Girlfriend had sex with ex while getting to know me

[Mj0770]

There still seems to be some confusion on the situation. We only exchanged emails for a few days before we met in person. We then began a real face to face relationship. So basically while we were still exchanging email but still a few days before we met face to face, she flew across the country to hook up with an ex one last time

 

[PatriceA]

There still seems to be some confusion on the situation. We only exchanged emails for a few days before we met in person. We then began a real face to face relationship. So basically while we were still exchanging email but still a few days before we met face to face, she flew across the country to hook up with an ex one last time

What it ultimately comes down to is how important is it to you when the encounter with the ex occurred. You’ve gotten different opinions on if it is a deal breaker or not. For some it would be, for others since it occurred before you met face to face, it wouldn’t be. It might come down to that you and your girlfriend have very different values on pre-marital sex. You have to decide what is important to you and what you want in a future spouse.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…

The first thing you need to understand about on-line dating (even if you are on a Christian/Catholic site) is that it is a hotbed for all kinds of scandals.

I did on-line dating off and on for about 12 years. Met a lot of strange people to say the least.

It may help to know that your scenario is not uncommon. People, especially women, will talk to more than one guy at a time, even date more than one guy at a time. I also did this with women simply to save time and money.

What’s not entirely clear here is did she sleep with another man while you were together, and if you haven’t had some kind of meaningful discussion as to whether or not you are seeing each other exclusively, then frankly, seeing someone else is fair game. I’m assuming you are not in a relationship because you mention first date.

And if you have not had that discussion, now is the time to have it.

Being this is a Catholic site, having premartial sex isn’t a good thing and is a grave matter. :tsktsk:

The problem I have with this situation is that she wasn’t honest with you up-front. Lying is kind of big problem with on-line dating.

But I think if you really want to be with this woman, you’ve got to get past it. And if you do meet other women, don’t be surprised if they are talking with other men at the same time they are talking to you.

In my own experience, I’ve learned that you cannot give a great deal of latitude with on-line dating. You’ve got to be firm and let women know you won’t stand for any nonsense. I’m a younger person, and lot of the girls I dated were 18-24. Some of these girls like to add a bunch of guys to facebook and what-not and talk there, and when things broke down between us, I think a few of them were surprised that a guy (me) would actually block them…The point is I think some women are more than happy to play around on-line for months even years before considering settling, so be wary of that as well.

I don’t see a huge problem with you meeting her and having a date only because you two have not met and I would assume are not exclusive (some people will make this jump without even meeting) but if the lying persists or if she can’t let go of her ex, it’s time to pull the plug.

Just don’t be afraid to be skeptical.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The first thing you need to understand about on-line dating (even if you are on a Christian/Catholic site) is that it is a hotbed for all kinds of scandals.

I did on-line dating off and on for about 12 years. Met a lot of strange people to say the least.

It may help to know that your scenario is not uncommon. People, especially women, will talk to more than one guy at a time, even date more than one guy at a time. I also did this with women simply to save time and money.

What’s not entirely clear here is did she sleep with another man while you were together, and if you haven’t had some kind of meaningful discussion as to whether or not you are seeing each other exclusively, then frankly, seeing someone else is fair game. I’m assuming you are not in a relationship because you mention first date.

And if you have not had that discussion, now is the time to have it.

Being this is a Catholic site, having premartial sex isn’t a good thing and is a grave matter. :tsktsk:

The problem I have with this situation is that she wasn’t honest with you up-front. Lying is kind of big problem with on-line dating.

But I think if you really want to be with this woman, you’ve got to get past it. And if you do meet other women, don’t be surprised if they are talking with other men at the same time they are talking to you.

In my own experience, I’ve learned that you cannot give a great deal of latitude with on-line dating. You’ve got to be firm and let women know you won’t stand for any nonsense. I’m a younger person, and lot of the girls I dated were 18-24. Some of these girls like to add a bunch of guys to facebook and what-not and talk there, and when things broke down between us, I think a few of them were surprised that a guy (me) would actually block them…The point is I think some women are more than happy to play around on-line for months even years before considering settling, so be wary of that as well.

I don’t see a huge problem with you meeting her and having a date only because you two have not met and I would assume are not exclusive (some people will make this jump without even meeting) but if the lying persists or if she can’t let go of her ex, it’s time to pull the plug.

Just don’t be afraid to be skeptical.

My soon to be husband and I met via online dating, we were in our early 20’s at the time. I only messaged a few guys, but I got tons of messages, and I replied to most of the normal ones who seemed like we would have something in common. My fiance would send out 5 or 6 messages at a time and hope to get one back (it’s harder for guys online). Well, I was in one of his rounds of messages, but this time he got two back. He talked to both of us, set up a date with her and one with me the next night. At the end of their date they scheduled a second. But when he went out with me the next night he knew we had something, so he called off his second date with the other girl and pursued me. Of course I didn’t know about this until a few months later.

I had another date with another guy scheduled for a couple days after I went out with FH. It was a bust and at that point I closed my profile and decided that at least for now I had someone I wanted to focus on getting to know.

I don’t think either of us did anything wrong. A message is not a contract and it would have been foolish and time consuming to only talk to one person at a time. The goal of online dating should not be to find a girlfriend or wife, only to meet people for drinks or dinner. Once you’ve spent some time with them you can decide whether or not to make an exclusive relationship a goal. But you should never assume loyalty because you got an email from someone!

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…

Relationships are complicated and your situation is no different. I can’t agree with the large number of posters that have reviewed the facts you’ve provided and say with authority that you need to end your relationship. The big issue that I see is how you describe yourself and your circumstance. You state:

“It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out.”
I really never want to be in a relationship where I find my self demanding the truth. Why did you have to demand anything? Why weren’t her initial statements not sufficient and/or why did you care?

“Now two months later it is still torturing my mind…”
You wrote that she apologized, you never indicated that you forgave her. It doesn’t appear that you have accepted her apology and forgiven her. You have to forgive her for her lies, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with her. It seems that you get some satisfaction from keeping her in limbo or you have some leverage over her. Why does her pain/discomfort serve you? You might want to speak to a priest and/or really review the Church’s teaching on forgiveness. Anger, pride, jealousy are likely not where you should be.

“If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her.”
Long term??? What??? You’ve only known her for a few months. Clearly you view her as a very flawed person and have maintained a list of her faults. This is sorta like an NFL coach, after losing a game in week 1 of the season saying that they have no doubt they will win the Super Bowl. (I apologize if I am making light of your angst but I feel I’m being truthful.)

I admire that you are willing to put this “out there” and I do sense that you realize that this isn’t how you want to be in a relationship. Who knows, maybe this gal is absolutely who you should be with, maybe not.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

And Sillara, the truth is that no one has the right to absolutely every piece of information about someone’s past. Even spouses. It’s between individuals and God.

I’ve seen these posted numerous times on the forum, and I find this interesting. I’ve been married twice, and in both cases, my spouses and I have told each other whatever the other wanted to know. Granted, I’m not a mind reader, so there are things that I might not have been told, but given the gravity of things discussed, I simply could not imagine much being hidden.

However, where a couple is in a relationship will determine the type of information exchanged. That’s why I had suggested extremely generic questions earlier. One should not exchange very personal information early in the relationship, but the boundaries must be set, including what issues are deal-killers. Engaged couples can share more personal information. I’m of the opinion married couples should share everything, if asked, simply because it’s a matter of trust. If one can’t trust their spouse, I would find it hard to believe they could trust anyone.

 

[The_Bucket]

Well sure spouses should share it if asked, but why should they ask if it’s not relevant? I didn’t ask my wife if she kissed a lot of guys before we dated. I never even asked if she was a virgin. I fairly well assumed it, but I didn’t ask. It was not my business. I knew what kind of person she was and I knew that if something did happen that she was probably very ashamed and took it to the confessional. Why is that not good enough for me?

