Gay friend is getting married

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I’m a non-practicing gay celibate who’s oldest friend very recently proposed to his partner.

When he announced the engagement on FaceBook, I wished him and his partner “every happiness”, and left it at that.

He and I have somewhat drifted apart over the years, him in a relationship with his partner, whereas I’ve been back to the Church for maybe a couple of years now.

He is aware that I attend Mass, however, I don’t think he knows just how involved I am with my faith, which means everything to me.

I am expecting an invite to either a wedding, or civil partnership (I was one of three “best persons” to his first civil-partnership many years ago), and this, needless to say will put me in a serious predicament, as it do doubt will involve having a very difficult conversation.

This friend knows everything about me, and, has the potential to make my life extremely difficult, if not ruin it completely, especially if this gets nasty; he’s always been very much “it’s my way or the highway”, type of character.

If anyone has ever experienced a similar situation, I could really do with some advice right about now, as this has been playing on my mind since his announcement, and potential ramifications.

Many thanks and God bless.
 
No is a complete sentence.

When you receive the invitation, send your regrets. You need not supply a reason.

Really, people have conflicts with social events all the time and have to turn them down.
 
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If you have drifted apart, as 1ke said, a simple no, I willing be attending should suffice. You may not even be invited this time.

I don’t know if your friend is Catholic or not, and I am confused by your non-practicing/I attend mass comment.
 
1ke said:
No is a complete sentence.

When you receive the invitation, send your regrets. You need not supply a reason.

Really, people have conflicts with social events all the time and have to turn them down.
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I’m not sure that works when it’s your “oldest friend.” People will rearrange their schedules for a best friend’s wedding. Simply saying “something else came up, sorry” isn’t going to cut it, unless that “something else” is incredibly important, like rushing to a dying relative’s bedside. I guess it depends on how much he and his friend have “drifted apart.”

OP, I think your only two realistic options are either to attend or to have a very difficult conversation. That’s really it; you’re in a tricky situation.
 
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Yes, I thought that too, but the word celibate threw me, it seemed redundant.
 
OP, if this person is truly a friend, why would they want to make your life difficult or ruin it?
 
Arimor said:
This friend knows everything about me, and, has the potential to make my life extremely difficult, if not ruin it completely, especially if this gets nasty;
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On this point, I strongly encourage you to prepare yourself for this possibility, and the profound importance of the decision it would call for. It is most important to remain faithful to the Truth that you know. Men can and will betray us, and seek to harm us, and threaten everything they can possibly threaten, to try to control our lives and our very souls. Remember Jesus, remember His words, and His promises.
Luk 9:23 And he said to all, "If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
Luk 9:24 For whoever would save his life will lose it; and whoever loses his life for my sake, he will save it.
Luk 9:25 For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?
Luk 9:26 For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
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This resonated so much with me fide, thank you so much, I really needed to see this and be reminded of Jesus’s Words. This is simply a difficult conversation I will need to be having, whatever the consequences.

God bless you.
 
If you don’t want to attend, don’t go. It’s easy enough to come up with a polite and truthful excuse, such as a conflict with another commitment, a family visit, travel etc. It’s easy enough to plan a trip, family visit, attendance at another event, prayerful retreat, work hours, etc. for the same day or weekend as a wedding we don’t wish to attend. You don’t even have to tell the friend what the other commitment is.

You said this friend and you have “somewhat drifted apart” so it may even be that he’s not really expecting you to show up. You already wished him happiness so it’s not like you’re being impolite.

There is no need for you to be explaining to this friend why you don’t want to attend.

Furthermore, if he is nasty and a “My way or the highway” person who might act vindictively if he’s crossed, then he’s not much of a friend and you’re better off without him.

I’m also not sure how someone who has “drifted apart” from you has the potential to “ruin” your life. If you two have drifted apart, he doesn’t even know what your life currently consists of. What is he going to do, start drama about you? Your real friends should turn a blind eye to that, and you can block him on social media and on your phone. Presumably he is not your boss, or your immediate family member, so he’s really limited in what he can do.

This person also may very well be focusing on his marriage plans, his honeymoon, his new life going forward, and not be wanting to bother with making life difficult for someone who hasn’t even been around much lately.

Just say no, make a truthful but polite excuse if necessary, and carry on with your life.

We don’t let friends have control over our lives and choices.
 
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Because we go back a long way, although we’ve drifted apart over the years.

By me not attending his marriage on religious grounds, his (maybe understandable) reaction would be, “what are you talking about, you’re gay”, and will more than likely be very offended, and will also no doubt accuse me of being a self-hating gay with internalised homophobia, and, given his head-strong nature, could very well try and do something to “get his own back”, and no, this isn’t me over-thinking things.

Not an easy situation, however there is no alternative, my attending his wedding would essentially mean I would be condoning a mortal sin, which I simply cannot participate in.

Hope this makes sense.

God bless.
 
RolandThompsonGunner said:
I’m not sure that works when it’s your “oldest friend.” People will rearrange their schedules for a best friend’s wedding.
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This is a guy who the OP describes as having “drifted apart” from them and who also sounds like he’s a big bully, not an actual friend. An “oldest friend” should be understanding. Otherwise, it’s time to let them go.
Arimor said:
By me not attending his marriage on religious grounds
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You don’t need to tell him that’s why you’re not going.
If I decided to skip a wedding “on religious grounds” I would not tell that to the person involved unless they were perhaps my immediate family member and I was concerned they were straying from the Church.
The reason why I do or don’t go to a wedding is nobody’s business but my own.
 
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Thank you Tis_Bearself, that’s very sensible advice, which I will take on board, and thank you for taking the time to reply, it’s very much appreciated.

God Bless.
 
Arimor said:
By me not attending his marriage on religious grounds,
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Why religious grounds as opposed declining the invitation with a generic reason or no explanation at all?
 
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RolandThompsonGunner said:
I’m not sure that works when it’s your “oldest friend.”
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I’m not that close with my oldest friend anymore.
I could turn down an invitation from her without eliciting a whole lot of astonishment.
And besides, invitations aren’t commands.
Nobody should let others pull their strings.
 
Arimor said:
Because I would imagine he would expect a reasonably good reason as to why I could not attend. Not helped by the fact that I’m the worst liar I know and as transparent as a sheet of cellophane…But yes, I guess I will need to be out of the country at the time…
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You definitely don’t need to (and shouldn’t) lie. He might expect an explanation, but I’m not sure you owe him one. Whatever you tell him should be a matter of prudence and what you can say in good conscience, not a matter of meeting his expectations.
 
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