Future Mother in law

[Rob_s_Wife]

I’m of 2 minds on this:
Rose, calm down and just be honest with mil. “Sorry, but we based all our invitations, accomodations, and catering off of the list you had already given us and can’t change all those arrangements to add in another 15.” Honestly, it doesn’t sound like she’ll really care that much. If they were that important to her, she would have seen to it that they were on the first list.

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**Second, I’m telling all my kids to just gather at the Church some beautiful evening for their weddings. 75 people tops, should cover parents, grandparents, and siblings. (We’ll just give everyone a call!) Everyone else will get a wedding announcement. Personally, that’s all I wanted. A christmas time candlelight wedding with choir bells and a few select guests. (I really dislike organ music.) The brides can use my wedding dress, men can wear a nice suit, and we’re all good to go. No fuss, no mess, plenty of happy memories. **

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See now aren’t I the accomodating future mil? I have it all planned out already to make it easy for them. All they have to do is start showing up in about 10 years.

 

[hasikelee]

That scenario happened at a party we hosted and 20 people did not show out of 120. These are people who sent in a R.S.V.P. saying they WERE coming. They just didn’t show for whatever reasons. The same happened at my Daughter’s wedding only on a smaller scale. 3 people didn’t attend that sent in an R.S.V.P. saying they WERE attending. That’s 20 people at $35.00 per person for the B’day party and for the wedding 3 people at between $50- $60 per person! You really just never know who won’t show and if you have already included them in the final count, you just have to “eat” the cost.

That is how the parish dinner dance is over here. They pay for 250 people and no matter how many show up, that is what they pay. This year only 135 people showed!!

This is a good example of why it is important to know what you want/need ahead of time and properly screen caterers!

 

[gmarie21]

As a rule of thumb, at least with everyone I know. When you give the final head count, always subtract 10% of those who RSVPed that they were going to attend. Every place ALWAYS makes extra food incase people show up who didn’t RSVP and there are always extra chairs and tables that can be rolled out. This formula has worked for every wedding, funeral, shower, anniversary, graduation party that my family has planned (and I have a huge Italian Irish family where there are usually parties monthly).

 

[Brenda_V]

I am so irritated with my future mother-in-law right now. About a week ago I asked her to give me the addresses of her friends and family for our wedding invitations. So today she sends me about less than half of the people I asked for and ADDED 15 MORE PEOPLE TO THE LIST!!! :banghead:

Okay, so future MIL gave you a list with addresses of 1/2 the original + 15 not original, is she expecting you to invite the 1/2 you don’t have addresses on? If not then I would say you are actually ahead of the game then. 100 people originally on list, 1/2 of that equals 50, plus 15 new ends up with 65 which is, 35 less than original (these figures are semi-made up as I don’t know what the original figure is).

I never said anything about estranging myself from her.

I don’t have enough time to shop for more invitations because they have to go out in 9 days. It’s also the principle of the matter. We finalized months ago, the invitations were already ordered, and you just can’t spring things like this on people at the last minute.

I still say that with this above statement she is starting to sound like a bridezilla - inflexible (you will note that in my original post on this I used a smiley to indicate that I was semi-joking, if not joking entirely). Two of us have given her suggestions on how to compensate for said extra invites - mine even stated that she do this after she talked to her future MIL to clarify things. I also pointed out how this is only a problem if the reception is one of the “$50.00 average” per person deals. Yes, that makes things more complicated.

My oldest after reading about and participating in Weddings has decided that hers will be a 7 p.m. Saturday Wedding with dessert only at the reception (yes, there will probably be favors for the guests but none of this $50.00 per person plate affairs!) This just makes for crazy Brides, Brides families, Grooms and Grooms families!

Stratus I certainly hope and pray that you have settled down enough to approach your future MIL and talk to her calmly about how you feel about having these 15 people sprung on you and how much more it will cost your parents who have a budget to maintain in order not to go into serious debt for their daughter’s wedding.

