Girlfriend is tempting me to sleep with her!

[Franz]

Here is my situation. I’m dating a woman, who is not really a practicing Catholic. I have told her about why I think its important to wait for sex until we get married, the whole shabang. We are getting more and more intimate, where one thing is leading to another. I feel helpless in stopping this, as she will see it as a rejection of her rather than my commitment to Christ, and I stand to lose her, I’m sure of it, because she will think there is something wrong with me. She thinks its important that we find out if we are sexually compatible prior to getting too involved, because that is such a big part of spending a lifetime together.

What the heck do I do? I understand her reasons, but I don’t want to commit mortal Sin. I don’t want to continue going through life looking for someone, only to lose them because of my insistance that we abstain from sexual relations prior to marriage, but at the same time, I know what I’m doing to my soul. I feel helpless. Any idea’s?

 

[Magicsilence]

Keep your eyes on heaven.

We are here just as a mist that passes and leaves.

If she is tempting you and not a practicing Catholic (or even Catholic) then can you really see the marriage working?

Do some scripture reading.

Try and pull your eyes right back to be fixed on heaven.

We should avoid all occasions of sin.

Perhaps you know what to do already, but cant face it.

Why is this girl with you (and you with her too). Do you find attraction to each others souls. Or bodies.

In Christ.

Andre.

 

[Darrel]

Get into some theology of the body with her. Talk about things like developing mutual reciprocity. Tell her that intimacy between two loving people is a learned thing not an automatic thing. No matter how the sex is, if there is good communication it will improve after marriage.

My wife and I waited, and I have sinned this way many many times in my life. It made everything so incredible and a million times better when it was done right and I waited. Just my two cents but I think God blesses marriages when the people wait. You need to trust him through this and ask for his help. It sounds like your managing this thing on your own. Her compatability issue is the problem, ease that fear and perhaps all will change. A life time of happiness comes from other combatable aspects between two people. Ever take her to adoration?

-D

 

[jrabs]

Think about it for a moment…if she is going to move on just because you will not sleep with her, is this who you would want? Someone who does not respect your faith and convictions?

Worry not over losing her. Plus a word of caution - once you start sleeping and commit a mortal sin, it gets easier the second time and all other times after that to fall.

Be strong and pray that this is the person God has sent for you.

 

[1ke]

Franz:

I’m dating a woman, who is not really a practicing Catholic.

Well here is your problem.

Franz:

I have told her about why I think its important to wait for sex until we get married, the whole shabang. We are getting more and more intimate, where one thing is leading to another. I feel helpless in stopping this, as she will see it as a rejection of her rather than my commitment to Christ

She does not share your moral values, your faith, or your standards. And, she is manipulating you, something no woman who respects you would ever do.

Franz:

and I stand to lose her

There is no loss for you, only gain. WHY do you even want to date this person who does not share your values or faith? If she sees nothing wrong with premarital sex, she obviously sees nothing wrong with contraception either. This will only lead down a path of heartache for you. She has no intention of following church teaching-- this is obviousl

Franz:

I’m sure of it, because she will think there is something wrong with me. She thinks its important that we find out if we are sexually compatible prior to getting too involved, because that is such a big part of spending a lifetime together.

Are you kidding me? What a load of cr*p she is trying to put over on you. Again, why are you wasting your time on this??? Find a woman who believes as you do. You are being very short sighted if you think this is the only issue you face with her. You are asking for a lifetime of issues, and a lifetime of her wanting you to compromise your faith.

Franz:

What the heck do I do?

Dump her and quickly.

Franz:

I don’t want to continue going through life looking for someone, only to lose them because of my insistance that we abstain from sexual relations prior to marriage, but at the same time, I know what I’m doing to my soul. I feel helpless. Any idea’s?

You will not. You will find someone who has your same values and standards. There are many faithful Catholics in this world. Do not settle for less than you deserve, and for less than God has planned for you. Do you honestly think GOD gave you this woman who wants you to sin mortally? NO. GOD will give you a woman worthy of you, do not despair.

If you are not already looking in Catholic places, start. Look in the pro-life movement, in prayer groups, bible study, and online (www.avemariasingles.com is where I met my devout, faith-filled husband). I waited a long time to find a man who shared my faith and morals-- and God blessed me abundantly. He will do the same for you.

