Girlfriend is tempting me to sleep with her!

[stanley123]

Franz:

What the heck do I do?

Get married.

 

[shannin]

stanley123:

Get married.

Aahhhh, a nice Catholic guy.

Thanks Stanley123.

 

[Franz]

Since you haven’t been chaste and have “done it many times” yourself before marriage then you shouldn’t dump her. Why don’t you just marry her?

I’m not ready to marry this person yet Still too early in our relationship. I’m just starting to lay down the groundwork now, since things are getting heated. As for what I’ve done in the past, I’ve repented sincerely hence my desire to do this right.

All Catholic girls are NOT the same? Not true. I resent your remark.

I should have worded it differently. All the girls I’VE dated are all the same. Sorry for the confusion.

 

[Franz]

shannin:

Dump her.

There are many beautiful, devout, chaste Catholic girls that would appreciate you and treasure your devotion to God and your Catholic faith.

Thanks for the advice, but do you not think in light of what I have said, that rather than tossing her to the curb, maybe God is using me to bring her in line and closer to him?

 

[jrabs]

Franz:

Thanks for the advice, but do you not think in light of what I have said, that rather than tossing her to the curb, maybe God is using me to bring her in line and closer to him?

Possibly…or the enemy is using her to get to you. Who is to say?

 

[shannin]

Franz:

Thanks for the advice, but do you not think in light of what I have said, that rather than tossing her to the curb, maybe God is using me to bring her in line and closer to him?

Sorry. I told you to dump her before you revealed that you yourself were not chaste.

The title of your thread is “Girlfriend is tempting me to sleep with her” I don’t think much of any woman that uses her sexuality to tempt men into grave sin. If she’s that way with you, she must have been that way with other men in her past.

 

[Franz]

shannin:

Sorry. I told you to dump her before you revealed that you yourself were not chaste.

The title of your thread is “Girlfriend is tempting me to sleep with her” I don’t think much of any woman that uses her sexuality to tempt men into grave sin. If she’s that way with you, she must have been that way with other men in her past.

Ya, the title does suggest that she has a gun to my head. It’s more in her words, and her recently telling me not to hold back with if thats how I feel, etc, I put 2 and 2 together. We need to keep talking, and I need to keep driving home my reasons for being chaste, clearly.

 

[Franz]

jrabs:

Possibly…or the enemy is using her to get to you. Who is to say?

ya, who knows. I know that I’m the one thats gone through this personal rebirth so to speak, and he expressed desire to learn more about her faith by the simple fact that she is asking questions, leads me to believe that I am there for a purpose.

 

[1ke]

Franz:

Let me start, by saying that I haven’t been chaste, in fact, I’ve done it many times. I’ve come to appreciate my faith over the last 3 years, and only now have made the committment to Christ, understanding fully what my relationship really means with him.

This is not relevant at all. You make no comments that lead me to believe you are holding this woman’s past against her, nor should you. Neither should your past be at issue, nor should it be held against you or used as a reason to commit sins in the present (you did it then, why won’t you do it now… that’s not a valid argument).

It’s the present that remains the problem.

You now understand the grave nature of relations outside of marriage. She does not share this veiw. THAT is the problem.

Franz:

Although my head tells me no, my body tells me yes, and I get pulled in different directions.

Of course it does. That is why you must take care. Do not spend alone time in her home or yours. Go out, meet in groups, share time in situations that will not temp you.

Franz:

That said, I’ve been involved in my church all my life, have dated many Catholic girls, and all are the same. They all are not chaste, and all feel that they need to know sexually, if this person is right for their future.

And, I could say the same for many “Catholic” men I met. But, that doesn’t mean that I was the one in the wrong. Nor did it mean that I should compromise. It just meant I had to search longer and harder, and take the narrow path. They are in the wrong, and you are not.

Franz:

This girl has expressed a desire to learn more about the faith, and to become involved to some degree, however I can tell you that she is asking a lot of questions about her faith given recent events in her life, which to me, seems as if God is pulling her in again. She is not at the same point I am in my journey, but I think she is starting along in her journey none the less, because of what I have just described.

She is not where you are. You have said it. While I think you could be a friend to her, and may have some sort of purpose in her life… romantic involvement at this point in time is NOT it. She is not ready for the type of relationship you desire, and you are not interested in the type she desires. I am sure she has many issues with Church teaching if she is proposing premarital sex. She needs to work through them. You can be a help to her, but she is not a personal project. She must come along at her own pace and her own time.

