Guilty Spouse Confessing Adultery

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

God never intended us to live miserably…loving a man is not a perfect love if the love is not returned equally!!!

**Just to go slightly off topic, there is no such thing as perfect love between people. There is only perfect love FROM God…we try to love Him back, but are unable to perfectly. And in marriages, love is very seldom “equal”. At any given time (due to many many factors) spouses are giving or taking more than the other spouse.

No that I think you were suggesting it, but loneliness and a feeling of not being loved by our spouses is not an excuse for adultery…it is a call to holiness (in a valid marriage). It is easy to love someone when we are getting it in return…infinitely harder when we are carrying the weight of the marriage seemingly alone. Just think of how God must feel to love all of us so much and only have a tiny fraction of that love returned**

 

[jrobert]

I know that it could be the reverse, and usually it is the reverse on the internet. For some reason it is assumed that it is the man who strays, but for every man who commits adultery, there is a woman. I prefer to say man as I am a man and I do see so much generalisation that its the man who does all the bad stuff

Having said all that It does not really matter. Man or woman, the scenario is the same. Neglect can foster a wondering of a spouse.

 

[Madolaina]

**Just to go slightly off topic, there is no such thing as perfect love between people. There is only perfect love FROM God…we try to love Him back, but are unable to perfectly. And in marriages, love is very seldom “equal”. At any given time (due to many many factors) spouses are giving or taking more than the other spouse.

No that I think you were suggesting it, but loneliness and a feeling of not being loved by our spouses is not an excuse for adultery…it is a call to holiness (in a valid marriage). It is easy to love someone when we are getting it in return…infinitely harder when we are carrying the weight of the marriage seemingly alone. Just think of how God must feel to love all of us so much and only have a tiny fraction of that love returned**

Operative words…(vallid Marriage)…With no children from the marrige , can a marriage of convienence be annulled? If the marriage is not ‘vallid’ is it really a call to holiness (a marriage not from God’s plan)???

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Operative words…(vallid Marriage)…With no children from the marrige , can a marriage of convienence be annulled? If the marriage is not ‘vallid’ is it really a call to holiness (a marriage not from God’s plan)???

**
children have nothing to do with the validity of a marriage. It was either valid at the time the vows were taken or it wasn’t.**

And, even if we suspect we may be in an invalid marriage, we are to assume that it is valid until proven otherwise. And to treat it as such. Our entire lives are a call to holiness, a call to be closer to God. How we deal with a less than ideal spouse can help us grow towards God, or away…our choice.

 

[Madolaina]

**
children have nothing to do with the validity of a marriage. It was either valid at the time the vows were taken or it wasn’t.**

And, even if we suspect we may be in an invalid marriage, we are to assume that it is valid until proven otherwise. And to treat it as such. Our entire lives are a call to holiness, a call to be closer to God. How we deal with a less than ideal spouse can help us grow towards God, or away…our choice.

Thank you…not what I was looking for but sometimes reality bites!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Thank you…not what I was looking for but sometimes reality bites!

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you…I was only trying to be clear.

 

[catholickitten]

This thread was posted many days ago, but I still felt compelled to give my 2 cents.

To be honest I’m incredibly shocked on how many people think not telling is the way to go…

What about HONESTY?

What if the person catched a disease in the affair? What if the spouse can “sense” that there’s something wrong and she/he is trying to make his/her best for the relationship, but is walking blindly on this because the spouse doesn’t really know what’s wrong? Shouldn’t the other spouse be honest and explain what’s REALLY wrong?

I would not want to live in a lie, and much less be exposed to the dangers of an STD without at least be informed about it so I can take a choice regarding the safety of my body.

I think it’s only fair, no?

True, more damage could be done to the relationship, but oh well, bad choices have consequences, no? And we should act as adults and take responsibility for the bad things we do.

I don’t think just pretending nothing happend will help the relationship in the 1st place, a person who does that type of thing is in NEED of counselling, and the cheated spouse should have that option too. Not just be driven directly to deceitville.

