Gentlemen: Top 10 Qualities When Choosing a Wife

[Gertabelle]

I don’t like these kinds of questions, because I don’t they often generate much reflection.

People tend to say the same obvious things—honesty, commitment, ect. But really, even in this day and age, I suspect a large majority of people want those things.

Yes, perhaps this sort of question is shallow, even plebeian. Still, the question itself was generated from much reflection on my part…and the recognition that I have a lot of preconceived notions of what men are looking for in a wife.

So I thought I’d go to the source. I’m not looking for “THE” answer – just some thoughts and insights.

And if anyone wants to reflect before responding, as some have done, so much the better

Gertie

 

[BobCatholic]

When I was looking, I had some idea what I wanted in a wife.

Rejection factors: If I saw this, I pressed the EJECT button and opened my parachute.

• narcissism
• addictions - shopping, gambling, smoking, drug use, etc.
• Marxism
• negative opinion about marriage
• negative opinion about children
• negative opinion about religions
• money grubbing
• luxury living

Things I was looking for

• Catholic!
• unselfish or low selfishness
• great cook or at least willing to learn to cook if she wasn’t good at it
• knew that housework was a labor of love, not slavery
• patient. She’ll have to put up with me (and I’ll put up with her )
• looking for a partner to help carry a cross, not someone to add to the cross - after all, I’ll be helping her carry her cross too
• Someone who, if the economy crashed and I was out of work for long periods of time with no money, would still stick with me. I definitely was right about the future!
• loves kids!

 

[pensmama87]

I asked my husband this question and this is what he said, pretty much verbatim, in no particular order:

• adaptability (things in life change)
• commitment (aka not being unfaithful)
• sense of humor
• intelligent
• able to be independent
• some shared interests (doesn’t have to be everything)
• family-oriented, wants children
• faith (said it would be top 3 now, and while it was less important when he was younger it still mattered)
• fiscal responsibility (not extravagant, not blowing a lot of money all the time)
• physical attractiveness (I actually prompted him on this one, he said it became less important over time - physical attractiveness would determine who would get a first date but after that he’d start looking for the other stuff on the list)

A while later he added:

• somebody who likes doing things and going places and getting out of the house (less important now) - but at this stage in our life it’s not possible all the time, bigger priority is our kids

We actually had a really good conversation about this, so even if the lists themselves are kind of superficial, they can provoke some good stuff.

 

[punisherthunder]

…in no particular order

1. Is she religious? Catholic?
2. Does she truly care about me?
3. Have plenty of common interests?
4. 100% Femininity and proud of that.
5. Understands the family dynamic.
6. …Beauty
7. Let’s me be her hero.
8. Well educated & accomplished in a career
9. Wants the best possible future.
10. Loves me for me.

 

[dedo]

I had no “requirements” or “qualities” that I was looking for. In fact, I was not looking for a wife when I started dating my wife, it just happened.

I like lots of different sorts of people. Also, I don’t go around with some sort of meter that looks outward. My own meter is turned inward, to try to improve myself.

However, if I think of actual reasons why we ended up getting married it would include:

1. Falling in love.
2. Different personalities. My wife is more outgoing, and I think opposites sometimes attract.
   However, in platonic relationships, I don’t dislike people who are quiet either. So I am
   speculating
3. Clarity of intentions. I will bring this up because I have not seen it mentioned. I think a lot
   of people who are dating tend to “play the field” etc., until they find what they are looking
   for. My future wife just seemed to be interested in me. So I always knew that she
   wanted the relationship to progress. We became engaged about a year and 3 months
   after starting to date, and were married about 9 months later.
   
   However, once I asked her what she would have done had I been indecisive, and not
   proposed. Her answer was that “she would have kept right on going” e.g. she would
   have moved on.
   
   Thus, I think we ended up getting married because my wife had some characteristics
   of people that I grew up with in that they play straight with you, and expect the same
   from you. I am not sure I meet that standard; however, I take those kinds of people very
   seriously, and try my best to meet their expectations.

 

[Gertabelle]

When I was looking, I had some idea what I wanted in a wife.

Rejection factors: If I saw this, I pressed the EJECT button and opened my parachute.

• narcissism
• addictions - shopping, gambling, smoking, drug use, etc.
• Marxism
• negative opinion about marriage
• negative opinion about children
• negative opinion about religions
• money grubbing
• luxury living

I absolutely love your rejection list!