Again, a romantic involvement is not wise for you with this woman at this time. I highly recommend stopping the relationship now.

You have posted back with a few, “yes, but…” type responses. That does no good-- our answer is the same because we are seeing it as it truly is (without the emotional attachment you have) and you are too busy trying to make it into something it isn’t to see that it is not right for you.

 

[manualman]

In my college days my protestant pals called this concept “Kissing Evangelism.” It’s a pretty bad idea.

It was quite a while ago, but I remember reading sobering info about how often the situation resulted in REVERSE evangelization (<- the catholic word for it). In other words, the conversion went the wrong way. Especially when it was a christian guy dating a worldy girl.

Dump her. It’s only a matter of time before the occasion of sin gets you. Eliminate the occasion. Yup, that’s harsh. But so is mortal sin. Your hormones are gonna get the best of you if you don’t make decisions AWAY from the heat of the moment.

Then find new places to meet people and not just as a meat market. Join a prayer group, pro-life group, etc. Go where the faithful catholics are.

 

[shannin]

manualman:

In my college days my protestant pals called this concept “Kissing Evangelism.” It’s a pretty bad idea.

It was quite a while ago, but I remember reading sobering info about how often the situation resulted in REVERSE evangelization (<- the catholic word for it). In other words, the conversion went the wrong way. Especially when it was a christian guy dating a worldy girl.

Dump her. It’s only a matter of time before the occasion of sin gets you. Eliminate the occasion. Yup, that’s harsh. But so is mortal sin. Your hormones are gonna get the best of you if you don’t make decisions AWAY from the heat of the moment.

Then find new places to meet people and not just as a meat market. Join a prayer group, pro-life group, etc. Go where the faithful catholics are.

Aaaaaahhh - how refreshing. Great advice…like a breath of fresh air.

Another nice Catholic guy Thanks you Manualman.

 

[Franz]

1ke:

This is not relevant at all. You make no comments that lead me to believe you are holding this woman’s past against her, nor should you. Neither should your past be at issue, nor should it be held against you or used as a reason to commit sins in the present (you did it then, why won’t you do it now… that’s not a valid argument).

It’s the present that remains the problem.

You now understand the grave nature of relations outside of marriage. She does not share this veiw. THAT is the problem.

Bang on.

Of course it does. That is why you must take care. Do not spend alone time in her home or yours. Go out, meet in groups, share time in situations that will not temp you.

thats not realistic, inevitably we watch movies at her house, or she comes to mine, etc…but yes, these are the situations where I get tempted. I don’t think running from them is the answer…

And, I could say the same for many “Catholic” men I met. But, that doesn’t mean that I was the one in the wrong. Nor did it mean that I should compromise. It just meant I had to search longer and harder, and take the narrow path. They are in the wrong, and you are not.

agreed

She is not where you are. You have said it. While I think you could be a friend to her, and may have some sort of purpose in her life… romantic involvement at this point in time is NOT it. She is not ready for the type of relationship you desire, and you are not interested in the type she desires. I am sure she has many issues with Church teaching if she is proposing premarital sex. She needs to work through them. You can be a help to her, but she is not a personal project. She must come along at her own pace and her own time.

Again, a romantic involvement is not wise for you with this woman at this time. I highly recommend stopping the relationship now.

You have posted back with a few, “yes, but…” type responses. That does no good-- our answer is the same because we are seeing it as it truly is (without the emotional attachment you have) and you are too busy trying to make it into something it isn’t to see that it is not right for you.

Thinking about it, but thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, very direct and helpful…and to all also. I think I will try to recommunicate things with her, and maybe try being more clear as to my reasons, and then guage how she handles it, before ending things…I just don’t want to act irrational with this, and talking about it here certainly helps.

 

[manualman]

If you can pull that off, I’ll be mightily impressed. Same as if, with no experience, you decided to walk a tighrope between two skyscraper roofs.

For some perspective, when my wife and I were dating we both WERE committed to waiting for marriage. But in those same situations, I’m going to be honest with you here; it was her that preserved it once the temperature started to rise, not me.

If you aren’t already a saint, you’re sailing full speed at the reef.

So ask yourself; Self, am I already a saint???

 

[jrabs]

Franz:

ya, who knows. I know that I’m the one thats gone through this personal rebirth so to speak, and he expressed desire to learn more about her faith by the simple fact that she is asking questions, leads me to believe that I am there for a purpose.

Maybe so…you are also the best candidate to be tested.