Some things are painful in life, but they must be confronted in order to grow, as a person and in holiness too.

You can’t just “hide” this type of thing to a spouse in order not to hurt them… There are MANY ways a spouse can find out about these type of things anyway, and then what? Not only you’d be an adulterer, but also a liar… So, what’s the benefit of that? Does that help the relationship get better from the affair? To gain trust again?

I could bet that it’d only throw away ANY possibility of real reconciliation.

Just my 2 cents though.

 

[gmarie21]

Why are we just defining cheating as physical/sexual? The reality is that most affairs are EMOTIONAL only, or emotional long before any physical begins. Most start out as friendships that lead to deeper, more soul revealing conversations.

Here’s an article about a book review on the subject (I would suppose that you can state that the same may apply to women who cheat too): redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/why-men-cheat

 

[chevalier]

You resolve to end it there. Go home to yuour wife and kiss her , do everything you can to make amends, SHORT OF TELLING HER"

On a logical level, the reservation, “short of telling her,” seems to appear out of nowhere.

never do it again the wife isn’t hurt, the kids arent hurt, and you have the punishment of knowing what you did.

Objection, they are hurt.

In a way it can even improve the relationship as you focus on getting it right .

Even if technically correct, that argument seems to divert the attention from the original problem of adultery and justify it as well.

Now theres another kind of adultery, one that is born of neglect. he wife doesn’t pay much attention to you. Is behaving in such a way as you feel a stranger in your own home. Nags you , expects you to always be there , no emotional investment until bed time expects you to just have sex with her , she enjoys that, falls asleep and next day there is this emotional starvation that you feel , all over again. You need to talk to someone to get the emotional (name removed by moderator)ut to your life. so you find someone who listens to you. it unfortunately ends too close and you have a relationship that was not intended.

Go home say hello to the wife who hardly notices you. tells you all her niggles of what you have done wrong tells you what she needs to be done. then she gets on phone to friend or family for hours on end until bed time, then her eyes light up she suddenly realizes you exist and wants you again.

That’s a marriage that needs repairing, not a status quo that needs maintaining and justifies the mental separation.

How do you tell this person what you are up to? after all, the affair is to bring sanity into your life. You would much rather the wife talked to you and treated you properly. but you have this outlet where you can be yourself.

I was reluctant to address the justifications, but in my view that goes too far. The present tense is improper. The affair does not bring any sanity. Reneging on one’s oaths does not make one a better or more integral person. An outlet to be oneself is not a concern. Nothing has the power to allow keeping an affair going.

I might possibly agree with it being better not to tell or even in there being little if any obligation to tell in a given, concrete situation (a situation seen as a specific realisation of intersecting ethical principles - not a situation as an excuse).

I know this is long winded and perhaps naive. but its not just a matter of confessing, it involves a host of emotions and mental complications.That a mere “To tell or not to tell” doesnt address.

True, but the arguments don’t hold together too well. They seem to serve as a justification that perhaps the anguish of confessing is too harsh for the one guilty of adultery to bear. That is an avenue where I don’t want to go, however. I know too well that if I strayed, I would look for excuses not to tell, no matter what I would decide in the end. But now that the vision of myself in that situation is remote, while I realise there might exist such practical situations in which it would be better not to tell, I just can’t buy many of the arguments for not telling.

 

[jrobert]

I can sympathise with all points raised thus far.

I dont agree with adultery, let me make that clear. However from a few angles Not telling makes a lot of sense, not just for the one who is guilty, but for the ones who would be devastated where the facts to be known.

Looking at the wisdom of King Solomon, who offered to cut the baby in two so each woman who claimed to be mother of the baby could have half each, the real mother backing down and saying let the other woman have the baby, Solomon descerning the real mother would rather let the baby go than have it killed. Maybe the wisdom of Solomon here would be to quietly repent by the guilty.

Perhaps punishment ought to meted out in some way to the guilty party. maybe the priest could prescribe a penance that would tax the wrong doer sufficiently that he or she would have learned a lesson.

However if confession were made to the spouse, the Innocent children would be scarred maybe irrevocably if the parents were to have a war, a divorce, or perhaps no divorce but long years of incriminations and recriminations. ending in dysfunctional family resentment for the guilty one by the other. Child psychologists, delinquencies, self esteeem problems in the children in later life. All because the other spouse has a right to have justice.

If the guilty has resolved to try never to re offend, and is prayerfully sorry in his or her heart, then things can work out. It is true that it doesn’t get away from the fact that an adultery has occured. But God who forgives all, will be the judge. and lets face it, there is not one of us who has not, and indeed does not sin each and every day in some way or other.

I think it was Paul who said, he that is guilty of one part of the law is guilty of the whole. and again our Lord said “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”

We are as mortals predisposed to exposing those who do wrong, I think however we need to be a little more compassionate and understand how difficult it is to confess, and in some cases emotionally impossible for some to confess, but that doesnt mean there is no sorrow and resolution to make amends.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I think there would still be dysfunction regardless. And I would think there would be a worse war were the betrayed spouse to find out at a later date.

If I were married and my husband cheated on me and came to me, I’d be hurt, but I’d be grateful that he took the risk of being honest (For all good things have a risk) and would help repair the issue of adultery and any issues leading up to adultery. If he cheated and never told me and I found out from someone else, I would divorce him. Not only would he have betrayed me, he also would have lied and that is not someone I’d trust, especially if we were sexually active and he passed an STI onto me. If I can’t even expect him to be honest after betraying me (were he to betray me in the first place), I certainly wouldn’t trust him in any issue that could impact me or my children emotionally and physically.

Sorry, but adultery not only hurts God, it hurts your spouse and they have a right to know how they were hurt.

 

[hurtandhealing]

I can sympathise with all points raised thus far.

I dont agree with adultery, let me make that clear. However from a few angles Not telling makes a lot of sense, not just for the one who is guilty, but for the ones who would be devastated where the facts to be known.

Looking at the wisdom of King Solomon, who offered to cut the baby in two so each woman who claimed to be mother of the baby could have half each, the real mother backing down and saying let the other woman have the baby, Solomon descerning the real mother would rather let the baby go than have it killed. Maybe the wisdom of Solomon here would be to quietly repent by the guilty.

Perhaps punishment ought to meted out in some way to the guilty party. maybe the priest could prescribe a penance that would tax the wrong doer sufficiently that he or she would have learned a lesson.

However if confession were made to the spouse, the Innocent children would be scarred maybe irrevocably if the parents were to have a war, a divorce, or perhaps no divorce but long years of incriminations and recriminations. ending in dysfunctional family resentment for the guilty one by the other. Child psychologists, delinquencies, self esteeem problems in the children in later life. All because the other spouse has a right to have justice.

If the guilty has resolved to try never to re offend, and is prayerfully sorry in his or her heart, then things can work out. It is true that it doesn’t get away from the fact that an adultery has occured. But God who forgives all, will be the judge. and lets face it, there is not one of us who has not, and indeed does not sin each and every day in some way or other.

I think it was Paul who said, he that is guilty of one part of the law is guilty of the whole. and again our Lord said “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”

We are as mortals predisposed to exposing those who do wrong, I think however we need to be a little more compassionate and understand how difficult it is to confess, and in some cases emotionally impossible for some to confess, but that doesnt mean there is no sorrow and resolution to make amends.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. It is not impossible to confess adultery. It is necessary in order to repair the damage already done. It can never be fixed or go back to normal without this confession. (Actually, it can never be fixed or go back to normal either way. But the marriage can heal and grow after the confession.)

I can only imagine if I were just now finding out about my husband’s affair (lasted for 8 months, ended in May). The hurt and devestation would be multiplied by 6 more months of lies. That is what it is: a lie. It doesn’t matter if it is over. The life that I had lived was a lie. It multiplies the longer the hurt spouse has to wait. The hurt spouse will go through all the same pain and difficulties even if he/she finds out 25 years later or 50 years later. He/she will feel like the involved spouse had lied for all that time, which only compounds the hurt of the betrayal.

