F
fms
Guest
Just thought I should quote the Code of Canon Law i.e. steps an innocent Catholic spouse should follow:
- Status
S
StJudePray4Me
Guest
Perhaps we are SUPPOSED to do this, but I’m not sure I would be able to immediately and whole heartedly forgive. I have a feeling it would take me a while, and a lot of counseling.
If you do not have trust in a marriage, I think you don’t really have a good marriage. I would be incensed if my husband not only deceived me once by cheating, but deceived me every day afterwards by not telling me. Honestly, I think the lying would bother me MORE than the infidelity. How can you look at your spouse in the face and lie to him or her? To allow them to go on thinking that you have been faithful when you haven’t? I don’t understand that.
I know posters keep saying that no one is required to tell, but I think it is a lie of omission, and I can’t get behind lying to your spouse EVERY day of your lives together.
M
Mdeal23
Guest
Hello I am new to this board and need help. I have just ended an affair with a co-worker. I am married for 12yrs and have 3 kids. My marriage for the last 2 years has been lonely as my wife and I have grown apart. More so that we have 3 kids that need attending to we have lacked to give each other attention. She is very driven so all her energy is in the kids. I am more reserved so I need more attention. That is no excuse and I know it was entirely my fault.
I now am tormented daily with the guilt of what I have done. She does not know and I do not want to tell her. I feel that if I told her it would unburden me and burden her. I do love her and want our marriage to work. I have gone into counseling and we are about to go to our priest for marriage counseling. I just told her I am lonely and want to work on making our marriage work. I am also going to go to confession (hopefully today) before we begin our joint counseling. I want to repent to God and spend the rest of my life making it up. I just can’t see the benefit of telling her. Please respond.
I now am tormented daily with the guilt of what I have done. She does not know and I do not want to tell her. I feel that if I told her it would unburden me and burden her. I do love her and want our marriage to work. I have gone into counseling and we are about to go to our priest for marriage counseling. I just told her I am lonely and want to work on making our marriage work. I am also going to go to confession (hopefully today) before we begin our joint counseling. I want to repent to God and spend the rest of my life making it up. I just can’t see the benefit of telling her. Please respond.
T
TLDenmark
Guest
Sorry to hear about your predicament. My advice is to be carful about forum advice, since we don’t know you, your wife or the whole situation. Instead you should ask a priest for advice, preferably someone who knows both you and your wife. Also do a lot of praying about it, asking God for help is always a good thing. Anyway no matter what, you have to think about what is best for your wife and your marriage, not what is best for you personally.
God bless
TL
K
KostyaJMJ
Guest
I think that says it all. Ignorance is bliss.
S
SarahR
Guest
A side note–
Just my opinion, no desire to derail the thread topic.
All the advice from the priests I’ve spoken to discuss forgiveness as stages, with the ultimate goal to be complete whole-hearted forgiveness. I believe a sincere prayer like this is also acceptable to God: “Lord, I’m so furious and hurt right now but I know I’m supposed to forgive, so please come into me and forgive (this person) because I honestly can’t right now, but please help me to get to that stage.” God knows us deeply. The will to want to forgive is in fact a response to His grace, and it may be all we are capable of at that moment.
Just my opinion, no desire to derail the thread topic.
S
StJudePray4Me
Guest
Unless she finds out from someone else, and then feels totally betrayed, twice.
H
hurtandhealing
Guest
www.affairrecovery.com ARC is a Christian counseling group which deals only with this issue. Read their info about mistakes each spouse makes.
Ultimately, if you do not tell, you are still keeping secrets with your affair partner and keeping your wife out. I realize you don’t want to burden her. By not telling her you are not giving her the opportunity to know you and love you fully for who you are. And believe me, if you tell her, you will not just be unburdened. You will have a lot to do to help her work through this. Also, she probably knows that something is going on anyway. She will hurt infinitely more if/when she finds out down the road.
