Giving up on marriage

[minkymurph]

That’s bad have you spoken to a Priest about your marriage? Maybe he would be able to talk to your husband, not only about your marriage, but the way he speaks to your children? Also, I would suggest you go to counselling on your own, to help the marriage even more from your end. Hopefully, it will make him see what he could do to improve the marriage. Has your husband been to a doctor and told about the affects alcohol is having on his body? Maybe that would help your husband to cut down on his drinking, so he won’t be drinking too much.

Lou

Sorry for all the long posts but I think it is only fair you get the whole picture. It is also a relief. When I became Catholic we had bullets taped to our front door by some of my husband’s acquaintances. Someone tried to burn our car and he still stood by me. He did not want our children brought up Catholic and I spoke to the priest about it who was very understanding. He said I needed to bring my husband with me and my husband came on board in the end. He said sending my kids to a Catholic school was one of the best decisions I every made and he now has total confidence in Catholic schools. They have done wonders with my eldest son who has dyslexia, and my younger son who has autism attends a main stream Catholic school and get lots of help. He goes to a homework club were he get help and has joined the school football team.

My husbands parents freaked out when they found out my kids were going to be brought up Catholic and go to a Catholic school. My husband stood by me and told them in no uncertain terms we had decided. He agreed to them being baptized Catholic. My mother and father in law did not attend and I felt bad. My husband said he would deal with them and to do what I thought was best as he trusted me that I would do what was best for my kids and trusted me I would not get it wrong. They would not come to the baptism and I was upset. My husband said do it no matter what they thought.

As I said my husband worked out in Saudi, but when he returned the job situation was dire. That is when the problems started. He misses the big money and hates the job he is in. Then his mother was very ill and died. My best friend told me to ride the tide as a lot of our problems were stress on his part. My husband thinks he can cope with stress but he can’t. He now looks after his dad and he drives him mad as he has little patience. My youngest son is OK as he is my boy, but I feel for my eldest as he was such a daddy’s boy for so long and now he can’t understand why his dad is treating him as he does. He had a rough time in school last year. He wasn’t doing homework, the school was never off the phone to me and he got a really bad report. My husband was angry but I said that we also bore responsibility as we had let him down in fighting with each other all the time and not giving him the support he needed, and he is brilliant with my younger son. He has settled down now and doing much better.

If my husband gets a better paying job I think things will improve, but he still spends all his time with his dad. I understand this but I don’t think he should be neglecting me and the kids to the extent he does. I asked my eldest if he wanted to know his biological father and he said no. He said my husband is his dad and he wants him. So you see, it is complicated.

 

[Lou2U]

I believe you. When you’re both good people and both flawed people, it makes these decisions so hard.

It is bad for your children to be around the over-drinking, and it’s bad for you. You don’t want to fail to draw a line that needs to be drawn to protect the innocent, even if your marriage is valid. What happens in a co-dependent household is that most of the energy goes to protecting the drinker from the consequences of his actions, rather than protecting everyone else from them. I know a fellow who won’t talk to his own mother because of what he went through with his dad as a kid, and his mother did nothing to stop it. That’s why I suggested “Co-Dependent No More.” In order for your marriage to be saved or for what remains of your co-parenting relationship with your husband to be saved, the excessive drinking has to be addressed. It can’t keep on being the elephant in the room that sits on your chest.

I agree.

Minkymurph, I am so sorry you’ve been struggling this way for so long. I didn’t mean to imply your husband was a bad person, and I do not think you are a bad person either. You are trying to make the best out of what you have.

I would still encourage you to tell your husband to see a doctor about the drinking. From what you’ve said about his job, it sounds as though he could be depressed - maybe he could also talk to a doctor about this?

Is there any way your father in law could get some outside help, so your husband does not need to be with him all the time?

Keep telling your husband not to upset your children, and ask him to spend more time with them. I think with this, you’re going to have to keep telling him until he remembers how much he enjoys spending time with them and will do it of his own accord. If you can, arrange activities for you all to do together. It doesn’t have to be expensive - you could go to the park, or play board games at home.

I so hope everything looks better for you soon.

Lou

 

[minkymurph]

I believe you. When you’re both good people and both flawed people, it makes these decisions so hard.