Conveniently neglected is the chance of STDs. How will the betrayed spouse feel when he/she finds out about the lie by getting an STD?

You also don’t consider the fact that the hurt spouse knows something is wrong. My husband’s affair took place while he was out of town for work for a year. I spent 4 months with him over 3 separate visits. I knew something was wrong. But he knew the answers to give. I spent countless hours trying to figure out how to change to get him to open up and get back to normal. I cannot begin to describe the shame and disgust I feel for the things I said, trying to put the blame for affair related problems on myself. I will also never forget finding out about the affair. I had read email traffic between my husband and his father. My blood still boils when I remember reading that my father-in-law told my husband to “never, under any circumstances, tell” me about the affair.

Please reread my original post in this (forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=4422424&postcount=140) There are many good resources available for affair recovery. None of them advocate what you are suggesting.

God bless.

 

[jrobert]

It happend ‘To’ me in 1993 my spouse left me to go overseas to visit family. never came back.

I got phone call at 3 am from her sister letting me know she was fooling around. I didnt believe her. but weeks later when she never came home, I knew it was true.

From my experience I would rather not have known I would rather she left me on some other pretence. I was more hurt by knowing.We are obviously not all the same and it does depend on the people involved.

If I were to do the adultery thing, I would probably want to tell , but I would find it hard and probably procrastinate it to such an extent I wouldnt have the guts to do it.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Would I want to know if my husband cheated on me, I don’t know…This is a complicated issue…
I had always suspected my ex cheated on me, I never trusted him but he never confessed and still to this day swears he never did anything with any other woman…And it was very hard to see him the same.

Would it have given me peace of mind to know, and at least get the doubt out of my head, yes, I think it would have. I probably would have worked things out, I may have not, but in either case things would still be rocky and lead to our separation and divorce/annulment, and end, as it did.

I know now that if my db would cheat on me I would forgive him but I would not even try to work things out with him, because he has made it clear that he would never cheat on me and if I were to ever do it he would not stay with me, even if we were married, he would make sure our marriage is annulled and divorced. He wouldn’t even hesitate! And I understand because how can you trust someone who hurt you, how can someone tell their spouse I love you but sleep with someone else? Share their feelings and dreams and chats and love making with someone else? Then come home and kiss that person and be like “I love you!” Share the same bed and make love to that person the way you made love to the one whom you are having the affair with?! Even if it happens only once, how??? WHY??? My db and I have talked about it and no matter how I have tried to justify why a person would cheat, there is no turning back in his heart. He has made it clear and even though I know I would forgive him and try to work things out, he wouldn’t so I have to say I wouldn’t work things out either.

It would devastate me that I forgive and forget, and seek help and work things out with my dh and then if I fall into temptation he wouldn’t do it for me?!

He told me the reason a person cheats is because they no longer love their spouse/partner, and if a person doesn’t love their spouse/partner then what’s the point of even trying to work things out, that person will just do it again, or even worst continue living in a lie of love when all they want is lust.

I understand where he comes from, being that he was cheated on by many gf before but even though, I could understand the whole “justification” of adultery, human beings are weak and born to sin, if things were going rocky between my db and I, I know that if I kept ignoring the issues, and keeping to myself because I can’t confront things that are going on, I am stressed and tired, feeling exhausted and lonely, trying to raise a family, working, etc, eventually he will get tired of waiting for me to please him and he will need to be consoled somewhere else, and the first one to offer her help on the situations will eventually lead them to get too close for comfort…And usually happens with a bff!
Let me continue with my make-believe-story-:

 

[iluvmybabies]