I thought about starting a thread on that topic – “Deal breakers when looking for a wife/husband” – but feared it might get ugly

God bless you!

Gertie

 

[chevalier]

JamalChristophr asked the ladies for our opinions. Now I’m asking the men. :curtsey: (Do men even think in terms of “the list” the way people say women do?)

So men, if you’re single, what’s important to you in your future wife?

And married men, if you were giving advice to an unmarried man, what would you tell him to seek in his future bride?

Quite frankly, I’m curious

Gertie

Sigh. Any list I come up with can be turned upside down by life at will, and if you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans… So I’m skeptical. But anyway:

– mature believer, or immature but ardent… I guess this is called ‘woman of faith’
– acting like a good person
– kind and polite (not necessarily versed in manners or etiquette, this isn’t about the rules, it’s about the attitude)
– bright, open mind (not necessarily high IQ or education; then again, highly educated not-so-bright types can be cute too)
– good general knowledge, preferably some specific interests in common, but I think it’s possible to have an interesting life together without sharing any particular interests at start
– true to her word and honest in other ways, a sense of justice would be welcome
– honourable (yes, it applies to women too)
– attractive & appealing to me (which isn’t always the prettiest girl in a convential sense)
– won’t let it go several months or years after the wedding or after having children
– won’t put me on the back burner when children arrive

The last two mean someone who actually wants to keep ‘that loving feeling’ , which, I believe, only goes away if you don’t want to stay. Some who wants to be loved, or at least can accept it. Not someone who wants feelings to get out of her way so that they don’t interfere with life. This does include not switching the charm off — which is probably easier to do if one’s a charming person to begin with.

 

[Xantippe]

– won’t put me on the back burner when children arrive

Sometimes, it is necessary to prioritize children. Not all the time, but some of the time (for instance with newborns or illness or serious problems) . And fathers (and mothers) need to be able to accept that it isn’t always about them and that they have to think about the common good.

I have to mention this, because there are men that are jealous of newborn babies.

babycenter.com/404_as-a-new-dad-how-can-i-get-over-my-jealousy-toward-my-new-ba_3568.bc

Funny thing is, there are also women that are jealous of the love their husbands lavish on the baby:

cnn.com/2012/05/10/living/jealous-of-the-baby/

 

[chevalier]

Sometimes, it is necessary to prioritize children. Not all the time, but some of the time (for instance with newborns or illness or serious problems) . And fathers (and mothers) need to be able to accept that it isn’t always about them and that they have to think about the common good.

I have to mention this, because there are men that are jealous of newborn babies.

babycenter.com/404_as-a-new-dad-how-can-i-get-over-my-jealousy-toward-my-new-ba_3568.bc

Funny thing is, there are also women that are jealous of the love their husbands lavish on the baby:

cnn.com/2012/05/10/living/jealous-of-the-baby/

I skipped a disclaimer about that for the sake of brevity.

 

[Gertabelle]

Sigh. Any list I come up with can be turned upside down by life at will, and if you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans… So I’m skeptical. But anyway:

– mature believer, or immature but ardent… I guess this is called ‘woman of faith’
– acting like a good person
– kind and polite (not necessarily versed in manners or etiquette, this isn’t about the rules, it’s about the attitude)
– bright, open mind (not necessarily high IQ or education; then again, highly educated not-so-bright types can be cute too)
– good general knowledge, preferably some specific interests in common, but I think it’s possible to have an interesting life together without sharing any particular interests at start
– true to her word and honest in other ways, a sense of justice would be welcome
– honourable (yes, it applies to women too)
– attractive & appealing to me (which isn’t always the prettiest girl in a convential sense)
– won’t let it go several months or years after the wedding or after having children
– won’t put me on the back burner when children arrive

The last two mean someone who actually wants to keep ‘that loving feeling’ , which, I believe, only goes away if you don’t want to stay. Some who wants to be loved, or at least can accept it. Not someone who wants feelings to get out of her way so that they don’t interfere with life. This does include not switching the charm off — which is probably easier to do if one’s a charming person to begin with.

