Future Mother in law

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StratusRose said:
Brenda V. - Thanks, I appreciate that.

Newf - It’s still in the works. Fiance called his mother and she said she’d pay for the extra invites. However, she said she’d pay for a lot of other stuff and didn’t. I told him, that’s not the point, it’s the principle of the matter. (Turns out I have extra invitations anyway so we don’t need to order more.) So I think my mom is going to call her and get it straightened out. She’s going to suggest sending announcements to out of town people and add “no gifts please” and send them a wallet size pic of us after the wedding. I told my mom yesterday that it’s getting to the point where I am no longer thinking about marriage anymore, just a wedding…that was the very last thing I wanted to happen. So she will call FMIL to ease tensions for me. I love my mommy. 🙂
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StratusRose, your FMIL clearly dosen’t “get it.” Your DM’s suggestion for wedding anouncements is perfect! Thank the Lord for Mommies:D !! May the rest of your Marriage prep & planning be stress-free and pleasant. God Bless.🙂
 
Brenda_V said:
P.S. Thank you for the reply about catered Showers, my experiences obviously did not put me in such a situation of having so many people coming from so far away. I did appreciate the nice response to my question about it. You all have broadened my horizons in what must be done to accomodate all.
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No problem 🙂 You also haven’t tried my cooking… it’s bad. It’s not even that I don’t try. I do, but I dunno, I just can’t do it. I would need people to sign waivers before they eat it so I won’t get sued! Thankfully my boyfriend cooks, and there’s a really rad sub shop around the corner from my apt, otherwise I would starve.

Weddings are very personal yet also very public things. I know what I want for my wedding day whenever that happens ( I need to finish school and my licensure program first). I won’t go overboard, but I also want something nice, elegant and fun. My parent’s have saved for quite a long time.

I’ve also learned that it’s better to give deadlines way earlier than what you need them. If I needed the addresses no later than March 1st I would have asked for them by Feb 15th

We’re planning a girls weekend to Las Vegas next month. We gave everyone the info in September. We asked for a level of interest, and then we went and booked 7 rooms. We told them we needed to know by Feb 17th at 1159 PM a yes or a no. Maybes counted as a no (we have one exception, we had the wrong email and she has to talk to her boss) We’ve cancelled all but two rooms. We wanted to know so we could plan our trip, massages, shows, etc. We only needed 48 hours. but we wanted to know 6 weeks in advance.
 
I can see where you might feel hurt, but I am surprised that a person would think that slight was worthy of retribution. There are easy-to-imagine reasons that such a mistake might happen: not everyone drafted to help with invitations might have known you, or someone might have mixed up your fiance with another friend with a similar name. It shouldn’t take a special branch of the State Department to put on a wedding, at least, not so far as those who presume to consider themselves “very close friends” are concerned.
Well, this was in 1975 and she and I have both been over it for most of the 32 years since it happened. No retribution, just a little nose out of joint action on my part. I invited them to my wedding a few months later. At 25 I was still pretty sensitive.
 
Watch out… this woman raised your future wife…

Unless your fiancee is aware of her mothers “quirks”, and is determined to NOT duplicate them…
 
Jay2 said:
Watch out… this woman raised your future wife…

Unless your fiancee is aware of her mothers “quirks”, and is determined to NOT duplicate them…
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Uhhh, I think you mean future “husband.” I’m a girl you see.
 
I wonder if I’m the only girl who didn’t care a bit about her wedding and reception?

My mom didn’t really care either. A couple weeks before the wedding, she asked me,“did you order the cake?”

“Uh, no.oops.” So, we hopped down to the bakery and picked one out.

The same thing happened with the pianist, the flowers, and the reception at various stages.

My two bridesmaids conspired to have matching dresses because I just told them to wear something nice. And, my dh’s groomsmen conspired to match their suits (we did buy them matching ties). We asked everyone to make doubles of their pictures instead of having a photographer.

The regrets I have is that I wish I would have had a prettier dress. I borrowed mine from a friend (who was expecting at her wedding) and I wish we would have invited everyone we knew.

I was so clueless. I’m a little worried for my daughters. I imagine that I won’t have improved in my planning any for them. 😃
 
StratusRose-

I’m glad to hear everything is working out and that your mother is there to support you and help take care of things. I know as time got closer that my mind was in about five hundred different places AND my emotions were not very level. I had a LOT of stress with my MIL at the time, but let me tell you, after the wedding was over, she and I finally started getting along WAY better and learned how to compromise and bend to eachothers’ personalities since we both are very strong-willed. Emotions are heightened times 100 at least during this time, so I think your mom helping will really do good :). My DH and I got into a HUGE fight once too (over the phone, no less, because he’s from OH and was home at the time) regarding MIL’s decisions vs. what we had wanted…he wasn’t even siding with her - we were both just incredibly frustrated and he was trying to help me see a little of the side he was coming from (being her son and getting her reactions). We laugh about it now, mainly because that was the ONLY time I’ve ever hung up on him (with a “goodbye” of course, but not a very friendly one) and the ONLY time he’s ever come close to yelling back when I"ve yelled.

If it makes you feel any better, we forgot to invite the priests who were concelebrating for our wedding until two weeks before! :eek: Oh, and also, we invited 425+ people to our wedding, expecting about 250, getting about 200 “yes” replies, and only having about 160 show up. There are always those who plan to come and then don’t make it…I don’t know if it would be 15, but maybe that helps your frame of mind :).
 