Let’s pretend that scenario is happening, I am working, going to school, raising my children, doing the house work, dealing with pets, etc…And my dh just comes home from work to give an attitude about the kids’ toys all over, the food not cooked yet, the dogs haven’t been fed nor taken out, etc…And this goes on for several months! Meanwhile I found out I have this terrible illness, it might be treatable it might not, and I have my midterms coming up and the kids have their doctor’s appt that same week…running around like a headless chicken! I try to tell my dh that I am tired and could use his help, and he returns with “all I do is come home to your nagging and screaming, give me a break!” And goes to the bedroom turns on his video games and stays there to avoid everything…And this continues for several months! Well there he is feeling horrible that his wife pays no attention to him, building up this resentment and anger over her, etc. Wants to make love but I am too exhausted to do anything, libido is down, find nothing to arouse me, and am in no mood to make love. There he goes making up this terrible vision of his wife, “she probably found someone, she doesn’t find me attractive, I can’t please her any more!!” ETC. All the while I am trying to figure out how in the world to make this man help me, he is ungrateful, unloving, won’t even caress me, doesn’t want to touch me, nor help with the children, can’t understand that I do a lot more and could use his help, etc… So he goes and talks to his bff, about what to do with his wife… They start seeing each other more, she’s single and has all the energy in the world. I am boring, don’t go out to the bars with him or have fun any more, I won’t even play video games with him any more!! So hard for my dh. All I do is stay home after work and school and don’t want to do anything else! All I do is nag! So this woman tells him “stop thinking about it and lets have fun! Remember when we used to do this and that and this and that!” And going down memory lane has too much fun he decides to stay out late another night and another and another and another etc…All the while I am alone at home falling asleep in my bed while he calls me tells me he has to stay late at work, or his friends need him, or he just needs to spend time with his parents or brother etc…ALL LIES!! During one of those emotional nights where he and I get into an argument and I tell him to leave so he does, ends up getting drunk with his bff and she invites him home, they get physical and the next morning when he wakes up next to this woman whom is not his wife, panics, and starts looking for a condom, or bcp to make sure he didn’t get her pg, and tries to run out before she wakes up and she ends up waking up and asking him to hold her and he knows he messed up big time because now she thinks that’s her man and that because of what they did last night how great it was and how much he showed her he loved her and needed her now has to figure out how to tell her that the one he loves is his WIFE and that last night was a mistake and then she tells him she’s not on any bcp and that he didn’t use protection!!! HOW is he going to explain that one?! He goes home and finds me waiting for him, called it off because I couldn’t sleep and felt horrible for the fight, and wanted to make things better between us, and tells me he was sorry he crashed over at whatever his name’s house is, and that he loves me and that he’s really sorry, and then he starts treating me well we make up etc I talk to him and tell him everything that was going on and he feels even worst and apologizes and starts treating me well, and we make love all day enjoying each other’s love, and 3 months later find out I am pg and 6 months later that I caught a disease… HOW DOES HE EXPLAIN THAT ONE?!
Then his bff shows up to my house while he’s not home and tells me she’s pg with his kid almost due and has a disease and forgot to tell him when they had unprotected sex, and that their baby is going to be csectioned, and I leave, and he comes home to an empty house…No children making noise, no toys on the floor, no pets wanting to play, no screaming wife…And a letter with his 2 children’s sonograms attached to it from 2 different pg women, 1 which is me and the other his bff…

How would I feel, devastated, betrayed, hurt, deceived, broken, torn apart, lifeless…At least for a while because obviously with prayer and with GOD’s help all will be forgotten, and hopefully the disease caught is one that can be treated…And unwillling to work things out.

If he would have been patient, and actually passed out in his friend’s house without getting drunk and falling into temptation then the next morning we would have worked things out, I would have been able to be open and finally speak or at least talk to him enough to ask him for more time and to be patient with me when I was ready to speak with him about my problems that he would know everything then. Things wouldn’t need to escalate further than a few lost tempers…

 

[iluvmybabies]

When there are times communication is not available, patience is needed, one of the points of marriage is to give yourself to your spouse, the whole 2 become 1 thing, and put yourself in that person’s shoes, what could cause my spouse to not speak to shy or push me away??? Give the person time and they will speak with you, as long as you don’t stop showing that person you care. It is true sometimes one will be pulling all the weight more than the other, it’s true, one will give more than the other, but once that other person realizes and decides to speak with their spouse then things will get better, it’s just a matter of patience. No need to cheat! If you are no longer attracted to your spouse then you really didn’t love your spouse because that means the only reason you married was because of lust, or sexual attraction nothing more, and that hurts as well!