By being with the other woman, you have exposed your wife to diseases. For HIV alone, you will need to be checked 6 months after the last contact. How are you going to justify that abstinance to your wife without lying? Also, is she getting regularly checked for HPV (via PAP tests)? She will need to do that for the rest of her life to be sure she doesn’t get cervical cancer from this. Doesn’t she have the RIGHT to know about her potential health problems and to test and treat as she sees fit? Doesn’t she have the right to decide about that period of abstinance herself? (I never had regular PAP tests before my husband’s affair - had I not found out, I would still not do it - can you imagine the potential danger in this for me?)
You have already seen, I imagine, the varying opinions on this board about this topic. Please, go to confession, speak with your priest, and contact the group above. They have a great course for the betrayed spouse and one for the couple - both are very helpful. Your wife already knows that something is wrong. Close the window with the affair partner for good by opening the door with your wife.
As the betrayed wife, I hurt for your wife right now. But, I am so very thankful for your return to God, the sacraments and your wife and family. You are on a long road ahead and you can use this to help your marriage grow in ways that neither of you ever imagined. The hurt you caused will never go away from either of you. Thank God for Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross which gives us the perfect model of love and sacrifice! My husband and I learned more about God, Marriage, Reconcilliation, Forgiveness, Love and Family than we ever would have if he hadn’t done this awful thing. (And you are catching me at the lowest point I have been for several months.)
Lastly, and so important, if/when you do tell her: do not hide anything that she would want to know. ARC has great information to help both of you through this process. The longer you take for full disclosure, the harder it will be for her to begin healing. Every time you give her new information (either volunteered or in answer to her question) it will put her back at square one. You cannot soften this blow by withholding information.
H
horselvr
Guest
Each marriage, each case is so individualized that it would be utterly impossible to say if you should or should not devuldge your “secret”.
However having said that, it is my opinion that the other spouse, in a lot of cases, has already known that something is not quite right in the marriage. Believing that the spouse is just going through tough times at work or is just in a funk and that things will get better.
I, on the other hand, agree wholeheartedly with STJudePray4Me that the spouse should be told for a few reasons.
There really are sexually transmitted diseases that lay dorment. Some are not readily detectable. Unfortunately, some woman find out they have a cheating spouse while having their exam with their gynecologist, or worse yet, a baby born with aids or herpes ect.
Here is my question to those who believe that a cheating spouse should not tell their husband/wife that they have been deceitful, lying to them, and have put not only their emotional and financial well being at risk but also their very health.
We all were taught morals and values in school. When did it become fashionable or correct to throw these teachings out the window ? At what point was it decided that honesty in a marriage was something not to be spoken?
Mdeal23:
Here’s my question for you:
Since as you say you cheated because:
Here’s my last question for you:
Since you felt that all the above was wrong with your marriage why wasn’t counseling the option before having the affair with your co-worker instead of after.
Why have an affair—why not fix the marriage?
However having said that, it is my opinion that the other spouse, in a lot of cases, has already known that something is not quite right in the marriage. Believing that the spouse is just going through tough times at work or is just in a funk and that things will get better.
I, on the other hand, agree wholeheartedly with STJudePray4Me that the spouse should be told for a few reasons.
There really are sexually transmitted diseases that lay dorment. Some are not readily detectable. Unfortunately, some woman find out they have a cheating spouse while having their exam with their gynecologist, or worse yet, a baby born with aids or herpes ect.
Here is my question to those who believe that a cheating spouse should not tell their husband/wife that they have been deceitful, lying to them, and have put not only their emotional and financial well being at risk but also their very health.
We all were taught morals and values in school. When did it become fashionable or correct to throw these teachings out the window ? At what point was it decided that honesty in a marriage was something not to be spoken?
Mdeal23:
Here’s my question for you:
Since as you say you cheated because:
- lack of attention paid to each other
- loneliness
- have grown apart
- she gives all the attention to the kids (three of them)
- And you need the attention
Here’s my last question for you:
Since you felt that all the above was wrong with your marriage why wasn’t counseling the option before having the affair with your co-worker instead of after.
Why have an affair—why not fix the marriage?