Another suggestion to approach your MIL about is, could she have a reception for her newly wed son and his wife with some of these people after the Honeymoon? This way they can still be included in a small way in her joy but not at the Wedding itself so late in the game.

RE: Showers, my goodness why do you have to have one catered? My daughter had a wonderful shower for her friend at our house and we had a blast playing games and we served do it yourself ice cream sundaes - the brides favorite dessert. Her sister a year later had a shower at her moms house hosted by one of her friends (he lived in an apartment so didn’t have enough room for a shower) and we had a lot of fun at that one too - I bet that didn’t cost $50.00 a person either!

I am just amazed in reading all of this how we seem to lose sight of what is happening here - a Wedding is more than the reception, it is the Sacrament of Matrimony that is being celebrated (Stratus and others here this is really not meant for you as I am pretty sure in having read your other posts that this isn’t so).

So, all you who are planning your weddings right now, take a minute, take a deep breath and pray a Hail Mary or two, ask Mary to help you with this planning as she did at the Wedding in Cana. Go to daily Mass if you can, I did for two months before my Wedding 28 years ago (my schedule allowed me to attend the evening Mass - I would get dinner ready for my parents, myself, my sister and her young family and go to Mass).

Brenda V.

 

[OldAgeGuru]

RE: Showers, my goodness why do you have to have one catered? My daughter had a wonderful shower for her friend at our house and we had a blast playing games and we served do it yourself ice cream sundaes - the brides favorite dessert. Her sister a year later had a shower at her moms house hosted by one of her friends (he lived in an apartment so didn’t have enough room for a shower) and we had a lot of fun at that one too - I bet that didn’t cost $50.00 a person either!
QUOTE]

Well we are having them catered for a number of different reasons. All the weddings I am in, I’m not local to the bride. All of us spread out after high school and college. Two of them are from my hometown, but, it’s actually easier to have them catered. There’s no way I’m cooking food for 50-75 women and then driving it 200 miles in my car, with my dog. I will get home with no food, but will have a very fat dog. In the two cases of my hometown, I’m the only bridesmaid that will be driving, and have access to a kitchen (my parents kitchen and they have their own food to cook). The other two will be flying in and staying in hotels. It’s hard to cook for a third world country using a hot plate and a bathroom sink. Also, I don’t cook. At all. Ever. My idea of cooking is pouring cereal in a bowl and if there’s milk I’ll use it. If not I’ll eat it dry. Maybe I’ll toast a bagel if I’m feeling adventurous All of us bridesmaids have very busy schedules and lives of our own, and frankly catering was just the best way to go.

The showers are huge, so that’s why we’re having them at a facility. My parent’s house is pretty big, but there is no way it could hold 50 women, without my parents installing bleacher seating, which would seriously clash with their decor

I don’t begrudge anyone a big wedding if they want one. If they want the fairy tale dress and flowers and big event, and they can afford one, then they should have one. If they want a small private affair than they should have one.

Personally, I’m in no rush to get married, right now I just want to get married so I can finally get a Kitchenaid Mixer and free health insurance from my current boyfriend’s company. However, I recognize that no copays and no deductions from my paycheck, and no more dough kneading are not appropriate reasons to tie the knot. I have to say that if my mother offered to let me use her wedding dress… I might just laugh in her face. That thing is so 1970’s hideous, there’s just no way I could walk down the aisle without being doubled over in laughter. The only thing worse than her wedding dress were my dad and his groomsmen’s tuxes. My dad wore powder blue, and the groomsmen wore canary yellow. If I were my parent’s I would have burned the pictures long ago to destroy any proof that I ever wore something that ugly

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I never said anything about estranging myself from her.

I don’t have enough time to shop for more invitations because they have to go out in 9 days. It’s also the principle of the matter. We finalized months ago, the invitations were already ordered, and you just can’t spring things like this on people at the last minute.

