Grown children's stuff

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A lot of these suggestions seem a little convoluted and/or manipulative to me. Have you tried simply telling him to clean up his stuff. I mean, it IS your home. You don’t really have to justify or make it a family meeting. Rather than let this bubble under the surface, decide on a deadline and just tell him, “I want your junk up out of my house by fill-in-the-blank.” I could be wrong, but it sounded from your post like even though you’ve been annoyed by this for some time, you haven’t said anything yet. Young men aren’t known for their mind-reading ability. Just tell him.
 
Xantippe said:
That is part of hoarding, I suspect…
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From what I gather, true hoarders make up reasons they “can’t” get rid of things. Most people with too much stuff just never get around to going through it all.
 
MomaMary8 said:
In a few months, call your son and simply say “Son, we are cleaning the garage/basement/spare room next week. We are preparing for retirement and want to declutter while we are still young. If you’d like any of the things you’ve left would you grab them. If you don’t want them, no worries. We’ll throw them out with our things.”

Then clean out the garage/basement/spare room. Repeat this call and cleaning for each area of your house that contains his things.
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Very good!
 
I wish my MIL would throw away my husband’s stuff or set a deadline. We’ve been married six years and every time we visit she gives us a couple more boxes. :eek: My husband has forgotten about most of it…but suddenly he sees those Star Wars Episode 2 “collectibles” and of course, he can’t part with them now…

This winter she gave us every school paper DH did from kindergarten-8th grade. (You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not.) Thankfully DH saw the good in taking most of that directly to the recycle bin.
 
Xantippe said:
Yes–don’t accept any more items into the house starting NOW.
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Aw, well, for the daughter-in-law’s sake, I’d let them bring the gifts over, too, but only IF they asked and if they agreed that the deadline for getting rid of ALL of it was a month after they got home from the wedding. But I’d tend to be a softy around the time of the wedding. People carry grudges about who did and did not do what for their wedding for EVER. The in-laws do not need that.

The new DIL would have to be on-board with the “evacuation deadline,” though. Otherwise, the gifts need to go to her folks’ place, instead. I would have no trouble telling her she can thank our dear son for that. (Sorry he’s a pack rat, but he’s your pack rat, now. If you want to do an intervention, we’ll help you, though, LOL)
 
MomaMary8 said:
In a few months, call your son and simply say “Son, we are cleaning the garage/basement/spare room next week. We are preparing for retirement and want to declutter while we are still young. If you’d like any of the things you’ve left would you grab them. If you don’t want them, no worries. We’ll throw them out with our things.”

Then clean out the garage/basement/spare room. Repeat this call and cleaning for each area of your house that contains his things.

For the record, it was my brother that kept way too many things from our childhood, but I’m glad he did. He’s been able to wrap up the odd toys and re-gift them at Christmas! It’s been super fun to get my childhood toys back! 😃
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This is a great idea, but if and only if the parents actually are getting rid of their stuff, too. Then you can say, “We have a great deal for you. You go through your stuff, but when we die you will find we have already gone through our stuff.”

There is no reason to apologize for having as much or as little of your own stuff stored at your own house as you want, though. Your storage space is supposed to be for you. If the son points out that you’d have lots of room if you got rid of the stuff you never use, just say, “Well, it’s my house, not yours. You clutter up your place and let me clutter up mine.”
 
EasterJoy said:
Aw, well, for the daughter-in-law’s sake, I’d let them bring the gifts over, too, but only IF they asked and if they agreed that the deadline for getting rid of ALL of it was a month after they got home from the wedding. But I’d tend to be a softy around the time of the wedding. People carry grudges about who did and did not do what for their wedding for EVER. The in-laws do not need that.

The new DIL would have to be on-board with the “evacuation deadline,” though. Otherwise, the gifts need to go to her folks’ place, instead. I would have no trouble telling her she can thank our dear son for that. (Sorry he’s a pack rat, but he’s your pack rat, now. If you want to do an intervention, we’ll help you, though, LOL)
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Unless the son and his new wife are going to live with the OP, the gifts do not need to come to the house. They should go directly to the couple residence. No point in adding even more stuff to his “pile” of belongings.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Unless the son and his new wife are going to live with the OP, the gifts do not need to come to the house. They should go directly to the couple residence. No point in adding even more stuff to his “pile” of belongings.
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Agreed.This couple is too old to have things delivered to mom’s house. And anyway, if people are still doing this , they usually go the BRIDE’s mother’s house.
 
