If so, I think you do deserve at least a week head’s start on the snuggling.
Your husband may be a terrific husband and great father to your new baby, but he cannot be your mother or the child’s grandmother.
Maybe mothers were once more helpful? Mine showed up, uninvited and played on her phone while holding a baby half heartedly while I mopped, cooked and cleaned…and she made a big fuss about feeling unwelcome. Well, there was a reason
My mother made a couple of meals, announced she couldn’t do anything else, then went to her room and sulked when we told her that we were asking my in-laws to come over. She finally came out of her room after I cried and reminded her that I’d given birth 3 days ago.Maybe mothers were once more helpful? Mine showed up, uninvited and played on her phone while holding a baby half heartedly while I mopped, cooked and cleaned…and she made a big fuss about feeling unwelcome. Well, there was a reason
Okay so you want to skip the chili and other spicy food if you are breast feeding.
Oh wow.
Not necesarily. Chili can be very mild, and my personal experience has been that spicy stuff has not tended to make my kids fussy. But I know people sometimes avoid garlic, onions, etc, so whatever works for you is fine. (Including formula, BTW.)
Yeah, this is another YMMV thing.
This is the perfect demonstration of why I don’t want my mom (or MIL, or SIL, or any female relatives or friends) over my shoulder from day 1. Even being pregnant I’ve gotten so much conflicting but well-meaning advice that I can and do just brush off. But when the person is your mother, living with you, and it’s about a baby instead of a pregnancy and you’re recovering from a big medical thing, it’s harder to ignore.
…and even more popular!
It seems that every culture has a different list of foods that are good and bad for breastfeeding mothers. The La Leche League suggests a fresh wholesome diet is all that is necessary. The mother needs to be careful only if the baby has an allergic or adverse reaction to breast milk. In the case of chili, I think common sense would dictate that extra mild is better than hot. You would be surprised though how little common sense a person has when sleep deprived. A good doula, grandmother or helper senses a mother’s special needs and works to keep every one safe.
Back in the day men rarely got involved with the early phase of a child’s life and rarely had time off work to help with housework. Nowadays the roles that men and women take on in the home are more fluid.It seems that every culture has a different list of foods that are good and bad for breastfeeding mothers. The La Leche League suggests a fresh wholesome diet is all that is necessary. The mother needs to be careful only if the baby has an allergic or adverse reaction to breast milk. In the case of chili, I think common sense would dictate that extra mild is better than hot. You would be surprised though how little common sense a person has when sleep deprived. A good doula, grandmother or helper senses a mother’s special needs and works to keep every one safe.
I feel very sorry for all those women/new mothers who don’t feel comfortable with their own mothers at the special time afterbirth. There are many, many very good mothers/grandmothers who are perfectly suited and able who help DDs or DILs postpartum.
While my own DM and MIL weren’t perfect I appreciated the time I had to see and understand their humanity and expressions of love however feeble.
We are all inadequate. This is what all truly great mothers learn. Only Our Blessed Mother exemplifies radiance and perfection :harp:
)A good postpartum caregiver does not get in the way of new parents bonding with baby. There are very good helpers. Certainly new parents should always be discrete about who is allowed in the ‘nest’. A female turtle drops its egg in the sand and walks away. Humans are called to nurture for several years. Being too persnickety with Grandma from the start might not bode well for the future. She also needs to bond and have a sense of place in the new family. There is room for everyone at the table
Think spaciously 
Most mammals are quite protective with the nest. Think of how the killdeer bird will go so far as fend intruders with the distraction of a pretend broken wing!!! Fortunately, we are humans and can think more spaciously than animals when it comes to being social. Although some humans are really quite good at creating unnecessary boundaries in the heart and home.Let us say your husband is Eric.
I think you have to
If you draw your line and defend it, you may get 20 years of snarky remarks, but you will get through it and this will pass. No, there is not an easier way, because the other way is to just parent exactly the way your parents tell you. (Tell me if that doesn’t curl your hair!
- say “no” means “no” and mean it. (Variation: “Hi, Mom. Oh, yes, Eric’s mom called, and she thinks we ought to change our minds about having you come to stay with us. You are going to love her. We’re not changing our minds. We have had everyone and their dog Mike call us, we’ve thought about it carefully, and we are sticking with the original plan. Sorry, but the discussion is closed.”)
- and then tack on: “…and if you show up anyway even though we asked you not to, we are going to get you a hotel room and you are going to stay there. I’m the parent this time, Eric (or whatever your husband’s name is) is the parent this time, and our number one rule for your grandchild is that we make the rules. No exceptions, you may as well realize now that we mean what we say and say only what we mean, and do not say we didn’t ever tell you that.”
- decide on natural consequences that will follow for people who intentionally violate your boundaries, ranging from “warning issued because maybe you didn’t quite understand” consequences, through “ten yard penalty and loss of down” consequences and all the way up to “ejected from the game” boundaries. (Let us hope no one gets themselves banned for life from the Hall of Fame.)
- then select the four people you are going to get pre-approval from as your guilt trip survival support group, so you won’t wear out one person with your venting.
- When the push back comes (and some day it almost surely will):
a) enforce the boundary as you said you would
b) repeat “the definition of a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. We may not be normal, but we are definitely typical. We’ll get through this.”
c) try to laugh
d) if laughing doesn’t work, call your Vent Support Network.
You already know children test boundaries. Well, just think about it: Everyone does. Grown-ups test boundaries, too. When you went from child to adult, your parents may have even tested your adult boundaries. Even if they didn’t, the push-back you’re getting now seems to suggest they are going to test your boundaries as a parents dealing with your child’s grandparents. (Note the plural: parents dealing.)
When you become the adult and make rules for your parents and in-laws that are more restrictive than they like, you should plan on having your boundaries tested. As with children, you should have a natural consequence ready, and then another consequence (at least) in reserve to add on for continued refusal to comply.
You are one of the smartest people on this forum. You know all of this. Actually doing it, though? Don’t skip step 4. You may want more than 4 people, even…)
That’s the problem - a small apartment. Hard to “think spaciously” when you’re on top of each other.There is room for everyone at the table
awwwThat’s the problem - a small apartment. Hard to “think spaciously” when you’re on top of each other.
My mother didn’t visit until about 6 weeks after my first child was born (can’t remember why - she may have still been teaching). In-laws came after about 4 weeks. Their choices. It worked out for me as I was a basket case - I was older & literally knew nothing about caring for babies! Husband taught me how to change diapers.