GRRR! SIL undermining DH and my parenting decision!

[PRmerger]

My 16 yr old DD just returned from a special trip with my MIL (her grandmother) to visit her aunt (my husband’s sister) in another state.

It was very generous of my MIL and SIL to host my daughter and show her a grand time.

My SIL was even gracious enough to ask our permission, prior to DD’s arrival there, if she could take DD to see a movie.*

DH reviewed the movie and wrote his sister an email saying “I would prefer she not view that movie at this time. We have a hard enough time with all that she is exposed to with helping her understand and put into practice the importance of being a virtuous person.”

DD did not know about this.

But we thought that was the end of it.

So we were surprised when DD called us, from her aunt’s house saying, “Dad, can I pleeeease see .”

It was a long discussion over the phone. We reviewed the movie critiques. We wavered. In fact, I was good with relenting. DH, however, in the end, put his foot down and said No and offered another movie as an alternative.

So DD returned today from her fabulous vacation and I asked her how that conversation with her aunt had transpired. How was it that she knew that her dad had not wanted her to see ? DD responded that her aunt had told her that she wanted to take DD to see but that we had said no. Aunt apprently said, “I know this is sneaky, but why don’t you call your dad and ask him?”

Grrrr!

Should I say something to her? Should DH do it, since it’s his sister? Should I drop it?

*I would be happy to name the movie, but I really think it’s irrelevant whether it’s Movie A, rated G or Movie B rated R. Because the point is, really, that we as the parents had said no to it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Quite disappointing about your SIL, but it happens. At least they did not go see the movie, right?

I would think your husband needs to have a conversation with his sister. If she wants to have a good relationship with her niece, she needs to understand that this sort of game will cause you to lose trust in her. Especially now, at your daughter’s age, she needs EXCELLENT role models who will help her sort out what is good and right v. what the world tells her she should do.

What did DD think of what her aunt did? Have that conversation with her as well. See what she was feeling/thinking at the time and afterward.

 

[28562]

This sounds like an excellent learning opportunity for your daughter. Seems like a fine time to let her know that not everyone out there has her best interest in mind. It could also open up a great discussion about the movie, why you guys don’t approve of it and why the things you disapprove of are important to you, her development, and her future.

Perhaps you should be thankful things turned out the way they did. A lot more can be gained from this than if your in laws had just taken ‘no’ for an answer.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’d have second thoughts about her going to visit your SIL again. We let our girls stay with my wife’s brother & his family a few years ago. When I dropped them off, he said he wanted to let them watch some scary movie that his daughter had been dying to see. I told him no because it was PG-13 (our girls were 5 & 7 at the time), we hadn’t reviewed it and our girls tend to have nightmares so we’re real careful about letting them watch anything too scary. He immediately brought it up in front of the kids and told them that Uncle Gordon was being the bad guy. I told him not to do that again, then repeated my reasons for why the girls couldn’t watch the movie. Of course, he went against my wishes, although to avoid the nightmares at his house he had them watch it the following morning. When the girls had nightmares throughout the following night, I called him each and every time they woke up crying, just so he could share in the fun. As annoyed as he was, he didn’t have to put up with the rest of the fallout, as in the 2-3 weeks of the girls constantly saying, “Uncle Shawn would let us do that,” any time we told them no. He also didn’t learn anything from the experience, as the next time we talked about the girls going over there he vowed that he’d let them watch another scary movie then take his phone off the hook the next night so we couldn’t wake him. That next sleepover still hasn’t happened.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’d have second thoughts about her going to visit your SIL again. We let our girls stay with my wife’s brother & his family a few years ago. When I dropped them off, he said he wanted to let them watch some scary movie that his daughter had been dying to see. I told him no because it was PG-13 (our girls were 5 & 7 at the time), we hadn’t reviewed it and our girls tend to have nightmares so we’re real careful about letting them watch anything too scary. He immediately brought it up in front of the kids and told them that Uncle Gordon was being the bad guy. I told him not to do that again, then repeated my reasons for why the girls couldn’t watch the movie. Of course, he went against my wishes, although to avoid the nightmares at his house he had them watch it the following morning. When the girls had nightmares throughout the following night, I called him each and every time they woke up crying, just so he could share in the fun. As annoyed as he was, he didn’t have to put up with the rest of the fallout, as in the 2-3 weeks of the girls constantly saying, “Uncle Shawn would let us do that,” any time we told them no. He also didn’t learn anything from the experience, as the next time we talked about the girls going over there he vowed that he’d let them watch another scary movie then take his phone off the hook the next night so we couldn’t wake him. That next sleepover still hasn’t happened.

Serves him right!

 

[Phaedra777]

Aunt apparently said, “I know this is sneaky, but why don’t you call your dad and ask him?”

I’m going to give the aunt a pass on this one. A truly sneaky vile aunt would have gone completely behind your back, taken your daughter to the movie, with no mention of checking with Dad. She may not be perfect, but she did acknowledge your husband’s right to final say.

I’d say, pray for her conversion! She seems to have at least one toe on the path.