Wow, were you brave to cut the number of invitations you’d need so close.

It’s time to get with the pattern of marital conflict resolution: In other words, your fiance needs to deal with this.

First, he can take the list of people he wants to invite that his mother left out, and take them to her to get the addresses. This should be about him, what he wants to do for you, and not about you. He can also tell his mother that now she’s embarassed him a bit because you’ve run out of invitations. “It’s OK, Mom, but could you have some printed to send to these extra people you’ve added?” And, by the way, tell her that this is adding expense to the wedding, and what is the groom’s family going to do about that? Offering to pitch in some money to pay for those 15 surprises would be a good way to go.

He should go in knowing that his mother may be quite aware that there is almost no chance that any of those 15 invitees will actually come, but might feel slighted for not having been invited. In that case, it is only the cost of coming up with extra invitations in a rush order that needs to be faced. He needs to be very gentle with her and very understanding with her and to let her know that he’s doing this on his own and you had nothing to do with it…but he needs to handle it. He’s your state department with regards to his family, and you the state department with regards to yours, with protocol being in everyone’s best interest. He should always approach his family as if a) you would never say anything if they unknowingly offended you and b) of course nobody ever thinks for a single minute that anybody in his family would ever knowingly offend his sweet beloved wife. Do you see how it works, now?

Stand up, young man. If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to stand in the chivalrous gap and diplomatically approach your mom because your polite new wife and family would have passed it over, never thinking of raising the question themselves.

 

[Princess_Abby]

In reading this thread, ITA with almost everything OldAgeGuru has posted. I’ve been in a number of weddings and everyone has their own and usually very strong opinion about what is appropriate and what isn’t, in regards to planning and the ceremony/reception itself–yet the wedding itself is that of only two people. I’m always surprised by how many non-funding family members of brides and grooms feel they have a right to dictate how things go.

StratusRose, for what it’s worth, I don’t find anything ‘bridezilla-esque’ about expecting your MIL to cooperate with clearly-communicated deadlines. Nor would I EVER go out and print off Target ‘do it yourself’ invitations for only a handful of guests and invite them at the last minute…we, personally, displayed our invites at our wedding (which I have seen done at many weddings) and I wonder how some guests would have felt to know they got the cheap home printer version of invites as opposed to the professionally printed expensive version? Nothing says “B list” more then receiving a different invitation that is clearly not professionally done… (I have nothing against do-it-yourself invitations, but not when you’re ordering professional ones for everyone but 15 guests.)

 

[BLB_Oregon]

In reading this thread, ITA with almost everything OldAgeGuru has posted. I’ve been in a number of weddings and everyone has their own and usually very strong opinion about what is appropriate and what isn’t, in regards to planning and the ceremony/reception itself–yet the wedding itself is that of only two people. I’m always surprised by how many non-funding family members of brides and grooms feel they have a right to dictate how things go.

StratusRose, for what it’s worth, I don’t find anything ‘bridezilla-esque’ about expecting your MIL to cooperate with clearly-communicated deadlines. Nor would I EVER go out and print off Target ‘do it yourself’ invitations for only a handful of guests and invite them at the last minute…we, personally, displayed our invites at our wedding (which I have seen done at many weddings) and I wonder how some guests would have felt to know they got the cheap home printer version of invites as opposed to the professionally printed expensive version? Nothing says “B list” more then receiving a different invitation that is clearly not professionally done… (I have nothing against do-it-yourself invitations, but not when you’re ordering professional ones for everyone but 15 guests.)

This brings up an important clarification.

I was suggesting that the MIL foot the bill for the very expensive route of having the extra invitations done on a rush basis, and sent out at whatever time the order came back…on the basis that this is what I’d have to offer to do, if the MIL’s gaffe were mine. If there is a minimum order, she can order that. Otherwise, she needs to admit that the omission was her own fault and call the people she left out in order to personally to invite them. If the invitations will be going out late, she should probably both call and then send them in the mail when that is possible. If it is impossible to invite them, it is up to her to call them and tell them what happened.

