Guilty Spouse Confessing Adultery

[JustinR]

just my guess, but I think if you poll the people who have experienced having a spouse confess their affair to them you would find that most would say the telling added to the distrust and caused more problems going forth in ther marriiage. I know I wish she had not told me.

If you hate your spouse for a day or a week and have fleeting thoughts that wish you weren’t married to them Do you tell them that, and then apologize later??. Or do you realize that by saying anything that you cause irrepairable harm?? It doesn’t help if you tell him that you wish you had not married him, then a few days later say you didn’t mean it. Instead if you feel that you keep it to yourself, you don’t say anything about your sinful thoughts and try to be a better spouse.

As jmcrae said ‘in a perfect world’ forgiveness and saving the marriage would work out perfectly. But as humans we do hold on to things,. by telling you add a permanant harmful factor to the relationship that you can never get rid of. The affair was one hurt, by telling you make it permanent.

Think about when 2 people marry and one or both have a “history”. they usually at most tell in general or a little bit about their past, that is usually all the other person wants to hear. We do not want to know details of their past, we do want to hear that the other person was with another. Mentally we know they were but we still do not want to really know about it. You could argue one situation is before vows and one is after vows. But I think human nature is the same after vows. some things we do not want to be made aware of because it turns our world upside down.

I would differ with SMHW in letting a confessor or advisor steer you one way or the other, just my bias against people who tell others what to do and do not have to live with the consequenses. I have just found conselors to have their own bias in telling people what to do, even a priests whos knee-jerk solution to a troubled marriage said divorrce is best and move on with life, with no attempt to help or even try to understand the situation.

 

[fms]

Jesus said, ‘everything hidden will be revealed’. And do not think in the next life.

Britney Spears tried to fool us all that she was a virgin at the time she wasn’t. Who revealed? The very people involved in the lie.

These things have a way of coming out.

Cf. Sirach 23:

18 And the man who dishonors his marriage bed and says to himself “Who can see me? Darkness surrounds me, walls hide me; no one sees me; why should I fear to sin?” Of the Most High he is not mindful,
19
fearing only the eyes of men; He does not understand that the eyes of the LORD, ten thousand times brighter than the sun, Observe every step a man takes and peer into hidden corners.
20
He who knows all things before they exist still knows them all after they are made.
21
6 Such a man will be punished in the streets of the city; when he least expects it, he will be apprehended.
22
So also with the woman who is unfaithful to her husband and offers as heir her son by a stranger.
23
7 First, she has disobeyed the law of the Most High; secondly, she has wronged her husband; Thirdly, in her wanton adultery she has borne children by another man.
24
8 Such a woman will be dragged before the assembly, and her punishment will extend to her children;
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Her children will not take root; her branches will not bring forth fruit.
26
She will leave an accursed memory; her disgrace will never be blotted out.
27
Thus all who dwell on the earth shall know, and all who inhabit the world shall understand, That nothing is better than the fear of the LORD, nothing more salutary than to obey his commandments.

What the intentions are to tell are important as well. Just coming out to unburden yourself would not be a good intention. But true sorrow and a firm purpose of amendment would be good.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

What the intentions are to tell are important as well. Just coming out to unburden yourself would not be a good intention.** But true sorrow and a firm purpose of amendment would be good**.

**And can be accomplished through Confession.

If the risk of the spouse finding out about the cheating/affair are low, telling them about it can bring about more harm than good. But that apparently doesn’t matter, you have already made up your mind.**

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

And can be accomplished through Confession.

If the risk of the spouse finding out about the cheating/affair are low, telling them about it can bring about more harm than good. But that apparently doesn’t matter, you have already made up your mind.

Ditto. Do what you want, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

And BTW- Catholics do not rely soley on Scripture, and do not utilize it in this manner. You are twisting what was a metaphor for the Children of Israel to try to prove you are right about causing more harm than good.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Ditto. Do what you want, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

And BTW- Catholics do not rely soley on Scripture, and do not utilize it in this manner. You are twisting what was a metaphor for the Children of Israel to try to prove you are right about causing more harm than good.

Ditto. Ditto.

It’s your funeral.

(Is that Taps I hear playing for the death of any trust this marriage had?)

Don’t say we didn’t warn you though.

 

[chevalier]

you do and you’ll drive a wedge that can never, ever, be repaired. It can be bridged, it can be swept under the rug occasionally, but it’ll sit there forever.