 

[Flopfoot]

1ke is right.

If you tell her to stop being so intimate and tempting you to sin, and she doesn’t respect your wishes, then she’s not a good girlfriend for you. A good girlfriend would respect your religion and the morals you wish to practice and would not do anything that prevents you from doing this or tempts you to break your morals without good reason. Things would be much easier if you had someone who not only respected your morals, but actually had the same herself. Sorry that this will probably mean you will have to break up with your current girlfriend (unless she can manage to undertake some serious reform in herself), hope you aren’t too crushed by it - but you know you have to protect yourself and speak up about what you believe to be right.

 

[marcadam]

1ke:

She does not share your moral values, your faith, or your standards. And, she is manipulating you, something no woman who respects you would ever do. …

Dump her and quickly.

When I first read this response, I thought it was pretty harsh. But you know what? There’s a whole lot of sanity in this. It’s a cold, hard slap to be sure, but the truth sometimes hurts.

I would only add a question: when is the last time you actually talked about this with her in depth? Concupisence, especially sexual temptation, can make us stupid, especially if it has been a while since you last explained yourself to her. If you don’t reassert your reasons, make yourself understood, that you flatly reject her reasoning about “going for a test drive before buying the car” as it were, that old discussion will just fade into the past.

Also don’t expect her to just turn on a dime here. It sounds as though she’s had some experience, which has already deadened her conscience somewhat in this regard. Don’t be “Mr. Chastity Guy,” but at the same time make sure that your dates don’t involve sexually charged situations for the next few weeks/months. Don’t just explain the reasons; live the reasons.

If you sense that she simply will not commit to courting or engagement or marriage without first having sex, if continues to push you or flat out declares her intentions, ke is right: dump her with a quickness. Also, sexual temptation has an almost inexorable pull. If you feel your purity is being damaged simply because of this situation, or you find yourself losing your grip on your own sanity (and you are the sane one here, have no doubt) then the same applies: dump sooner rather than later.

You can do this. Your relationship isn’t about sex, it’s not about romantic love. Your lasting happiness with her depends on much more important things. Your everlasting lasting happiness depends on even more important things.

Be a man. Make us proud. Let us know how it goes. Seriously, please check in.

 

[Madia]

Recommended reading:

pureloveclub.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&cat=Dating

 

[shannin]

Franz:

Here is my situation. I’m dating a woman, who is not really a practicing Catholic. I have told her about why I think its important to wait for sex until we get married, the whole shabang. We are getting more and more intimate, where one thing is leading to another. I feel helpless in stopping this, as she will see it as a rejection of her rather than my commitment to Christ, and I stand to lose her, I’m sure of it, because she will think there is something wrong with me. She thinks its important that we find out if we are sexually compatible prior to getting too involved, because that is such a big part of spending a lifetime together.
What the heck do I do? I understand her reasons, but I don’t want to commit mortal Sin. I don’t want to continue going through life looking for someone, only to lose them because of my insistance that we abstain from sexual relations prior to marriage, but at the same time, I know what I’m doing to my soul. I feel helpless. Any idea’s?

Dump her.

There are many beautiful, devout, chaste Catholic girls that would appreciate you and treasure your devotion to God and your Catholic faith.

 

[CatholicSam]

Would you rather lose her or lose your soul?

 

[Marauder]

I’m not sure I would agree with the “dump her” crowd. I really suggest talking things over with her. Letting her know how firmly you believe in your convictions. Don’t make it sound like “you know I would really like to wait.” Instead tell her the reasons.

The wanting to sample the merchandise before marriage is a common theme in today’s society. Instead make her realize a new car is much more desired then a used car. Wait until the marriage night. If the only reason you would be getting married is because of the sex then that is the wrong reason.

You will be compatable after marriage, if you make it so. The most important part of sex (and marriage in general) is listening to what your partner wants. If you do that, no matter what you will be compatable. So there is no reason to have to sample the merchandise.

If after talking she still does not want to agree to your wishes then, it may be time to dump her. If you can not agree on issues like this then what will happen in the future.