M
Mdeal23
Guest
Thanks for your response Horselvr. I did go to confession and confessed it all to my priest. I realize now that it was my distance from God that has caused all of this. It is and will be my burden to carry for the rest of my life. I am still reluctant to tell her even though the chance of her finding out is remote, there is always that chance. I want this burden and pain to be all mine and I feel that with Gods help I can carry it. While I have been reborn through confession it is still very painful to deal with. At times I do want to tell her but again I think the desire is to just unburden me. Transmitted diseases are not an issue since she was tested prior to sexual contact. I have let go of the other person and am desperately trying to find another job. I have hurt her just as bad by giving her a relationship that was not true. I will have to carry the burden of causing great pain to another my whole life.
My desire now is to learn how to love God, my wife, and serve my family. There will be many more confessions and prayers to come but for the first time in my life I feel that I am digging out of a very dark hole. I had reached the lowest point in my life and when people say you have to reach that point before you can find God they are absolutely right.
My desire now is to learn how to love God, my wife, and serve my family. There will be many more confessions and prayers to come but for the first time in my life I feel that I am digging out of a very dark hole. I had reached the lowest point in my life and when people say you have to reach that point before you can find God they are absolutely right.
B
belmontmac
Guest
My desire now is to learn how to love God, my wife, and serve my family. There will be many more confessions and prayers to come but for the first time in my life I feel that I am digging out of a very dark hole. I had reached the lowest point in my life and when people say you have to reach that point before you can find God they are absolutely right.
I believe sometimes God allows a trainwreck in our lives to wake us up, and it is up to you to recognize it. Sounds like you have, which is great, but now you have a heavy cross to carry, which is ok. Not that what was done is ok, but now, God is going to transform your life, His way. Listen to Him. Stay close to him through the sacraments and prayer. You will probably feel the need to reconfess, do it. It is not necessary to do, but found it a part of the healing process. It is gonna take time to heal. Bear your pain with a smile, make your wife the queen she deserves to be, and at a point in the future, accept the fact that you made a terrible mistake, you’ve been forgiven by God, and make God first in your life.
Feel free to pm me. Peace.
I believe sometimes God allows a trainwreck in our lives to wake us up, and it is up to you to recognize it. Sounds like you have, which is great, but now you have a heavy cross to carry, which is ok. Not that what was done is ok, but now, God is going to transform your life, His way. Listen to Him. Stay close to him through the sacraments and prayer. You will probably feel the need to reconfess, do it. It is not necessary to do, but found it a part of the healing process. It is gonna take time to heal. Bear your pain with a smile, make your wife the queen she deserves to be, and at a point in the future, accept the fact that you made a terrible mistake, you’ve been forgiven by God, and make God first in your life.
Feel free to pm me. Peace.
S
StJudePray4Me
Guest
Hi there,
I have already expressed my opinion about “to tell vs. not to tell” but I just wanted to add one more thought.
A lot of people advocate not telling in order to spare their spouses’ feelings, but I wonder, when you are totally honest with yourself – is that the REAL reason?
Or is it the fear that she will leave you? That she will never trust you again, even if she stays? You say you want the marriage to work–so are you basing your decision on your wants and needs, or your wife’s?
F
fms
Guest
Great! Wonderful!
F
fms
Guest
H
hurtandhealing
Guest
I have wrote scathing posts twice now and had to delete them. I am just amazed at the lengths people will go to protect themselves in order to have their affairs and then to keep from having to deal with the aftermaths in their own marriages. Actually, amazed isn’t the right word. I am downright sickened and angered by it. I do hope you will check out that website (www.affairrecovery.com) and talk to some of the folks there. You might also want to check out this link from it (media.affairrecovery.com.s3.amazonaws.com/docs/20_mistakes_unfaithful.pdf). Also, the book More than Friends, by Shirley Glass is a great resource. She is considered one of the experts on affair recovery in the country.
