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Xantippe
Guest
Yep.
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Kal2012
Guest
Regardless of whether or not OP should have gotten involved, that was decided by Friend #1. It really wasn’t OP’s choice to get involved.
I like the idea of asking the man in question if he’s aware of wife’s behavior when he’s away.
Present it as, “I’m your friend and I’m concerned that everything’s not well.”
Men don’t tend to open up like women do, but if he tells you that he’s okay with wife seeing her “boy toy”, then agree to drop the subject and apologize for interfering. Explain that you just wanted to be a good friend and share that you’d want to know if your marriage was in trouble, so that is your motivation for speaking to him.
Sometimes guys are workaholics and/or travel a lot of work and really don’t know what’s going on at home when they are away. My brother was stationed overseas and had no clue what his wife was doing when he was in Afghanistan. (They are divorced now.) You just never know what the situation is. I don’t see this as “butting in” at all.
Be a friend and tell him your “concerns”.
I like the idea of asking the man in question if he’s aware of wife’s behavior when he’s away.
Present it as, “I’m your friend and I’m concerned that everything’s not well.”
Men don’t tend to open up like women do, but if he tells you that he’s okay with wife seeing her “boy toy”, then agree to drop the subject and apologize for interfering. Explain that you just wanted to be a good friend and share that you’d want to know if your marriage was in trouble, so that is your motivation for speaking to him.
Sometimes guys are workaholics and/or travel a lot of work and really don’t know what’s going on at home when they are away. My brother was stationed overseas and had no clue what his wife was doing when he was in Afghanistan. (They are divorced now.) You just never know what the situation is. I don’t see this as “butting in” at all.
Be a friend and tell him your “concerns”.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
It seems your friend knows his wife’s nature and has chosen to stay with her. That’s his prerogative. I would leave it alone and not embarrass him by letting on that you know.
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Kal2012
Guest
Oh - and my brother was livid that nobody told him that his wife was cheating on him.
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Joe_5859
Guest
I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right! I think I would try to convince friend 1 to tell friend 2 in person. Cut out the middle man. If friend 1 is the one who is operating on more than just hearsay, he would be the better person to break the news.
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theCrow
Guest
I would stay out of it completely. Don’t get involved at all.
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estesbob
Guest
Agreed. And when you and I agree people should take notice!
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dontlookdown
Guest
Thank you all for the prayers and advice. There are many more details of this situation that simply will not fit in a forum post. However, in an attempt to address some of the responses I will tell a little more.
The cheating wife has been confronted by friend 1’s wife, they are sisters. Cheating wife refused to stop the relationship, but she agreed not to do it in front of her children. However we think she may have just said this so that people are not snooping in her business.
I realize that friend 2 may know about this, but I don’t think this is the case. I think he suspects something is not right, and instead of investigating he just ignores all signs. This worries me about his mental well being, he may take this news very hard.
I beleive that friend 1 should be the person to tell friend 2, but I don’t think he has the courage to do so. We have talked about it, and he keeps going back to the anonomous note idea. If friend 2 is going to find out from a friend it will have to be from me.
I realize that this may not be any of my business, and I may not be able to put this into words but I will try. Friend 2 is in pain and does not yet realize it, the longer he goes without knowing what is going on the more painfull it will be when he does find out. For this reason I feel I need to tell him. I am not trying to mettle in his business for the sake of drama, I care for him and I want to help him.
Again thank you all for the comments and prayers.
The cheating wife has been confronted by friend 1’s wife, they are sisters. Cheating wife refused to stop the relationship, but she agreed not to do it in front of her children. However we think she may have just said this so that people are not snooping in her business.
I realize that friend 2 may know about this, but I don’t think this is the case. I think he suspects something is not right, and instead of investigating he just ignores all signs. This worries me about his mental well being, he may take this news very hard.
I beleive that friend 1 should be the person to tell friend 2, but I don’t think he has the courage to do so. We have talked about it, and he keeps going back to the anonomous note idea. If friend 2 is going to find out from a friend it will have to be from me.
I realize that this may not be any of my business, and I may not be able to put this into words but I will try. Friend 2 is in pain and does not yet realize it, the longer he goes without knowing what is going on the more painfull it will be when he does find out. For this reason I feel I need to tell him. I am not trying to mettle in his business for the sake of drama, I care for him and I want to help him.
Again thank you all for the comments and prayers.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
I think he does know because kids can’t keep a secret. I am SURE the kids have told him this man sleeps over
It is his choice to ignore it and as worried as YOU are, those are your feelings you need to take care of. It would be wrong to tell him so you no longer have to worry.
Everyone knows when they are in pain. It sounds to me like his subconscious is protecting him and he is not investigating it because at this time he is not strong enough to know.
Believe it or not, I have seen people tell the innocent spouse about the cheating spouse and then the married couple decide to tell the ‘informer’ to get out of their lives. Most often, people shoot the messenger.
I would not tell unless you see something and you have a strong reason for no longer keep quiet.
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felsguy
Guest
If you don’t trust the advice above, how about following your own instinct: I think friend 2 knows something isn’t right. I think he may not even want to know the truth.
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otjm
Guest
This thread needs a new title.