Stick to your guns on moral issues. There are other things you will have to compramise on but your morals shouldn’t be one of them.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

Franz,

I wanted to say that I am very sorry that you are in this situation. Unfortunately there are fewer people in the world who believe that sex is supposed to be reserved for marriage than there should be.

I can understand that you do not what to give up on your current girlfriend. But she absolutely needs to understand in no uncertain terms that you will not sleep with anyone before you are married and that you won’t let yourself be tempted into it.

If she cannot understand that or pretends to understand while continuing to tempt you, your only option is to end the relationship. She needs to know that this is an option and that your faith is THAT important to you.

God bless you.

 

[Hitetlen]

It may come as a surprise that an atheist agrees with the advices given, but I do. The reason: you two are not compatible. She is of course correct that being sexually compatible is of utmost importance, even though it is not be THE most important part. There were too many examples when physical incompatibility leads to other problems, and then two people are locked into a bad marriage - which cannot even be dissolved easily. (Of course in my eyes she is right and you are wrong, but that does not count, it is merely my opinion.)

 

[Franz]

I think you all offer great advice, and I thank you all. I like different perspectives on this, although really I am obviously looking for the Catholic view. Let me start, by saying that I haven’t been chaste, in fact, I’ve done it many times. I’ve come to appreciate my faith over the last 3 years, and only now have made the committment to Christ, understanding fully what my relationship really means with him.

So I too struggle with this. Although my head tells me no, my body tells me yes, and I get pulled in different directions. That said, I’ve been involved in my church all my life, have dated many Catholic girls, and all are the same. They all are not chaste, and all feel that they need to know sexually, if this person is right for their future. This is not the first time I’ve had this situation, but the first time I’ve decided to confront this head on, given my personal transformation. I’m not perfect, and I sometimes get carried away, but I try, and I pray, and pray, and pray for the right way to approach this situation.

This girl has expressed a desire to learn more about the faith, and to become involved to some degree, however I can tell you that she is asking a lot of questions about her faith given recent events in her life, which to me, seems as if God is pulling her in again. She is not at the same point I am in my journey, but I think she is starting along in her journey none the less, because of what I have just described.

 

[YinYangMom]

Franz:

I think you all offer great advice, and I thank you all. I like different perspectives on this, although really I am obviously looking for the Catholic view. Let me start, by saying that I haven’t been chaste, in fact, I’ve done it many times. I’ve come to appreciate my faith over the last 3 years, and only now have made the committment to Christ, understanding fully what my relationship really means with him.

So I too struggle with this. Although my head tells me no, my body tells me yes, and I get pulled in different directions. That said, I’ve been involved in my church all my life, have dated many Catholic girls, and all are the same. They all are not chaste, and all feel that they need to know sexually, if this person is right for their future. This is not the first time I’ve had this situation, but the first time I’ve decided to confront this head on, given my personal transformation. I’m not perfect, and I sometimes get carried away, but I try, and I pray, and pray, and pray for the right way to approach this situation.

This girl has expressed a desire to learn more about the faith, and to become involved to some degree, however I can tell you that she is asking a lot of questions about her faith given recent events in her life, which to me, seems as if God is pulling her in again. She is not at the same point I am in my journey, but I think she is starting along in her journey none the less, because of what I have just described.

Maybe you two should listen to Jason Evert’s talk on Romance Without Regret together. It’s available on line, here, then discuss the talk and whether or not you two desire the same commitment in your future relationships (preferably together, but if not, it’s the change of mind and heart which should be the focus in the discussion).

If you two agree this is something you both want for each other, and perhaps for you two as a couple, then bookmark the TheologyoftheBody.net website to keep tabs on upcoming events. For now, if you visit their Speakers page you can click on the links of the various speakers to see where they’ll be speaking next. Find an event the two of you can attend and make it a date.

In the meantime, keep an image of Mary in your mind to conjure up when you look into your girlfriend’s eyes. Begin to see the purity of Mary in your girlfriend and your male instinct to protect her dignity will surface. When she starts behaving unlike Mary, gently remind her how precious she is to God, how loved she is by Him. This drive for sexual gratification, as you and she know from experience, is rooted in the need to feel loved, to have some concrete evidence of that love. You can fill that need outside of sexual relations, but it takes work.

