Guilty Spouse Confessing Adultery

[TLM08]

Is a spouse who has committed adultery obliged to tell his/her spouse?

The reasons why and why not and the Church’s stance if any.

Through infidelity, the explosives are packed around the sleeping family. Telling the spouse about the affair is akin to lighting the fuse. You can kiss your family goodbye… BOOM!!!

If the affair is over and there is little or no chance of it being discovered, the guilty should get thyself tested for STDs immediately and then proceed directly to the nearest confessional and beg God for grace and forgiveness. The infidel has done a horrible thing. Telling the spouse only does more damage, especially if children are involved.

The infidel should find out why they felt compelled to do such a despicable act and fix it. If the spouse confronts the guilty with evidence or even suspicion, I would at that point recommend
coming clean and begging for forgiveness. Either way, anyone who has done this needs to see a priest… IMMEDIATELY!

 

[shannyk]

I want to know how you have an affair, not tell your spouse, and have it NOT affect your relationship in SOME way that your spouse is going to pick up on.

Wives especially are going to note something ‘different’ about their husbands. There may be absolutely no evidence of an affair, but there will be something different about the person, that is inevitable and is just a part of being human and what happens to us when we sin.

So, then if asked ‘honey what’s wrong’ what is the offender going to say?

Do you keep up the charade with “oh nothing”, when the other KNOWS there is something up? Then, they start to become resentful that you won’t talk, and won’t confide in them, and then guess what, they end up wondering if you are having an affair!!

If you are confronted with this what do you do? Lie to keep the peace? Now you have dragged it out over weeks, months, years, and lied over and over again. How is that fixing anything? How has holding back from your spouse helped you both ‘move on’ from this incident?

And then, when you are confronted with it, and admit to it, HOW on earth do you explain to the person that you have been sleeping with them all this time after having slept with someone else!!

Do you then explain that you have been hiding the fact that you have been getting tested for STD’s every 3 months? Going to Dr. appointments instead of golf games or work meetings? How do you explain to them that so far you don’t think you have anything but you can’t be sure?

How do you explain to them that you didn’t think they would forgive you so you decided not to tell? What kind of trust does that show?

See, this is just a web of deceit. One lie, one omission, leads to another and another and another. It will eventually explode in your face.

So how does this ‘not telling’ thing accomplish anything but pouring salt on a gaping wound? I just don’t get it…

People can do what they want in their marriages obviously, but I think it’s really naive and frankly selfish, to think you can have and affair and not have it effect your spouse :twocents:

 

[Litcrit]

What gives me a scare right at this moment would be that I could live a happy life, in what seemed to be a happy and steadfast marriage, without knowing of cheating that had happened. That’s what scares me more than being told of cheating right after it happened or the very finding out after years. **The blissful unawareness scares me. **

Yes! Me too! More than any horrible news or betrayal or pain, just the idea of having lived a second in being blissfully unaware of a difficult truth gives me the creeps!

**It seems like people aren’t taking into account the power of GOD in a marriage as well. It takes THREE to be married. No matter what choice is made after a mistake, God will help the couple through it if they only allow Him to.

.**

good point

 

[chevalier]

It’s not a right or wrong blanket scenario. In some marriages telling would be better, in some not. And I would bet that many of us (married for almost 10 years here) really are only guessing and we may feel completely differently if anything were to ever happen:shrug:

As much as I prefer not to make ethics situational, I believe that in some situations not telling might be the better way - which does not mean that I don’t respect people’s desire not to harm the spouse with the knowledge, as far as it is genuine - but I can hardly imagine it not coming out, it not being noticed by the other spouse ever, it not affecting the marriage, it not creating a rift, a barrier, a whatever. By contrast, honesty, while it may cause someone to leave the cheating spouse, it may allow the couple to rebuild their fidelity and trust together.

I understand you don’t tell someone who will suffer a stroke for it, who will beat you, perhaps someone who has already asked never to be told, but otherwise I think not telling is problematic. It’s probably more problematic than the rightly anticipated harsh consequences of telling.

 

[fms]

Someone posted that they would tell first and then go to confession.

I would think the steps for those who decide to tell (in my mind the right thing to do) are first confession, spiritual guidance, prayer, mortification then tell.

