Frustration in being continuously told "its just a date"

[MarlboroMan]

There was one girl I saw at mass who knelt and had a vail on which made me go “who is this girl?”and I’ve seen around late at night studying, she doesn’t seem to be overly social.

Next time you see her, smile and ask her name. Then when she tells you, tell her your name. Shake hands, and chit chat for a bit (mention that you saw her at mass, ask about her major, ask her where she’s from, mention a few things about yourself) and then ask for her number. When you get her number, wait a reasonable amount of time and then ask her out.

Worst thing that could happen is she shoots ypu down.

Edit: a few tips for the conversation:

Don’t be worried if you are a little nervous, and don’t unload on her with questions or a whole bunch of information. This is just a meeting. Try to keep it somewhat brief, but don’t rush it. Let the conversation be natural, a gpod rule of thumb is to keep it under 10 minuted. Don’t be discouraged if she’s not showing huge interest, just ask for her number anyway. If she is super into it and ypu notice you’ve been chatting for like 15 minutes, say:

“Well, I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself, but I’m super starving so I gotta go get something to eat!”

And then ask for her number. Cut it off before it gets awkward unless she is REALLY digging you and then MAYBE suggest getting some coffee or something right then, but even then getting the number is probably best. Girls like a little mystery and anticipation, so laying everything out RIGHT AWAY isn’t usually the best plan.

Just remember these rules:

1. Girls are just as nervous to meet guys as we are to meet them.
2. Rejection is not a bad thing.
3. You’re a man. This is in your blood. You come from a long, long line of men who have done some variation of this and had success.

 

[catholiclala]

To any of the guys here having frustrations with being rejected, note my advice from observation. Be self reflective and take action. If you are seeking out good women and constantly being rejected you have to look at yourself objectively.

I have read a few responses that obviously show instances of scruples, obsession, anti-social behavior, not having or sharing well-rounded interests and emotional/mental conditions. This is not appealing and not addressing these things is being weak and not being the best you possible. A good woman should be with a man who is brave enough to tackle these things. Also, no healthy relationship can thrive if someone needs treatment. I have had battles with depression, anxiety and childhood trauma that are now being resolved with the help of spiritual direction and therapy. No way was I ready before for a serious relationship no matter how much I wanted it.

Every man I have personally encountered who has consistent dating issues is not being self reflective and is not devising next steps. I’m on CatholicMatch and see this time and again and these men are wondering why they, good Catholic men, cannot find anyone. It is no better than the secular world. Being a good Catholic man is not enough. I get approached by men young and old that are not appealing for a number of issues. The older men have mostly never been married and I can’t help thinking that they never took an objective personal inventory but often just say they are rejected and women aren’t looking for a good Catholic man. There has to be a reason why THEY are still single. I feel these men need Jordan Peterson in their lives. He tells men to work on themselves, become appealing to a broad number of women, pursue and then choose. So simple and it works because it’s basic biology but many want to think they are victims, thus the incel culture.

There are fickle women, especially the younger they are, but any attractive, good Catholic woman who is well rounded, mature, realistic and open to marriage will find a guy who is the same and will give him a chance. It is not any easier for women, despite what some think. I would love a man that I am equally yoked with to pursue me, but instead I get socially awkward or mentally imbalanced men who expect a date just because they are devout. Or there are others that seem to expect to marry the Virgin Mary but that is a whole other issue.

Someone up-thread asked why Catholics are choosing non-Catholics. I will say this, a Catholic man is currently my top priority, but if things continue as they are I will broaden my search to a man of strong Christian faith and if it works out I will know he is who God intended. If I find nobody then I will know it was not meant to be, his will be done.

 

[catholiclala]

Exactly.

The sweetest older couple at my parish is a mixed faith marriage. She is Catholic and he is Jewish. They are both devout. He comes to Mass with her every Sunday and she goes to synagogue with them. They have a large family and the children were raised with both faiths, most ended up Catholic. I spent time talking with this couple at an event and they were inspiring. While alone with me, the woman said I can consider a non-Catholic but he must have strong faith in God and practice his beliefs.

It is hard to meet a Catholic that is accepting of how you are as a Catholic, respect and support it. Also, if you don’t find compatibility beyond faith how can you expect to spend life with this person. If it were strictly about being a good Catholic, we could all just pair off in arranged marriages, or everyone should marry the Church. But we are human and our hearts are complex.