 

[Marauder]

Franz:

I think you all offer great advice, and I thank you all. I like different perspectives on this, although really I am obviously looking for the Catholic view. Let me start, by saying that I haven’t been chaste, in fact, I’ve done it many times. I’ve come to appreciate my faith over the last 3 years, and only now have made the committment to Christ, understanding fully what my relationship really means with him.

I can appreciate your struggle. It was very similar with both me and my wife. We both had experience before we meet each other. I returned to the church, before I meet her. I was farther along then her in book knowledge of the church, but she was farther along then me in spiritual attachment. We both decided to attempt to be good until marriage. Although we weren’t totally chaste until marriage we never “went all the way”. It was very powerful waiting until the night of the wedding.

Talk things over with her. Help her on her journey. But as I said in my previous post, you shouldn’t give in on moral choices. If she can not respect that then it is a good sign that there may be other issues with your relationship. Talk things over.

 

[Tietjen]

Franz:

What the heck do I do? I understand her reasons, but I don’t want to commit mortal Sin. I don’t want to continue going through life looking for someone, only to lose them because of my insistance that we abstain from sexual relations prior to marriage, but at the same time, I know what I’m doing to my soul. I feel helpless. Any idea’s?

Continue to do what you know is right. Explain to her your feelings and the reason why you want to wait and if she respects you, she will understand and even value you more. If she fails to understand, then maybe she is not the one that God has intended you to marry. Don’t compromise on this issue or you could find yourself on a slippery slope. You say that she is not a practicing Catholic. What if after the two of you are married, she decides that she doesn’t wish to attend Mass with you? What if God places children in your lives? Where will the Children be on Sundays? Sex is important in a marriage. However, it is not what makes a marriage. Therefore, if she insists that sexual compatibility must be explored prior to the sacrament of marriage, I think that her view of what marriage is lacks much of what God intended it to be.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

Franz,

I sense (and I could be wrong) that you still feel guilty for slipping in the past and that is allowing you to slide a bit now. Just because you have made mistakes in regard to your sexuality in the past does not mean that you cannot stand firm now.

The restraint that God calls men and women to show before marriage will allow them to show restraint in their marriage by being faithful to their spouses. It will also help during times when abstinence is necessary due to illness, pregnancy or a number of other factors.

God bless.

 

[dhgray]

Franz:

What the heck do I do? I understand her reasons, but I don’t want to commit mortal Sin. I don’t want to continue going through life looking for someone, only to lose them because of my insistance that we abstain from sexual relations prior to marriage, but at the same time, I know what I’m doing to my soul. I feel helpless. Any idea’s?

There is strength in numbers. I would recommend you contact the Local chapter of the CFC-Singles for Christ The men in the group can help you. sfcnyc.org/

Facebook - Log In or Sign Up What is CFC Singles for Christ?

CFC Singles for Christ (SFC) is for single men and women with ages from 21 to the 40’s. Truly, most single professional men and women have been burdened in climbing the ladder to success. Fortunately, thousand of these singles have responded to God’s call and acknowledged that only He can lessen the burden and make them live joyful and peaceful lives. They may be in the world, but they are not of the world. One exciting and interesting highlight about SFC’s existence is its smooth integration to CFC, not only in terms of its structure, but also because a good number of its members have found their lifetime partners in SFC, while those who came in ahead invited their “loves” to join as well, thereby forging a stronger relationship focused on the Lord.

 

[shannin]

Franz:

I think you all offer great advice, and I thank you all. I like different perspectives on this, although really I am obviously looking for the Catholic view. Let me start, by saying that I haven’t been chaste, in fact, I’ve done it many times. I’ve come to appreciate my faith over the last 3 years, and only now have made the committment to Christ, understanding fully what my relationship really means with him.

Since you haven’t been chaste and have “done it many times” yourself before marriage then you shouldn’t dump her. Why don’t you just marry her?

So I too struggle with this. Although my head tells me no, my body tells me yes, and I get pulled in different directions. That said, I’ve been involved in my church all my life, have dated many Catholic girls, and all are the same. They all are not chaste, and all feel that they need to know sexually, if this person is right for their future.

All Catholic girls are NOT the same? Not true. I resent your remark.