Frustration in being continuously told "its just a date"

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I think that may have been an autocorrect that was intended to be the word “relaxed”
 
I suppose its possible that she only thought of you as a friend-even so, it would not be nice to not show up when she said she would. Anyway, her actions may have had nothing to do with you (or how attractive you are)-she might have some issues going on in her life, or she could be really busy? And even if she didn’t show up because she didnt like you, that’s not very nice and that kind of person isn’t really the kind you’d want to date anyway!

Either way, dont feel too bad about it!
 
NappingDragon said:
But ultimately, my frustration is with constantly being told that I, as a man, need to treat it like its “just a date”, don’t be worried, and just ask, because its no big deal, whilst women are not simultaneously having the same idea drilled into their heads. It feels almost like people are intentionally trying to lead me into a trap.

Why is the idea that its no big deal being so widely and adamantly spread to young adult men when the same is not also being taught to young adult women?
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Is CAF the first time somebody has told you that woman never think of it as “just a date”? If so, it means CAF is doing a good and important service.

I would ask again… Who is telling you that woman believe “It’s just a date”?
 
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NappingDragon said:
“its just a date”.
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Honestly I think our culture has become so corrupted with dating and the meanings of it that one is better off just trying to spend time with friends doing something you enjoy together. It might help more to announce that it is not “a date” just to avoid all the trappings!
 
Have you tried dating outside your circle of friends? Maybe take the advice of “it’s just a date” and ask some random women out for coffee. It will help build confidence, a trait most women look for when deciding if they want to go on a date.
 
humbleseeker said:
Have you tried dating outside your circle of friends? Maybe take the advice of “it’s just a date” and ask some random women out for coffee
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Be a little careful with that…I mean it is genuinely good advice…but try to know a little bit about the woman you ask out for coffee.

…a true bizarre story…I once really connected…not in church… with this sweet, super beautiful, kind woman with this cool rebellious attitude. We ended up hanging out (notice that I did not say date…). When hanging out, she told me how she was the pole dancer in the tainted love video by Marilyn Manson. She actually was…perhaps her twin was…I felt like something in the universe was messing with me…maybe it is still my role to connect with here at tell her all about Catholicism 🤣 …I may do that someday…who knows.

Just be careful about asking out woman when you know nothing about them…
 
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But female speakers like Cameron Fradd say men should be very blunt with women saying it is a date when it is so that the woman doesn’t have anxiety or worry about whether something is serious or not.

Then again, when I have asked someone to go somewhere I usually say “hey would you like to join me at X on Y day at Z time?” Seems like a friendly enough thing to say, but I always get ‘nah’. Perhaps the goal for myself should be to have a female friend to begin with, probably good to have some experience having a female friend
 
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I have to agree that I think young women, and to a certain extent young men, nowadays feel like if they don’t have a world-stopping attraction for someone, why waste time dating them. It’s unfortunate. When I was young, I would go out at least once with just about any guy who wasn’t married, had good grooming, and decent manners. If there wasn’t a mutual interest then usually there was no second date. But in lots of cases I ended up seeing the person more than one time. People think differently now, unless they are signed up for one of those “it’s just lunch” or “speed dating” services where the idea is just to meet people and see if you click.
 
It’s a curious thing? Ask your group of friends, what is it? Is your family,”normal(?)”?? Whatever normal is. Good looks(?). Are your teeth straight? Good looking w mouth closed. Social behavior=are polite discussions made?
Are you a high Asbergers but not discovered. That means a little, socially, inept.???
Do you excessively drink(?)
I’m sorry. It’s humiliating to be rejected. God doesn’t reject you.
Evaluate, while feeling God’s love
 
jack63 said:
For woman it is never ever ever ever “just a date”. Where on earth did you hear that one? For woman going on “a date” is major statement to the world. This is ridiculous and unfortunate, and you realistically need to work around it.
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Speaking AS a woman who knows gobs and gobs of women from all walks of life and all ages, this is not true for any of them EXCEPT the most immature.
 
How about taking some time off to free yourself of the frustration? Tell yourself that you won’t look for a date for a few months. The frustration is probably making you appear nervous or awkward when you talk to women. Just chill for a while and think of other things.
 
