Has anyone here been a victim of spousal abuse?

[jakobsprenger]

Hey Nancy,

Just like to add my 2 cents worth (although being from Australia I think it’s only about .9 or thereabouts). You have done the right thing. As a cop one of the things I hate doing is going repeatedly to the same house and telling the (Wife usually) to get out. Yes I can take both to Court and implement restraining orders and such, but it really is down to the individual who is the victim of the abuse doing something. And you have and I applaud you for it. Now is the time where you have to be strong, because you’ll be second-guessing your situation, as you have for the last 25 years. You know the truth, and I suspect you’ve known it for quite some time. God wants us all to be happy, but sometimes we have to make difficult decisions in order to achieve it.

Kneel and pray, you know the answer. God does not expect you to be abused and hated. No one should have to be a victim of spousal abuse. You have taken the first steps on the road to your freedom, I will pray that God grants you the strength to continue with your course towards your ultimate goal…
.

 

[seekdatruth]

Gosh,
I’m not trying to detract from Nancy’s situation, but this has really given me a lot to think about. I’ve been in so much denial. You see my dh has specific triggers, bringing up has past betrayals being one, the alcohol the other. He has really been trying, and I, at the reinforcement of some members of my family and his, was believing that I could and should take control of the situation and just not trigger him. What better way to practice forgiveness and unselfishness than to allow my children to grow up with their father in the house, despite my personal feelings about him? Well, that’s what I was thinking. Now I can see how much our issues with each other are affecting our home life to the point that it could do some serious damage to the kids, as Nancy has unfortunately discovered the hard way. Oh, Nancy! My heart goes out to you!!! I wondered why it was not working out with my convalidation (I just wanted to be back in communion) I had never told the priest about the problems we’re having, I wasn’t even being upfront with myself about it. THere is like no way he could know, yet there has been so much resistance and hassle through this whole process that it made me think satan was throwing up roadblocks to discourage me. Now I wonder if this isn’t a sign of what God is trying to tell me about being in the wrong situation!
God is so good! I have prayed and prayed for the answer, and through the posts on this thread, I have received it! Thank you!! Please keep us updated, Nancy! Keep inspiring me, and maybe I can keep up my courage and do something for myself too!
Thank you!!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Whatever you do, DON’T believe any claims they have “changed.” No matter how convincing.

That kind NEVER changes. Their brains are hardwired to put themselves first.

And it is NOT a virtue to live your life tiptoeing around trying not to “trigger” someone. That “trigger” goalpost just keeps changing, but no one tells you you’ve tripped the wire till it’s too late. Then, 'That does it. You’ve really done it this time. You made me mad. It’s your fault." And you didn’t even know what you did.

To tiptoe around someone like that and offer it up or pretend you are being submissive to some virtue is the quick way to madness for yourself, the way to teach your children that bullies run the world, and a great way to firm in the batterer’s mind that they are right to be proud and abusive and to treat the person they vowed to love and cherish like a dog who chewed their favorite shoe.

No virtue there.

 

[dulcissima]

Recognizing the symptoms of an abusive marriage and taking action are really important. I stayed in my marriage too long. The toll was too hard on my older kids, and I am afraid that my teen age son has learned to view women the way that his father does. I have had problems not just with disrespect, but physical violence from him as well. My younger kids have had a much easier time dealing with the separation and divorce, and seem to really appreciate having home be a place of peace.

So, I would definitely encourage you to talk to your priest and to a counselor who has some familiarity with domestic violence.

Here is a page that the bishops have put together to address domestic violence which has some good information and links to resources:

usccb.org/laity/help.shtml

Keeping you in my prayers as you decide to take some action. Talking it over is an important first step, because all too often we keep too much of these problems to ourselves hoping that it will all go away or that you can just get really good at walking on eggshells and won’t trigger it anymore. That never works.

 

[seekdatruth]

Whatever you do, DON’T believe any claims they have “changed.” No matter how convincing.

That kind NEVER changes. Their brains are hardwired to put themselves first.

