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Elizabeth502
Guest
I think this entire post is profoundly insightful and self-aware. It happens also to be extremely congruent with what marriage counselors say, regarding communication in marriage, as the fulcrum of marriage. My comment in no way implies that couples who are using contraception are “therefore” poor communicators. I just note that it is a truism if ever there was one, that in general men are comfortable expressing themselves physically as an expression of First Resort, and often substitute physicality (including but not limited to sex) for words, particularly when overcome with emotion, particulary when having difficulty ‘naming’ what they’re upset about. IOW, they often substitute physical expression for verbal expression, as a matter of course.We prayed, we talked, went for walks, played with the kids, learned to communicate better. I’ve always been a “read my mind” guy. When I’m upset, I get quiet and hold it in and let things stew. (That’s not good by the way.)
So, when we were struggling with abstinence during the fertile period, I would get even more upset and just not talk at all…yet I was still obviously upset about whatever it happened to be at the time. Since we were abstaining, we HAD to talk because we certainly couldn’t do anything physical, and this forced me to open up, to communnicate my feelings and to talk out what was bothering me. So, I gradually became a better communicator, my wife did not have to guess how I felt, and we grew closer in that way. (I do still have to force myself to speak my emotions by the way…it is a continual growing process.)
As we communicated more, we learned more about each other, the deep stuff…stuff that takes time to learn. As we learn more about each other through our newly discovered wide-open communication, our bond strengthened (and continues to) and our love deepened. We became able to show love in other ways, to LOVE (action verb) each other and not just “feel” love (the cuddly feeling). It’s to a point now where we can feel completely bonded to one another by just havnig a deep conversation…I can’t describe that feeling…it just feels like we are truly one at those times.
Anyway, NFP (the periodic continence part especially) forced us to this position in our marriage. If we never had to abstain, I would have no reason to learn to communicate better or to find different ways to bond with my wife. That’s how it helped our marriage. It is NOT always easy, and it DOES, even still, bring up tough situations and issues that stress our marriage. BUT, it is a healthy stress in that it forces us to grow deeper together and strengthen our marriage bond and helps us grow together.
Yes, NFP can be painful at times (emotionally, mentally, you could even argue physically I suppose, and spritually). But positive growth is also painful, and it is SOOOO worth it when you realize the benefits you’ve been getting from the stress.
Again, I’m not saying that Debora’s husband or anyone else’s spouse is not a great communicator. Nevertheless, look at what is the typical pattern in men who have affairs, and look at what marriage counselors say each time: Men admit that “they can’t communicate” with their wives, and “therefore” sought a diversion in another woman (whether or not they were communicating with words at all, let alone better, with said mistress). However, often they do indeed communicate with new mistress about the frustrations they’re having with wifey! Hello! Here’s a concept: Discuss it with wife! :doh2:
All that said, when I read the two-part story of the poster whose husband eventually had a vasectomy, and juxtapose it against Corki’s experience, ahs’ experience, and some other CAF’ers experiences, I think it’s important to exercise a lot of caution, because different ages of couples are involved, different circumstances were involved (traveling and not), and a different “era” of fertility awareness has been reached. Perhaps the poster whose husband had a vasectomy would have benefited from NaPro technology or some other approach for someone who apparently could not rely on classic expectations of fertility, either because of longer cycles of fertility, a higher fertility level for both her and her husband, and/or great irregularity. (In my own case, it turned out that the fertility issue was his, not mine, & we learned how to work around that.) In many of the cases one reads about on CAF, the couple previously used contraception - coincidentally during their most fertile years – and later, with significantly reduced fertility levels – ‘converted’ to NFP and rejoiced in its supposed success as a superior method.
So I don’t think it’s so easy to generalize, but I do think that as fertility awareness continues to become more precise & predictable, NFP will be a more positive option than previously. Further, I think this whole couples-communication theme, combined with the aspect of discipline (in marriage and in life), combined with what Jews describe in their abstinence as a period of anticipation, followed by delight which renews their relationship each time, are all very valuable concepts to ponder.
We have become unconsciously accustomed in this modern era of abundantly accessible pleasure & instant gratification, to expect that gratification is “ours” to own as a matter of not just privilege, but right. We don’t think about it, but I think it’s built into our everyday expectations. It’s worse when you also happen to live in any area which has abundant other kinds of delights as well – such as always the best food, always the best recreation, etc. There’s an assumption that indulgence is a Good, even an absolute good. Discipline of any kind is important to spiritual growth; that’s different than joylessness. Just some things to think about…
