Guilty Spouse Confessing Adultery

[shannyk]

The betrayed spouse has a RIGHT to know. This is not optional. Of course he/she has to be able to test for and watch for STDs. (Within 6 months of last exposure, one can be cleared from all STDs except HPV. There is no definitive test for it. If the betrayed spouse if female, she will need to monitor for cervical cancer.) When I started to suspect an affair, one thing I told my husband was that I need to be able to test for it. As each other’s only partner, I have never been regular in keeping up PAPs as I just didn’t have to worry about it. Unfortunately, he chose to continue the lie.

Gotta second this advice. I’ve BTDT and at age 28 lost my uterus cervix and one ovary thanks to HPV which I contracted via my husband who was unfaithful several times in the first few years of our marriage. We were each others first and only prior to him having these encounters, so I definitely did not get it elsewhere. At the time there was not all the news about HPV that there is now and I was PAP tested yearly and after I knew of the affairs I got tested for STD’s. Lo and behold 3 years later when I was early in my pregnancy with our 3rd child I found out I had cervical cancer. I could have lost my daughter and myself due to this whole thing.

The spouse has a right to know, period.:twocents:

 

[shannyk]

But if the adultery was well concealed during the time it took place then I don’t know why it wouldn’t continue to be unnoticed once it was over. I’m not sure you can conclude that the adulterous spouse is suddenly going to START acting suspicious once repentant.

It’s not so much about acting ‘suspicious’ but just about the way that sin changes us as human beings, which it does, whether the sin is confessed and forgiven or not.

Because of the nature of marriage a spouse is GOING to notice this, unless they are really already in a state of disconnect, which is a problem in itself and may be a contributing factor in the affair.

You can’t sin, especially in such a profound way, that it won’t affect you, and in marriage it’s bound to affect your spouse. It really has to due to the nature of the relationship.

 

[Consecrated]

I wonder how many people here have experienced infidelity in their marriage. I have. My husband of 11 years had an 8 month affair. We have been in recovery for almost 6 months.

The betrayed spouse has a RIGHT to know. This is not optional. Of course he/she has to be able to test for and watch for STDs. (Within 6 months of last exposure, one can be cleared from all STDs except HPV. There is no definitive test for it. If the betrayed spouse if female, she will need to monitor for cervical cancer.) When I started to suspect an affair, one thing I told my husband was that I need to be able to test for it. As each other’s only partner, I have never been regular in keeping up PAPs as I just didn’t have to worry about it. Unfortunately, he chose to continue the lie.

Also, there is a problem in the relationship which needs to be addressed whenever there is an affair. The involved spouse has no right to determine that this does not need to be worked on. The betrayed spouse has a right to decide about it.

There certainly is a risk of the marriage coming to an end with the revelation. **However, this is not due to the confession, but to the affair itself. ** Again, the betrayed spouse has the right to be able to decide this. While this was my husband’s only affair, there was a different incident (which was similar although not adultery in any way), years ago. He not only did not tell me about it at the time, but he also lied to me about it. By doing so, he ROBBED me of my right to know where things were in our marriage. I would have insisted on counseling and we wouldn’t be in the place we are today.

An analogy is “walls and windows.” While an affair is going on, the involved spouse puts up walls between him/herself and the betrayed spouse, while opening up windows with the affair partner. This is a very dangerous place for a marriage. If the involved spouse does not tell his/her spouse, not only does the wall remain up, but the windows can never open completely. Even if the affair is over, there is still a window open with the affair partner that is closed to the spouse.

As long as the affair is hidden, the marriage cannot be healthy, even if it continues for a lifetime.

:hug1: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. May God bring healing to you and your marriage.

I bolded a part of your post that really stuck out to me (although all of it really made sense to me). The opinion that the confession of the affair to the spouse is what puts the marriage in danger of ending misses the point entirely. And the point is that the marriage is already in danger FIRST AND FOREMOST because of the infidelity.

 

[lizaanne]

Caveat: this is my personal opinion only.

Only tell on yourself if you have acquired some kind of disease that would be passed on to your spouse that would make them wonder why you are avoiding having sex with them - or if you have fathered/given birth to a child that is not your spouse’s child. (Or if your lover is going to blackmail you.)

Otherwise, repent quietly, return to your spouse, and amend your ways without discussing the subject. Nothing good can come of talking about it - just get your act together and become the good spouse you meant to be when you got married in the first place.

Excellent advice!!