It is bad for your children to be around the over-drinking, and it’s bad for you. You don’t want to fail to draw a line that needs to be drawn to protect the innocent, even if your marriage is valid. What happens in a co-dependent household is that most of the energy goes to protecting the drinker from the consequences of his actions, rather than protecting everyone else from them. I know a fellow who won’t talk to his own mother because of what he went through with his dad as a kid, and his mother did nothing to stop it. That’s why I suggested “Co-Dependent No More.” In order for your marriage to be saved or for what remains of your co-parenting relationship with your husband to be saved, the excessive drinking has to be addressed. It can’t keep on being the elephant in the room that sits on your chest.

That nails it EasterJoy. We are both good people and both flawed people.

I know what you are saying about over-drinking, but what I was trying to explain is over-drinking is normal to our culture and accepted. People are not judged for being drinkers. It is only and issue when it impacts on peoples lives in a negative way. Lots of people in our culture are heavy drinkers but it does not impact on their lives in a negative way. I’m not saying any of this is good or right, I’m just stating facts.

As I understand co-dependence it’s all about protecting the drinker? Well I don’t protect him. I tell him he is wrong, tell the kids not to believe him when he is mean, and tell him he is telling lies when he puts me down. I don’t clean up after him or sort his mess. He went through a stage of wetting the bed and I slept in another room for 4 weeks. Eventually he said when are you going to stop sleeping in another room and I said when you clean up your mess. I do not protect him.

That said, I am not convinced drinking is the only issue. He gets drunk quicker than he used to and falls asleep in no time. He does drink less now and I think it is because he just falls asleep. I have heard him fighting with people in his sleep and he has trouble finding his way out of the bedroom to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He throws 50 ampers over trivial things and in the past he was not like that at all no matter how drunk.

I would not be with him if I had somewhere else to live, but he will always be a part of my life and a part of me. He is the only person in my life who ever really cared about me, and even now is sometimes my only and best friend. This is why it is all so complex and confusing. It’s a love hate relationship

All said, I would like to thank you all. I want to thank you because you have listened and not judged either of us. I would like to thank you because unlike the other thread I started you have not said, ‘you must do this and it is all so obvious and you are failing your kids.’ I have a wonderful and close relationship with my kids and love them with all my heart. When I came on this thread tonight my stomach was in knots. I thought I would be met by a barrage of judgement and unkind comments like before. Today I wished I had not posted because I felt embarrassed and that I had left myself vulnerable to strangers. I know we are all strangers to each other but sometimes people just want to be heard and the internet can facilitate that whilst providing anonymity. I did not expect anyone to provide solutions or fix my life. I know people can’t do that. I just wanted to be heard in safe environment. Thank you for not letting me down.

 

[GrandmaLaLa]

Hi: I am glad things are improving. May I play Devil’s Advocate for a moment as I am an Addictions Counselor. (no, I didn’t tell you to leave)

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease, not only does the drinking escalate but often it comes with abuse. The alcoholic has a disease that he cannot control. He can stop; he can be sober One Day AT A Time, but there is rarely a middle ground. Anyone in the business of helping addicted people would worry that you might be in harm’s way, as would your children. You don’t mention whether or not he drinks and drives but that alone is reason enough to protect your kids and yourself from getting into the car with him. And, how about those other people on the road?

The other part of the equation is that you would benefit from Al Anon. It is a place for support.

The fact that he is cutting back is a temporary fix. Alcoholics can’t do it. Either he is drinking where you can’t see it or he will slide back.

I don’t think anyone who suggested you leave him did so to just end a difficult marriage. It is a very tricky illness and the outcomes can be devastating emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and financially.

Perhaps you do not see your husband as an alcoholic but anyone who cannot stop drinking, even when there have been negative consequences, is an alcoholic.

I hope he goes to AA; you to Al-Anon and the kids to Al-A-teen. Alcoholism affects everyone in the family. Also, think about doing some reading on Adult Children of Alcoholics so you know what the consequences long term are for all of you.

Sheila

 

[minkymurph]

I agree.

Minkymurph, I am so sorry you’ve been struggling this way for so long. I didn’t mean to imply your husband was a bad person, and I do not think you are a bad person either. You are trying to make the best out of what you have.

I would still encourage you to tell your husband to see a doctor about the drinking. From what you’ve said about his job, it sounds as though he could be depressed - maybe he could also talk to a doctor about this?

Is there any way your father in law could get some outside help, so your husband does not need to be with him all the time?

Keep telling your husband not to upset your children, and ask him to spend more time with them. I think with this, you’re going to have to keep telling him until he remembers how much he enjoys spending time with them and will do it of his own accord. If you can, arrange activities for you all to do together. It doesn’t have to be expensive - you could go to the park, or play board games at home.