Busy Bodies - Anonymous or Not?
Busy Bodies - Anonymous or Not?
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MaryT777
Guest
Yes, you have my contiuned prayers and best wishes in this endeavor.
Mary.
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ibarbuckle
Guest
How is the continuance of this situation good for anybody in the family? Whose eternal well-being is being assured by you ignoring what you know? I understand that you are worried about losing a friend. Ultimately, dealing with this affair is the responsibility of the head of the family, and if he chooses to drop you as a friend, that is a freedom that you need to allow him.
Pax Christi.
Pax Christi.
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ibarbuckle
Guest
I’ll also leave this here:
Matthew:
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masondoggy
Guest
Speaking as a victim of infidelity, the hardest thing for me to deal with when I found out was learning that my own family members knew all along and didn’t speak up. Pick up the phone and tell your friend. he has every right to know.
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MaryT777
Guest
Yes, I did as such. Be prepared to lose a relationship though. My friend said it was none of my business and never spoke to me again.
Mary.
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GaryTaylor
Guest
I would rather lose a friend than cooperate with guilt and wrestle with my own conscience at night. Terrible situation then again vice always is. It became your business when you were dragged into cooperating with evil. Just my 2-cents. 
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bitterhope
Guest
I would confront the two cheaters first, but I would tell my friend if they didn’t fess up. I would give them the chance first though. Unfortunately I have seen tons if this occur over the years and it’s the kids that always end up suffering the most. I usually don’t know the couple well enough to speak up but unfortunately I have had to do so. Start with the two cheaters. Tell them it needs to stop and they need to fess up. Let them know you will be informing the husband on a specific date if they do not fess up before then. Try to have the sister and brother in law there when you confront them. If they are unwilling to go with you, do it yourself. If my husband cheated on me and no one told me, I would never speak to those people again. The pain and anger would take years to get over. I would feel doubly betrayed by all of them, not just the affair. Be there for your friend and allow him to blow up at you and take it if he does. Comfort him when he needs it. Give him space if he needs it.
Yes, kids can and do keep secrets. They often keep secrets about abuse or anything that may cause a problem between their parents. As a kid I kept it secret that my mom was drunk every night dad was working–for 5 years. I’m not sure how long it was happening before I figured out that was what was going on. It may have been many more years, probably most my life or even before I was born. I didn’t want them to have problems. I was 15 before I told my dad, and thank God nothing bad happened. I wish I told sooner but I was a kid, and none if my siblings told either (there are 11 of us). They got help and mom quit drinking. I’ve seen kids abused by parents or family members or even family friends keep it secret so they wouldn’t cause a problem. I’ve witnessed first hand kids keep affairs secret. Sometimes to avoid a problem between parents, sometimes out of denial themselves, and sometimes because the other party is a fun person to be around (video games, movies, trips to the park, gifts, ice cream, etc.). It’s not a fair burden to ace on kids to expect them to tell on Mommy when she isn’t behaving correctly. It’s an unfair burden to expect them to police the house and report wrong doings. It is not fair to think children are even capable of picking out adult situations and realize when something suspicious is occurring. Unfortunately people also unfairly burden kids with the expectation that things will be kept secret and often pressure kids either directly or indirectly to ensure those secrets are kept.
Yes, kids can and do keep secrets. They often keep secrets about abuse or anything that may cause a problem between their parents. As a kid I kept it secret that my mom was drunk every night dad was working–for 5 years. I’m not sure how long it was happening before I figured out that was what was going on. It may have been many more years, probably most my life or even before I was born. I didn’t want them to have problems. I was 15 before I told my dad, and thank God nothing bad happened. I wish I told sooner but I was a kid, and none if my siblings told either (there are 11 of us). They got help and mom quit drinking. I’ve seen kids abused by parents or family members or even family friends keep it secret so they wouldn’t cause a problem. I’ve witnessed first hand kids keep affairs secret. Sometimes to avoid a problem between parents, sometimes out of denial themselves, and sometimes because the other party is a fun person to be around (video games, movies, trips to the park, gifts, ice cream, etc.). It’s not a fair burden to ace on kids to expect them to tell on Mommy when she isn’t behaving correctly. It’s an unfair burden to expect them to police the house and report wrong doings. It is not fair to think children are even capable of picking out adult situations and realize when something suspicious is occurring. Unfortunately people also unfairly burden kids with the expectation that things will be kept secret and often pressure kids either directly or indirectly to ensure those secrets are kept.
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masondoggy
Guest
I think if the friend chooses to never speak to you again over something like this, then there never was a real friendship to begin with.
I can tell you one thing, those in my family who chose not to tell me what was going on, our relationship was forever ruined. And it’s not because I chose to end a relationship with them or not to forgive them, it’s because the hurt is still there and I can never trust them again. I feel like I will never know whose side they were really on. So either way, you take a risk. But it’s about doing the right thing and a person who is being cheated on and their health being put on the line has every right to know about it. What they choose to do with that information is on them.
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masondoggy
Guest
I also should add that there was one family member that finally told me and at least I know that person was against what was going on and was on my side enough to tell me because they didn’t think it was right. So when you tell, the victim at least knows where you stand.
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