Going to Confession When One Doesn't "Feel" Sorry

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LilyM said:
Let’s ask a question - why exactly are you confessing something that you don’t actually NOT wish to do again?
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The person is confessing because they know in their head they should confess (they know it was a sin, but don’t actually feel sorry for it), because they want to receive Holy Communion at Mass, because they don’t want to go to Hell, because they don’t want to be embarrassed at Mass by not receiving Holy Communion.

Scout :tiphat:
 
Scout said:
The person is confessing because they know in their head they should confess (they know it was a sin, but don’t actually feel sorry for it), because they want to receive Holy Communion at Mass, because they don’t want to go to Hell, because they don’t want to be embarrassed at Mass by not receiving Holy Communion.

Scout :tiphat:
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Not wanting to go to hell is a good enough reason if the person intends not to commit the sin again. Not wanting to be shamed at Mass is probably not a good enough reason, however, the person is to be commended for having the decency not to commit a sacrilege by receiving unworthily.

Actually, I can remember a time when I did a similar thing. I had a work situation that had led me to sin, and I saw no way out of it. I knew that my sin had displeased God, but felt utterly unable to turn from it. In desperation, I went to confession and laid out the whole story, not expecting to receive absolution. To my surprise and delight, the priest (for whom I had prayed intensely beforehand) did give me absolution. It was the beginning of the healing of the situation. But I was there because I wanted to be sorry, not because I didn’t want to stay in my seat at Communion time.

Betsy
 
So, if I understand correctly, just the desire not to go to hell isn’t a good enough reason to go to Confession. Is that right?

On the other side of the issue, is it even possible to go to Confession without feeling some remorse, even if you’re unaware of it or don’t “feel” it? What I mean is, is just the fact that you’re making the effort to obey mean anything? You don’t feel remorse, and you don’t believe you even want to stop sinning, but you go to Confession because you know it’s the right thing to do. Does that count for anything? And even though you don’t feel remorse now, you know you should, and think perhaps someday you will, so you go to Confession.

Sorry about this-there’s just a lot of issues going through my head right now that I’m trying to sort out. Thanks for everyone’s patience and help.

Scout :tiphat:
 
Last night my wife exhibited a trait that I least like about her. I didn’t **feel **one bit in love with her while she was doing it. But it didn’t change the reality that I do love her.

By going to confession, you acknowledge that what you confess is wrong in God’s eyes. And because you love Him (albiet imperfectly), even in your obstinance, you have sorrow (albiet imperfect sorrow) for offending Him. Confession is less about how you “feel” about your sin but knowing what God “feels” about it and being sincere to not offend Him in the future.

But what you must be sincere about is that you desire to not offend him again with this sin and that you will dedicate your will (combined with His graces) to avoid the sin in the future. If you are not sincere about this part of your confession, as I understand it, you are making a mockery of the Sacrament,
 
Orionthehunter said:
But what you must be sincere about is that you desire to not offend him again with this sin and that you will dedicate your will (combined with His graces) to avoid the sin in the future. If you are not sincere about this part of your confession, as I understand it, you are making a mockery of the Sacrament,
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What if you don’t feel you are sincere about your desire to not sin again? You’d like to be sincere, and you know you need to be sincere, but you’re just not there yet. You’re not trying to make a mockery of the Confession, you’re just not where you need to be yet, and you have no idea when you’re going to be there.

Scout :tiphat:
 
The Sacraments are where we go to receive God’s grace. Baltobetsy mentions the importance of “matter and form” in order for the Sacrament to be valid. Tantum ergo (#7) mentions St. Augustine in describing the difference between ‘feeling sorry’ and ‘being sorrowful’ for sin. Turtle 18 (#8) writes “even acknowledging it is wrong in Confession is enough to be pardoned for it.” This is a good place to start. We may have a vague awareness that something done was sinful but as yet do not understand the implication of our action. Without understanding the effect our action has caused, how can we “feel sorry” even if we know the act was wrong and are therefore “sorrowful.”?
If it is a question about whether or not you are truly repentent, this can also be brought into the confessional. Let your confessor know how you truly feel and he can guide into making a proper confession. It is a prerogative seldom exercised, but the priest does have the right to not give absolution. The honesty that you bring may help him guide you to a future date when you will be better able to confess in “matter and form” that makes the Sacrament valid. Perhaps with your confessor’s guidance, you will find yourself better able to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation than you realize when you first entered the confessional. In any case, make the effort and go.
 
