Future Mother in law

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StratusRose

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I am so irritated with my future mother-in-law right now. About a week ago I asked her to give me the addresses of her friends and family for our wedding invitations. So today she sends me about less than half of the people I asked for and ADDED 15 MORE PEOPLE TO THE LIST!!! :mad::banghead:

She did not even tell me about these people, so of course I didn’t order enough invitations. We finalized the guest list MONTHS ago, and now she added some random people she wants to invite because she “feels bad” for not inviting them! My fiance berely even knows these people. So after venting to my mom for about an hour, fiance and I got into a fight about it. So I left his house on less than good terms. (We managed a “I’ll see you later” because we’re meeting at mass tonight at 7:00PM) Our reception site only accomodates 125 ppl, and we currently have 211 on the guest list. So obviously we have to get a tent for the remaining people, but we feel bad enough about that! It just amazes me how oblivious she is to this whole thing.

Sorry about the rant, I’m just so angry at the moment because this caused an argument between DF and me. 😦 And it wasn’t like he was “defending” her, it’s just the stress it adds and he wants to call the whole thing off. It’s complicated.
 
Is 15 extra people coming to your reception worth future bad blood with your in-laws or fiance?

True, it was thoughtless but can you let go of it for the sake of peace?
 
LynnieLew said:
Is 15 extra people coming to your reception worth future bad blood with your in-laws or fiance?

True, it was thoughtless but can you let go of it for the sake of peace?
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Those 15 extra people can cost a lot of money.

Perhaps the Op should level with the mother in law. Instead of being angry at her, give the MIL the benefit of the doubt. She might be understanding if the OP explains her situation.

Status Rose, you will be dealing with this woman for your whole life. Instead of getting angry, explain what your problem is and be truthful. You will feel better and you might be pleasantly surprised if your MIL is understanding.
 
I had my fiance write her an email (a very nice one) explaining that we did not prepare for that amount of people. We didn’t say this, but it is my parents paying for the wedding and it’s not fair to them either.

DF’s mother is a very nice woman and I am sure she didn’t do this to cause more stress, but like someone else said, it was just thoughtless.

I am not going to speak to her about this until I’ve calmed down and thought about it more. I have been nothing but nice to her, and to her credit, she has also been very nice to me.
 
I guess that was my point. I know how expensive a wedding is. However, you can’t put a price on harmony with a mother in law! 😉

Status Rose should definately talk to her but if it means a lot to her future MIL, it may be a nice peace offering.

My biggest concern is when she said her fiance wants to put a stop to it all! That is no way to enter the Sacrament of Marriage, under that kind of stress.
deb1 said:
Those 15 extra people can cost a lot of money.

Perhaps the Op should level with the mother in law. Instead of being angry at her, give the MIL the benefit of the doubt. She might be understanding if the OP explains her situation.

Status Rose, you will be dealing with this woman for your whole life. Instead of getting angry, explain what your problem is and be truthful. You will feel better and you might be pleasantly surprised if your MIL is understanding.
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That is a really good idea.
If she has treated you with nothing be respect up to this point, it could be just a misunderstanding and an opportunity for a nice “talk”.
StratusRose said:
I am not going to speak to her about this until I’ve calmed down and thought about it more. I have been nothing but nice to her, and to her credit, she has also been very nice to me.
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*I am so irritated with my future mother-in-law right now. About a week ago I asked her to give me the addresses of her friends and family for our wedding invitations. So today she sends me about less than half of the people I asked for and ADDED 15 MORE PEOPLE TO THE LIST!!! :mad::banghead:
*

Could she have swaped out some of the people she wanted to invite? Maybe she doesn’t want the people she didn’t give you addresses for, but she wants the new 15 people instead? (Probably wishful thinking on my part?)

I agree with the other posters… let it go this time but draw the line here - NO MORE PEOPLE - obviously.

It’s nice that you both get along at this point. I would overlook ALOT to keep that going.
 
Might I suggest another explanation.
Code: 
 When my wife and I got married, both our sets of parents wanted to know what we received as a wedding present from each and every guest, particularly their acquaintances. We were both surprised, as we were simply happy and grateful that these people thought of us. However, our parents needed to know so they could reciprocate down the line. I guess a gift is not really just a gift; it's a sign of much more.

 Weddings can be tricky things, both with gifts and with guests. Indeed, a wedding is not just about the bride and groom; it's also about the parents, and a guest uninvited could be the sign of a "snub." Perhaps your fiance's mother wants to avoid that.
-Illini
 
My biggest concern is when she said her fiance wants to put a stop to it all! That is no way to enter the Sacrament of Marriage, under that kind of stress.
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We still want to get married, just don’t want the wedding. 🙂

I talked to my mom again today and she offered to call DF’s mom since we are paying for the wedding. My mom and her along well and my mom has the ability to be WAY more civil than me at this point.
 
Perhaps you could tell your MIL that you can put them on your B List of people to invite after your get regrets from your A list people? Even though you invite 211 people that doesn’t mean all will show up…
 
StratusRose said:
I am so irritated with my future mother-in-law right now. About a week ago I asked her to give me the addresses of her friends and family for our wedding invitations. So today she sends me about less than half of the people I asked for and ADDED 15 MORE PEOPLE TO THE LIST!!! :mad::banghead:

She did not even tell me about these people, so of course I didn’t order enough invitations. We finalized the guest list MONTHS ago, and now she added some random people she wants to invite because she “feels bad” for not inviting them! My fiance berely even knows these people. So after venting to my mom for about an hour, fiance and I got into a fight about it. So I left his house on less than good terms. (We managed a “I’ll see you later” because we’re meeting at mass tonight at 7:00PM) Our reception site only accomodates 125 ppl, and we currently have 211 on the guest list. So obviously we have to get a tent for the remaining people, but we feel bad enough about that! It just amazes me how oblivious she is to this whole thing.