The reason being before confession, if in sin - and as serious sin as adultery - you are not in grace, the mind is clouded and confused, and one is a slave to the sin and the devil and the devil will ‘play with you’ as he will to worsen things…

Love covers over a multitude of sins. With the help of God and with the efforts of the couple who have opened up to each other and with their renewed commitment to each other, there shouldn’t be a reason why the marriage wouldn’t go forward even more stronger than before with the couple having new knowledge about themselves (struggles and weaknesses) and what might have contributed to the straying. Also the couple then have a chance to be imitators of the Father by the forgiveness they give each other for such a serious betrayal.

fms (advocating tell for the right reasons)

 

[SMHW]

I want to know how you have an affair, not tell your spouse, and have it NOT affect your relationship in SOME way that your spouse is going to pick up on.

Wives especially are going to note something ‘different’ about their husbands. There may be absolutely no evidence of an affair, but there will be something different about the person, that is inevitable and is just a part of being human and what happens to us when we sin.
.
.
.
People can do what they want in their marriages obviously, but I think it’s really naive and frankly selfish, to think you can have and affair and not have it effect your spouse :twocents:

I agree that it’s naive and selfish to think you can have an affair and not have it effect your spouse.

But the whole scenario of this thread would seem to be a case where the adultery has not come to the attention of the non-adulterous spouse. This could be because the adulterous spouse is really good at hiding things or because the other spouse has put blinders on.

Now if the one spouse already suspects that the other is unfaithful and is probably going to learn the truth then it would seem that most of us agree that disclosure is the way to go.

But if the adultery was well concealed during the time it took place then I don’t know why it wouldn’t continue to be unnoticed once it was over. I’m not sure you can conclude that the adulterous spouse is suddenly going to START acting suspicious once repentant.

Now I do think that it’s likely that the adultery did not occur in a vacuum and that there were problems caused by both spouses. So any behavior improvements on the part of one may make the other suspicious and/or defensive. I think this is where the personalities of the parties come into play. For some couples it might be better to just work on the marriage to make it better. For others it might be better to admit the infidelity and then work on restoring the marriage.

 

[faithandhope]

I don’t know if it’s better or not. My husband recently confessed to me that he was having an affair. It’s been 4 months and it still hurts. I will never forget that day. I’m still struggling with this. He destroyed all the trust I had on him.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I don’t know if it’s better or not. My husband recently confessed to me that he was having an affair. It’s been 4 months and it still hurts. I will never forget that day. I’m still struggling with this. He destroyed all the trust I had on him.

I am very sorry to hear that, I pray you will recover from this with the grace of GOD…

But would you have preferred him to keep this a secret and somewhere down the line, let’s say 3 or 4 years after you have become parents, he does it again out of some crazy moment and then you find out that he’s had an affair since 4 years ago?
Or continue living as if nothing has happened and let’s say you go to the gyn and they tell you, you have some disease? How would you have taken that???

At least now he told you, you can work it out, and hopefully he will never do it again!!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t know if it’s better or not. My husband recently confessed to me that he was having an affair. It’s been 4 months and it still hurts. I will never forget that day. I’m still struggling with this. He destroyed all the trust I had on him.

**Is HAVING an affair, as in it is still going on? or had one and it’s OVER? Makes a big difference for your broken trust and any potential healing.

I am sorry you are going through this and I pray that you find comfort in our Lord and that He helps you through this
**

 

[Litcrit]

Through infidelity, the explosives are packed around the sleeping family. Telling the spouse about the affair is akin to lighting the fuse. You can kiss your family goodbye… BOOM!!!

:

Or you could both start work on dismantling the explosives. . If you don’t, they stay there for any random spark to ignite them…

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I think we need to add a sticky to the top of Parenting/Family Life with ALL of these polarizing issues (so new posters can know when they are about to open a big can of worms, lol)…hmmmm, what do we have so far?