Why is “being a virgin” a dealbreaker for anybody?! I was a virgin on my wedding night. I also had a pretty extensive history of unchastity with myself. I agreed with the Church’s teaching about pornography… but that didn’t keep me from watching it. And eventually it grew to addictive levels. Isn’t that a bit more important than if someone slept with a long-term significant other or made a mistake one night and then repented?

What should matter is one’s view of chastity. The past is indeed the past. That’s why there is the sacrament of Reconciliation. I’m not blind to the temporal consequences of sexual sin, but people can and do change. And good people can made terrible errors. Give me someone who made an error or two and repented over the kind of virgin I was any day.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I don’t think either of us did anything wrong. A message is not a contract and it would have been foolish and time consuming to only talk to one person at a time. The goal of online dating should not be to find a girlfriend or wife, only to meet people for drinks or dinner. Once you’ve spent some time with them you can decide whether or not to make an exclusive relationship a goal. But you should never assume loyalty because you got an email from someone!

I completely agree. There was even one guy who was asking if a woman who just looked at his profile meant she was interested in him.

Living by the good rule there are no dumb questions, my response to that was that I’ve clicked a profile or two by accident or without much thought and even mistakenly sent a message.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

What should matter is one’s view of chastity. The past is indeed the past.

I agree to an extent. Marriage is different from forgiveness. We are obligated to forgive, but we are not obligated to marry someone.

With my own (2nd) wife, there were things in the past that were cause for concern. However, they happened over a decade prior to me dating her, and she was horrified of them. She had confessed these sins years ago, and the past was indeed the past.

If it happened a month or two ago while she was considering dating me that would’ve been a different story. In that case, the past is not the past, but rather the present. And it is also an issue of basic trust. Forgiveness? Yes. Marriage? No. Or maybe a reconsideration in 10 years after a change in behavior. In the meantime, there are just too many other people in the world that I could consider dating.

I am stern in my opinion simply because I ignored the warning signs up to and during my first marriage. I don’t want others to ignore those warning signs, because getting married, divorced, sitting before a Tribunal, etc. just flat out sucks.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

There are some red flags, namely:
-she has demonstrated that she is open to intercourse with a person who she is not married to
-she has demonstrated dishonesty

I agree that forgiveness is an essential part of the Christian walk as none of us is perfect and we need to forgive to be forgiven ourselves. HOWEVER, that does NOT mean you have to allow a person back into your life who has demonstrated some moral failings that are concerning to you.

I also strongly disagree that a person’s past doesn’t matter. There are SEVERAL reasons a sexual past matters:
-demonstrates the ability to sleep with a non-spouse
-risk for STIs (such a HPV which pretty much most sexually active people who have had more than 1 partner can acquire and easily pass around)
-sexual relationships create “soul ties” (ie becoming one flesh)
-demonstrates willingness to put another’s soul in mortal jeopardy, the total opposite of Christian love
-chastity continues to be required in marriage. If someone can’t demonstrate it before marriage what makes them sure they can keep it after vows are exchanged?
-etc

If I was a man, she would not be wife material FOR ME. Let me say that again–for ME. You have to decide what your standards are and stick to that. For some reason, we are told that chastity is unreasonable and shouldn’t be expected. We should accept people with a past. I staunchly disagree. You should marry someone that you think you have the best chance of getting to heaven and vice versa. Marriage shouldn’t be a struggle. If you’re already in anguish over something she did BEFORE you two were even a couple, that’s a huge problem.

Ask yourself if you think this woman is God’s best for YOU. Because really, that’s what God wants to do for us in marriage. He will not send you a perfect person. But He wants to send you someone who is perfect for YOU. If sleeping with her ex/having a one night stand is not something that you envision as an ideal wife trait, you are entitled to that feeling. However, I would say break it off ASAP. Delaying it will just make it harder for you in the long run.