You may want to tell to assuage your guilt

Dont

Your cross is waiting - carry it if you truly love your family

It will pass, not totally but it will

I’ve long believed that telling only to assuage your guilt is a cowards way out. Confession ONLY because YOU feel horrible, is selfish and does not consider what easing your own guilt will do to the other person.

Pick the cross, deal with it, and move on. But don’t ruin another person’s life just to make yourself feel better.

~Liza

 

[faithandhope]

I wonder how many people here have experienced infidelity in their marriage. I have. My husband of 11 years had an 8 month affair. We have been in recovery for almost 6 months.

The betrayed spouse has a RIGHT to know. This is not optional. Of course he/she has to be able to test for and watch for STDs. (Within 6 months of last exposure, one can be cleared from all STDs except HPV. There is no definitive test for it. If the betrayed spouse if female, she will need to monitor for cervical cancer.) When I started to suspect an affair, one thing I told my husband was that I need to be able to test for it. As each other’s only partner, I have never been regular in keeping up PAPs as I just didn’t have to worry about it. Unfortunately, he chose to continue the lie.

Also, there is a problem in the relationship which needs to be addressed whenever there is an affair. The involved spouse has no right to determine that this does not need to be worked on. The betrayed spouse has a right to decide about it.

There certainly is a risk of the marriage coming to an end with the revelation. However, this is not due to the confession, but to the affair itself. Again, the betrayed spouse has the right to be able to decide this. While this was my husband’s only affair, there was a different incident (which was similar although not adultery in any way), years ago. He not only did not tell me about it at the time, but he also lied to me about it. By doing so, he ROBBED me of my right to know where things were in our marriage. I would have insisted on counseling and we wouldn’t be in the place we are today.

An analogy is “walls and windows.” While an affair is going on, the involved spouse puts up walls between him/herself and the betrayed spouse, while opening up windows with the affair partner. This is a very dangerous place for a marriage. If the involved spouse does not tell his/her spouse, not only does the wall remain up, but the windows can never open completely. Even if the affair is over, there is still a window open with the affair partner that is closed to the spouse.

As long as the affair is hidden, the marriage cannot be healthy, even if it continues for a lifetime.

Well you know how I feel about this. Let’s continue to walk together through these difficult times in our lives.
I’ll keep praying for you and your family.
:console:

 

[faithandhope]

Feanaro_s_Wife:
No hard feelings.

 

[faithandhope]

Feanaro_s_Wife:
No hard feelings!

 

[lovemysix]

Personally, I think the STD issue trumps all the others in the argument of whether to tell or not. A cheating spouse risks not only the health but possibly even the life of the innocent party. The innocent spouse has not only a right to know about the physical dangers he/she may be in because of the sexual infidelity but a responsibility to any children involved to protect his/her own health. There is simply no way to completely eliminate risk of STD transmission during sex (we all know how unreliable condoms are!!), so there is no way a cheating spouse can NOT put his/her spouse at risk—other than complete abstinence, and what spouse wouldn’t know something was up if the cheater suddenly withheld sex indefinitely? Just not realistic.

Thankfully, I have never been in this situation, but I am pretty sure if I ever were, my outrage at being cheated on would be equally matched by my outrage at having my physical wellbeing (and possibly my life!) put at risk by somebody who was too incredibly selfish to even let me know I was in danger.

Lauren

 

[fms]

Adultery and Its Effects

From the Catechism of The Catholic Church

2332
Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.

*2360
Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.

2361
"Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death."143*

Adultery

*2380
Adultery refers to marital infidelity. When two partners, of whom at least one is married to another party, have sexual relations—even transient ones—they commit adultery. Christ condemns even adultery of mere desire.171 The sixth commandment and the New Testament forbid adultery absolutely.172 The prophets denounce the gravity of adultery; they see it as an image of the sin of idolatry.173

2381
Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenant which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse, and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union.*

For those who say that a spouse can commit adultery and not affect his/her marriage are gravely mistaken (even with forgiveness from the Lord). Cf. CCC 2332, 2380, and 2381. Even family time and monies are affected because they are now being spent with the partner in adultery rather than with one’s family.