1. Adultery: to tell or not to tell?
2. Marriage: (to someone) outside of the faith, or within?
3. Parents: stay at home, or work?
4. Birth: Hospital vs Home…drugs vs drug-free/natural

Ok, what are the other issues that people take sides strongly about?**

 

[iluvmybabies]

What I don’t understand is how could people whom claim to be with the love of their lives just cheat!!! What leads to such sins?
I mean I was separated before I even thought of starting over…Far from my ex emotionally, and everything else…

When I was younger I had a good friend, we dated off and on, but never serious ever…I started seeing this guy, off and on, and when my good friend found out about me talking to another guy he called me a cheater and all these other things…When I reminded him that he and I had nothing except occassional dating, he freaked out and couldn’t believe what I had said…He thought we were bf and gf on a serious relationship just because we kissed a couple of times?! So that’s not cheating?!

I thought he had serious problems…He never spoke to me again…

I dated a guy for a year, and I was “in love” with him, he even gave me a promise ring and everything…About a month before our 1 year anniversary I found out he was having sex with his bff…I confronted him about it, and he told me it was a misunderstanding and a lie…I believed him…Then a couple of days later I hear another rumor that the night before he didn’t come home not because of his sports affair, but because he snuck into his bffs house and they were sleeping together…

Of course I was raving mad…And confronted him again. He told me to stop listening to idiotic rumors, and I reminded him I was saving myself for him, and he promised he would too and having sex before marriage as both being catholics was not tolerated… duh promise ring to a hs student meant a lot back then…lol…We continued dating, I had to work so we didn’t really see each other much after school and he had sports which was ok because practice during the week kept him busy and by the time I got home he was getting home and we spent most of the night on the phone talking! So I didn’t pay attention to more rumors, until a week before our 1 year anniversary I heard how while I am on the phone with him they are having sex?! Which really hit me right at home because how would anyone know I am on the phone wiht him? SO of course I went and spoke with him in tears, he told me that his bff knows we talk all night long because he loves me that much…My parents had all ready met his parents, and talks about marriage were floating around by both accepting parents…I was excited and according to him so was he and to calm me down from that last rumor he reminded me about this…One night I fell asleep on the phone and ended up hearing a loud moan of a girl an I woke up, asking him if he was there…The phone immediately hung up so I didn’t know what that was…Now of course as an adult and after all I know, I knew what it was…

Well right on our 1 year anniversary he dumps me, just straight out right after school comes up to me and meets me in our secret area, hugs me, kisses me and makes out with me, tells me how much he loves me and can’t live without me, and how wonderful things are and how he can’t wait for me to be his wife, blah blah blah, gets me up in this high cloud and fills my heart with hope, and as we start walking, I had to walk several blocks to go to work, straight out tells me, but this is just not working out!!! I was like WHAT? AND yelled to the top of my lungs…then tells me look I do love you it’s just that…and I knew that every rumor was true…I threw the 1/4 carat promise ring to his face and told him off and told him off about his bff etc…I didn’t know what else to do…I would have forgiven him because being Catholic and loving him, obviously it would have been painful as long as he promised never to do it again and kept an honest and open relationship with me…I know deep down in my heart I would have accepted him, as long as I knew I was the one he loved and chose for marriage.
Sex would have been a bs thing compared to him choosing me as his wife!!! That would have been a lifetime commitment that no stupid affair was going to destroy nor ruin just because he wanted to be experienced for our honey moon?!

Continued…

 

[iluvmybabies]

But nope he told me he knew whom he wanted to be with and it wasn’t me, that she spent more time with him, was more affectionate, gave him loving, went to see him in all of his games, and that she was moving to the state where he was going after graduation because that’s where his scholarship was from and he needed that kind of support!!

I was very upset, heart broken, destroyed and told him everything that came out right there and then!!! The next day his “woman” rushes up on me first thing in the morning after I had slept for like 2 hours and slams me into the locker… I couldn’t believe what she was doing and spits in my face…I was upset, hurt but I had more fear in my parent’s punishment and the school’s expulsion than her so I did nothing…

A few months later her sister tried to do the same to me, but I was tired of the abuse I snapped, in the girls locker room, I pushed her so hard she flew accross the bench and slammed open another locker from the force of her fall…I didn’t care, perhaps it was wrong, but I was not getting picked on by another person just because they felt they could. I was going to defend myself and defend myself I did! She never bothered me again and this that this girl was a fullfigured girl about 5’9 and I am only 5’5 and back then weighed around 115 lbs…It was pretty funny though, sorry…But I felt good about myself not doing anything else to her nor her sister…

I still couldn’t understand why he chose to cheat, if he would have asked me to spend more time with him instead of working all hours after school, I would have worked a few less, if he would have told me he wanted me there to all of his games I would have been there, instead the agreement made was “oh honey I need you to work and make that money sweetie, I will be fine, just come see me on weekends and that’s all I need from you!” SO I took his words seriously and honestly and would see him all weekend long!! Maybe if this boy would have communicated better then this girl would have known what was wanted and would have had the chance of being with this person…

So if a man/husband wants something more from his wife, obviously communication is the key at succeeding in a marriage. But if a husband stays with his mouth shut and runs to someone else for help and advice of the opposite sex or even their bff that are from the same sex then they leave an opening for bffs to hook them up for something “BETTER” or friends of the opposite sex will be willing to be the “BETTER” thing they need…

Because still to this day I can’t understand nor begin to comprehend why would someone cheat on a person they say they love?!

 

[iamrefreshed]

I don’t know if it’s better or not. My husband recently confessed to me that he was having an affair. It’s been 4 months and it still hurts. I will never forget that day. I’m still struggling with this. He destroyed all the trust I had on him.

I’m so terribly sorry faithandhope. I would highly recommed Retrouvaille.

retrouvaille.org

 

[iluvmybabies]

Now as I am in another relationship and things are like tumbling down because of his family, and I have postponed our marriage until things get a little better or tomorrow our counselor helps us out on this situation in order for me to make a right and most positive decision; if he were to ever cheat on me outside of marriage or inside I don’t think I would be able to handle it…

I know I would have to forgive but I would not be able to forget, nor get over it…Even after years I know I will think once in a while and probably bring it up and be like “so did you like her better than me? What did you like about her? Why did you do it? What did she have that I didn’t? I knew you wanted her the moment you laid eyes on her!? Why would you do this to me?! Would you have forgiven me if I would have done it to you?! Would you forgive me now if I “accidentally” do it to you?!” It would be never ending for me…

I know with prayer and going to church often eventually I would be able to live with myself but I wouldn’t be able to trust him, nor to be able to make love with him, nor even accept him near me nor touching me, the thought of seeing his facial expressions, nor feeling his kisses would make me feel uncomfortable because I would imagine those were the same things he did with her and the same feeling he gave her…Not something easily to over come nor live with… I wouldn’t know how to live with my husband after all that. I mean I will be faithful, have been faithful and love him enough to continue being faithful and only allowing him to be with me mind, body and soul united as one through Holy Matrimony, if it’s God’s will of course, and to think that special bond was destroyed because he was mad at me, bored, tired, drunk, sad, or any other reason simply destroys me…

I have gone out with db several times, we have hit some billiards and bowling alleys and always he ends up sneaking around getting extra drinks, yes we drink occassionally but he goes over board before I realize he’s intoxicated, it’s not healthy for him obviously and since it’s occassional it doesn’t really bother me, what bothers me is that it impairs him to take care of me, men end up grabbing on me and I end up wacking people because of that, so while I am running around chasing him there are other men trying to take advantage that my man is not even paying attention…It upsets me so much, and when I tell him all he says “I am speaking with the bouncer so he knows that if any other man touches you he will get smacked!!” And if I drinking with a bit happy mood in me, not willing to accept the whole “hey baby let’s have fun tonight” from strange men, let alone my db, why would it be difficult for him to do the same, keep himself for me only? You know?!

It would break me…I would heal if he were out of my life completely or at least for a while give me some space you know until I felt ready or something, but if I were to stay with him I probably would go insane and never recover…Maybe down the road after several months or years if he was really sorry and repented and wanted to try again and I was the one he was interested in I would consider it since a love like ours is hard to find you know, but other wise I probably just move on…

 

[sanctamaria17]

**I think we need to add a sticky to the top of Parenting/Family Life with ALL of these polarizing issues (so new posters can know when they are about to open a big can of worms, lol)…hmmmm, what do we have so far?

1. Adultery: to tell or not to tell?
2. Marriage: (to someone) outside of the faith, or within?
3. Parents: stay at home, or work?
4. Birth: Hospital vs Home…drugs vs drug-free/natural

Ok, what are the other issues that people take sides strongly about?**

1. Nourishment: Breast or Bottle?
2. School: Catholic, Public, Homeschool?
3. College: Necessary or not? Parents pay or not?
4. Politics: Don’t even get me started on this one, especially in light of the recent election.
5. All the banned topics like circumcision, vaccinations, etc.
6. Dating: early or later? Dating or courtship? Does love involve any “feelings”?

Sorry Malia, but there are so many!

OK, back to topic.

 

[faithandhope]

I am very sorry to hear that, I pray you will recover from this with the grace of GOD…

But would you have preferred him to keep this a secret and somewhere down the line, let’s say 3 or 4 years after you have become parents, he does it again out of some crazy moment and then you find out that he’s had an affair since 4 years ago?
Or continue living as if nothing has happened and let’s say you go to the gyn and they tell you, you have some disease? How would you have taken that???

At least now he told you, you can work it out, and hopefully he will never do it again!!

We’ve been married for 21 years. Have 2 children. He confessed when he knew that it was over between them. He said he couldn’t live lying to me anymore and knowing that it was wrong what he had done. You might be right and time will only tell and heal. Thanks.
God bless you
Please pray for me.

 

[faithandhope]

**Is HAVING an affair, as in it is still going on? or had one and it’s OVER? Makes a big difference for your broken trust and any potential healing.

I am sorry you are going through this and I pray that you find comfort in our Lord and that He helps you through this
**

When he confessed it he was ready to end the affair. I wouldn’t be with him if he was still in this affair. It may make a difference of my broken trust, but the pain it still the same. Thanks for your prayers.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

When he confessed it he was ready to end the affair.

I wouldn’t be with him if he was still in this affair. It may make a difference of my broken trust, but the pain it still the same.

I’m sorry, i didn’t mean to imply that you should hurt any less if it was over…I just meant that there is no way to repair that broken trust if he is still having the affair because obviously he would not be trustworthy at all. If he has ended it and is committed to fixing your marriage and making reparations to you then I pray that you both allow God’s Grace to help you heal.

Thanks for your prayers.

 

[hurtandhealing]

Is a spouse who has committed adultery obliged to tell his/her spouse?

The reasons why and why not and the Church’s stance if any.

I wonder how many people here have experienced infidelity in their marriage. I have. My husband of 11 years had an 8 month affair. We have been in recovery for almost 6 months.

The betrayed spouse has a RIGHT to know. This is not optional. Of course he/she has to be able to test for and watch for STDs. (Within 6 months of last exposure, one can be cleared from all STDs except HPV. There is no definitive test for it. If the betrayed spouse if female, she will need to monitor for cervical cancer.) When I started to suspect an affair, one thing I told my husband was that I need to be able to test for it. As each other’s only partner, I have never been regular in keeping up PAPs as I just didn’t have to worry about it. Unfortunately, he chose to continue the lie.

Also, there is a problem in the relationship which needs to be addressed whenever there is an affair. The involved spouse has no right to determine that this does not need to be worked on. The betrayed spouse has a right to decide about it.

There certainly is a risk of the marriage coming to an end with the revelation. However, this is not due to the confession, but to the affair itself. Again, the betrayed spouse has the right to be able to decide this. While this was my husband’s only affair, there was a different incident (which was similar although not adultery in any way), years ago. He not only did not tell me about it at the time, but he also lied to me about it. By doing so, he ROBBED me of my right to know where things were in our marriage. I would have insisted on counseling and we wouldn’t be in the place we are today.

An analogy is “walls and windows.” While an affair is going on, the involved spouse puts up walls between him/herself and the betrayed spouse, while opening up windows with the affair partner. This is a very dangerous place for a marriage. If the involved spouse does not tell his/her spouse, not only does the wall remain up, but the windows can never open completely. Even if the affair is over, there is still a window open with the affair partner that is closed to the spouse.

As long as the affair is hidden, the marriage cannot be healthy, even if it continues for a lifetime.