My advice is to stop trying so hard. It is not a struggle to find God. Struggles pertain to resisting Him or following Him once you have received the grace of faith in Him.
Are you confessing your sins regularly? The burden of sin separates us from God and diverts our attention from Him. A heart burdened with sin has no room for the Holy Spirit. It must first be emptied of sin.
When you confess, you
are hearing Christ speak through the Priest. The Priest forgives sin
in the person of, and with the authority of Christ. Do you find your priest’s advice hard to accept or follow? Good! So it was when Christ walked this earth.
Reflect on
Mark 2:5,
Luke 5:20 and
Luke 7:48. Those are the three cases recorded in scripture in which Jesus directly and verbally forgave sin. In each case, He told the sinner in so many words, “Your sins are forgiven.”
We hear that from the Priest - an
alter Christus.
Most important of all: Are you going directly to our Lord, and placing your doubts and difficulties before Him? No?
Then, there is no reason to complain. No investment, no return.
As always, I strongly suggest that you call your parish and find the times that they offer Adoration of Christ in the Most Blessed Sacrament. Then, borrowing a catch phrase from Nike, “Just do it” - Go and spend time in the presence of our Lord.
Let’s say that you don’t have the faith to look upon Christ without seeing only the accidents of bread. He already knows that you struggle with that. Tell Him anyway.
Sit. Gaze upon Him. Read. Pray. Just be as patient with our Lord as He has been with you.
In the insightful words of Fr. Benedict Groeschel† C.F.R…
“You can spend your life looking forward to it, or you can spend your life looking back on it. But, when you are aware that He is there, you will be changed.”
Miracles occur in the presence of our Lord at adoration - of that I can attest. Your miracle, the grace of unwavering faith, is prepared for you, if you will receive it. It is not a striving; a struggling - it is a letting go and weakening oneself so that God’s power has free reign in your heart.
He is waiting for you.