Grown children's stuff

[As_for_my_House]

My son who is getting married in a few weeks. He gave up his room in town a month ago and has moved into our house until he is wed. His fiance has also given up her apartment and has moved into the apartment that they have rented for their married life together.

My son has acquired a lot of stuff over his 10 bachelor years. At one point he lived in a rental home and during those years he acquired a lot of junk. So when he give up his house about 5 years , he moved his junk into a storage unit and the over flow into my house. I have been storing over 75 large boxes filled with old old law books(a law library) that he got from the daughter of a deceased lawyer, for 5 years now. Last week I found a 3 foot by 5 foot tacky cardboard reproduction of a french master complete with plastic fake gold frame?!!!. in my basement. Old video games, old magazines, old sports stuff, old computer stuff you name it. Yesterday I found a bike in my garage. It just appeared out of nowhere. I’ve never seen him ride a bike!

His organic food, half of which is left to spoil, is bulging out of my pantry. His clothes are overflowing his drawers and closet. His books are piled high on every available surface in his room.

Now I love this guy, really he is the apple of my eye and I certainly don’t want to make trouble for my lovely new daughter in- law but shouldn’t the stuff be moving out to his new place not moving in to my house?

I know that the apartment is small but should I ask them to take these things to their place now or wait until after the wedding? I honestly think that some things really need to go in the trash like the very old law library. He has tried to sell it, no takers.

What is the best way to handle this issue ? If any parents have been through this, how did you get your grown children to realize that mom and dad’s house is not a storage unit and yet be sensitive to their lack of space issues.

 

[PhiloMed]

My son who is getting married in a few weeks. He gave up his room in town a month ago and has moved into our house until he is wed. His fiance has also given up her apartment and has moved into the apartment that they have rented for their married life together.

My son has acquired a lot of stuff over his 10 bachelor years. At one point he lived in a rental home and during those years he acquired a lot of junk. So when he give up his house about 5 years , he moved his junk into a storage unit and the over flow into my house. I have been storing over 75 large boxes filled with old old law books(a law library) that he got from the daughter of a deceased lawyer, for 5 years now. Last week I found a 3 foot by 5 foot tacky cardboard reproduction of a french master complete with plastic fake gold frame?!!!. in my basement. Old video games, old magazines, old sports stuff, old computer stuff you name it. Yesterday I found a bike in my garage. It just appeared out of nowhere. I’ve never seen him ride a bike!

His organic food, half of which is left to spoil, is bulging out of my pantry. His clothes are overflowing his drawers and closet. His books are piled high on every available surface in his room.

Now I love this guy, really he is the apple of my eye and I certainly don’t want to make trouble for my lovely new daughter in- law but shouldn’t the stuff be moving out to his new place not moving in to my house?

I know that the apartment is small but should I ask them to take these things to their place now or wait until after the wedding? I honestly think that some things really need to go in the trash like the very old law library. He has tried to sell it, no takers.

What is the best way to handle this issue ? If any parents have been through this, how did you get your grown children to realize that mom and dad’s house is not a storage unit and yet be sensitive to their lack of space issues.

I’ll tell you what my mother did. I had every college text book I ever used, notebooks going back to high school, report cards from grammar school, stuffed animals, clothes I had not worn in a decade (you get the idea)…all squirreled away in her house.

I had 48 hours to take what I wanted and the rest went in a dumpster.

I took nothing and helped her fill the dumpster instead.

We accumulate too much stuff.

DH and I make a point of going through one drawer or closet every weekend and determine if anything can be thrown out.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think this is a conversation that starts out: “Son, it looks to me as if you’ve chosen your housing based on the idea that your mom and I are willing to continue to be your free storage unit after you marry. If so, that was what we call an invalid assumption. We never agreed to that, and we’re not going for that. It is high time we get our house back, we owe Sarah an apology for letting you use us for your pack rat habits for this long, and there is no time like the present to establish the new normal. The new normal is that you are a grown up married man who has been on his own for 10 years, and it is high time you provide the storage space for your own stuff. If you can’t afford to store it, you can’t afford to keep it. If Sarah won’t let it into your house, you’ll have to find somewhere else for it or get rid of it.”

The best thing to do is to tell him what storage space he can have, if you are offering any at all–after all, you may have more house than you know what to do with and just don’t care if he stores some things there–and when anything that doesn’t fit there has to be out. As for the stuff that just “showed up,” I’m guessing that he didn’t feel a need to ask permission for having his things at your house while he was actually living there. His move out date is a good time to “change the paradigm,” but I’d make it a point to not add stress as the wedding day approaches.

I’d give him a move-it-or-lose-it date, but about a month after he gets home from his honeymoon. Remind him about two weeks ahead of time that you’re going to box his stuff and trash it if he doesn’t remove it. That is plenty of time.

As for your new daughter-in-law, I’d do her a favor and highly encourage him to get rid of his excess of accumulated things instead of saddling her with them. She will undoubtedly thank you for that.