Is there no wedge by the act itself or by the secrecy? I am not attacking your position. I am not decided on this issue, as much as I can think of several good arguments in favour of each position. I would like to find some conclusions.

just my guess, but I think if you poll the people who have experienced having a spouse confess their affair to them you would find that most would say the telling added to the distrust and caused more problems going forth in ther marriiage. I know I wish she had not told me.

Telling added to the distrust? So the distrust would have been lesser if the betrayed spouse had found on his own and learnt the other had been keeping it secret?

If you hate your spouse for a day or a week and have fleeting thoughts that wish you weren’t married to them Do you tell them that, and then apologize later??. Or do you realize that by saying anything that you cause irrepairable harm?? It doesn’t help if you tell him that you wish you had not married him, then a few days later say you didn’t mean it. Instead if you feel that you keep it to yourself, you don’t say anything about your sinful thoughts and try to be a better spouse.

No, you don’t tell that, but the analogy isn’t full.

As jmcrae said ‘in a perfect world’ forgiveness and saving the marriage would work out perfectly. But as humans we do hold on to things,. by telling you add a permanant harmful factor to the relationship that you can never get rid of. The affair was one hurt, by telling you make it permanent.

Is not the lack of a wound predicated on a lie or at least a dirty secret then?

Think about when 2 people marry and one or both have a “history”. they usually at most tell in general or a little bit about their past, that is usually all the other person wants to hear. We do not want to know details of their past, we do want to hear that the other person was with another. Mentally we know they were but we still do not want to really know about it. You could argue one situation is before vows and one is after vows. But I think human nature is the same after vows. some things we do not want to be made aware of because it turns our world upside down.

Before vows it may matter somehow, but there is no betrayal involved. Also, while one may presuppose some turbulent past on the part of the spouse, one does not normally presuppose that his spouse of many years has cheated a couple of times. Contrary, we presume faithfulness.

I would differ with SMHW in letting a confessor or advisor steer you one way or the other, just my bias against people who tell others what to do and do not have to live with the consequenses. I have just found conselors to have their own bias in telling people what to do, even a priests whos knee-jerk solution to a troubled marriage said divorrce is best and move on with life, with no attempt to help or even try to understand the situation.

Divorce is never the best and certainly not a good answer to betrayal. Separation is allowed by canon law and there’s no reason to make it divorce in civil law in so far as the given civil law enables civil separation. Even though separation is allowed, however, it is still discouraged and forgiveness is encouraged. Perhaps the priest who reacted so strongly was dealing with a situation of abuse in addition to betrayal?

 

[KCtheMommy]

Is there no wedge by the act itself or by the secrecy? I am not attacking your position. I am not decided on this issue, as much as I can think of several good arguments in favour of each position. I would like to find some conclusions.

Well sure there is a wedge, but only the sinner carries it. It’s a wedge in their own heart for their own sin. I think if you do cheat on your spouse and barring any circumstances that FORCE you to reveal the truth – you should carry the burden and suffer.

Really, confession only serves to help unburden the sinner. That’s why it belongs in ACTUAL confession, not in the heart or in the soul of the person you have betrayed.

IMO

If my DH cheated I would not ever want to know. I would not want to know. I could die a happy woman that way.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Is there no wedge by the act itself or by the secrecy? I am not attacking your position. I am not decided on this issue, as much as I can think of several good arguments in favour of each position. I would like to find some conclusions.

**
Ok, this is going to seem like a really lame comparison (and it is, lol) but bear with me.

You borrow your dad’s beloved classic car. He made you wait years before he would trust you with it. Then that day finally comes. You’re out driving and you do something STUPID…let’s say you decide to talk on your cell phone and distracts you enough for you to get into an accident.

You KNOW what you did wrong, you KNOW you will never do it again. You get the car repaired into the exact mint condition it was in… you bring it home to dad.

Do you tell him you wrecked his car be because of your own stupidity? Maybe. But why? You know what you did, vow never to repeat the same mistake, and have repaired all damage. telling him would only cause him hurt and anger and cause him to lose trust in you and damage the relationship.

Now, like I said, it’s not even a close comparison to a marriage. And most likely even if you did tell your dad he would eventually forgive you and you could earn back his trust. But wrecking his car was not personal. Cheating is personal. Even if the cheated-on-spouse has done NOTHING to cause the other to stray, they will think they did. So not only are you damaging the their trust in you but also their view of themselves. Now they have two things that are broken.