Convert3 said:
The frustration is probably making you appear nervous or awkward when you talk to women.
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Ding ding ding. I know this sounds completely bro-ey, but for you single guys out there…”look hungry, go hungry.” Meaning, if you’re giving off desperate vibes or look like you’re deliberately looking for a girlfriend, you’re going to come off stilted and awkward. If you just focus on being the best version of yourself you can (get your career humming, have an active social life, maintain your physical fitness) then you’ll come across as much more genuine and relaxed in your interactions with women.
 
I wonder if partly the problem is because more and more people only want to meet online first? I think I read an article about this lately. It basically said that more young people only want to use dating apps to meet people, because it’s too awkward when a date doesn’t work out and you still have to see that person in real life. They only wanted to screen people online first. Could that be part of the issue?
 
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I think more and more people are having trouble interacting socially with the opposite gender face to face, possibly from a lack of experience (I sure have trouble lol), so technology offers an easier, yet an objectively informal alternative. Perhaps this is the plague of smart phones in the millennial age? Less social skills?
 
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I’m sorry to hear of your frustration. I think you are probably getting a lot of good advice.

As a female who has never really “dated” (and currently has no desire to), I’m not sure I have much good advice at all. I was “sort-of” asked on a date and then stood-up in college. I have seen friends and roommates go nutty trying to find “Mr. Right” by a certain age or face the terror of breaking up a very long-term relationship because it wasn’t right. Watching all that kind of confirmed a sense of peace that maybe I really do have gifts for celibacy.

Honestly if a man (whether I knew him previously or not) asked me on a date, I would have alarm bells go off. If he asked me somewhere alone and didn’t call it a date I would still have alarm bells go off. I have been primed that “dating should lead to marriage” and that “good spouses come from good friendships”. So yes, a date is never just a date. But pretending a date isn’t really a date is dishonest.

My first thought wouldn’t necessarily be “Is he husband material?” but “What are his intentions?” “Does he really want to get to know me?” “Will he expect a second date?” “Does he want to be friends whether or not this goes anywhere?” “Where is this going anyway?” “Is he offering to buy XYZ in exchange for something sexual?” You see where this is going. There is obviously a lot of pressure on a woman when you solicit her exclusive time and attentions.

All these would come immediately to me, then quickly followed by “Is he a faithful Catholic?” “Does he seem kind/smart/funny/whatever?” “Do I have any attraction or interest whatsoever right now?” “Do I actually have time or attention to spend in his company right now?”

By saying yes to a date or a “non-date”, am I setting up a heartache? Drama? My life is complicated enough. I would rather have lots of male friends than drama!
 
Start discerning religious life. I’m not kidding. Go on some retreats, and see if the vocation directors say anything about a vocation to marriage. if you can, make the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, either at a retreat center run by Jesuits or at home with the book.

I’m personally getting a lot of insecurity from your first post. Do you have a steady job? Do you have your own house or are a reliable renter? What about your own vehicle? Unless you live in a big city where the cost of living is extremely high, I would aim at getting the right job, paying the bills – giving the impression that you can, indeed, support a wife and family.

Blessings,
Mrs. Cloisters OP
Lay Dominican
http://cloisters.tripod.com/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/charity/
http://cloisters.tripod.com/holyangels/id9.html/
 
Hello.

Here are some random thoughts, please take or leave:

I’m a woman, and I remember dating. I really can’t relate much to a man’s point of view, but I can tell you to appreciate who you are with, be in the present moment and to look for the good in everyone you meet.

When it came to dating, I thought expectations were so high for both genders and there was a lot of rash judgment going on on both sides. Why not plan fun/different things to do on a date, at least something you will get something out of?

I think a lot of people are looking for stereotypes and blinding themselves to all the actual human beings all around them.

Have you taken a look at that Art of Manliness website? It might have some useful ideas.

I’m curious as to what you mean by “weak women or women with incompatible goals.”

Another thing I’d suggest is to immerse yourself in the things you do well, be financially responsible, turn this difficulty over to God every time it bothers you, stay close to God, and keep an open mind. I’d also suggest therapy, and I always suggest that for all sorts of personal difficulties. Also, is there a sport you do well? Have you tried any of the martial arts?

Have you read anything by Father Larry Richards?

I’m so sorry you feel so discouraged.

As a reminder, I’d like to add that for every man out there who has been hurt in the dating world, there is also a woman who has been hurt.
 
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There are some of these I don’t quibble with, although they go a little overboard imo.

I would add 11: Don’t get a chip on your shoulder about women generally if one woman treats you badly. There are like 4 billion women on the planet and they’re not all your high school girlfriend who cheated on you with Chad in his Trans Am.
 
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