By the way, do not apologize for having empty space that you don’t use and yet don’t want to offer to him for his use. Again: When it comes to stuff, if you can’t afford to store it, you can’t afford to keep it. Your space is your space for your use and your stuff. If you want to allow the deacon at church to use it to get it ready for his rummage sales, that is your business.

 

[mommy_k]

I would tell him to invite his fiance to dinner so they can decide together what will be moved to a storage unit/ or new place and what should be thrown away. Tell him you just don’t want to throw it all out without him going though it.
I would tell him you were planning to get rid of the stuff next week.

 

[Irishmom2]

I would tell him to invite his fiance to dinner so they can decide together what will be moved to a storage unit/ or new place and what should be thrown away. Tell him you just don’t want to throw it all out without him going though it.
I would tell him you were planning to get rid of the stuff next week.

Best idea yet!

When he goes, his stuff has to go. One way or the other.

 

[Petaro]

Skip the discussion, get a skip.

 

[Beryllos]

Sounds like a good opportunity for him to learn (with your help) how to let go of “stuff.”

Tell him that he should own his property. He should be the master of it. It should not own him or be his master.

I’m one to talk. I have a ton of old stuff, but I’m trying to clear it out, bit by bit. Anyone want a few hundred odd and old music CDs?

 

[Xantippe]

My son who is getting married in a few weeks. He gave up his room in town a month ago and has moved into our house until he is wed. His fiance has also given up her apartment and has moved into the apartment that they have rented for their married life together.

My son has acquired a lot of stuff over his 10 bachelor years. At one point he lived in a rental home and during those years he acquired a lot of junk. So when he give up his house about 5 years , he moved his junk into a storage unit and the over flow into my house. I have been storing over 75 large boxes filled with old old law books(a law library) that he got from the daughter of a deceased lawyer, for 5 years now. Last week I found a 3 foot by 5 foot tacky cardboard reproduction of a french master complete with plastic fake gold frame?!!!. in my basement. Old video games, old magazines, old sports stuff, old computer stuff you name it. Yesterday I found a bike in my garage. It just appeared out of nowhere. I’ve never seen him ride a bike!

His organic food, half of which is left to spoil, is bulging out of my pantry. His clothes are overflowing his drawers and closet. His books are piled high on every available surface in his room.

Now I love this guy, really he is the apple of my eye and I certainly don’t want to make trouble for my lovely new daughter in- law but shouldn’t the stuff be moving out to his new place not moving in to my house?

I know that the apartment is small but should I ask them to take these things to their place now or wait until after the wedding? I honestly think that some things really need to go in the trash like the very old law library. He has tried to sell it, no takers.

What is the best way to handle this issue ? If any parents have been through this, how did you get your grown children to realize that mom and dad’s house is not a storage unit and yet be sensitive to their lack of space issues.

I was envisioning 2-4 boxes and I felt very sympathetic to your son, right up until I read your post.



Give him a generous deadline (3-6 months from the wedding?) and get this stuff gone. I’d also suggest starting to make dates with him to deal with the stuff within a couple weeks of him coming back. (“I’m available to help you with sorting and move-out Saturday July 9 or Saturday July 16. Everything has to be gone by the end of September.”)

It sounds like your son has the beginning of the hoarding bug. This is very serious, and I would be very concerned in your shoes.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would tell him to invite his fiance to dinner so they can decide together what will be moved to a storage unit/ or new place and what should be thrown away. Tell him you just don’t want to throw it all out without him going though it.
I would tell him you were planning to get rid of the stuff next week.

I don’t think I’d ruin a perfectly good dinner with my new daughter-in-law with something like this. It would be different if their son had been using their house to store her stuff, but this is a parent-son thing.

Since the wedding is a few weeks away, I might mention that this is going to need to be addressed ASAP after the honeymoon, but don’t add anything to their to-do list before the wedding except a) preparing for the wedding and b) celebrating the wedding. This way, if the son wants to let it appear that he initiated this move, that is his option. It is his stuff; let him handle it.

You can say in passing, “Son, when the wedding is all over, you’re going to need to get your stuff out of our house, and I mean by the end of July, not as a New Year’s resolution for the next five or ten years. We can wait to talk about that after you’re home from your honeymoon; I just wanted to give you a heads-up.” The rest can wait until after the wedding, and it really should. The daughter-in-law is NOT going to want her husband-to-be dealing with this right before the wedding. That is not a way to get on her good side.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t think I’d ruin a perfectly good dinner with my new daughter-in-law with something like this. It would be different if their son had been using their house to store her stuff, but this is a parent-son thing.

Since the wedding is a few weeks away, I might mention that this is going to need to be addressed ASAP after the honeymoon, but don’t add anything to their to-do list before the wedding except a) preparing for the wedding and b) celebrating the wedding. This way, if the son wants to let it appear that he initiated this move, that is his option. It is his stuff; let him handle it.

