Tis_Bearself
Patron
I usually just like to let the other person talk about themselves. The more they say, the less I have to. I just make encouraging noises once in a while.
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Sarcelle
Guest
I do the same.
I find people to be fascinating and I really like listening to their stories.
I especially like listening to people from other countries.
I find people to be fascinating and I really like listening to their stories.
I especially like listening to people from other countries.
GospelOfMatthew
New member
Yep, guess I need some lessons on small talk
GospelOfMatthew
New member
I wonder how much of the issue in terms of social interaction is how we are brought up as @Edmundus1581 mentioned. I grew up with with brothers who were 8+ years older than myself so when I was 10 and doing whatever 10YOs were doing, they would come home and talk about some girl or prom or whatever.
So naturally this always caught my interest but I had it very much ingrained in my mind that attraction was something to “push-down” and forget about, something that is unholy, much like the naked body being a source of sinful thoughts and actions. Not sure exactly why I felt this way but I think it was a combo of my parents, lots of people at my parish wanting me to be a priest so they always tried to throw in during conversations how I shouldn’t be looking at girls or talking with them or whatever. I think this deeply rooted “pushing down” and denying of attraction led me to acting out in ways accustomed to my age.
From 6-10 I was one of those boys who thought girls were weird and I was superior so I bullied them on the playground (always have felt bad about this even though it was years and years ago), got sent to the principle everyday for this literally. Eventually I stopped that around 10-11, but it’s hard to transition from being the known bully all the girls hated to being the boy that wants to have a female friend, so naturally I had zero female friends. This rejection led me to years of pain and sorrow through impure acts because my logic was hey, these girls don’t hate me, they must like me.
High school I continued this and continued suppressing and denying any attraction I felt for someone, which fueled the impure acts as something I felt I “needed” to release this deep tension I felt inside. Had zero female friends in HS that lasted, the only few eventually told me to “buzz off” because it was pretty obvious I had no social skills with girls and I was just an annoying wannabe, also I spent about a year researching “pickup culture” because I wanted to figure out how I could get back into the mix. Skipped all social events, skipped all proms, skilled graduation dinner and dance, skipped skipped skipped.
First year of college I kept up with the suppressing of attraction and started to feel really worthless and lonely from this which continued to fuel impure actions. Eventually it snapped in my mind after a year or so of this that I was sick of crying myself to sleep every night feeling worthless so I went to confession and adoration and just poured myself out, all these deep wounds from back when I was 6 and acting out as a bully because I didn’t know what else to do. So I wonder, now that I am 20YO and trying to put all this behind me, how much of my lack of social ability with girls is because of a messed up past and how much is because I just genuinely have a hard time speaking with girls?
I’ve tried some tips since being back at college and I have yet to break down and feel worthless or “like a loser” so that’s a huge positive for me, but I do have the thoughts, I try and push them aside. Do these thoughts get easier if I actually had female friends?
So naturally this always caught my interest but I had it very much ingrained in my mind that attraction was something to “push-down” and forget about, something that is unholy, much like the naked body being a source of sinful thoughts and actions. Not sure exactly why I felt this way but I think it was a combo of my parents, lots of people at my parish wanting me to be a priest so they always tried to throw in during conversations how I shouldn’t be looking at girls or talking with them or whatever. I think this deeply rooted “pushing down” and denying of attraction led me to acting out in ways accustomed to my age.
From 6-10 I was one of those boys who thought girls were weird and I was superior so I bullied them on the playground (always have felt bad about this even though it was years and years ago), got sent to the principle everyday for this literally. Eventually I stopped that around 10-11, but it’s hard to transition from being the known bully all the girls hated to being the boy that wants to have a female friend, so naturally I had zero female friends. This rejection led me to years of pain and sorrow through impure acts because my logic was hey, these girls don’t hate me, they must like me.
High school I continued this and continued suppressing and denying any attraction I felt for someone, which fueled the impure acts as something I felt I “needed” to release this deep tension I felt inside. Had zero female friends in HS that lasted, the only few eventually told me to “buzz off” because it was pretty obvious I had no social skills with girls and I was just an annoying wannabe, also I spent about a year researching “pickup culture” because I wanted to figure out how I could get back into the mix. Skipped all social events, skipped all proms, skilled graduation dinner and dance, skipped skipped skipped.
First year of college I kept up with the suppressing of attraction and started to feel really worthless and lonely from this which continued to fuel impure actions. Eventually it snapped in my mind after a year or so of this that I was sick of crying myself to sleep every night feeling worthless so I went to confession and adoration and just poured myself out, all these deep wounds from back when I was 6 and acting out as a bully because I didn’t know what else to do. So I wonder, now that I am 20YO and trying to put all this behind me, how much of my lack of social ability with girls is because of a messed up past and how much is because I just genuinely have a hard time speaking with girls?
I’ve tried some tips since being back at college and I have yet to break down and feel worthless or “like a loser” so that’s a huge positive for me, but I do have the thoughts, I try and push them aside. Do these thoughts get easier if I actually had female friends?