Take the scenario of an adulterous wife who falls for another person other than her husband that she completely gives her heart and body to the adulterous partner. What then is left for her husband and kids? I truly believe a virtuous wife is the radiance of her home (Sirach 26: 16). She is the heart of the home. She is the homemaker. Now that her affections are elsewhere, tell me how her true home will flourish? There will be no warmth, no affection, and no love. Family life becomes a lie. When she says to her husband, ‘I love you’ or ‘happy anniversary’ or kisses him or sleeps with him, she is lying to him/her family. If the husband knows not of the affair, nevertheless there will be suspicions: why doesn’t his wife want to sleep with him; why he feels she does not love him anymore, why the critical nature and out of the blues and all over sudden, why is the home cold and cruel, why does he feel she is purging him from her system?

St. Paul says he who commits bodily sins, the punishment is in their own bodies. I can’t imagine how this adulterous wife must be living: pretending to make love to her spouse when her heart is not there. She has to smell his skin and his breath. she has to face him daily and pretending to lead a normal family life; everything that normally should bring happiness becomes a burden to her even her children remind her of her husband. The punishment for her actions is immediate…

For me it is the height of naiveté to think that one can be adulterous (even transiently) and it not affect one, their marital and conjugal life.

With the Lord there is always forgiveness.

 

[chevalier]

The betrayed spouse has a RIGHT to know. This is not optional. Of course he/she has to be able to test for and watch for STDs. (Within 6 months of last exposure, one can be cleared from all STDs except HPV. There is no definitive test for it. If the betrayed spouse if female, she will need to monitor for cervical cancer.)

If it takes a longer while to clear from STD’s and the marriage is sexually active, then to avoid spreading possible disease to the cheated spouse, the spouse who cheated needs to deny marital relations. I wonder how that’s possible for, say, several months, without telling the reasons.

 

[fms]

The punishment for her actions is immediate…

Even more painful if the lover she pursues uses her then spurns her and she hers to crawl back to her husband.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I wonder how many people here have experienced infidelity in their marriage. I have. My husband of 11 years had an 8 month affair. We have been in recovery for almost 6 months.

The betrayed spouse has a RIGHT to know. This is not optional. Of course he/she has to be able to test for and watch for STDs. (Within 6 months of last exposure, one can be cleared from all STDs except HPV. There is no definitive test for it. If the betrayed spouse if female, she will need to monitor for cervical cancer.) When I started to suspect an affair, one thing I told my husband was that I need to be able to test for it. As each other’s only partner, I have never been regular in keeping up PAPs as I just didn’t have to worry about it. Unfortunately, he chose to continue the lie.

Also, there is a problem in the relationship which needs to be addressed whenever there is an affair. The involved spouse has no right to determine that this does not need to be worked on. The betrayed spouse has a right to decide about it.

There certainly is a risk of the marriage coming to an end with the revelation. However, this is not due to the confession, but to the affair itself. Again, the betrayed spouse has the right to be able to decide this. While this was my husband’s only affair, there was a different incident (which was similar although not adultery in any way), years ago. He not only did not tell me about it at the time, but he also lied to me about it. By doing so, he ROBBED me of my right to know where things were in our marriage. I would have insisted on counseling and we wouldn’t be in the place we are today.

An analogy is “walls and windows.” While an affair is going on, the involved spouse puts up walls between him/herself and the betrayed spouse, while opening up windows with the affair partner. This is a very dangerous place for a marriage. If the involved spouse does not tell his/her spouse, not only does the wall remain up, but the windows can never open completely. Even if the affair is over, there is still a window open with the affair partner that is closed to the spouse.

As long as the affair is hidden, the marriage cannot be healthy, even if it continues for a lifetime.

This is the best post on this thread. It details exactly why the betrayed spouse has the right to know. It points out precisely that if the marriage fails it was because of the affair NOT the confession.

Hurtandhealing, my prayers are with you. I am hurt and healing along with you my sister in Christ.

 

[hurtandhealing]

There is one other thing I wanted to say about confessing to the betrayed spouse. Again, while the betrayed spouse may choose to leave over the affair, the involved spouse also chooses to not give his/her spouse the opportunity to show unconditional love, which is something he/she needs desperately - especially at such a time. My husband has learned that I love him unconditionally (which is not to say that I am not very angry with him). Fortunately for our family, he chose to accept that love. By doing so, he has also learned that I would have loved him unconditionally even if he had left. Since divorce would not have ended our sacramental marriage, I would have continued to be his wife - praying and offering sacrifices for him as my vocation would not have changed. Together or not, I have a job to help him get to heaven.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

There is one other thing I wanted to say about confessing to the betrayed spouse. Again, while the betrayed spouse may choose to leave over the affair, the involved spouse also chooses to not give his/her spouse the opportunity to show unconditional love, which is something he/she needs desperately - especially at such a time. My husband has learned that I love him unconditionally (which is not to say that I am not very angry with him). Fortunately for our family, he chose to accept that love. By doing so, he has also learned that I would have loved him unconditionally even if he had left. Since divorce would not have ended our sacramental marriage, I would have continued to be his wife - praying and offering sacrifices for him as my vocation would not have changed. Together or not, I have a job to help him get to heaven.