I so hope everything looks better for you soon.

Lou

My father in law has carers who call in 3 times a day. I think he is just lonely and not meaning to be unkind has no one to think about but himself.

I do keep telling my husband no to upset the kids and spend more time with them. Sometimes battles I win and some I do not. I do not stop trying. Sometimes I think I should because it’s a lost cause and if he wants to divorce himself from his kids to the point where they will never see him when they are older that is his look out.

I do so many things with my kids I think he should do. Play football, pool, bowling, go karting. Non expensive - swimming, monopoly and my youngest has decided he would like to be a Chef and I am teaching him how to cook. I just wish my husband would do things with us but unless we do something he wants to do it is no go. They seem to prefer to do these things with me and I know why. I just wish it was not like that as it hurts when I see other kids do these things with dads.

 

[minkymurph]

Hi: I am glad things are improving. May I play Devil’s Advocate for a moment as I am an Addictions Counselor. (no, I didn’t tell you to leave)

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease, not only does the drinking escalate but often it comes with abuse. The alcoholic has a disease that he cannot control. He can stop; he can be sober One Day AT A Time, but there is rarely a middle ground. Anyone in the business of helping addicted people would worry that you might be in harm’s way, as would your children. You don’t mention whether or not he drinks and drives but that alone is reason enough to protect your kids and yourself from getting into the car with him. And, how about those other people on the road?

The other part of the equation is that you would benefit from Al Anon. It is a place for support.

The fact that he is cutting back is a temporary fix. Alcoholics can’t do it. Either he is drinking where you can’t see it or he will slide back.

I don’t think anyone who suggested you leave him did so to just end a difficult marriage. It is a very tricky illness and the outcomes can be devastating emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and financially.

Perhaps you do not see your husband as an alcoholic but anyone who cannot stop drinking, even when there have been negative consequences, is an alcoholic.

I hope he goes to AA; you to Al-Anon and the kids to Al-A-teen. Alcoholism affects everyone in the family. Also, think about doing some reading on Adult Children of Alcoholics so you know what the consequences long term are for all of you.

Sheila

Thank you for your post Shiela.

My husband does not drink and drive. He doesn’t even take one drink and drive. There is no issue there.

My husband is a heavy drinker. Lots of people I know are heavy drinkers. We live in culture where people are very complacent about drinking. I’m not saying it’s a good thing. I’m saying maybe what you would think is an alcoholic and what I would is different.

I am a heavy drinker. I drink more from I stopped smoking. I was a really heavy smoker for years. If I had a choice between drink and smoke I’d take my smoke. I stopped a year ago and I would still love to smoke. I don’t get drunk very often and I don’t drink to get drunk. Truth is, it’s something to do.

I’m not convinced drink it the whole story. I think my husband may be depressed and as you know only too well alcohol will aggravate depression. I think he really needs to talk to someone but being an alpha male who has no need to tell strangers his problems he won’t.

 

[kozlosap]

I’m so sorry for your struggle. I admire you for finding the strength to finish your JD. if I were you, I would take the bar exam since working as an attorney will make your families life easier and take pressure off of your husband. It’s so obvious to all that have read this that your main concern is your children, as it should be, and you are doing everything possible to make sure they have a normal home life. I have no advice for you since I have never walked in your shoes, but I wool be praying that you find some personal peace and your husband tries to get help with his addiction. God Bless You!

 

[minkymurph]

I’m so sorry for your struggle. I admire you for finding the strength to finish your JD. if I were you, I would take the bar exam since working as an attorney will make your families life easier and take pressure off of your husband. It’s so obvious to all that have read this that your main concern is your children, as it should be, and you are doing everything possible to make sure they have a normal home life. I have no advice for you since I have never walked in your shoes, but I wool be praying that you find some personal peace and your husband tries to get help with his addiction. God Bless You!

Thank you. That is the most supportive thing I have heard in a long time.

 

[dedo]

I don’t know the answer to your problem but I am sure that their are expert resources that can help you.

Perhaps you guys should get some counseling and read some books / watch DVD’s on the issues you are dealing with.

If your husband won’t go, go yourself.

I have not read it, but I have heard a book called “Rational Recovery” by Trimpey be highly recommended by people who are dealing with addictions.

There are other resources on general marriage enrichment.

Good luck.