Scout said:
What if you don’t feel you are sincere about your desire to not sin again? You’d like to be sincere, and you know you need to be sincere, but you’re just not there yet. You’re not trying to make a mockery of the Confession, you’re just not where you need to be yet, and you have no idea when you’re going to be there.

Scout :tiphat:
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Take this all to your pastor. You are getting into areas that I think nobody but a Priest/Spiritual Director should answer or discuss with you. It requires so much auxiliary information.
 
Orionthehunter said:
Take this all to your pastor. You are getting into areas that I think nobody but a Priest/Spiritual Director should answer or discuss with you. It requires so much auxiliary information.
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Most succintly and best put.:tiphat:
 
Orionthehunter said:
Take this all to your pastor. You are getting into areas that I think nobody but a Priest/Spiritual Director should answer or discuss with you. It requires so much auxiliary information.
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No spiritual director and no priest that’s really trustworthy. I understand your point, though.

Scout :tiphat:
 
Scout said:
I understand what you’re saying. However, isn’t it just sinning more by making the Act of Contrition, because you’re lying when you say you’re sorry when you’re not. Plus, you’re making a vow to amend your life, when you probably have no intention of doing so.
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Being sorry is not about feeling sorry. Contrition, like any act of true love, is an act of the will, not of the emotions. One can be truly sorry for sin without feeling anything, yet be 100% sincere. Not “feeling” anything does not make a mockery out of Confession.

Besides that, the intention to amend one’s life is not a vow. One must resolve/intend AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT not to sin or avoid the occasion of sin, even though he knows that there’s a chance it might happen again. One does not have to vow not to sin again; God knows how weak we are.
So, by making an imperfect contrition, you’re receiving absolution at the same time you’re sinning for lying?
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No. Imperfect contrition is contrition that springs up for less-than-perfect motives, like, “I’m sorry for my sins, please forgive me; I don’t want to go to hell.” That’s indeed true contrition, but its motive is more self-centered; nevertheless, it is sufficient for Confession.
 
Scout said:
So, if I understand correctly, just the desire not to go to hell isn’t a good enough reason to go to Confession. Is that right?
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I’m not sure if this statement is right.

Someone mentioned it was called “imperfect contrition”. And even the words of the Act of Contrition mention this. “I’m heartily sorry… not only because I dread the pains of hell, but because they offend Thee, my God…”

Scout, you remind me of a dear friend I have that is suffering from a spiritual drought. They feel hardly anything spiritually. When I’m like that, I still go to Mass and pray for the Holy Spirit to connect my heart to my brain again.

If this is on the right track with you, I’d tell the priest my issue in the confessional, even telling him of your self-doubts on why you are going to confession. Try and pick a priest that gives good counseling, rather than one that tells you to “say 10 hail mary’s and try to do better”. I can’t stress enough the importance of a good confessor. “There are confessors, and there are good confessors!!!”.
On the other side of the issue, is it even possible to go to Confession without feeling some remorse, even if you’re unaware of it or don’t “feel” it? What I mean is, is just the fact that you’re making the effort to obey mean anything? You don’t feel remorse, and you don’t believe you even want to stop sinning, but you go to Confession because you know it’s the right thing to do. Does that count for anything? And even though you don’t feel remorse now, you know you should, and think perhaps someday you will, so you go to Confession.
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Go to confession, Scout. Tell the priest everything. He’ll tell you:
a) you’re sins are absolved.
or
b) Get the Hell out-a-here! (Bad pun, warning!!!)
 
Karl_M said:
If I understand you correctly, you’re asking about going to Confession when you don’t feel “sorry,” you just don’t want to go to Hell, the question being “Should I still go?”

The answer is YES-GO TO CONFESSION. This is called imperfect contrition.

You should tell the priest the situation. If memory serves me correctly, you can obtain absolution through imperfect contrition, but only through Sacramental Confession.

Imperfect contrition is not grounds for refusing absolution-but not having a firm purpose of ammendment is.
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From my understanding, this is not imperfect contrition. You still have to recognize that the act was wrong and intend to never commit it again for it to be imperfect contrition. Imperfect contrition is sorrow motivatied by the fear of hell.
 
Scout,
Following your stream of thought… I hear a couple themes.
One is- you know something you are doing is a sin.
Two- you seem to value the opinion of the others who may notice that you aren’t going to Communion (Question does your sin hurt or offend them?)
Three- You do not seem to Trust
Yourself- that you have the will (want) to extinguish the
sin.
Others- that they may understand or forgive that sin.
Your Confessor- That they may actually be able to help.
God- God may bestow Grace and send the Spirit through
your confession and absolution to give stregnth over
temptation.

