**The thing that really stands out to me here is an issue of control, not what is in the best interest of the marriage.
If she told him it would be his decision to stay or not. She gave up any rights when she cheated on him.
Well put Malia
Here’s what I am saying – you would still have a GOOD marriage. A sin/betrayal was committed during the course of a “good marriage” but it ended and your wife stayed with you. Because she LOVES YOU. She didn’t want to hurt you, so she didn’t tell you. After all she chose you – even during the affair – and that says a LOT right there.
**
In my personal experience, my parish priest told me not to tell of my indiscretion when I went to confession for it. But, my counselor told me the opposite. My personal verdict is a blend of the two. Yes, you probably should tell your spouse that you have been unfaithful period (at least once), but the quantity you can keep to yourself if you want, even subsequent cheating. Cheating is hard to stop once you’ve started, and if you tell your spouse about EVERY time, then they will not understand and they may not forgive you like God will.
Chevalier, I really don’t know that there are any absolute conclusions.
**I don’t know why you are personalizing this.
But I suppose you need to take into account that my life experience has shaped me in such a way that secrets creep me out more than betrayal and return does.
Then for YOU I think it’s very important you are clear about this with a potential wife prior to marriage. I know it’s an uncomfortable topic, but it’s still important to you. So you are compelled to say something about it – right?
I’ve told my DH not to tell me if he has. It doesn’t mean I haven’t asked him on occasion, especially during deployments (Australia specifically) because well, I asked. I secretly hoped if he had cheated he would lie, but he’s a poor liar and can’t lie to me to save his soul – so I guess we’re still golden!
Now before we were married he told me “if you ever cheat on me – that’s it. Marriage over. I will divorce you so fast your head will spin.” So chances are if I were to ever stray, even for a day – he would know nothing about it. I am not planning on straying, I’m just sayin’.
It’s easy to opine on this when you aren’t married and think you know what you would want – but until you actually have a spouse and you know them, you can’t really say. You may feel strongly about this now, but then life happens and you have a wife who is so sweet and loving and yet for whatever reason you stray – you wouldn’t hurt her for the world. For those of us married souls on this thread, we are just saying what our experience teaches us – and not the actual experience of cheating, but knowing our spouses and what it would do to them to tell.
I am actually opining that this is coming down to sheer giving and selflessness. If you would hurt your spouse so badly as to betray them through adultery, it’s selfless to keep it to yourself and not hurt them further. You already know how badly you have hurt them in your heart, and you SHOULD suffer it alone.
I am not. I meant you as in the general sense. Sorry for the confusion. And like you, I have stated my opinionI don’t know why you are personalizing this.
I am stating my opinion as is everyone else. I really like SMHW’s response above…it really highlights the nuances and differences in each individual situation.
I am actually opining that this is coming down to sheer giving and selflessness. If you would hurt your spouse so badly as to betray them through adultery, it’s selfless to keep it to yourself and not hurt them further. You already know how badly you have hurt them in your heart, and you SHOULD suffer it alone.****
Now, to make the topic even stickier, do you think this is something that should be covered in pre-Cana??? For someone like Chev he seems like he would really want to (almost need to) know. And his future spouse should know that up front. Because if she feels differently and he had never read this thread they could both just assume that the other feels like they do.
okey doke, good to know
**Ok, so she agrees with you. Why?
"Yes, but you are a teenager and are not married, you know not of which you speak. It isn’t a great marriage out of guilt, it’s a bad marriage turned great due to someone straying and realizing where “home” was. They act better to get their marriage to a better place. That isn’t false. Even if they harbor one secret, the goodness is by far very real.
and I agree with the idea.) and focusing on their marriage.That last sentence. I don’t get it — on so many different levels.
Have you ever known any Bishops or tribunals to address any issues of an individual couple ?? Or take the time to investigate any accusations or circumstances?? All I have know is them saying let the civil (courts) deal with it, then come back to see us about the annulment. It would be good to hear that somewhere the Church is involved before the divorce.