Guilt/Shame, Sin, Self-Hatred?

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I’ve noticed a pattern. Every time I fall, I tend to go off the deep end. I stop praying, stop going to mass, adoration, etc. I think “I screwed up, what’s the point?”. I feel so unwanted, “Church is for holy people, I definitely can’t go in the state I’m in”. I push everyone away and I recoil. I think I keep trying to earn God’s love, and if that can’t be earned, then… Idk, I think I’ve realized this before, but it never sunk in. All my life it seems like I always tried to follow the rules, to please. Whenever I mess up, I just get in this terrible state with so much self-hatred. I remember as a child I would just freeze up and cry. How do I stop doing this??? There’s been so much fear these last few days, so intense and immobilizing at times. I felt like I’ve been losing my mind and I think “See what religion does to you, makes you hate yourself. Why follow a religion where if you screw up you’re a terrible person who’s condemned to hell?” Isn’t that true though? It seems like what keeps me from not sinning is the fear of self-hatred from myself and the feelings of being unloved/unwanted if I were to do those things. Seems like I’ve been in a constant state of fear of being in relationship with others because I fear I may hurt them. If I stay away and don’t get close to anyone then I can’t hurt anybody. But if I do that then I’m left alone and isolated and that drives me insane. Priest told me “Hate the sin, not the sinner”, and I seem unable to separate that. “If I did something bad, then I must be bad”, I guess that’s my mind’s logic. I felt like I’ve been losing my mind. Part of me is like “Well, if you didn’t fall you wouldn’t have gone through this”, and that makes me feel more fear from messing up again.

Am I making sense or am I crazy? Anyone else going through or gone through something similar? How do I get out of this?
 
Yes, you are not alone. My advice would be to strive to get to know the God of love and mercy. He is not a God to fear. To go from fear to love can be a long process, or, with God’s grace, happen quickly. Sure-fire means are getting very close to Our Lady, adoration, and spending time with such devotions as that of the Sacred Heart and Divine Mercy. St. Therese of Lisieux’s little way of spiritual childhood helps tremendously too. Start to focus on some of these and ask God daily to help you love, not fear. That’s what He wants, so He will do it. Be confident that He loves you and wants to lead you to His love.
 
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You may view it as many things. In my case, I view such as spiritual attacks inasmuch as they seek to deepen or widen the gulf between ourselves and God. Yet, that gulf is made by us and not by God. He offers absolute, unconditional acceptance, as long as you repent and have a contrite heart.

There is someone who greatly desires to separate you from God so that he may possess you eternally.
 
When I get low when I mess up, and am tempted to chuck it all as not being worthy, I make sure I persevere in prayer, and especially, I do not stop going to Mass. Even when I don’t fee like it. Even when in Mass, or praying the Office I think “this is a load of bunk, I just want to run out of here”, I force myself to stay & pray. Sometimes that’s when God chooses to reassure me with some special insight, or a psalm verse that seems to speak directly to me, or simply by being soothed by the chanting of the Office or the chants at Mass.

It seems to work for me…
 
God is so full of Mercy. The priest was right,you should hate the sin not the sinner. Just because you have sinned does not mean you are a bad person and will go to hell. Church is not for holy people,it is for sinners trying to serve God. You never have to earn God’s love, it was given to you when he planned your life and he will never stop loving you.
 
Do you know where you got the idea that God is waiting for you to screw up so He can go “gotcha!”

Were you actually taught that? Or is it just an idea that you picked up along the way?
 
The answer here depends on your state in life, because a teenager/young single person may not understand an analogy of loving one’s child even when the child is rebellious.

If you have loving parents, think of how they love you even when you mess up.
 
jtwp5 said:
Church is for holy people, I definitely can’t go in the state I’m in
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Wrong. Church is for sinners. The Church is a hospital for sinners. If you’re a sinner then it’s exactly where you should be.

Self-hatred is also wrong. God created you and loves you. By hating yourself, you’re hating God’s creation and hating what God loves. God doesn’t want you to do that.

It sounds like you may have some sort of psychological baggage from your childhood. Have you spoken with, or considered speaking with, a mental health professional?
 
Another name for the devil is “The Acuser”. God never accuses us or condemns us. Remember the Story of The Prodigal Son? His Father was always waiting for him and ran out to meet him? Jesus was describing how God the Father loves each of us with neverending mercy.

Think about how God came to us, as a tiny, vulnerable, humble baby. God is with us as a baby, as a toddler, as a small child, as a teenager and a young adult. Jesus came to show us who God is. Jesus is gentle, our brother, he treats us as a precious child, a precious friend. He did not come in anger, as a ruler, a dictator. That is not who God is.
 
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I completely understand the anxiety you get from this, and my priest told me that feeling of being unwanted or unwelcome is the enemy trying to lure you from God’s love and forgiveness. Everyone messes up, on purpose and on accident. It seems to me you’re beating yourself up, which is exactly what I have done. Let God’s mercy and love overpower the feeling of impurity and self-hatred!
 
jtwp,

Thanks for being so honest in your post. I’ve given much thought to posting about this myself but didn’t have the courage to do so. I believe in God. I want to believe that He loves me, and I believe He does, but I don’t know WHY! Why should He?
I have a hard time loving myself, so why should God take the time to care about me? I’m not pitying myself, believe me. I’m just laying my cards on the table. BTW, I am in therapy and treatment. I grew up in an alcoholic and mentally ill family, so my early concept of God was pretty warped… I guess that’s the basis of my difficulty believing in God’s love. But, I will say this much, I’m grateful to all of you here. You folks always offer me hope that I am in the best of Hands. Bless you all.

Stuart
 
jtwp5 said:
There’s been so much fear these last few days, so intense and immobilizing at times. I felt like I’ve been losing my mind
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As Venerable Fulton J. Sheen has said, the devil will make you think you’re going psychotic. Fear, anxiety etc all come from the enemy.

The Lies of The Evil One
The devil will tempt us in many ways. One common way the devil likes to attack us is to remind us of our sins, including those we have confessed. He loves to try to convince us that we are on the wrong path, that we are not pleasing to God, that we are liars and sinners. And while it’s true that we are sinners, the evil one always fails to see our sin through the lens of God’s Mercy. To overcome his deceptive temptations, while he reminds us of our sins, we need only to remind ourselves of the Mercy of the Heart of Jesus. As we gaze upon His Heart, we will have no fear about admitting our sin. This act of honesty will not produce anxiety, despair and doubt as the evil one desires. Instead, facing our sin in the light of the Mercy of God, will refresh us and lift our spirits, filling them with an abundance of hope (See Diary #520).

Think about the ways that the evil one may tempt you to despair over your sins. To mourn for your sins is a good and healthy act, but never in despair. Christian mourning leads to the Mercy of God, and the contrition you feel in this holy act lifts your burden and fills you with joy.

Prayer
Precious Lord, free me from the deceit and attacks of the evil one. Keep me safe, oh God, and help me to never forget the abundance of Your Mercy. As I see that Mercy, help me to daily repent of my sin so as to rob from the evil one all weapons of his malice. Jesus, I trust in You.

(Credit to my catholic life for the passage, not my work lol)
 
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