 

[MarlboroMan]

Well, to be fair, some guys are just unlucky. Either they have some kind of physical barrier or just always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I agree that we should always work on ourselves, but there are no guarantees in life and God doesn’t promise us a spouse.

One could just as easily take your standards and nitpick them and make assumptions about you. Would be equally invalid.

 

[catholiclala]

My apologies if I disregarded cases of unlucky bachelors and of course there are no guarantees. I say what I say from solid experience and observation. If I keep encountering characteristics in people and there is a pattern in their experiences and these are majority occurrences, they have to be taken into account.

Everyone can use self reflection about their standards and opinions concerning them. I routinely try to evaluate and update my own standards and take into account what others have observed about them. Many things I did not see or want to hear but was glad to have shared with me and am better off for acknowledging. I’m not sure why these things should necessarily be invalid. And for the record nobody has to take my words as their truth. If they fit, they fit, if they don’t whatever.

 

[LittleFlower]

I’m struggling to write anything constructive. Others are doing a better job.

All I say is I’m praying that all find and love their vocations.

 

[twf]

I had Catholic girls I thought were cute tell me I should be a priest… back when I was young and single. So yeah, “displaying” an intense interest in theology all the time can be counterproductive here.

 

[jvickers]

Hmm, then why are having ‘boundaries’ becoming a very popular term? Isn’t that like protecting yourself from attachment?

I think this might be a millennial concept.

Edit: Interpretation of “boundaries”, rather, not a concept.

 

[jvickers]

So, this thread has been going for a while. Just curious, @GospelOfMatthew, have you tried any of the many suggestions offered?

 

[GospelOfMatthew]

Yes I have, right now I’m trying the suggestion of not talking about religious stuff so much, it’s hard because it’s habit, and doing more social things, I’m going to a restaurant with some friends next week. I also talked with a priest about all this and he basically said to be patient and not have any rejections get me down since everyone has some

 

[jvickers]

This is great to see. I wish you well on your journey. Don’t get down by rejections. We all have them in one form or other. It’s about persistence, keeping your head up, and keeping a positive self-image.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I’m actually quite the class clown ,

Have you ever met a professional comedian? Every one of them I’ve known (4 professionals), also reading autobiographies/biographies, the comedians are by and large “dark”. They have used humor since childhood as a false face, as a wall to hide their overwhelming insecurity, sadness, even things more serious.

When you hear that women want a guy who is funny, that is different than the typical class clown. A good sense of humor means that they can laugh and then exhibit happiness and joy. They will make a joke here and there, but, not that the do a tight 4 minute stand up routine or self deprecating humor is their only way to be out in the world.

Women want someone who is genuine, who is real. Class clowning does not convey confidence and joy.

Someone else asked, do you have a good friend, or a female relative (aunt, godmother, sister, cousin) who will be brutally honest with you?

 

[Joe_5859]

Aside from being able to go to daily mass and all these religious activities I run, I hate college. Worst thing I’ve ever done in my life and I can’t wait to graduate. Then again when I graduate I’ll have some job making nice money with no reason for the money because I never met anyone. Meanwhile the drunks and jerks have an adequate job and are happily married. You can see why I’m less than pleased, and it causes me to confess jealously and anger a lot

I greatly empathize with what you’re feeling. I felt very similarly in late high school/early college. Senior year of high school, there was an attractive girl in my Theology class who would frequently tell me things like “You’re future wife is going to be a lucky girl” and “I wish my boyfriend were more like you.” Her boyfriend spent time in jail. And yet, I was absolutely certain there was no way in the world she would ever consider going out with me. It was frustrating and made me question whether being “the nice guy” was a good thing.

But you do need to let go of the anger and the jealousy and the resentment. Nothing good comes from harboring those feelings. And, truth be told, things aren’t necessarily going to turn out all sunshine and roses for those “party animals.” Many of them are just using alcohol and hook ups to mask the emptiness they feel. Some will end up struggling with alcohol addiction. They’ll experience divorce. They are not on the path to happiness and fulfillment.

Regardless of where they end up, though, comparing yourself to them is not helpful. That’s generally true for all things in life. The quickest path to unhappiness is comparing ourselves to others. I eventually got to the point where I realized it didn’t matter whether all the other “party people” were happy or miserable. That did not need to impact my ability to be the person that God wanted me to be and to seek to follow the path he had in mind for me. The only comparisons I needed to make were between who I was and who I could and should be.

I’m glad to see you’re making some attempts to get out there.