Allegra said:
A lot of these suggestions seem a little convoluted and/or manipulative to me. Have you tried simply telling him to clean up his stuff. I mean, it IS your home. You don’t really have to justify or make it a family meeting. Rather than let this bubble under the surface, decide on a deadline and just tell him, “I want your junk up out of my house by fill-in-the-blank.” I could be wrong, but it sounded from your post like even though you’ve been annoyed by this for some time, you haven’t said anything yet. Young men aren’t known for their mind-reading ability. Just tell him.
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I don’t know how any suggestions so far are manipulating.
Before dh and I got married we both went through his stuff because I was the one decorating. I also enjoyed seeing his report cards and yearbooks too.
Since they are starting a life together, and mom wants a clean house, it’s another way to bond for mom and fiance.
Then mom can throw out what they don’t want and need.
🤷
 
EasterJoy said:
From what I gather, true hoarders make up reasons they “can’t” get rid of things. Most people with too much stuff just never get around to going through it all.
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I’m seeing red flags because it sounds like he’s accumulating stuff he has little-to-no use for. Take, for example, the bike and the old law books.
 
Hi, my wife and I had that same problem – we each had our own furniture / fixings / kitchen ware – etc. Instead of throwing things away we called Saint Vincent De Paul to donate a lot of things. Not only do they help out those in need it is also a good tax write-off.

So if your son does not want to take items - donate them.

Congtz to your son and future wife.
May God bless them in their marriage.

Winter.
 
Allegra said:
A lot of these suggestions seem a little convoluted and/or manipulative to me. Have you tried simply telling him to clean up his stuff. I mean, it IS your home. You don’t really have to justify or make it a family meeting. Rather than let this bubble under the surface, decide on a deadline and just tell him, "I want your junk up out of my house by fill-in-the-blank." I could be wrong, but it sounded from your post like even though you’ve been annoyed by this for some time, you haven’t said anything yet. Young men aren’t known for their mind-reading ability. Just tell him.
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Best. Advice. Yet.
 
When we are young adults, we still at some level continue to take a lot about our parents and their needs for granted. You might have a very friendly, but serious talk about that over dinner out one night. Dinner out, as “punctuation” on the importance of your message.

Good will come of this, not only for you, but for them. Use the occasion as a milestone into their rite of entering adulthood.

Best Wishes!
 
As the parent of a son who just moved out 2 weeks ago when he got married, I so empathize with this. Our daughter who married 2 years ago (today actually!) just bought a house. I have spent a lot of time recently trying to get stuff from my basement to their homes. It is complicated by the fact that DS’s new house is still under reconstruction - they are definitely living on love right now! However, both knew that once summer hit (I’m a teacher) their stuff was heading out. The deadline was known and became the family joke that mom was leaving the wedding and packing DS’s room.

DD had a lot more stored here than DS. With her, we made plans for a garage sale. She was motivated by money they wanted for landscaping. It set a definite deadline and she knew nothing was going back in my basement. All that is left right now is her Christmas boxes which are tucked away with ours and don’t bother me. I know they’ll get picked up in December and won’t be back.

Now that both kids are out, we are ready to downsize. I want and need less and less.

Kris
 
EasterJoy said:
Aw, well, for the daughter-in-law’s sake, I’d let them bring the gifts over, too, but only IF they asked and if they agreed that the deadline for getting rid of ALL of it was a month after they got home from the wedding. But I’d tend to be a softy around the time of the wedding. People carry grudges about who did and did not do what for their wedding for EVER. The in-laws do not need that.

The new DIL would have to be on-board with the “evacuation deadline,” though. Otherwise, the gifts need to go to her folks’ place, instead. I would have no trouble telling her she can thank our dear son for that. (Sorry he’s a pack rat, but he’s your pack rat, now. If you want to do an intervention, we’ll help you, though, LOL)
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New DIL hails from China. So I won’t be asking her to take her things to her folks place. I will set a dead line about 1 month after the wedding. And yes she will have to acknowledge that he is her pack rat now.😃
 
As_for_my_House said:
New DIL hails from China. So I won’t be asking her to take her things to her folks place. I will set a dead line about 1 month after the wedding. And yes she will have to acknowledge that he is her pack rat now.😃
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For her sake, store the gifts at your place while they are gone (since stealing the wedding gifts of couples gone on their honeymoon is a favorite of thieves), and HIGHLY encourage your son to get rid of 90% of the stuff he has in storage (or at least those things he has not touched for the five years he’s had them stored; rental storage is legitimately for things you use or will use within the year, not things you have’t gotten around to going through). She doesn’t have parents here to stick up for her, so you will not go wrong by sticking up for your son’s beloved on this.
 
mommy_k said:
Since they are starting a life together, and mom wants a clean house, it’s another way to bond for mom and fiance.
Then mom can throw out what they don’t want and need.
🤷
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Perhaps I misread your intentions but I have vision of mom and DIL bonding over throwing all of this guy’s stuff out and him really feeling ganged up on 😛
 
Anglewannabe said:
Perhaps I misread your intentions but I have vision of mom and DIL bonding over throwing all of this guy’s stuff out and him really feeling ganged up on 😛
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It won’t kill him. It is far better than a wife and mother who fight all the time. If he really wants to keep the stuff, he’ll find a place for it. It is high time he did.
 
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