Also, were she my MIL, I wouldn’t take up the topic with her. If she brought it up, I would say, “DH told me that he talked to you about it. This should not come between you and me. You two work it out, and I’ll consider it settled.” To a third party, I’d take the same party line. As far as anyone in the world knows, anything your MIL does should be something that bothers your husband far more than it does you, and he should be the one who makes any public announcements about it. Otherwise, you’re going to put him in some truly unteneable situations.

BTW, displaying an invitation at the reception is not de rigueur, and should certainly be something you’re willing to forego in order to prevent any embarrassment to your MIL. If she goes off on her own and sends out cut-rate invitations to her friends, cover for her, even if it means taking some of the embarrassment onto yourself.

Have any of you ever regretted being too gracious in covering for each other’s sins? Look at the big picture here. Keep the main thing the main thing. The peace and love in a family is far more important than the details of any party that they may throw…and that is all a wedding reception is, a big party by which joined families shares their joy with each other and their friends. Don’t let it become anything other than that.

 

[OldAgeGuru]

For me, personally, I have a pretty good relationship with my boyfriends parents. They liked me because I didn’t put on airs with them. I was myself, and I was clear, and concise and to the point, but not rude. I have a knack for putting people at ease with my self deprecating sense of humor. If you can do that, than you should definetly think about taking future MIL out to lunch and say something politely, yet to the point regarding the extra expense and you dan do it without getting stressed out and overly emotional than try it. Open lines of communication with her.

I would also think about taking mom and MIL out for lunch and saying something about how excited I am for the big day, and how I am soo happy that my family just got larger, and how much I love everyone including Fiance’s overly hands on creepy great Uncle Joe! And I love how everyone is so into planning and helping, and had such great ideas. But maybe we could scale back a little here and there so it doesn’t look like we invited half the eastern seaboard! That while we love and appreciate everyone’s love and well wishes for our future, there’s just so many people, and maybe when we return from the honeymoon we could have a small gathering for people… Just a brunch or somehting on a Sunday after mass to celebrate and thank everyone for their love and support with no gifts needed. You don’t have to invite everyone… Invite a mix of people who are local who were invited and who weren’t. and stress that NO GIFTS are needed. If someone feels compelled to give a gift, that they should spend that money on a charity of your choosing, or to buy a gift for their spouse or significant other to keep the cycle of love feeling going around.

And somebody better get me a darn Kitchenaid!

 

[Viki59]

I feel so lucky.
My stepdaughter got married a few months ago; she asked me to contribute to paying for the food, and she and her friends handled the whole thing.
Part of it was her urge to be independent, and also I guess it’s a Mexican custom (that’s where she’s from) that different friends/relatives take charge of different parts of the wedding and reception. It was a lovely, fun wedding with tons of people, and I didn’t do anything but dance at the reception.

 

[StratusRose]

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

SR

P.S. I am NOT a bridezilla. Watch “Whose Wedding is it Anyway” on the Style network. Brides who throw fits about chair covers, and horse drawn carriages are bridezillas. (BTW, I am having neither because that kind of stuff is unnessesary.) People like me who just expect common courtesy from others are NOT bridezillas.

 

[maria29]

In reading this thread, ITA with almost everything OldAgeGuru has posted. I’ve been in a number of weddings and everyone has their own and usually very strong opinion about what is appropriate and what isn’t, in regards to planning and the ceremony/reception itself–yet the wedding itself is that of only two people. I’m always surprised by how many non-funding family members of brides and grooms feel they have a right to dictate how things go.