 

[GospelOfMatthew]

Someone else asked, do you have a good friend, or a female relative (aunt, godmother, sister, cousin) who will be brutally honest with you?

Hmm, maybe I’d have to think about who

 

[PetraG]

I had Catholic girls I thought were cute tell me I should be a priest… back when I was young and single. So yeah, “displaying” an intense interest in theology all the time can be counterproductive here.

Just to clarify: There are men who heard that from girlfriends because they had a vocation to the priesthood, too. It isn’t an inappropriate thing to say.

 

[Sarcelle]

Meanwhile there could be a girl who you don’t notice, looking at you and wondering why you don’t notice her. Why you’d rather pay attention to a girl who would prefer to be with a convict than with you.

 

[Canvas]

That is “Geordie” right?

 

[Joe_5859]

Indeed. During my senior year of high school, I remember bemoaning the fact that no girls liked me while my brother was attracting all sorts of girls. Within a week, three girls came forward to say they liked me. And I was like, “Um, no thanks.” And, in hindsight, there were a couple other girls I’m pretty sure liked me, too. I wasn’t the most astute kid in those matters.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Because a date was specifically thought of as informal, non-sexual, and not exclusive. How does it make women wh*res to be dating multiple men if they’re not sleeping with any of them?

You seem to be saying that a date signals the beginning of an exclusive, committed relationship. What person is going to accept a first date if that’s what they’re signing up for?

Let’s also remember that in “olden times” you did not have the Internet to spend hours texting or skyping with a person to get to know them in order to decide whether you’d actually want to meet up and go for coffee. You had a telephone that was probably shared with several other people in your household and they probably listened in on your convos or at least knew who you were talking to, so it’s not like you could spend hours getting to know someone on there either. You went out on a date in order to get to know a person by talking with them, so you could decide if you wanted to have more dates with them or a relationship with them.

Dating became “monogamous” at about the same time people got worried about AIDS…this is because a lot of people have an expectation that if you have a certain number of dates, or even just one or two dates, you are going to engage in sexual activity with the person you are dating. Back in the day, dates were expected to be non-sexual, and for good Catholics nowadays, dates are also expected to be non-sexual.

 

[Edmundus1581]

@GospelOfMatthew I hope you don’t mind me launching from some of what you’ve said here to offer some advice to seriously minded young men (primarily) but also young women. If it helps then great, but don’t take it as necessarily directed to you.

In the following “You” is the just aspects of the persona I’ve seen here.

You mentioned your success in bowling and, I think, other sports or outdoor activities. You also mentioned that you study and play three instruments, but then slightly apologised for only reading religious texts outside school and only playing religious music.

These are characteristics which could and should make you attractive to many girls! Not all of course, but then that’s not our aim, as you have said yourself.

Just as different men look for different things in a woman, different women look for different things in a man (duh!). Intellectual women will, in general, be attracted to intellectual men because they want someone they can talk to, and who is also interested in their reading and their ideas. An interest in intellectual activities usually goes with an interest in the arts. Classical musicians usually marry other classical musicians, and date them, cheat with them, "party " with them, etc…etc… My (male) singing teacher married a statistician.

Both sexes make the mistake of being allured by someone who is not appropriate for them, but you can’t help that (apart from trying to avoid it yourself!, and we’ve all been there and done that). (Thankyou @PetraG for post #350).

The movie “The Imitation Game” (2015) showed Alan Turing (b 1912), a brilliant mathematician but social misfit, awkwardly romancing an intellectually inclined woman and winning her! The relationship eventually failed due to Turing’s homosexuality rather than his personality. She even said she had guessed his sexuality and would cope with it because they had a “meeting of minds”. I’ve checked the true life story and this is mostly accurate (of course, the woman didn’t have the superstar looks). It helped Turing that he was outstanding in his field, and had strong masculine traits of courage, leadership and resolution (to help Britain win the war).

The very things you’ve found off-putting to women will, in the end and probably not before long, be very desirable assets. Be the very best you can be at things which fascinate you and follow your own natural inclinations. If religious music is your main interest now then burrow down that path. This is how we achieve - by focus. Women roll their eyes at obsessive men but they also like them and marry them. Within reason, as I will discuss.

I had a friend who, as a young man, displayed obsessive interests. For some time he single mindedly pursued an interest in the music of Wagner (culminating in a trip to Bayreuth for the annual Ring cycle, dressed like a hobo in the midst of European high society!). Later he became obsessed with the field of statistics. He didn’t settle down quickly, but in his thirties he became an academic statistician.