My position may seem tough. But sexual sin is REALLY devastating and difficult to get out of. I think people who have not demonstrated chastity prior to marriage (whether engaging in pre-marital sex, masturbation, porn, etc) will continue to struggle valiantly against the flesh worse than those who remained chaste. You have to commit to a total lifestyle change (ie not watching certain movies or shows, not reading certain books, not engaging in certain conversations, staying ENGULFED in the sacraments, etc). It is a very difficult path and few choose it. I’m digressing but I would say RUN.

 

[dedo]

I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…

When relationships end it is messy more often than not. At the point that this woman visited her boyfriend, she owed you nothing. You had not even met.

What concerns me most about this situation is your "anger, jealousy, and need to interrogate someone.

I read somewhere that but for the people we meet and the books we read we will be the same 5 years from now as we are today.

So I suggest working on your own personal development. Read something, or associate with people who can help you grow and maybe push you a little bit. For me, that is a lifetime pursuit.

Your relationships will depend on how you treat people. The more confident you are with yourself, the better you will treat others.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

When relationships end it is messy more often than not. At the point that this woman visited her boyfriend, she owed you nothing. You had not even met.

I have to admit, I am amazed that people think its okay to go sleeping around with others why contacting someone to decide if they should date. Fact is, such a person is not ready to date.

What concerns me most about this situation is your "anger, jealousy, and need to interrogate someone.

I’d be angry, jealous, and interrogate someone if I suspected they were sleeping around while they were considering dating me. And if the person didn’t answer, that’s fine. They’d also be gone from my life in an instant.

I read somewhere that but for the people we meet and the books we read we will be the same 5 years from now as we are today.

That’s partially true because people are lazy. People that want to change can change. I can use myself as an example. Even my wife is amazed.

Your relationships will depend on how you treat people.

Exactly. What type of relationship do you think people that sleep around with people while considering dating others will end up in?

 

[dedo]

There was nothing in the OP’s initial description that suggested either that the girl was “sleeping around” or that the OP was a virgin himself.

The message that I see most clearly in this thread is that if someone is the self-righteous, controlling, brooding, judging type, then run.

Of course, if the people doing the judging are all getting awards in their communities for selfless community service, building children’s hospitals, etc., and living stain free lives then I am clearly in error.

Otherwise, I stand by every word.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

There was nothing in the OP’s initial description that suggested either that the girl was “sleeping around” or that the OP was a virgin himself.

False. As a refresher:

But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him.

RE:

The message that I see most clearly in this thread is that if someone is the self-righteous, controlling, brooding, judging type, then run.

Of course, if the people doing the judging are all getting awards in their communities for selfless community service, building children’s hospitals, etc., and living stain free lives then I am clearly in error.

My message is that if you wish to marry and have a stable relationship, don’t ignore the warning signs. In particular, don’t ignore trust and morality issues. Otherwise you might end up in a divorce, like I did.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

False. As a refresher:

RE:

My message is that if you wish to marry and have a stable relationship, don’t ignore the warning signs. In particular, don’t ignore trust and morality issues. Otherwise you might end up in a divorce, like I did.

Still not sure where you’re getting “sleeping around” or that the OP himself is a virgin.

And really, she did not violate his trust because she didn’t know him. Are you seriously suggesting that when you decide to message someone via online dating sites you should act as though you are in a committed relationship with them?

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s not the only way, but I take your point. After a certain amount of prying takes place, it’s easier to lie to get the person to be quiet instead of repeating “let’s not discuss it” or “you have no right to ask.”

And Sillara, the truth is that no one has the right to absolutely every piece of information about someone’s past. Even spouses. It’s between individuals and God. There’s no such thing as an “indelible mark of sin” from sexual or other sin. There are only a few things that leave indelible marks on people’s souls and they’re sacraments (baptism, confirmation, holy orders).

Now of course patterns of behavior can presage the future and sexual activity can bring its own consequences in the form of physical illness or psychological/emotional trauma, but there’s nothing inherent about sexual sin that can’t be wiped clean with a simple trip to the confessional.

Do folks in relationships deserve to know if the other is being faithful? Sure. Do they have the right to know about every sexual experience of the past? No. Especially if it’s not relevant to their present. There’s a huge difference between someone who slept with a boyfriend or got drunk and made a mistake and someone who is a full-blown sex addict. Might want to disclose the latter one. The former? Leave it in the confessional.