StratusRose, for what it’s worth, I don’t find anything ‘bridezilla-esque’ about expecting your MIL to cooperate with clearly-communicated deadlines. Nor would I EVER go out and print off Target ‘do it yourself’ invitations for only a handful of guests and invite them at the last minute…we, personally, displayed our invites at our wedding (which I have seen done at many weddings) and I wonder how some guests would have felt to know they got the cheap home printer version of invites as opposed to the professionally printed expensive version? Nothing says “B list” more then receiving a different invitation that is clearly not professionally done… (I have nothing against do-it-yourself invitations, but not when you’re ordering professional ones for everyone but 15 guests.)

**I agree and thats why I always think that you should order a couple of extra invitations because one never knows what could happen…One of my friends had the last 20 of hers on her kitchen table when her younger sister who was 4 or 5 at time decided to help “decorate” them while her older sister was taking a shower.

All i am saying is be prepared for anything and everything…
**

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

SR

P.S. I am NOT a bridezilla. Watch “Whose Wedding is it Anyway” on the Style network. Brides who throw fits about chair covers, and horse drawn carriages are bridezillas. (BTW, I am having neither because that kind of stuff is unnessesary.) People like me who just expect common courtesy from others are NOT bridezillas.

Even when The MIL From Hell and the Bride From the Planet Me are not involved in a wedding, these things happen. It’s an emotional time and an event around which people do get their feelings hurt. People do offend one person without meaning to, as often as not in an effort to make the event extra nice or to avoid offending…it is a bit of a diplomatic minefield.

Do your best to be as gracious as you can, doing the St. Francis, “seeking to console rather than be consoled” where ever you can muster it, and it will work out OK. And no, you don’t need to let anyone label you. We’re all sinners, we are all the beloved of God, those are labels enough.

Congratulations and best wishes for your upcoming marriage. I hope the wedding comes off beautifully, too.

 

[hasikelee]

maria29:
I agree and thats why I always think that you should order a couple of extra invitations because one never knows what could happen…One of my friends had the last 20 of hers on her kitchen table when her younger sister who was 4 or 5 at time decided to help “decorate” them while her older sister was taking a shower.

**All i am saying is be prepared for anything and everything… **

OH NO! I can completely see that happening to me!

 

[Brenda_V]

SR

P.S. I am NOT a bridezilla. Watch “Whose Wedding is it Anyway” on the Style network. Brides who throw fits about chair covers, and horse drawn carriages are bridezillas. (BTW, I am having neither because that kind of stuff is unnessesary.) People like me who just expect common courtesy from others are NOT bridezillas.

I wish to apologize to you for saying this. I have obviously gotten the wrong impression as others did not read into what you had written in the same way, mea culpa. I do not wish to add stress to an already stressful event.

May the rest of your months up to your wedding be better and I am praying that this issue of inconsiderate MIL has been resolved.

Brenda V.

P.S. Thank you for the reply about catered Showers, my experiences obviously did not put me in such a situation of having so many people coming from so far away. I did appreciate the nice response to my question about it. You all have broadened my horizons in what must be done to accomodate all.

 

[newf]

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

SR

P.S. I am NOT a bridezilla. Watch “Whose Wedding is it Anyway” on the Style network. Brides who throw fits about chair covers, and horse drawn carriages are bridezillas. (BTW, I am having neither because that kind of stuff is unnessesary.) People like me who just expect common courtesy from others are NOT bridezillas.

StratusRose, you most certainly are NOT a bridezilla! Your future MIL was waaay out of line. She was rude. When my dtr’s future MIL called me with more people to add to her list AFTER the cut off date, I told her ‘sorry, we’re out of invitations’. And that was it. They were not invited.

BTW, how are things going for you now? How did you solve this problem?

 

[StratusRose]

StratusRose, you most certainly are NOT a bridezilla! Your future MIL was waaay out of line. She was rude. When my dtr’s future MIL called me with more people to add to her list AFTER the cut off date, I told her ‘sorry, we’re out of invitations’. And that was it. They were not invited.

BTW, how are things going for you now? How did you solve this problem?

