S
sparkle
Guest
Dear Abby:Sparkle,
If they are truly abusive and you know your husband will not defend nor protect you, then do not go and subject yourself to a toxic situation that will ruin your Christmas and emotionally harm you.
Is it worse to let your husband and children go over there by themselves, or is it worse to go with them?
If your husband isn’t going to be your protector in this situation, you need to protect yourself. You are not obligated to submit to him in situations that harm you. Your husband is not loving you as Christ loves the Church by asking you to submit to abuse and leaving you without support, compassion or protection.
It is time for you to get some backbone for yourself. Your husband is probably sick of hearing about how mistreated you are by his mother–so let him know that he’s right, as you are equally sick of being the one who is mistreated. Tell him that he is more than welcome to spend time with his mother on the holiday, and to take the children with him, but that you choose to not participate in unhealthy activities any more.
If your mother in law complains, just be honest. What have you got to lose anymore, anyway? I would not try to go into any major descriptions of how abused you feel, but if she calls and asks why you won’t be joining her for Christmas, I would just say “Because I choose not to.” And leave it at that. She can ponder all she wants to and ask again and again, but only reveal as much as you want to. Battling with her is a waste of time. Repeat the same phrase again and again until you’ve reached your tolerance and then politely end the conversation.
Make Christmas Eve and Christmas morning extremely special so that you feel you’ve had YOUR holiday as well. Go to mass together on Christmas Eve, come home and read a Christmas story (maybe even the REAL Christmas story, in the gospel, for reiteration), make hot chocolate and have everyone share a favorite memory from the last year. Or, play the “Remember when you were little…” game. (My parents do that with us, and tell the most hilarious stories from when my siblings and I were young. We all listen raptly and feel so special when our parents single each of us out for a special story-telling.) For Christmas day, wake up and open presents, etc., then make a special breakfast for your family.
When it is time for them to go to grandmother’s house, be generous in your spirit and wish them all a good time.
You mentioned being in counseling, and perhaps this issue will be worked out at a later date. But for now, please protect yourself. Everytime you submit to their abuse, it leaves your self-esteem even more torn up and your resentment toward your husband builds. He might be totally shocked that you are willing to stand up for yourself. If he learns by example, you might just find him standing up for you in the future. We teach people how to treat us!!! If we won’t accept bad behavior, they won’t dish it out.
Abby
YOU are so sweet to offer your response. I thank you so much. I’m just soooo sad to think if I don’t go, here I will sit on Christmas night *without *my family-- MY immediate family --my husband and my children–and who knows what they’ll be saying about me, my little children’s ears hearing it all–(“your mother has a problem”…)hubby just ignoring it, saying nothing. Suppose we could have our X-mas eve and we will, Mass and all, and make it very special but it just hurts my feelings so much to think hubby sides with his mom over me most the time. I could go to one of the many great movies playing that evening–and give an excuse like I don’t feel well enough to come–then sneak off to a movie. For afterall, it will ruin my Christmas completely to be over there, it will be like completely entering the snake pit. So in essence, I don’t feel well enough to be there, and enter the pit of abuse. My parents, my hubby loves and all my relatives, they adore him and are so sweet to them. My husband doesn’t have any relatives except his sick parents and one brother, who is also completely sick–a pot-head, had about 20 live-in girlfriends in the 16 years I’ve been married. X-mas is totally and utterly miserable over at their home. Abby: I will really take you up on your advice. Maybe we’ll have our own X-mas eve, and X-mas day–then let hubby and kids go to his parents on X-mas nite, and I’ll enjoy my solitude and a movie alone. I don’t see anything at all wrong with this alternative.
Thx again~~
) Clearly it is the Christian thing to do to show love to your family, but it bugs me that this obligation to “be together” is always on Christmas Day, not the day after etc. And often this being together keeps us from focusing on the incarnation rather than celebrating it. I’d say start a tradition of showing love to the poor on Christmas or doing something Christlike for a stranger etc, and have the family visit some other day. But obviously there is already a plan to go to the in laws.