Stratus Rose,

I didn’t read all the replies but wanted to add a couple of thoughts. I am married to a man whose mother is more difficult than Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond (no exaggeration). I don’t want to go into the details because it is not necessary. My point here is that I have asked God over and over for the grace to love her as God does. Maybe it would help you in your frustration (which believe me I can understand) to just pray a simple prayer each day that first - the matter can be resolved through the guidance of your own mom - and secondly that you can see her through Jesus’ eyes rather than your own. It is a grace and I believe that being Lent it is an excellent time to start.

You and your DF are in my prayers.
 
StratusRose said:
Brenda V. - Thanks, I appreciate that.

Newf - It’s still in the works. Fiance called his mother and she said she’d pay for the extra invites. However, she said she’d pay for a lot of other stuff and didn’t. I told him, that’s not the point, it’s the principle of the matter. (Turns out I have extra invitations anyway so we don’t need to order more.) So I think my mom is going to call her and get it straightened out. She’s going to suggest sending announcements to out of town people and add “no gifts please” and send them a wallet size pic of us after the wedding. I told my mom yesterday that it’s getting to the point where I am no longer thinking about marriage anymore, just a wedding…that was the very last thing I wanted to happen. So she will call FMIL to ease tensions for me. I love my mommy. 🙂
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Your additional information regarding the behaviour of your MIL changes my mind.

The behaviour does indeed appear to be without remorse and with consistency, so I would use this situation of 15 additional people to make a clear (although still respectful) message.

MIL doesn’t get to do whatever she wants at your expense. There also appears to be a truth issue going on, whether it is callous or personality based, it is still there. Address that quickly! It might be annoying to expect money committed and not get it, but how will you feel later on in other life situations? How about when MIL tells your kids she is going to visit, and everyone eagerly cleans and waits for Granny to come by, only to be disappointed time and time again?

In one thread, I am changing my tune! Time to lay down the way it’s going to be, without letting MIL in on the planning. She can accommodate you and NOT the other way around.
 
Update: My mom did end up calling my FMIL and they agreed that she wouldn’t add anymore people.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday: I got more addresses, and she added 8 more people. I wanted to pull my hair out. My mom called her again and asked her what was going on. She claimed that there were 2 final guest lists and that’s what she was going by. I have NO idea how she got 2 lists. So this is the solution we came up with. I am going to mail out the invitations for my friends, my family, and my fiance’s friends. I am giving back the invitations for her friends and her family to her so she can sort out who she wants to invite. My mom thinks she has ADD because she can’t concentrate on anything to save her life. Anyway, the next day FMIL wrote me an email apologizing for the confusion and she said she mainly wants DF and me to be happy.

I am happy with this solution because I am giving her exactly the amount of invitations she needs, and then it will be up to her to get them out.

That’s one hurdle…wonder what could be next??
 
StratusRose said:
Update: My mom did end up calling my FMIL and they agreed that she wouldn’t add anymore people.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday: I got more addresses, and she added 8 more people. I wanted to pull my hair out. My mom called her again and asked her what was going on. She claimed that there were 2 final guest lists and that’s what she was going by. I have NO idea how she got 2 lists. So this is the solution we came up with. I am going to mail out the invitations for my friends, my family, and my fiance’s friends. I am giving back the invitations for her friends and her family to her so she can sort out who she wants to invite. My mom thinks she has ADD because she can’t concentrate on anything to save her life. Anyway, the next day FMIL wrote me an email apologizing for the confusion and she said she mainly wants DF and me to be happy.

I am happy with this solution because I am giving her exactly the amount of invitations she needs, and then it will be up to her to get them out.

That’s one hurdle…wonder what could be next??
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Rosie, my girl, that’s a great solution. Maybe all brides should do that. Here’s your 100 invitations and here’s mine. I like it.
 
StratusRose said:
Update: My mom did end up calling my FMIL and they agreed that she wouldn’t add anymore people.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday: I got more addresses, and she added 8 more people. I wanted to pull my hair out. My mom called her again and asked her what was going on. She claimed that there were 2 final guest lists and that’s what she was going by. I have NO idea how she got 2 lists. So this is the solution we came up with. I am going to mail out the invitations for my friends, my family, and my fiance’s friends. I am giving back the invitations for her friends and her family to her so she can sort out who she wants to invite. My mom thinks she has ADD because she can’t concentrate on anything to save her life. Anyway, the next day FMIL wrote me an email apologizing for the confusion and she said she mainly wants DF and me to be happy.

I am happy with this solution because I am giving her exactly the amount of invitations she needs, and then it will be up to her to get them out.

That’s one hurdle…wonder what could be next??
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Yeah, great solution to this apparent lack of communication on your FMIL’s part 😃

Praying that this is the biggest problem you will have!

Brenda V.
 
daeve said:
Other suggestions cheerfully accepted.
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Maybe they don’t feel their contribution is appreciated well enough to warrant the effort and risk of stepping up and exposing oneself to shame, criticism and the like, or maybe the feel they have no say in the decisions, so they don’t bother with feedback. At least that’s what would make me stay away and avoid getting involved, although well, laziness is always there. 😉

@Stratus Rose: I feel for you. I’d rather not discuss the specifics in public as this forum is indexed by Google, but let’s just say I can empathise. Can you be sure that your future mother in law will not make decisions in your marriage?
 
I think it’s mostly A and C. My boyfriend has watched me plan a thousand showers, and he just rolls his eyes when I ask him which shade of (insert color here) he likes best. He just thinks they’re all the same. Ditto with linens, patterns and flowers. The only thing my boyfriend has expressed any interest in was the wedding registry. He doesn’t enjoy shopping at all, but he wants a nice grill.

He doesn’t care about the difference between sea foam and mint, to him, green is green
 
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