 

[1ke]

Franz:

thats not realistic, inevitably we watch movies at her house, or she comes to mine, etc…

It is realistic. You only watch movies at each others homes because you choose to. You want to. But you don’t have to. It is not “inevitable”. You can choose to ask her out to group dates, public dates, dinner dates outside the home, or to invite another couple to watch the movies so you are not alone. You are not choosing to do this, but you should be if temptation is so prevalent when you are alone.

Franz:

but yes, these are the situations where I get tempted. I don’t think running from them is the answer…

Au contraire, mon frere. We are called to avoid near occasions of sin. Look it up in the Catechism. So, yes, “running from it” is the answer-- in the sense of avoiding situations that tempt you beyond your bearing. And, since she is not willing to quit tempting you… you must take care that you are not in situations to be tempted.

Franz:

I think I will try to recommunicate things with her, and maybe try being more clear as to my reasons, and then guage how she handles it, before ending things…I just don’t want to act irrational with this, and talking about it here certainly helps.

That is a logical approach.

 

[Lady_Cygnus]

Franz:

thats not realistic, inevitably we watch movies at her house, or she comes to mine, etc…but yes, these are the situations where I get tempted. I don’t think running from them is the answer…

There is no shame in running in occasions such as these. If you were being tempted drive up a mountain road in an ice storm for the thrills, you would have no second thoughts about saying “No thanks” right? You would probably separate yourself from anyone who insisted that you risk your life for a cheap thrill.

You are playing rusian roulette with your soul…do you really want to risk it?

There is so much else you can do that doesn’t involve sitting in the dark alone together (dancing/walks in the park/bible studies/ice skating/church outings/daily mass/adoration/etc). If you simply must watch a movie, how about going out to the theater, or inviting a group over?

The idea is to NOT stick your hand in the fire. If you have, pulling it out isn’t being cowardly, it’s having common sense!

 

[Ani_Ibi]

Franze:

1. Actions speak louder than words. For heavens sake, don’t try talking to her about not having sex. It sounds like she is much better at talking than you are and she will only talk you into bed. If you want to continue seeing her, then make yourself available only inside groups of people, and pursue daytime activities.
2. You can’t change her. She has showed you her values. You can’t change them. Every morning stand in front of the mirror and say ten times: I can’t change women.
3. Marriage is a job, not a day at the circus. Make a job description for the Catholic wife that you want. You can’t take a woman – any woman – and then build a job around her. Forget about appearance. What job do you want done? What skills and experience are necessary to do that job? What values does she need to have? Then interview as many women as you can until you find one who has the correct qualities. Then move heaven and earth to marry her.
4. You are settling for less than what God wants for you.
5. Franze, you are a young man. Don’t panic.
6. When all else fails, remember that actions speak louder than words: dump her. If she really loves you in an unselfish way, then she will find some way to come back to you and she will find some way to make herself into a good wife for you. If her love was narcissistic and selfish, she will never see the error of her ways, and you are well rid of her.
7. There has to be a captain at the head of this ship. And it can’t be her. You are in a power struggle which will only get worse unless she comes to her senses. Who is in charge here?

God bless.

 

[Daniel_Marsh]

Franz this is a no brainer, run man run.

If you lose her, you lose her.

If you sleep with her before marriage, then you are planting seeds of distrust.

 

[jrabs]

Franz:

thats not realistic, inevitably we watch movies at her house, or she comes to mine, etc…but yes, these are the situations where I get tempted. I don’t think running from them is the answer…

What? Being alone with her is the only way you can date?

You are called to avoid the near occasion of sin and to think you can conquer this head on is lending oneself to being prideful.

You seem to have a few excuses like the ones above. You are in a difficult spiritual battle right now and the excuses can come rather easy.

Things are not always what they appear to be through our human eyes. You think you are in the relationship to save her and that may be true, but it also may be very incorrect.

 

[Ani_Ibi]

Franz:

thats not realistic, inevitably we watch movies at her house, or she comes to mine, etc…but yes, these are the situations where I get tempted. I don’t think running from them is the answer…

Running from them is the answer. Run as fast as you can. Take her to concerts, skating, parties, tobaganning, anything away from the house.

Franz:

I think I will try to recommunicate things with her

Communicating in a relationship is not about talking. If one or both of you are doing harmful things, then no amount of talking is going to fix that. Only doing differently is going to fix that.

Franz:

I just don’t want to act irrational with this.

As long as you are more worried about appearances, she will have her hooks in you. Relationships are about what people are really like, what their values are, what they actually do and not about their images of themselves.