 

[PRmerger]

I’m going to give the aunt a pass on this one. A truly sneaky vile aunt would have gone completely behind your back, taken your daughter to the movie, with no mention of checking with Dad. She may not be perfect, but she did acknowledge your husband’s right to final say.

I’d say, pray for her conversion! She seems to have at least one toe on the path.

Oh, I give her kudos first for asking us for permission. Secondly for taking her to see a different movie.

Not to mention the entire inviting her out to see her and treating her to lots of activities.

BUT, what she did was a basic parenting no-no.

If a parent says no, I would never tell a child to ask her parents again.

It’s similar to this parenting no-no: do not ask permission in front of the child. For example, if I’m at an outing with moms and kids and we’re (kids and I) going to go for ice cream afterwards I will whisper to the moms our plans to see if they want to join us. I whisper because I am courteous and mindful of the fact that if the child hears, and the mom says no, the mom will have to deal with the whining. I don’t even leave messages on answering machines inviting kids over–in case the parent says no. It saves her from hearing the whining and the child from being disappointed.

 

[PRmerger]

What did DD think of what her aunt did? Have that conversation with her as well. See what she was feeling/thinking at the time and afterward.

Grrr! DD’s response was that she didn’t see anything wrong with what Aunt B did.

We’re having a discussion about respecting the rights of parents to make decisions, but as far as DD can see it’s all about, “I wanted to see that movie and Aunt B was on my side and she was just trying to make it happen!”

Grrrr!

 

[Phaedra777]

Grrr! DD’s response was that she didn’t see anything wrong with what Aunt B did.

We’re having a discussion about respecting the rights of parents to make decisions, but as far as DD can see it’s all about, "I wanted to see that movie and Aunt B was on my side and she was just trying to make it happen!"Grrrr!

Ah, the ego centrism of youth! I laugh a little, but I am actually on your side–parents lay down the law.

Still, the aunt did seem to concede your authority even if she did “try one more time”. Maybe reinforce that point for future reference. Does the aunt have any kids of her own?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Grrr! DD’s response was that she didn’t see anything wrong with what Aunt B did.

We’re having a discussion about respecting the rights of parents to make decisions, but as far as DD can see it’s all about, “I wanted to see that movie and Aunt B was on my side and she was just trying to make it happen!”

Grrrr!

Well, of course she’s 16 and trying to have her own way. She understands why you don’t want her to see the movie, but she wants to try out her own decisions? You’re probably not going to like me after this, but I would give her a little more freedom to make that kind of decision. At 16, she’s 2 years away from college. You can’t go to college with her - she’s going to be making all sorts of choices for herself. Let her make little mistakes. If you’ve been teaching her about media, she may end up wondering why she wasted her money after all. My 18 year old son watches awful cartoons like “Family Guy” and “American Dad.” I hate them and I try to remind him that they are filthy and amoral, but I don’t try to turn off the TV. That’s just something he’s going to have to decide for himself eventually.

But the sneaky aspect of the whole thing with your daughter has to stop. Immediately. The subversive element of what she and her aunt did is VERY destructive, partly because it IS sneaky and feels exciting to some adolescents. Your SIL has put herself in the “go-to” position for anything that requires going behind your back or tricking you (lying). That is a bad thing. It may not be anything serious and it may never turn into anything more serious than going to an R rated move. Then again, it might turn into something a lot more serious, such as getting your daughter birth control so she can have sex with her boyfriend. The sneaking can almost be an attraction of its own, to some people.

At this point, the more you hammer on it, the more your daughter and probably SIL are going to resist and think you are over-reacting. I’d have your husband speak seriously to his sister, once, reminding her that it is not her role to decide what her niece can’t or can’t see or do, and then drop it for now. But limit their time together from now on, because your SIL is showing her immaturity. Once she has kids of her own (I’m assuming she’s not a mom yet, I hope not!) she may understand.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m going to give the aunt a pass on this one. A truly sneaky vile aunt would have gone completely behind your back, taken your daughter to the movie, with no mention of checking with Dad. She may not be perfect, but she did acknowledge your husband’s right to final say.

I’d say, pray for her conversion! She seems to have at least one toe on the path.

I think this way also. Plus, if its getting to a point that every activity with the SIL has to be pre-approved, I would be reevaluating any future visits. I wouldn’t want to have to worry about constantly policing the visit, and 16 years old, that’s getting to a point she’s going to have to be trusted to make her own decisions about what movies are appropriate and which aren’t.

 

[HouseArrest]

I think this way also. Plus, if its getting to a point that every activity with the SIL has to be pre-approved, I would be reevaluating any future visits. I wouldn’t want to have to worry about constantly policing the visit, and 16 years old, that’s getting to a point she’s going to have to be trusted to make her own decisions about what movies are appropriate and which aren’t.

Yep - I agree with this as well. Also - at 16 (I have a 16yo DD, too) your daughter needs to start taking responsibility for her own decisions about which movies to see.

When my daughter wants to see a movie, we sit down, go to kids-in-mind.com, and read the information about violent and sexual content. Then I ask her if she thinks she should see it. Right now I make the final decision, but at least she is expected to put some thought into what she is actually asking to do. We have the same discussions about which parties and other events to attend.