I also hope you come to realize that your wife needs to be able to get checked for HPV. It can be deadly and there is no test which is 100% accurate and it can lie dormant for years. The affair partner may have told you she was cleared for everything, but that is not possible. Also, HIV can’t be cleared until 6 months after last exposure. How can you be sure that the affair partner had no sexual contact for 6 months prior to sleeping with you or during your affair? This is a woman who is willing to sleep with another woman’s husband! How honest is she? And would your wife really want to bet her health/life on that woman’s word? I highly doubt it.
Please get advice from EXPERTS in affair recovery. The health issues should make it obvious that you need to tell. From the other stand points, get help from the experts.
I also hope you come to realize that your wife needs to be able to get checked for HPV. It can be deadly and there is no test which is 100% accurate and it can lie dormant for years. The affair partner may have told you she was cleared for everything, but that is not possible. Also, HIV can’t be cleared until 6 months after last exposure. How can you be sure that the affair partner had no sexual contact for 6 months prior to sleeping with you or during your affair? This is a woman who is willing to sleep with another woman’s husband! How honest is she? And would your wife really want to bet her health/life on that woman’s word? I highly doubt it.
Please get advice from EXPERTS in affair recovery. The health issues should make it obvious that you need to tell. From the other stand points, get help from the experts.
H
horselvr
Guest
Mdeal23:
Thanks for the reply. I hope you don’t mind my being honest with you about the woman you had the affair with but I have to ask. Why would you belive that she is “clean” and free from any disease? Because she told you so? I mean really, this is a woman that obviously thinks little of sleeping with a married man especially with children, taking from his family, stealing in fact, his time and affections (and hopefully not finances) that should be spent with and on his family, and still being able to sleep at night. Why would you believe anyhting she has to say?
You didn’t answer my question. While you were giving your attention and affection to this other woman, your wife must have felt very alone in this marriage and probably realized something was wrong. So, because she was not receiving attention from you did she also cheat? If not why not? Was she too busy with making sure your children were taken care of, that meals were on the table, that the house was in order?
You are naive in your thinking and that the meer fact that you “trust” your girlfriend because she said she just had an exam and is free from disease shows that you are naive or just didn’t care.
However, I am so glad that you have been consulting with your Priest and going to confession and I agree that sometimes God allows us to hit a wall and the only way out is through him----I am very glad you found him because he is the one that will fill the hole in you.
To me you sound as though you would like to repair the damage done and that you are really sorry for cheating on your wife and family.
Whatever decision you make (to tell or not to tell) I hope all is well in the end.
Blessing to your wife and family.
Thanks for the reply. I hope you don’t mind my being honest with you about the woman you had the affair with but I have to ask. Why would you belive that she is “clean” and free from any disease? Because she told you so? I mean really, this is a woman that obviously thinks little of sleeping with a married man especially with children, taking from his family, stealing in fact, his time and affections (and hopefully not finances) that should be spent with and on his family, and still being able to sleep at night. Why would you believe anyhting she has to say?
You didn’t answer my question. While you were giving your attention and affection to this other woman, your wife must have felt very alone in this marriage and probably realized something was wrong. So, because she was not receiving attention from you did she also cheat? If not why not? Was she too busy with making sure your children were taken care of, that meals were on the table, that the house was in order?
You are naive in your thinking and that the meer fact that you “trust” your girlfriend because she said she just had an exam and is free from disease shows that you are naive or just didn’t care.
However, I am so glad that you have been consulting with your Priest and going to confession and I agree that sometimes God allows us to hit a wall and the only way out is through him----I am very glad you found him because he is the one that will fill the hole in you.
To me you sound as though you would like to repair the damage done and that you are really sorry for cheating on your wife and family.
Whatever decision you make (to tell or not to tell) I hope all is well in the end.
Blessing to your wife and family.
M
Mdeal23
Guest
I understand what you are all saying. The other person and I have worked together for 6yrs and the most recent 2 we have grown closer together. She has 2 children also and I’m sure this will come as no surprise but went through a divorce 2 yrs ago. It was a full year before anything sexual happened and she was tested prior to that. This was not a loose person. We developed a very strong personal relationship that was very hard to end. The loss of just going to lunch together or talking about our problems at work is very hard to deal with. Yes my wife was feeling our marriage was broken. She had pretty much given up and was focused on the kids. She is a much more spiritual person than I and believes everything comes from God.