***Can. 1098 *A person contracts invalidly who enters into a marriage deceived by malice, perpetrated to obtain consent, concerning some quality of the other partner which by its very nature can gravely disturb the partnership of conjugal life.

You do not get to decide what aspects of your past are and are not “pertinent” or “relevant” to your future spouse. Your future spouse does. If he or she does not want to know about your past…fine. There was no deceit where there is permission given to keep information private. If, OTOH, you withhold information about yourself from someone you intend to marry because you think your intended would be less likely to marry you if they knew, and if you do so without their permission, that willful withholding of pertinent information about yourself is deceit. Deceive your partner about that kind of information, and the marriage will be invalid. That’s how serious that kind of deception is!

What you and others here are implying is that people have a right to deceive a person they want to marry, both by omission and by actively lying to them about the past. That is simply not true. If it is deal-breaker that the person wanting you to marry them wants to know, then fine: no deal. Marry someone who will let you have your privacy about your past, you’re good. If there is to be a marriage contract, however, both parties have the right to decide what information must be disclosed. No one has the right to unilaterally decide that they can keep skeletons in their closet and then lie about them. I also have to wonder about the contrition of someone who is unwilling to admit that their past sins have temporal results that carry on past the absolution of the sins. Just being forgiven for breaking a window does not replace the glass. If you think it does, you need to review your catechism.

 

[EasterJoy]

Still not sure where you’re getting “sleeping around” or that the OP himself is a virgin.

And really, she did not violate his trust because she didn’t know him. Are you seriously suggesting that when you decide to message someone via online dating sites you should act as though you are in a committed relationship with them?

You should act as if you know that moral law forbids sex outside of marriage, yes. Fornication violates the trust of the person we will later marry, not to mention the trust of God. When a Catholic does it, it provides a bad example for other Catholics, which also tempts them into also adopting a malformed conscience. This is elementary. That any Catholic thinks differently makes me wonder if someone has not swallowed this nonsense about people “owning their own bodies”.

“The sense of ownership in general is always to be encouraged. The humans are always putting up claims to ownership which sound equally funny in Heaven and in Hell and we must keep them doing so. Much of the modern resistance to chastity comes from men’s belief that they “own” their bodies - those vast and perilous estates, pulsating with the energy that made the worlds, in which they find themselves without their consent and from which they are ejected at the pleasure of Another! It is as if a royal child whom his father has placed, for love’s sake, in titular command of some great province, under the real rule of wise counselors, should come to fancy he really owns the cities, the forests, and the corn, in the same way as he owns the bricks on the nursery floor.” C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, Letter 21

You’ve never had ownership of your own body, but you officially acknowledged this at baptism and reaffirm it every Easter season when you repeat your baptismal vows. Let’s not pretend those are meaningless exercises or meaningless promises.

 

[EasterJoy]

I met my current girlfriend on an online dating site. I’m 34 years old and joined the site sincerely looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. I met a amazing woman and we fell for each other so hard. But just three months into the relationship I found out that while she and I were exchanging emails (but before we had met in person) she had flown out of state to see her ex boyfriend (whom she had not seen in six months and had lost her virginity to one year prior) and had sex with him. The truth did not come out at once. First I saw pictures of her (alone) in California. Then the lies untruths started “the trip was in November before we met” “I went to see a friend” “I didn’t have sex with him”. It wasn’t until I demanded the truth that the truth finally came out. I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not. She has treated me so well otherwise and is trying so hard to make the relationship work. But I have so much pride, anger and jealousy built up that I feel I can’t go on. It seems like such a terrible foundation on which to build a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. The day after she had sex with him and flew back to New York, she sent me an email to set up our first date. If it wasn’t for this one transgression I have no doubt that I could make things work long term with her. She is otherwise everything I always wanted.
Please, I need advice and feel I can’t go to my friends or family for fear of making her look bad…

A single lie episode of lying does not a liar make. St. Peter lied to save his own skin, but his repentance and his devotion to the Lord was real, in spite of that deep and very real betrayal. A pattern of lying to avoid “bad scenes”, however, should *never *be ignored, especially since you know that these lies come in colors far deeper than white.