Now, the whole “not telling” in the case of cheating ONLY works if it is sincerely being used to spare the other spouse from more hurt and the marriage from destruction. NOT to convince yourself that what you did wasn’t that bad or that he/she doesn’t deserve to know. Etc.**

 

[chevalier]

Well sure there is a wedge, but only the sinner carries it. It’s a wedge in their own heart for their own sin. I think if you do cheat on your spouse and barring any circumstances that FORCE you to reveal the truth – you should carry the burden and suffer.

Hmm… But isn’t the blissful ignorance somewhat of a lie?

If my DH cheated I would not ever want to know. I would not want to know. I could die a happy woman that way.

I’d rather know than find out, though I’d understand the reasons for not telling me if they were such as not to harm me. On the other hand, though, I’d rather be told and deal with it than have the other person deal with years of suffering and not being able to look me in the eye or to be happy.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

On the other hand, though, I’d rather be told and deal with it than have the other person deal with years of suffering and not being able to look me in the eye or to be happy.

** What if it made your spouse truly appreciate who you are and what you mean to them and they spent the rest of your married lives treating you like a king and showing you the love in their heart?

If they were truly repentant and wanted to repair the damage they would work on becoming the spouse you deserve, the one that reflects God’s great Love. If it guaranteed a better marriage, would you be ok with not knowing?
**

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

If my DH cheated I would not ever want to know. I would not want to know. I could die a happy woman that way.

Not that he would, but I feel the same way about my DH.

My ex was not discreet. I had not one, but three of his “quickies” tell me. It was information I could have done without. And when confronted with it, Ex just more or less “Oh well…” It wasn’t my weight because I was a scrawny thing at the time. It wasn’t that I refused him children. It wasn’t that I refused him his marital rights. According to him, it was just opportunity, and he’d never had the time to have a real adolesence (oh please). He felt so
much
better
after I found out.Each time he told me that.

I did not feel so well. He is indeed fortunate he doesn’t know me now. I might not get viscious, but I might certainly slip and land against him, accidentally hurting parts of him that might hurt easily.

That’s another thing to consider. Remember Lorraine Bobbit! Not all women take things well- or men for that matter.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

I’d want to be told. I’d want my spouse to trust me enough to tell me anything. The vow is “until death do us part” and I’ll mean that sincerely. And if it is even to unburden oneself while wishing to be honest [as opposed to perhaps be spiteful, but that isn’t the topic at hand] I would encourage it.

Haven’t you ever heard the stories where the children aren’t punished because they ate a cookie before dinner, but they’re punished since they lied about it?

You are making the assumption that keeping this terrible lie will make everything better. Bottling up things doesn’t make them go away, or make things better. Think about how terrible a Catholic must feel, having cheated and realized what he/she had done? One goes to Confession, but then they face their spouse. They tell them everyday “I love you” and in making love say the same with their bodies- but they keep this from them? You don’t tell your other half what is possibly your darkest secret and directly affected said other half?

I understand there’s no bind that you must tell, but I assume it would be helpful. After the initial reaction of pain and hurt and anger, wouldn’t there be a slight relief that you were properly told? That they apologized and asked forgiveness and confessed to you?

 

[PaulinVA]

I will tell you ladies this - if you cheated on me, ended the affair, and never told me, and I found out one day, I would divorce you.

If you came to me at the time and asked for forgiveness, I would give it to you.

The difference is, it is my decision whether to stay with you after you cheat. If you do not give me the courtesy of making that decision and remaining with you voluntarily, then every day you are living a lie. Every day that you kiss me and tell me you love me you are lying to me, because you are not faithful to me. If you do not allow me to stay with you by my own decision, knowing all of the facts, then when I find out, you will be out.

I’m sorry, I’m usually much nicer and conciliatory, but I just can’t imagine living with someone who lied to me and led me to believe I had a good marriage when I didn’t.

 

[chevalier]

Ok, this is going to seem like a really lame comparison (and it is, lol) but bear with me.

---

It’s not lame, it’s a good one.

**

Do you tell him you wrecked his car be because of your own stupidity? Maybe. But why? You know what you did, vow never to repeat the same mistake, and have repaired all damage. telling him would only cause him hurt and anger and cause him to lose trust in you and damage the relationship.