I know full well what I have done and that I am and always will be a sinner. There have been other sins in my life and depression. When my time comes and God decides to send me to Hell I will fully accept it. Right now I can only work to do better in trying to love God, my wife, and family. I have given up all my struggles to God because I have come to realize I cannot do it by myself. My whole life I lived thinking I could do it myself, that I didn’t need to rely on God. I am like a new born in all this and some days will be hard. I pray all the time that God gives me strength to keep moving toward him and not fall back into my other way of thinking. I feel that by not telling her and by changing myself and living the rest of my life with God, her and the children that if she did find out later it wouldn’t matter. I know if it was on the other shoe and I found out later but she had changed I wouldn’t care either.
I did receive your PM FMS. Thank you very much.
I know full well what I have done and that I am and always will be a sinner. There have been other sins in my life and depression. When my time comes and God decides to send me to Hell I will fully accept it. Right now I can only work to do better in trying to love God, my wife, and family. I have given up all my struggles to God because I have come to realize I cannot do it by myself. My whole life I lived thinking I could do it myself, that I didn’t need to rely on God. I am like a new born in all this and some days will be hard. I pray all the time that God gives me strength to keep moving toward him and not fall back into my other way of thinking. I feel that by not telling her and by changing myself and living the rest of my life with God, her and the children that if she did find out later it wouldn’t matter. I know if it was on the other shoe and I found out later but she had changed I wouldn’t care either.
I did receive your PM FMS. Thank you very much.
G
gmarie21
Guest
Don’t ever forget God’s mercy and forgiveness if you truly repent. While many fellow Catholics may seem like they’ve condemned you to Hell, they aren’t the judge and you must factor in that they may have been hurt by a spouse in a similar manner. But I cannot say that you will ever get past this in your head, and Satan will try his darnest to make sure you never do, to always feel like you’ll never be fully forgiven by God. Just remember, if you’ve truly repented and confessed, that any feelings of not being saved are from the Liar, not God.
H
horselvr
Guest
MDeal23:
All the best to you and again so very glad you are on track. You have remourse and this is the big part to recovery too I think as some are only sorry they got caught.
. Bless you in continuing on your path back to your family.
All the best to you and again so very glad you are on track. You have remourse and this is the big part to recovery too I think as some are only sorry they got caught.
. Bless you in continuing on your path back to your family.
P
Pastor_Brazell
Guest
One of the last things my father told me before passing away was that the answer to any question I would have in life could be found in the pages of the Holy Bible and as such I should let it be a light to guide me.
The Bible tells us in Mark 4:22 that what is done in darkness will always be exposed. Everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into light. It is inevitable that your spouse will find out about the affair. Wouldn’t it be better for a spouse to learn of this from his/her trusted partner and repentant spouse than to hear about it from some other source once it does come fully into the light? How much worse would things be for the guilty spouse if he/she was not only guilty of betrayal once with the act of adultery but also a second offense with the the act of deceit?
God will not heal what you are not willing to turn completely over to him. Keeping your secret is evidence that you have yet to turn the situation completely over to the Lord and to trust that He will provide healing for the pain and hurt that was the effect.
The Bible also states that God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) I do not believe that the Lord would want a person to continue to live in fear of being exposed.
The Bible tells us in Mark 4:22 that what is done in darkness will always be exposed. Everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into light. It is inevitable that your spouse will find out about the affair. Wouldn’t it be better for a spouse to learn of this from his/her trusted partner and repentant spouse than to hear about it from some other source once it does come fully into the light? How much worse would things be for the guilty spouse if he/she was not only guilty of betrayal once with the act of adultery but also a second offense with the the act of deceit?
God will not heal what you are not willing to turn completely over to him. Keeping your secret is evidence that you have yet to turn the situation completely over to the Lord and to trust that He will provide healing for the pain and hurt that was the effect.
The Bible also states that God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) I do not believe that the Lord would want a person to continue to live in fear of being exposed.
- Status