What you ought to ask yourself is whether or not the woman you are dating has conducted herself during your courtship as if she believes that sexual purity is a serious and non-negotiable obligation, whether married or not. If she does hold that core belief, a belief only proven to her by the suffering she felt after her foolish abandonment of it, then if you can accept her repentance, you ought to let go of punishing her for her past. If, OTOH, you do not trust her purity or her truthfulness without reservation, do not marry her. Let her marry someone else.

Having said that, it is difficult to extricate oneself from a prior sexual relationship, even a bad one, and falling when one had no intention of doing so is embarrassing and humiliating in the extreme. Neither her fall or her subsequent lies are something that a usually-upright person might not do. If you think she’ll be straight with you from now on, I wouldn’t automatically brand her as a woman without a mature grip on her own moral choices, as if she had a string of one-night stands in her immediate past.

Before you marry her, though, get to know her friends and family, and get a sense of whether the group ethos includes the same definition of integrity as you have, but especially a sense of the group’s opinion of her integrity. What you hear from them is probably what you’ll get from her.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Still not sure where you’re getting “sleeping around” or that the OP himself is a virgin.

Actually, I never stated either, so I have no idea why people would associate that with anything I posted. It is fact that the the woman considering and contacting a person she considered dating slept with her ex-boyfriend during that time period.

And really, she did not violate his trust because she didn’t know him. Are you seriously suggesting that when you decide to message someone via online dating sites you should act as though you are in a committed relationship with them?

No. However, if that person contacted me and was sleeping with anyone else at that very same time, I would not date them. Period. There is such a thing as respect and common decency. If someone wants to play the field, fine; I just wouldn’t be one of the players in that field.

That is of course my opinion. Obviously, others see no problem with their potential boyfriend/girlfriend sleeping around with others during their initial contact. Sorry, folks, but that is a major red flag.

 

[EasterJoy]

When relationships end it is messy more often than not. At the point that this woman visited her boyfriend, she owed you nothing. You had not even met.

What concerns me most about this situation is your "anger, jealousy, and need to interrogate someone.

I read somewhere that but for the people we meet and the books we read we will be the same 5 years from now as we are today.

So I suggest working on your own personal development. Read something, or associate with people who can help you grow and maybe push you a little bit. For me, that is a lifetime pursuit.

Your relationships will depend on how you treat people. The more confident you are with yourself, the better you will treat others.

When someone finds out that they’re dating someone who was having sex with someone else while arranging to start dating them, and that they’ve lied to cover their tracks afterwards, it is *entirely natural *that they will feel angry about that. It was a violation of a realistic expectation, that is, the expectation that someone who says she is free to pursue a relationship actually is unencumbered, or at least that she’d clear up any discrepancy between what she’s been doing and what the other person might reasonably assume she’s been doing. Of course the fellow might feel angry about it! You’d kind of have to wonder about him if the combination of the revelation and what he had to go through in order to reach the truth didn’t bother him!

The more I think about this, the more I’d consider the woman “red-flagged”. Maybe not a deal-breaker, but she’s definitely on triple probation. He really needs to confirm to himself that this terrible string of decisions was a one-time bout with idiocy, he really does. It might be a one-time thing, though. Since she lost her virginity to the old boyfriend, though, it is entirely possible that this was indeed a one-time violation of what was otherwise a long history of self-control and integrity. Let us hope that the “lost her virginity” thing was not part of the cover-up of behavior she didn’t want to admit. The OP should ask her to come entirely clean, including whether or not she really meant that she was a virgin prior to the last boyfriend. Not being a virgin is not a deal-breaker, but passing up a chance to come clean and continuing to lie about whether the last boyfriend was the only sexual partner in her past would be. She has to be on the up-and-up from here on out. No more lying, period!