Very down-to-earth list. I agree that lists are not much use in many ways. As you say, God gets a good laugh out of our plans sometimes. But if we make our lists so broad as to leave open ALL possibilities, well, it would read something like this:

Female
Eligible for sacramental marriage

A good start, I suppose, but I would think we need to know ourselves a bit more in order to create a slightly more specific list. Perhaps the act of making a list could help younger folks (and those of us who are stubborn old curmudgeons) grow a little by the very act of being forced to not be too specific, but not too general either.


Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Gertie

 

[DaveBj]

snip

On a more serious note, advice to those who are not afraid to admit a (perhaps shallow) criterion based on her looks.

Take a good look at her mother. Because that is who you will be waking up next to in 30 years.

tee
Who thinks his mother-in-law is beautiful.
​

I don’t really have anything to add to the comprehensive lists that have already been presented, but I do want to comment on ^^^:

This goes farther than looks. For one example, if your childhood experience involved having a mother and father who got up early, made breakfast together, and ate together, but your prospective mate grew up in a household where the husband and the kids fended for themselves for breakfast while Mom slept in every morning, then you are likely to be very disappointed if you marry the girl.

My wife considered her own mother (now deceased) to have been an unpleasant person, but the older we get, the more like her mother she becomes.​

 

[chevalier]

convential

• Conventional.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I have some standards for physical attraction in someone I get along with…

But to consider marriage, I have to remember that in today’s world, the moral force that holds a woman to her vows rests resides almost solely within her. So there are two things I look for:

The examples she got from her parents, older siblings and extended family and the lessons she learned from those examples.

Her ability to respect me and show me that respect on my level. Without this, nothing else matters so I won’t bother to list it here. Most critically, is she the kind of person who will run when she’s had enough of the reverses her husband goes through or is she the kind of person who will dig her heels in and help to keep the marriage going in spite of the forces buffeting her husband?

 

[underacloud]

Do men even think in terms of “the list” the way people say women do?

I would say generally no.

And I would say that most of what we find attractive in each other is - at least initially - processed in our uncounscious and preconscious minds. This is true for both men and women, although the various unconscious and preconscious factors may differ.

I could give a nice list of 10 wonderful qualities of my wife, but I’d just be pretending that they were more important (at least initially) than whether I found her physically attractive and had a good personality.

So here’s the first few on my list:

1. I found her physically attractive. (you may now call me shallow…or realistic…whichever your prefer)
2. She has a great personality and we “clicked”.
3. She is not a smoker, or has any other habits which I could never get past. (no offense to any smokers here, but I would never date one).
4. We met at a church activity, so that was an encouraging footing. And she did/does practise and hold to the faith.
5. to 10)…I think you sort of work out the rest as you go, and different issues will be more or less prominent in different relationships. But in general, they would include things like respect, honesty, how she interacts with her family and friends, how she deals with your family and friends, her attitude to money, her attitude to people less well-off, her willingness to adapt to things, that you share similar life goals or are at least open to compromise as a couple, attitudes to chastity. And then…sooner or later…how you two fight! Is it fair, constructive, and restrained, or does it degenerate.

 

[chevalier]

(Do men even think in terms of “the list” the way people say women do?)

Somehow the parenthesis eluded me. Nope, I don’t. I could go on for a couple of minutes about what ‘my type’ probably is, except I’m open-minded and actually enjoy being surprised. Besides, I’m skeptical about types etc. but you already know this.

I do have something similar to a checklist, though, and that’s the detailed points of marriage validity as per canon law, i.e. as a minimum no exclusion of offspring, indissolubility or exclusivity, no lack of understanding of obligations exchanged, no psychic incapacity etc. But it normally goes a bit further than the bare minimum, because I don’t really want to have a dubious case. This is hardly a wife checklist, as it simply reflects the mere ability to marry validly, where the enhanced level of detail, so to say, reflects the fact I’m more familiar than most people with canon law.

For the sake of honesty, appearance (not only visual, e.g. pronunciation did it at least once, grammar and punctuation also contribute) can indeed be a deal-breaker in some situations — the rare two or three qualities I can’t overcome being repulsed by in a romantic context, though they don’t matter much in friendship — but that’s because of something else than judgement, not being good enough etc., it’s simply how falling in love works. However, there’s no checklist for this sort of thing.

‘The ideal’ is not a series of ticks on a checklist, it’s more of a nebulous image of a person, purposely void of identifying features. The list I gave you was just 10 qualities of that cloudy image.

 

[Gertabelle]

Underacloud and Chevalier, thanks for commenting on “the list.”