Hopefully the next time she goes to see your SIL, there will not be an issue. Maybe she’ll nix the movie before the call.

 

[maryjk]

Yep - I agree with this as well. Also - at 16 (I have a 16yo DD, too) your daughter needs to start taking responsibility for her own decisions about which movies to see.

When my daughter wants to see a movie, we sit down, go to** kids-in-mind.com**, and read the information about violent and sexual content. Then I ask her if she thinks she should see it. Right now I make the final decision, but at least she is expected to put some thought into what she is actually asking to do. We have the same discussions about which parties and other events to attend.

Hopefully the next time she goes to see your SIL, there will not be an issue. Maybe she’ll nix the movie before the call.

:extrahappy::extrahappy: I love that site. :extrahappy::extrahappy:

We do something similar with our 16 yo son. If he wants to see a move, he comes to me with the ratings from that site or he will ask me to look it up.

Sometimes, just knowing the numbers will be enough for him to say no.

 

[Gods_Peace]

*I would be happy to name the movie, but I really think it’s irrelevant whether it’s Movie A, rated G or Movie B rated R. Because the point is, really, that we as the parents had said no to it.

It’s Greater Glory…

 

[Cristiano]

I am a control freak and I am quite sure that if my sister in law were pulling a stunt like that I would be quite annoyed. However, I would let it go for two reasons. First she did not go against your will because they did not go to the movies, second your daughter is the one that should ask for permission and if you say no and your will is not respected then she is the one in trouble. At 16 a girl should be able to resist this kind of temptations and if she is not then she should not be allowed to travel alone until she is more mature. A think that it is a little bit unfair to blame it on the SIL, she is trying to bond with your daughter and she is not sneaky to do things behind your back. Even if it might be annoying I think that her going through her brother is very normal and not a major deal.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Grrr! DD’s response was that she didn’t see anything wrong with what Aunt B did.

We’re having a discussion about respecting the rights of parents to make decisions, but as far as DD can see it’s all about, “I wanted to see that movie and Aunt B was on my side and she was just trying to make it happen!”

Grrrr!

Of course your daughter didn’t see anything wrong with her aunt’s actions. No 16-year-old sees anything wrong with behavior that has the potential for personal gain.That’s the pure essence of adolescence right there: me, me, me,me.

How old is Aunt B? If she’s under 25, I can kinda, sorta, maybe see giving her a pass on her behavior this one time because she still knows what it’s like to think like and have the wants/desires of a teenager. I’d just be sure to make it abundantly clear she’s never to undermine you like that again.

If she’s much older than 25, she’s more than adult enough to understand that her behavior undermined you guys as your daughter’s parents. She’s being extremely passive-aggressive in my thinking. “I know this is sneaky, but why don’t you ask your dad…” when she knew you’d already said no? Really? What a horrible position to but your husband in. I’d have serious reservations about her judgement and how much unrestricted/unsupervised time I allowed her around my children in the future, tell you the truth. Adults should present a united front and shouldn’t be pitted against each other.

Maybe I’m just grumpy this afternoon, but I’d be seriously, seriously angry if an adult relative pulled this stunt with my and my family.

Luna

 

[Cristiano]

…But the sneaky aspect of the whole thing with your daughter has to stop. Immediately. The subversive element of what she and her aunt did is VERY destructive, partly because it IS sneaky and feels exciting to some adolescents. Your SIL has put herself in the “go-to” position for anything that requires going behind your back or tricking you (lying). That is a bad thing. It may not be anything serious and it may never turn into anything more serious than going to an R rated move. Then again, it might turn into something a lot more serious, such as getting your daughter birth control so she can have sex with her boyfriend. The sneaking can almost be an attraction of its own, to some people.

At this point, the more you hammer on it, the more your daughter and probably SIL are going to resist and think you are over-reacting. I’d have your husband speak seriously to his sister, once, reminding her that it is not her role to decide what her niece can’t or can’t see or do, and then drop it for now. But limit their time together from now on, because your SIL is showing her immaturity. Once she has kids of her own (I’m assuming she’s not a mom yet, I hope not!) she may understand.

I personally think that you are blowing it out of proportions. First there was no lying, second if the parents are not aligned on basic elements like that then the problem is not with the aunt but with the family of origin. If the father does not stand the ground after his wife has made a decision then they are the creators of the problem and not the aunt., the aunt becomes the scapegoat of a poor family dynamics.

 

[shainski]

i agree with Luna that the aunt’s age may offer some explanation. But i will also add - “Does SIL have children of her own?”

If not, it may be a teachable moment if you tell her in a kind way that you know she is trying to be a great aunt to your kids, but someday, she may view this kind of thing differently.

 

[PRmerger]

SIL is 40 and has 2 children, boys, ages 12 and 9.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

SIL is 40 and has 2 children, boys, ages 12 and 9.

This is not good. She is acting like one of the kids. Or a slightly older sibling or cousin.

Some people just never grow up. Does she sneak around behind her husband’s back with her own kids, I wonder?

:dts: