Guilty Spouse Confessing Adultery

[fms]

Is a spouse who has committed adultery obliged to tell his/her spouse?

The reasons why and why not and the Church’s stance if any.

 

[kage_ar]

The Church has no teaching on this matter. The person who has committed this sin should seek a good Confessor. The Priest has seen others down this road and can best advise.

 

[chevalier]

No official stance, at least there doesn’t seem to be anything that would be binding. There are arguments for and against and I’ve seen arguments against coming from good people, including a priest I knew and respected. Those arguments come down to harm done to the spouse by such an admission. An additional factor may be the reasons why we’d tell - that would be to obtain forgiveness and take off the load. The cost to pay would be the spouse’s. On the other hand, arguments in favour are based on honesty, sometimes people talk about the “right to know”, I can also think of potential destructive effects of bottling it in on someone, as well as the effects of not being able to look someone in the face for years, hiding a shameful fact. The best way would probably be to ask the priest in confession.

 

[jmcrae]

Is a spouse who has committed adultery obliged to tell his/her spouse?

The reasons why and why not and the Church’s stance if any.

Caveat: this is my personal opinion only.

Only tell on yourself if you have acquired some kind of disease that would be passed on to your spouse that would make them wonder why you are avoiding having sex with them - or if you have fathered/given birth to a child that is not your spouse’s child. (Or if your lover is going to blackmail you.)

Otherwise, repent quietly, return to your spouse, and amend your ways without discussing the subject. Nothing good can come of talking about it - just get your act together and become the good spouse you meant to be when you got married in the first place.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Caveat: this is my personal opinion only.

Only tell on yourself if you have acquired some kind of disease that would be passed on to your spouse that would make them wonder why you are avoiding having sex with them - or if you have fathered/given birth to a child that is not your spouse’s child. (Or if your lover is going to blackmail you.)

Otherwise, repent quietly, return to your spouse, and amend your ways without discussing the subject. Nothing good can come of talking about it - just get your act together and become the good spouse you meant to be when you got married in the first place.

Totally agree. Confessing to a spouse only serves to unburden some of your guilt and only hurts them. Just move on and be better to your spouse. After taking this to your confessor of course.

 

[fms]

No official stance, at least there doesn’t seem to be anything that would be binding. There are arguments for and against and I’ve seen arguments against coming from good people, including a priest I knew and respected. Those arguments come down to harm done to the spouse by such an admission. An additional factor may be the reasons why we’d tell - that would be to obtain forgiveness and take off the load. The cost to pay would be the spouse’s. On the other hand, arguments in favor are based on honesty, sometimes people talk about the “right to know”, I can also think of potential destructive effects of bottling it in on someone, as well as the effects of not being able to look someone in the face for years, hiding a shameful fact. The best way would probably be to ask the priest in confession.

I like your answer Chevalier. But what if the offender is not Catholic who has no recourse to confession? For Catholics we have the added help of spiritual guidance and the forgiveness of sins in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I personally belief since ‘they become one body’ they should be ‘no secrets’ between spouses and actually opening up may lead to finding out why the spouse strayed in the first place.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I like your answer Chevalier. But what if the offender is not Catholic who has no recourse to confession? For Catholics we have the added help of spiritual guidance and the forgiveness of sins in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I personally belief since ‘they become one body’ they should be ‘no secrets’ between spouses and actually opening up may lead to finding out why the spouse strayed in the first place.

The offender could still seek wise counsel. It could be with a pastor or other mature, trustworthy person.

The comment about finding out why the spouse strayed in the first place seems like seeking to blame the victim. I totally agree with jmcrae. She offers a few senarios one should consider e.g. STDs so the victim can protect herself.

 

[JustinR]

I vote don’t tell.

My ex had a affair soon after my son was born, I knew about that one at the time, and forgave. Then when he was 3 we were together for a year trying to be a family, I trusted her, then she left us for good and I have been my son’s sole/only parent ever since. Recently I found out that her affair lasted much much much longer and never was over even when we were together.
Even though it happened years ago, its the deceit , knowing every day we were together it was all a lie. I wish I had not been told that her affair kept going. I would have liked to believe she really tried. I rather not know that I was made a fool of.

 

[KCtheMommy]

What is this idea that telling will bring you CLOSER together and using the sacrament as poof of doing so?

Although we keep saying don’t tell - go ahead and do it – test your theory about closeness…

But for Pete’s sake WE ARE TELLING YOU –

you do and you’ll drive a wedge that can never, ever, be repaired. It can be bridged, it can be swept under the rug occasionally, but it’ll sit there forever.

Forget it. Keep your mouth shut. If not, don’t say you weren’t warned.

 

[tilly1]

You may want to tell to assuage your guilt

Dont

Your cross is waiting - carry it if you truly love your family

It will pass, not totally but it will

 

[turtle18]

Maybe you need to put the shoe on the other foot. If your spouse cheated on you, would you feel better if you didn’t know; or would you feel you would want to know?

There is always the possibility your spouse will find out from another source (say the other person involved or someone else who knew about it.)

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I’m in the “seek wise counsel and don’t tell unless necessary” group.

And no I would not want to know.

Here’s the logic: IF IT WAS ME (and it is not at present) the offending party gets to unburden themselves to me. I am then supposed to forgive them. I would insist on heavy-duty counseling as just a starter. Not only do I as a Christian have to work toward forgiving this somehow (not necessarily staying together), but I am burdened with this knowledge for the rest of my life. It leaks out very often in this scenario to the kids, who either don’t understand or understand too well. I didn’t do it. I didn’t choose to do it. The kids didn’t do it. I could very well be a completely innocent victim (and was in my previous marriage), but now he feels better for unburdening himself!

In the “don’t tell” scenario, the offending spouse gets wise counsel. he or she breaks off hte affair, repents, and never does it again. He or she courageously bears this secret the rest of his or her life. The innocent spouse isn’t hurt. The kids aren’t hurt. Only the offending party carries this to his or her grave.

Very definitely the latter option!

 

[PaulinVA]

I’m of the belief that the other partner should know.

How many other people in the community know? Even if it’s a secret, it could come out.

If you love your spouse, you will let them know, and you will work towards repairing the damage. And, the damage has been done, even the if the offended spouse doesn’t know.

Fromn yesterday’s second reading:

“Brothers and sisters:
You are God’s building.
According to the grace of God given to me,
like a wise master builder I laid a foundation,
and another is building upon it.
But each one must be careful how he builds upon it,
for no one can lay a foundation other than the one that is there,
namely, Jesus Christ.”

If, in your sacramental marriage, you commit adultery and then lie about for the rest of your life, I can’t see how that is building carefully.

Don’t commit adultery! If you do, you must confess it and you must tell your spouse. Anything less is building the rest of your life on deceit.

 

[kevinsgirl]

If you know there is a possibility you may have contracted a disease (and with every affair I think there is a good chance) then you need to refrain from relations with your spouse until you know that you have not contracted anything. This may lead to some questioning on the part of your spouse–questions that you should answer truthfully.

 

[thomfra]

Forget it. Keep your mouth shut. If not, don’t say you weren’t warned.

I agree totally. The deed is done. Don’t make it worse. Keep your mouth shut and get on with life. I certainly wouldn’t want to know if my spouse made a mistake with somebody and regretted it. How would this help me? Not one bit I should imagine.

Obviously it’s different if you have an ongoing affair with somebody and you don’t love your spouse. Then you owe it to let them get on with their own lives (with or without you).

 

[fms]

That’s why couples intending to marry should discuss what would happen if there was an infidelity in their marriage.

Also how about the guilty party posing a hypothetical question to the other spouse: ‘If I were unfaithful ‘honey’, would you want to know?’ Then using the answer as part of the consideration.

Pray, seek counsel, forgive, love your spouse till death do you part

 

[iamrefreshed]

Is a spouse who has committed adultery obliged to tell his/her spouse?

The reasons why and why not and the Church’s stance if any.

They only have to tell if they want the rest of their marriage to be based on honesty and they don’t want to manipulate their spouse.

 

[jmcrae]

They only have to tell if they want the rest of their marriage to be based on honesty and they don’t want to manipulate their spouse.

In a perfect world, this might be true. (I’m not seeing where anyone is manipulating their spouse, though, if they don’t tell. )

The real end result is that you hurt your spouse in the deepest possible way, and then there is no way to fix it. You can’t undo the fact that you cheated. All you can do is stop cheating, and start treating your spouse with the love and respect that you promised in your marriage vows.

And actually, I think telling that you cheated would be a kind of manipulation - if you were a better provider, or, if you were a better housekeeper, or, if you were more careful to take care of your appearance, or, whatever else it was that was “their fault” that you “had to cheat” - but, no - unless one of the situations I mentioned before is present, just zip it and then clean up your act.

 

[fms]

The more I think about it, the more I lean to must tell…

From when we were young and we wronged someone, we were told to ask pardon from the one we injured.

Adultery wrongs the innocent spouse on so many levels:

Justice

Lying

Disruption of conjugal life and family life

Etc.

Guilty party must seek forgiveness from the wronged spouse

 

[SMHW]

The more I think about it, the more I lean to must tell…

From when we were young and we wronged someone, we were told to ask pardon from the one we injured.

Adultery wrongs the innocent spouse on so many levels:

Justice

Lying

Disruption of conjugal life and family life

Etc.

Guilty party must seek forgiveness from the wronged spouse

The problem is that you left out one of the additional wrongs: trust. In my opinion the duty of the unfaithful spouse is first to the marriage and secondly to the wronged spouse. (Ideally there is no difference but in reality there probably is.) Assuming that there is no issue with disease, finances, out-of-wedlock children, etc, I think trust is probably most important to the marriage.

Trust can be further harmed by disclosure. Now others have already mentioned some of the times when failure to disclose can cause great harm. And if the innocent spouse learns about the infidelity one his/her own then trust can be even more severely harmed.

The problem is that the unfaithful partner is usually not in the best place to understand whether disclosing the infidelity or keeping it quiet will be of greater harm to the marriage. That is why it is usually a good idea for a trusted outsider to the marriage (for instance, a confessor) to aid the guilty party in making a decision.