It pains me when I hear my friends telling me I am not attracted to my bf any more! It’s like can’t you find something? And they are like no I found someone else though! It’s really sad! And I tell them so what happens when you lose attraction to that person?! You will never marry and never have a stable home…

It is difficult to imagine your husband reaching out to someone else for help and for comfort, when you are home, if he were patient enough eventually the overstressed wife would talk to him. Or if he would just actually care to help maybe she would see that he is caring and not keep to herself and then they would be able to talk!

Cheating is not the right way to do things, nor get your spouse to love you again or to make things better between your spouse…It just makes things more difficult! And you in a lustfull life, full of lies and sin! If you fall into cheating tell your partner…No matter how painful it is.

But again it all comes down to you, and what you would want. To risk yourself at getting an explanation of why 6 months after you made love to your wife/husband you all of a sudden have a disease, and then not forgive or forget your spouse for lying or know right there an then and try to work things out right there and then and find out if your partner caught something before you get it and save yourself and help your spouse out? I rather deal with the second choice than the first one!!!


I understand that when one person doesn’t speak the other hurts, and the need to fill in that empty space might occur, but the matter of fact is that obviously there is something wrong and if a person is not selfish they will know that about their spouse and speak with them, show them still their affection and love, and pray for them so that GOD can enlighten them and the Holy Spirit can help them over come whatever is keeping them from communicating with their spouse their situation that is keeping them from talking! Being patient is important and as long as you show your spouse you are there for her/him the better chances are she/he will open up and you may resolve your problems before you find comfort in someone else and regret making that mistake for the rest of your life!!!

 

[ChristIsLord]

Oh I definitely think the offending party is obligated to tell their spouse. For one if all the offender has to do is go to confession say a few Hail Mary’s and go on his/her merry way, it is likely they are not going to cut the sin off. A physical affair is very damaging and the couple needs to work through that together if they can, to withold that is deception and IMO a very bad sin.

 

[gmarie21]

Oh I definitely think the offending party is obligated to tell their spouse. For one if all the offender has to do is go to confession say a few Hail Mary’s and go on his/her merry way, it is likely they are not going to cut the sin off. A physical affair is very damaging and the couple needs to work through that together if they can, to withold that is deception and IMO a very bad sin.

As I posed before, what about an EMOTIONAL affair? Or do we deny that because many more women commit this form of an affair and brush it off as just a “close friendship”?

 

[iluvmybabies]

As I posed before, what about an EMOTIONAL affair? Or do we deny that because many more women commit this form of an affair and brush it off as just a “close friendship”?

What is an emotional affair?

If you are speaking about how women go to their guy friends and talk about their problems??? Well 99% of my friends go to each other, girlfriends, about certain issues and problems…We don’t talk to our guy friends’ about them…1% sometimes does…but it’s only if one of us really can’t help and tells her to go talk to a man for his point of view…like when their dh tell them it’s a guy thing you wouldn’t understand…But that’s it…

How would that qualify as an emotional affair?

 

[jrobert]

Emotional affairs are worse in many ways than sexual encounters.

If you have a married couple and the wife is confiding in another male, seeing him for lunch, takinghis advice in preference to the husbands advice. quoting the friend as if he is special in every way.

Seeing him at work, having jokes at lunch with him, doing everything short of making love to him. Is really an affair of the “heart” The scriptures make it clear that looking at another person to lust after them is committing adultery in ones heart. Tell me those of you who advocate telling. Do you advocate telling a spouse that , “by the** way honey I looked at that girl over there and made love to her in my mind”? **Or the lady who looks at her favourite movie/pop star and fancies him, does she/he confess this?

If we want to get pedantic about this then maybe we ought to confess every thought that is against our spouse at any time on any subject. I wonder how many more divorces there would be?