**
Thank you for sharing that. It is nice to know that marriages can survive adultery and that the betrayed spouse can act charitably towards the one who has hurt them and the family. You are a true example of a marriage and I pray that you continue to heal (as well as your family).**

 

[faithandhope]

There is one other thing I wanted to say about confessing to the betrayed spouse. Again, while the betrayed spouse may choose to leave over the affair, the involved spouse also chooses to not give his/her spouse the opportunity to show unconditional love, which is something he/she needs desperately - especially at such a time. My husband has learned that I love him unconditionally (which is not to say that I am not very angry with him). Fortunately for our family, he chose to accept that love. By doing so, he has also learned that I would have loved him unconditionally even if he had left. Since divorce would not have ended our sacramental marriage, I would have continued to be his wife - praying and offering sacrifices for him as my vocation would not have changed. Together or not, I have a job to help him get to heaven.

A real true example. He’s a very fortunate man. I can only hope that my outcome is as blessed as yours. I will continue to pray for you and your family.:hug3:

 

[jwashu]

There is one other thing I wanted to say about confessing to the betrayed spouse. Again, while the betrayed spouse may choose to leave over the affair, the involved spouse also chooses to not give his/her spouse the opportunity to show unconditional love, which is something he/she needs desperately - especially at such a time. My husband has learned that I love him unconditionally (which is not to say that I am not very angry with him). Fortunately for our family, he chose to accept that love. By doing so, he has also learned that I would have loved him unconditionally even if he had left. Since divorce would not have ended our sacramental marriage, I would have continued to be his wife - praying and offering sacrifices for him as my vocation would not have changed. Together or not, I have a job to help him get to heaven.

This almost made me cry… my wife and I have always joked that we would kill each other but it’s actually frightening to think… what would I do if…

You definitely have the Grace of God to love as you have show! Amen!

Joe

 

[nablaise]

Is a spouse who has committed adultery obliged to tell his/her spouse?

The reasons why and why not and the Church’s stance if any.

Isn’t marriage an image of the marriage of the Lamb to the Church? so if we have to confess all our mortal sins to God before receiving communion…before entering communion with God, shouldn’t we confess our mortal sins against marriage to our spouse before dearing to approch the communion bed?

I think this is one more reason to take marriage very seriously and really work on them. Of course I am speaking as a person who is not married yet, so it is very easy for me to say . Sorry if I sound like I am holding the standard too high. It is not that I am sinless, but I try to get things right.

I think in marital communion we have to be transperent to each other. Even with fellow human’s we owe each other to manifest the truth (CCC - 8th commandment). Of course there is reason to keep things in secret for other people. But if it is in the marrital environment and concerns directly the marrital act, I actually think we have to confess the sins to our spouse before we go to confess it to God. Because this is a sin against her/him. And we always have to confess sins we do to our brethren to them and then to Church. So this is basic Christian teachings.

Of course this is when adultery happens when you are married. If it is something done before marriage, then I think there is no need to confess a sin you did not committ directly against the spouse. Also if it was an other chocking sin not related to the marrital communion (ex murder), there is no need to confess to the spouse because it is not a sin against her directly and it would trouble the family for nothing. This would be a cross for you to bear patiently and with perseverance.

But I truly believe that if I sin against you, I should try to confess my sin to you, to reconcile with you and then with the Church and God.

God bless

 

[fms]

Isn’t marriage an image of the marriage of the Lamb to the Church? so if we have to confess all our mortal sins to God before receiving communion…before entering communion with God, shouldn’t we confess our mortal sins against marriage to our spouse before dearing to approch the communion bed?

I think this is one more reason to take marriage very seriously and really work on them. Of course I am speaking as a person who is not married yet, so it is very easy for me to say . Sorry if I sound like I am holding the standard too high. It is not that I am sinless, but I try to get things right.