Sorry about the rant, I’m just so angry at the moment because this caused an argument between DF and me. 😦 And it wasn’t like he was “defending” her, it’s just the stress it adds and he wants to call the whole thing off. It’s complicated.
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StratusRose, if you already finalized the list months ago, then she should not have added 15 more guests! That’s what FINALIZING means, it’s already set. Unless she is planning on swapping out the new 15 people for 15 already on the list, I would be adamant! You can’t invite everyone you run into that you haven’t seen in a while and let them make you feel guilty because they are begging to be invited! I’m not saying that’s what happened here but in my case, everyone that we or my dd or son-in-law were aquainted with and their brother asssumed that they were going to be invited to my Daughter’s wedding this past May! Some people are going to feel snubbed and that’s all there is to it. We just said, look we are only inviting family and the very closest friends of bride & groom and the parents. You can’t invite everyone. You have already bought the appropriate amount of invitations and it will cost more per person for the reception. Explain it to your future MIL calmly and stick to it. You have enough stress right now. Hang in there.🙂
 
maria29 said:
Perhaps you could tell your MIL that you can put them on your B List of people to invite after your get regrets from your A list people? Even though you invite 211 people that doesn’t mean all will show up…
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Don’t do a B list. It’s rude to the B list people. I’ve received a B list invite, and I can honestly say it felt like a gift grab. I didn’t go, I was actually really insulted by it. Cut people’s dates. If they are single and don’t have a steady bf/gf then don’t give them a plus one.

But don’t cut people who have long term bf/gf’s plus one’s. Unless you are good friends and can explain to them verbally why.
 
Looking back, I wish we would have invited more people. About a third didn’t come anyway.
 
Okay, I really don’t know if I should be talking here, but since I’ve already started… basically, while I have no experience with wedding organisation, perhaps I could suggest calm, calm talking and maybe that it’s better to make some effort first, especially a financial one, and perhaps even struggle a bit later, but “have done it”. I don’t know if I’m sounding particularly clear, but for one I have some regrets for not doing things I should have done but were expensive to do. Money is never as important as living people are. Even if it’s a real strain. Of course, I don’t say your future mother in law was right or whatever, but let’s try to empathise with her. Let’s try to see how she feels. Maybe she doesn’t need that much talking about it. Maybe she wanted to feel necessary, or to feel included, or to feel like she has something to say - not in the egotic sense, but in the sense of being included. In the decision making process perhaps too. After all, she’s the groom’s mother. I think you might want to ask her not to invite any more people without asking you, but as it has been said, you don’t really have any obligation to host people’s dates. I’d rather not hurt her if I were you and I feel that pressing too much without previous consideration could hurt her. Perhaps the way she acted is connected with her emotional state and that one may be making her very receptive to hurts. At the moment especially. I know it’s easy to advise you to sigh and go on, but perhaps that’s the right way. Please try not to be furious, okay? It doesn’t lead anywhere good. Do tell us how you feel now so we can know how you are. I’ll pray for you in a moment. Do take care. And best wishes to you and your fiance. 🙂
 
I remember this all too well. There were people on MIL’s list who DH never even heard of.

If your guest list is anything like mine, you will be very, very surprised how many people don’t respond or don’t come. I was disappointed time and again when people who really would have meant a lot to me and who could have easily showed up for an hour for an in-town wedding. Then there were people we hadn’t seen in literally 10 or 15 years who said YES, wouldn’t miss it for the world.

We stressed and stressed over who to invite and whether we had enough space at the hall, and ended up with only 70%-ish of our most “optimistic” prediction of who would show up.

I think having your mother or fiance deal with the situation is a fine way to handle it. Someone OTHER than you needs to be the one to put a foot down when necessary.

I found myself frequently thanking her for her “great ideas” and then consulting with DH on whether she would even notice whether it happened or not.

Trust me, guest list was THE WORST part of wedding planning as far as dealing with ILs and even my own parents and DH. Once you’re through that it gets a tad easier.

By the way, I’m not working (again, long story) and my offer to help out with anything, seriously, still stands.
 
The bride discussed with the bridesmaids that I was on the B list. That there just wasn’t enough room for all the people she wanted to have there…( If the sentence had finished there I would have been fine, it didn’t), but once people sent their regrets she didn;t want to look like she had no friends, didn’t want empty space she decided to move up her B list people.

People talk, let things slip, and it gets around. That’s why I make it a point to say nothing to others if I wouldnt say it to someone’s face.
 
Ok, I had this thought of an invitation that said “You’re tentatively invited…”:eek:
 
Fifteen guests isn’t a big enough reason to estrange yourself from her.

Maybe if this had been one of many mean actions, or if it had been fifty guests…

Anyways, why not just buy some pretty but wholesale/buyout invitations on eBay and have them sent to her 15 people? You already sent out the “perfect” ones to the people on your guest list.

And based on my catering experience, you don’t have to worry about adding that extra tent. Typically with a special event, only about 70-75% of those invited actually show up.
 
vluvski said:
Ok, I had this thought of an invitation that said “You’re tentatively invited…”:eek:
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Nah, nothing like that… had I recieved an invite that said that… I would have been arrested on an assault charge! 🙂
 
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