I would urge you to go to Confession. It shows a willingness to Trust. It exhibits a rejection of self. If shows Faith.

I have confessed more than once the sin of gluttony. I know in my heart I may (probably at a lenten fish fry) commit that sin again. But it is important that when I sin before God and others I go outside myself for absolution.

Finally, trusting in God and others, although selfless, helps remove the burden of those sins incrementally from your/my soul. Scout, sins are a burden, they weigh your soul down, they eat at your heart, Give them away, Let God lighten your burden.
You may, to your own shock, find yourself in tears having confessed the sin you may repeat, once you say it out loud in the confessional.
God Bless You.
 
Thanks to all contributors for this interesting and important thread. I am a relatively new Catholic and I need this.
 
NotWorthy said:
Scout, you remind me of a dear friend I have that is suffering from a spiritual drought
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*Hmmmm…I wonder who that could be? :hmmm: *

Thanks, everyone, for all the information and advice. Although I have heard some conflicting thoughts, the one consistant is that I should go to Confession, regardless of how I feel. This is a very difficult thing to do, as I’m sure many of you are aware.

I think part of me is afraid of being rejected for absolution. Another part of me is afraid that I’m never going to change (or that I don’t really want to) and that going to Confession makes me a hypocrite.

However, I only have two options-either go to Confession and deal with the consequences, or don’t go to Confession and deal with the consequences. Even if my emotions and heart aren’t in it, logically speaking Confession is still the wisest choice. So, I will have to find a way to force myself to go. This will not be easy. Just thinking about it makes me apprehensive. 😦
Thanks, again, everyone. You gave me a lot to think about.:bowdown2:

Scout :tiphat:
 
Once, when my 10 year old bit the school yard bully during a basketball game, I told her she had to go to confession. She informed me she wasn’t the least bit sorry and would do it again given the chance. While I didn’t blame her and would have liked the opportunity to bite the brat myself, I told her she at least had to confess that she wasn’t sorry for what she did.

PS She confessed to a very old retired priest who laughed out loud. So much for a possible lesson learned.
 
While I was rummaging through a drawer, looking for something, I found a pocket-sized copy of *Jesus, I Trust In You-Selected Prayers of Saint Faustina *(4th ed., Shrine of Divine Mercy, Krakow, 2002).

I picked it up, and it immediately fell open to the chapter entitled “The Sacrament of Reconcilciation and Penance”. I thought I’d share some of what I read.

“*When you go to Confession, to this fountain of My mercy, the Blood and Water which came forth from My Heart always flow down upon your soul and enoble it. Every time you go to Confession, immerse yourself entirely in My mercy, with great trust, so that I may pour the bounty of My grace upon your soul…Tell souls that from this fount of mercy souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity.” *(p. 36)

'Nough said, huh? 🙂

Scout :tiphat:
 
If you feel sorry for your sins because you fear the ultimate end of going to hell, but you’re not sorry for them because you offended God…then, this is imperfect contrition.

If you feel sorry for your sins because you have offended God…then, this is perfect contrition.

If you do not feel sorry for your sins, but still want to go to confession…“Why not?” Explain to the priest that you do not feel sorry for what has taken place (perhaps there is some hidden resentment lurking around that the priest can help flush out). At the very least, the fact that you feel that you want to confess your sins and ‘hope’ that something will snap and you’ll feel contrite…that, in itself, shows contrition. Feelings are not reliable things, and often a misplaced ‘feeling’ can aid in muddying up the discernment process.

I suggest that you go to confession, anyway. Tell the priest the situation, and let Jesus (working through that priest) help you through the forgiveness process. If you are open and honest…you truly have nothing to lose – and so much to gain!

God bless you!
John
 
As someone here said, “Being sorry is not about feeling sorry. Contrition, like any act of true love, is an act of the will, not of the emotions. One can be truly sorry for sin without feeling anything, yet be 100% sincere. Not “feeling” anything does not make a mockery out of Confession.”

We know what we did is wrong and it is sorrow for having offended God, who is all good and deserving of all our Love. It is an act of will. We may not even understand why something is offensive to God, but we know we are not to do it, and we need His forgiveness. It’s a submission to His will, and not our own. If we are not sorry for having offended God, then we should talk to a priest about that.
 
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