I’m 47 now, and thanks be to God I don’t think the way I did when I was in my 20s.

Back when I was in college (before I embarked upon my 10-year foray into the GLBTT world), I remember my girlfriends and I would talk about what we wanted in a husband. To be honest, our lists were pretty superficial, but we were a fairly immature group.

These days, I don’t really think in terms of a list of “ideals” as I did in my younger, immature days. Instead, I have a couple non-negotiables:

1. Practicing Catholic
2. Eligible for sacramental marriage

Even with that short list, my secular friends say I’m too picky!

But my short list doesn’t mean that I’ll run into the arms of any Catholic man who is eligible for sacramental marriage! It just means that if a man meets the short list, I’m open to meet for coffee and get to know a brother in Christ. And to be honest, at my parish, the only men who meet 1 and 2 are young enough to be my sons…

Now, if I’m gonna think in terms of “ideals,” the fiance of a friend of mine gave me a new one. He lets her go ahead of him to receive Holy Communion, and in the confession line, because he say, “Go before me into safety, behind me into danger.” Makes my heart all fluttery because he means it

Romance aside, it’s really up to Our Lord anyway. It’s my job to just keep the door open and get the jobs done that are assigned to me by my state in life.

God bless you! May the Holy Family help you establish a family on earth that gives glory to God and brings you all safely to heaven!

Gertie

 

[tee_eff_em]

This goes farther than looks. For one example, if your childhood experience involved having a mother and father who got up early, made breakfast together, and ate together, but your prospective mate grew up in a household where the husband and the kids fended for themselves for breakfast while Mom slept in every morning, then you are likely to be very disappointed if you marry the girl.

Absolutely. Thanks for making this explicit.

tee
Who still loves his mother-in-law

 

[marymary1975]

1. 
   

   A fine question
   

   1. Someone who is kind AKA has a good alsot, and who lives like they do. All the rosaries, knowledge of doctrines, etc., are 100% meaningless if the person leaves their faith at the church door on the way out. In fact, I don’t even think “knowledge of doctrines” is even #476 in my list,
   2. Someone with a strong sense of morality, particularly sexual morality and honesty. Someone who knows that lying is not a good thing.
   3. Someone who will be an equal partner, and a good mom.
   4. Someone with intelligence and common sense.
   5. Someone who can function without a man, i.e., not totally reliant on a man for financial, emotional or physical support. Someone who can take care of themselves
      ?

   I also asked my husband and he gave me these exact ones given by Polar guy. He alsi added someone who, when an issue arises, has the willingness to resolve the issue and the capacity to negotiate things through the issue; someone who has a happy outlook on life; someone who is willing to work together. He didn’t exactly said handling money responsibly exactly but did say someone who is willing to work over any financial issues and ha dle finances responsibly; and he said someone who has potential to grow in all areas and help him grow on all areas. Finally he said someone who treats others with respect and in a good way, and that it has good relationships generally speaking with friends and family (his reasoning here is that the way someone treats others would give a hint of how that person would treat him in the future).
   
   Finally while he said that physical attraction is good to him it wasn’t decisive. Granted he thought I was attractive but he always was more interested in personality.
   
   Oh and he also said someone who did not emasculate him. This one came out as a surprise to me LOL. And I agree with pensmama. This prompted a very interested conversation with hubby so I think it was a great question

 

[pensmama87]

And I agree with pensmama. This prompted a very interested conversation with hubby so I think it was a great question

You know, it was interesting, because as we were talking DH also said that really he was open to at least getting to know any woman, really, but as far as a “list” it really was negative stuff that would take her out of the running - all pretty normal red flag stuff, plus habits and such he just couldn’t stand (another poster mentioned smoking - that would have been a dealbreaker for DH, too). So some of the things he came up with were by inverting the “negatives.”

 

[Bataar]

It’s probably a character flaw of mine, but I’ll go out and admit that physical attractiveness would probably be the number one thing. And that goes back to the very beginning stage of the process. Let’s be honest, you don’t “choose” a wife as the thread title implies. You meet someone and develop a relationship with them and if things progress, you’ll ultimately marry them.

The reason I choose physical attractiveness as the most important is that if a woman is not attractive to me (I’m not talking super model looks or anything like that. I’ve seen super models I found unattractive and heavier women that I did find attractive). If there’s no physical attraction, I would never approach a woman to even ask out for a first date.