You can say in passing, “Son, when the wedding is all over, you’re going to need to get your stuff out of our house, and I mean by the end of July, not as a New Year’s resolution for the next five or ten years. We can wait to talk about that after you’re home from your honeymoon; I just wanted to give you a heads-up.” The rest can wait until after the wedding, and it really should. The daughter-in-law is NOT going to want her husband-to-be dealing with this right before the wedding. That is not a way to get on her good side.

I’m also on the don’t-ask-them-to-do-anything-before-the-wedding side.

They’re both probably totally stressed out by logistics right now.

 

[EasterJoy]

I was envisioning 2-4 boxes and I felt very sympathetic to your son, right up until I read your post.



Give him a generous deadline (3-6 months from the wedding?) and get this stuff gone. I’d also suggest starting to make dates with him to deal with the stuff within a couple weeks of him coming back. (“I’m available to help you with sorting and move-out Saturday July 9 or Saturday July 16. Everything has to be gone by the end of September.”)

It sounds like your son has the beginning of the hoarding bug. This is very serious, and I would be very concerned in your shoes.

Give him a month. Expect it to take 3-6, but for heaven’s sake, don’t tell him that. If you do, he’ll wait 4-6 months before he even starts to think about it. (I say that because many people pile up stuff like this not because they are hoarders, but because they are procrastinators. They put off making decisions about what to keep and what to do with what they’re getting rid of.)

 

[DaveBj]

Skip the discussion, get a skip.

For the record, “skip” is Britspeak for “dumpster.”

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m also on the don’t-ask-them-to-do-anything-before-the-wedding side.

They’re both probably totally stressed out by logistics right now.

Even if they’re not totally stressed about it (or if the son does not have that much on his plate, anyway), the wedding is a good excuse to be defensive about not wanting to do anything. I wouldn’t go there.

It isn’t even necessary to let him know what is coming down the pike. The topic will probably come up when the son assumes that all the wedding gifts can be stored at Mom and Dad’s while the happy couple is gone on their honeymoon!

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Chances are great that even after the marriage your son will continue to use your home as a dumping ground. The Salvation Army would be happy for your donations and they wouldn’t even ask you to box it up. Many churches would also be pleased to add to their charitable rummage sales.

This happened to my mother’s house as well. When she passed away I was the one who had to travel and clean up and get rid of the junk. To this day I have unhappy feelings over this, and try as I might, I can’t quite get rid of the feelings. Now is the time to stand your ground. Peace and prayers

 

[Xantippe]

You can rent a dumpster, by the way. Just google.

If you rent one and make your son aware of the date that the dumpster is being hauled away, that could provide a nice natural deadline for the project. “Awww, we’d love to give you more time, but they’re hauling it away a week from today.”

You can put a lot of stuff on Craigslist for free over the weekend and stick it on the curb. Anything that doesn’t get taken can go in the dumpster.

Come to think of it, if there’s no progress on his end, you can photograph each box and text it to your son Friday night before Craigslisting it first thing Saturday morning.

Here’s Snow White singing “Whistle while you work” for inspiration:

youtube.com/watch?v=YSnXNHUEodY

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

Give him a month. Expect it to take 3-6, but for heaven’s sake, don’t tell him that. If you do, he’ll wait 4-6 months before he even starts to think about it. (I say that because many people pile up stuff like this not because they are hoarders, but because they are procrastinators. They put off making decisions about what to keep and what to do with what they’re getting rid of.)

That is part of hoarding, I suspect…

 

[Xantippe]

Even if they’re not totally stressed about it (or if the son does not have that much on his plate, anyway), the wedding is a good excuse to be defensive about not wanting to do anything. I wouldn’t go there.

It isn’t even necessary to let him know what is coming down the pike. The topic will probably come up when the son assumes that all the wedding gifts can be stored at Mom and Dad’s while the happy couple is gone on their honeymoon!

Yes–don’t accept any more items into the house starting NOW.

 

[pianistclare]

Best idea yet!

When he goes, his stuff has to go. One way or the other.

Yeah, I like the idea, since he’ll be less likely to argue with his beloved.

 

[CradleJourney]

Pretty much in agreement with everyone else here - my only suggestion would be to tweak it a little and just sweetly ask them both if they were planning on getting a storage unit for all his things after the wedding, or would they like to take until (insert date) to handle it, and you’d be happy to let them sort thru it at your house.

That way you’re coming across as doing them a favor (giving them a few weeks or a month to sort thru it at your house) as opposed to the alternative (they can come over and pack it all out in a weekend).

 

[MomaMary8]

In a few months, call your son and simply say “Son, we are cleaning the garage/basement/spare room next week. We are preparing for retirement and want to declutter while we are still young. If you’d like any of the things you’ve left would you grab them. If you don’t want them, no worries. We’ll throw them out with our things.”

Then clean out the garage/basement/spare room. Repeat this call and cleaning for each area of your house that contains his things.

For the record, it was my brother that kept way too many things from our childhood, but I’m glad he did. He’s been able to wrap up the odd toys and re-gift them at Christmas! It’s been super fun to get my childhood toys back!