Brenda V. - Thanks, I appreciate that.

Newf - It’s still in the works. Fiance called his mother and she said she’d pay for the extra invites. However, she said she’d pay for a lot of other stuff and didn’t. I told him, that’s not the point, it’s the principle of the matter. (Turns out I have extra invitations anyway so we don’t need to order more.) So I think my mom is going to call her and get it straightened out. She’s going to suggest sending announcements to out of town people and add “no gifts please” and send them a wallet size pic of us after the wedding. I told my mom yesterday that it’s getting to the point where I am no longer thinking about marriage anymore, just a wedding…that was the very last thing I wanted to happen. So she will call FMIL to ease tensions for me. I love my mommy.

 

[daeve]

How would you even know you were on the B list?

Because of when you receive the invitation. Other people have gotten their invitations weeks ago, or the wedding is 10 days away.

There are so many ways to hurt feelings over weddings. When I was engaged, some friends invited my fiance and “guest”. I was really hurt because these were very close friends, and I didn’t go. The bride was amazed years later that my feelings were hurt. She was mad at me for not coming. As it turns out, our friendship lasted despite this, and our marriages didn’t.

I think someone (you, your mom, him???) has to be frank with mil and explain there are so many invitations and seats available. Adding a tent, more invitations and more meals could be a real problem for your folks.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

There are so many ways to hurt feelings over weddings. When I was engaged, some friends invited my fiance and “guest”. I was really hurt because these were very close friends, and I didn’t go.

I can see where you might feel hurt, but I am surprised that a person would think that slight was worthy of retribution. There are easy-to-imagine reasons that such a mistake might happen: not everyone drafted to help with invitations might have known you, or someone might have mixed up your fiance with another friend with a similar name. It shouldn’t take a special branch of the State Department to put on a wedding, at least, not so far as those who presume to consider themselves “very close friends” are concerned.

We can decide, when someone does something offensive to us, to not take offense, or if we take offense, to react graciously instead of to reciprocate with a act intended to return the slight. Love does not brood over injuries. If you don’t love someone enough to pass over their failures, why would you think you love them enough to be included by name among their friends? It all depends on how you choose to look at it.

I have been left off the invitation list altogether for the wedding of “very close friends.” Their siblings got wind of why I was not coming, asked the bride about it, and I got a verbal invitation, relayed by the siblings. I was happy to go and enjoyed myself thoroughly. I was left off a list. I didn’t get a piece of paper. When it was made it clear that it was simply a mistake, that was good enough for me. Had I not gotten an invitation in the end, I still would have sent a gift. These things happen. A single slight should not put a life-long friendship, built up by years of kindness, in any kind of doubt. That isn’t even fair.

As for the OP, the “tensions will be eased” when she decides to let go of the injury and love her MIL in spite of it. The ball is in her court. This will not be the first time that this kind of thing comes up. It is not a job for her “mommy”…for on that wedding day, she will leave her father and mother and cling to her husband. Assuming they are ready for the demands of marriage in the first place, this is a job for the bride and groom to face on their own.

 

[newf]

As for the OP, the “tensions will be eased” when she decides to let go of the injury and love her MIL in spite of it. The ball is in her court. This will not be the first time that this kind of thing comes up. It is not a job for her “mommy”…for on that wedding day, she will leave her father and mother and cling to her husband. Assuming they are ready for the demands of marriage in the first place, this is a job for the bride and groom to face on their own.

Oh please…do you really think it’s helpful to tell Stratus to let go of her injury and love her MIL in spite of it??? I’m sure she knows that. Your post is very insulting. You should know better than to write ‘assuming they are ready for the demands of marriage in the first place…’ That is quite condescending, and who, btw, is ever really ready for marriage anyway??

From what I’ve read about Stratus here, she is a decent young woman trying to get a wedding together. She is overwhelmed. It is most certainly wonderful that she has a mom to help her. I would do the same.