**

---

I’m not sure. I might, given that breaking an expensive car is an extraordinary event. On the other hand, there are situations when you theoretically do some damage, say you put a non-original document in the shredder by accident, but you are in possession of another copy or you can print it out again and put it where it is now missing from. Fessing up harms you, repairs nothing, damage done is irrelevant and completely repaired and the loss of trust or the shame you’d collect in return for admitting it would be disproportionate. I can honestly say I wouldn’t fess up (I actually did that once and didn’t tell)… it would seem rather stupid to me, although I wouldn’t lie if asked.

**

Cheating is personal. Even if the cheated-on-spouse has done NOTHING to cause the other to stray, they will think they did. So not only are you damaging the their trust in you but also their view of themselves. Now they have two things that are broken.

**

---

Hmm… I think not every spouse betrayed will think he somehow caused the betrayal. Protecting someone’s trust in me by hiding the fact I had betrayed that trust would feel rather hypocritical to me. I also think bottling up may be damaging in the long run and the secret may turn into a wall emotionally separating the spouses. What is more, I think a conscientous person will be able to be read from face expression, tone of voice and other such non-verbal signals. The hidden guilt will show. Also, lying may be involved in the cover-up, which I do not believe to be permissible.

**

Now, the whole “not telling” in the case of cheating ONLY works if it is sincerely being used to spare the other spouse from more hurt and the marriage from destruction. NOT to convince yourself that what you did wasn’t that bad or that he/she doesn’t deserve to know. Etc.

**

True.

 

[Katie1723]

** What if it made your spouse truly appreciate who you are and what you mean to them **?

If my spouse truly appreciated me and what I meant, the adultery would not have occured in the first place.

Kathy

 

[chevalier]

** What if it made your spouse truly appreciate who you are and what you mean to them and they spent the rest of your married lives treating you like a king and showing you the love in their heart?**

I’d feel better about that if I knew of the circumstances of the change of heart that led to that change of act, paradoxically. But you do need to take into consideration that I’m different from the normal person, especially when it comes to emotions.

**

If they were truly repentant and wanted to repair the damage they would work on becoming the spouse you deserve, the one that reflects God’s great Love. If it guaranteed a better marriage, would you be ok with not knowing?

**

I’d rather know, although as I said, I could understand not telling, upon discovery. I am also nearly completely confident that I would find out about it. I sense guilt pretty well, I spot liars, I would definitely detect a heartbreak-causing amount of bottled-up guilt, if I can spot even a little disturbance in a person’s general emotional state. All so much more if I knew the person as well as a hypothetical wife.

But I suppose you need to take into account that my life experience has shaped me in such a way that secrets creep me out more than betrayal and return does.

Now, I would certainly not want to know details (that is if I preserved my right mind). I do not even believe that the betrayed spouse is entitled to such. And details are anything more than the mere fact cheating has occurred.

If my spouse truly appreciated me and what I meant, the adultery would not have occured in the first place.

Kathy

That is correct, but some situations make it more evident than others. Sometimes cheating is contributed to by factors like weakness on the part of the one who cheated, estrangement with the one cheated on, closeness with the one cheated with. Cheating is still cheating, but the extent to which it was caused by lack of appreciation for the cheated-on spouse is different - smaller.

You are making the assumption that keeping this terrible lie will make everything better. Bottling up things doesn’t make them go away, or make things better. Think about how terrible a Catholic must feel, having cheated and realized what he/she had done? One goes to Confession, but then they face their spouse. They tell them everyday “I love you” and in making love say the same with their bodies- but they keep this from them? You don’t tell your other half what is possibly your darkest secret and directly affected said other half?

I would not like anyone to feel that way. I wouldn’t like anyone to live in a happiness that may be destroyed with every coming day by the secret coming into daylight.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

If my spouse truly appreciated me and what I meant, the adultery would not have occured in the first place.

Kathy

**Obviously… but people DO make mistakes. People can have horrible marriages that turn into amazing ones. Sure they should all start out wonderful, but that’s not always the case:shrug:
**

 

[fms]

Chevalier,

I just love your train of thought…

 

[Katie1723]

Cheating is still cheating, …

You should have quit while you were ahead. Cheating is cheating is cheating…period…no excuse.

Kathy

 

[fms]

ProLifeTeen and PaulinVA I like your threads too…