I think in marital communion we have to be transperent to each other. Even with fellow human’s we owe each other to manifest the truth (CCC - 8th commandment). Of course there is reason to keep things in secret for other people. But if it is in the marrital environment and concerns directly the marrital act, I actually think we have to confess the sins to our spouse before we go to confess it to God. Because this is a sin against her/him. And we always have to confess sins we do to our brethren to them and then to Church. So this is basic Christian teachings.

Of course this is when adultery happens when you are married. If it is something done before marriage, then I think there is no need to confess a sin you did not committ directly against the spouse. Also if it was an other chocking sin not related to the marrital communion (ex murder), there is no need to confess to the spouse because it is not a sin against her directly and it would trouble the family for nothing. This would be a cross for you to bear patiently and with perseverance.

But I truly believe that if I sin against you, I should try to confess my sin to you, to reconcile with you and then with the Church and God.

God bless

Good train of thought except confess first so as to have a clear mind and not be subject to the sin and the devil and then go tell your spouse then both of you can offer sacrifice (go to mass).

 

[jrobert]

True, adultery is a sin and ought not happen.

Adultery is sometimes the result of simply one partner getting tempted in an otherwise good relationship. Tempted by a pretty lady/girl and being in the wrong place at the wrong time, having the situation where you are alone with someone of the opposite sex and the attraction being just too hard to resist. Wham you go too far and get in your car later and cry , “what have I done”?

You resolve to end it there. Go home to yuour wife and kiss her , do everything you can to make amends, SHORT OF TELLING HER" never do it again the wife isn’t hurt, the kids arent hurt, and you have the punishment of knowing what you did. In a way it can even improve the relationship as you focus on getting it right .

Now theres another kind of adultery, one that is born of neglect. he wife doesn’t pay much attention to you. Is behaving in such a way as you feel a stranger in your own home. Nags you , expects you to always be there , no emotional investment until bed time expects you to just have sex with her , she enjoys that, falls asleep and next day there is this emotional starvation that you feel , all over again. You need to talk to someone to get the emotional (name removed by moderator)ut to your life. so you find someone who listens to you. it unfortunately ends too close and you have a relationship that was not intended.

Go home say hello to the wife who hardly notices you. tells you all her niggles of what you have done wrong tells you what she needs to be done. then she gets on phone to friend or family for hours on end until bed time, then her eyes light up she suddenly realizes you exist and wants you again.

How do you tell this person what you are up to? after all, the affair is to bring sanity into your life. You would much rather the wife talked to you and treated you properly. but you have this outlet where you can be yourself.

I know this is long winded and perhaps naive. but its not just a matter of confessing, it involves a host of emotions and mental complications.That a mere “To tell or not to tell” doesnt address.

My advice is to tell before it happens and tell your partner that you want more love more attention before you stray, and not after.

 

[Madolaina]

True, adultery is a sin and ought not happen.

Now theres another kind of adultery, one that is born of neglect. he wife doesn’t pay much attention to you. Is behaving in such a way as you feel a stranger in your own home. Nags you , expects you to always be there , no emotional investment until bed time expects you to just have sex with her , she enjoys that, falls asleep and next day there is this emotional starvation that you feel , all over again. You need to talk to someone to get the emotional (name removed by moderator)ut to your life. so you find someone who listens to you. it unfortunately ends too close and you have a relationship that was not intended.

Go home say hello to the wife who hardly notices you. tells you all her niggles of what you have done wrong tells you what she needs to be done. then she gets on phone to friend or family for hours on end until bed time, then her eyes light up she suddenly realizes you exist and wants you again.

How do you tell this person what you are up to? after all, the affair is to bring sanity into your life. You would much rather the wife talked to you and treated you properly. but you have this outlet where you can be yourself.

I know this is long winded and perhaps naive. but its not just a matter of confessing, it involves a host of emotions and mental complications.That a mere “To tell or not to tell” doesnt address.

My advice is to tell before it happens and tell your partner that you want more love more attention before you stray, and not after.

WOW…you speak volumes!! and editorialize exactly the lives of a great many of todays married couples. Let me just add that the roles are easily reversed and the scenerio is the same for the neglected wife who sooner-or-later finds herself drawn to a man who needs her as much as she needs him. In that hour of need she doubts that her marriage was within the plan and will of God in the first place. Try as she might she knows she will never be the ‘partner’ or ‘helpmate’ God intended for a wife…at least not to the husband who married her so avoid loneliness rather than to find perfect love. God never intended us to live miserably…loving a man is not a perfect love if the love is not returned equally!!!