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Joe_5859
Guest
I’d say the old adage of practice makes perfect holds. Having positive social interactions with people of both sexes does help make it easier as you do it more and more.
I recall my first semester of college, I had pretty much zero social interaction with girls. I didn’t even realize that dearth until I went home for break and was hanging out with a female friend from high school and let out a loud, prolonged belch. She responded with a disgusted “Excuse you!” And I was like “What have I become!?”
That awakened me to the benefits of socializing regularly with both males and females. It still took awhile before I actually was able to implement that in college, but that was mostly due to my delay in finding a good community of Catholic people outside of my all-guys dorm-mates.It did get easier with time and practice. It didn’t happen overnight, though.
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Edmundus1581
Guest
In general, yes, unless a person has an underlying problem which is persistently leading them astray, in which case practice only makes matters worse, just reinforcing poor social skills and bad feelings.GospelOfMatthew:
I’d say the old adage of practice makes perfect holds. Having positive social interactions with people of both sexes does help make it easier as you do it more and more.
I recall my first semester of college, I had pretty much zero social interaction with girls. I didn’t even realize that dearth until I went home for break and was hanging out with a female friend from high school and let out a loud, prolonged belch. She responded with a disgusted “Excuse you!” And I was like “What have I become!?”
It did get easier with time and practice. It didn’t happen overnight, though.
If you can identify the underlying problem then fix that first, or start fixing it, as well as practicing social skills.
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GospelOfMatthew
New member
I wonder, does anyone have any statistics on how many people meet their future wife or husband during college/at college as opposed to after college in the workplace or coffee shops or church or wherever? My guess is more people find their future spouse at college but I have no evidence to back this up, only my guess/sense
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twf
Guest
Yeah, I know few people under 30 who are married. My wife and I are 32 and we feel like super young parents in our neck of the woods…people really wait until the last possible minute (biologically) to have kids now…at least in this region. I pick up my son at preschool and feel like a kid with all these old dads in suits, who could almost be my dad, picking up their little guys…
(I exaggerate slightly but make my point).
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Lea101
Guest
I’m going to sound weird here. While I would immediately be grossed out at anything doing that without making an attempt to conceal it…I would later find it endearing that someone feels that comfortable with me to do something like that. Helps lower the bar for my behavior too LOLShe responded with a disgusted “Excuse you!” And I was like “What have I become!?”
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Sarcelle
Guest
I don’t think you’re weird.
I think the same.
I think the same.
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TheLittleLady
Guest
This secular source reports on a survey that shows meeting through friends is top of the list:
www.bustle.com
I’d imagine if you dig around in the National Marriage Project reports you’d mine some data
http://nationalmarriageproject.org/
Where People Are Actually Meeting Their Partners Today
If you're not sure if joining a dating app is for you, you're not alone. Although it seems like everyone is on dating apps these days — and among my friends that definitely is the case— there are still a lot of people using the old fashioned…
I’d imagine if you dig around in the National Marriage Project reports you’d mine some data
http://nationalmarriageproject.org/
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GospelOfMatthew
New member
“Through family” is higher percentage than “In School”. Wow that’s a shocker
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TheLittleLady
Guest
Long gone are the days when women went to college to get an “MRS” degree.
One can meet through friends or family while they are in college, but, simply seeing a lady across the campus and falling in love is more a movie thing
One can meet through friends or family while they are in college, but, simply seeing a lady across the campus and falling in love is more a movie thing
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Xantippe
Guest
One of my older relatives (bless his heart!) has had a succession of things that he is passionately interested in. He can be very interesting on his subjects, but at the same time, he has a tendency to tell you Everything He Knows about whatever his subject of the day is. It’s like dealing with a 70-something Aspie kid…He just doesn’t know how to ask other people about their stuff.
Another older relative (female) finds it impossible to recommend a movie without walking you through EVERY single plot twist. She just doesn’t know how to summarize things.
That’s my mom and dad.
facepalm
As you can probably imagine, it took a while for me to learn how to converse like a normal adult human.
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Daniel99
Guest
Are you sure that married life is what you are called for? The four main vocations are Priesthood, Religious Life, Marriage and Single Life. Consider is God calling you for one of these or an other vocation. If you are called for married life don’t despair, God is perhaps still preparing you for your vocation. God bless you.
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Sarcelle
Guest
Most people are called to marriage.
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Daniel99
Guest
True, but some are not
GospelOfMatthew
New member
Or perhaps preparing the other person, we never know from our point of view if it’s that we aren’t ready or if it’s that way the other person isn’t ready. I tend to think in some capacity I’m not where I need to be, nor is my future wife (assuming this is my vocation which I believe strongly it is). If I were ready or she or both I think I would of met her already.
Moral of the story is be patient, I pray for patience lol
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Xantippe
Guest
It used to be quite common (my parents met and married in college), and it still is in certain subcultures (there are still a number of religious colleges with “ring by spring” traditions).
However, given national stats on age at first marriage (29 for guys), people are not (on average) marrying straight out of college.
That said, the social skills you can learn in college can be very valuable down the road. Just having the ability to have friendly, fun conversations with people of the opposite sex is worth a lot.
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