And it is NOT a virtue to live your life tiptoeing around trying not to “trigger” someone. That “trigger” goalpost just keeps changing, but no one tells you you’ve tripped the wire till it’s too late. Then, 'That does it. You’ve really done it this time. You made me mad. It’s your fault." And you didn’t even know what you did.

To tiptoe around someone like that and offer it up or pretend you are being submissive to some virtue is the quick way to madness for yourself, the way to teach your children that bullies run the world, and a great way to firm in the batterer’s mind that they are right to be proud and abusive and to treat the person they vowed to love and cherish like a dog who chewed their favorite shoe.

No virtue there.

Where were YOU 2 years ago? I almost (have a beautiful baby boy I don’t regret having) wish I’d gotten this message then, when everyone in RL was telling me I should just suck it up and do what’s “best for the kids”. OK, I’ve got stuff to do. I’ll try to get back on later.

 

[onlylove]

Wow Nancy I thought I was reading my story, except toss in alcoholism and sexual abuse. I was married for 19 years, and one day with the help of a friend woke up and realized I could not take it one more second. I went and talked to my priest and then talked to my Spiritual Director (who is also a priest). Because my husband was not Catholic, and we did not marry in the Church nor would he let us have our marriage blessed by a priest, and with the years of abuse, it was advised for me to leave, not only for my safety but for my daughters as well.

It is a tough decision. No one deserves to be abused, or to be forced into staying in an abusive relationship.

I do feel strongly about getting counseling, or going to a marriage retreat. But my x spouse would not have it. Guess he would have to own up to to much.

Have you both considered retrouvaille? It helps so many on the brink of divorce. retrouvaille.org/

I am here if you need someone to talk to. Peace, and I will be praying for and with you.

 

[EvelynEVF]

Retrouvaille is not appropriate for this kind of relationship. It takes too much vulnerability, which is not at all okay when you’re dealing with an abuser.

If you haven’t already, go read everything Liberano has ever posted on this subject!

After much thought, prayer, agonizing, etc, I moved out four months ago, and now I wish I had done it years before. The healing can feel like being strapped to the front of a speeding train, so be ready for that Having so much strain lifted so suddenly requires a lot of adjustment.

The greatest thing for me has been being mentored by a married couple. The husband is a deacon and a psychologist, and the wife is thoroughly educated in spirituality and direction. To be loved by them is overwhelming, and has helped rewrite a lot of the scripts that I carry from the marriage. If you can find people like that, please do. You will need an incredible amount of support.

It’s like extreme culture shock, but truly a blessing to be out. My prayers are with you. Many of us here have been in your shoes or something close, and we care about you!

 

[Celtic_FC]

Geez Nancy…this dude needs major help. I said a prayer for him.

 

[onlylove]

Retrouvaille is not appropriate for this kind of relationship. It takes too much vulnerability, which is not at all okay when you’re dealing with an abuser.

If you haven’t already, go read everything Liberano has ever posted on this subject!

After much thought, prayer, agonizing, etc, I moved out four months ago, and now I wish I had done it years before. The healing can feel like being strapped to the front of a speeding train, so be ready for that Having so much strain lifted so suddenly requires a lot of adjustment.

The greatest thing for me has been being mentored by a married couple. The husband is a deacon and a psychologist, and the wife is thoroughly educated in spirituality and direction. To be loved by them is overwhelming, and has helped rewrite a lot of the scripts that I carry from the marriage. If you can find people like that, please do. You will need an incredible amount of support.

It’s like extreme culture shock, but truly a blessing to be out. My prayers are with you. Many of us here have been in your shoes or something close, and we care about you!

I agree with what you said about the adjustment. I call it damage control and clean up. I was in culture shock for a while too. It was the hardest and best thing I ever did.

I did not realize Retrouvaille was not appropriate for that kind of relationship. Good thing my x refused to go then. It might of just caused more pain and suffering. I don’t know enough about it, only what I read on their site.

 

[EvelynEVF]

I did not realize Retrouvaille was not appropriate for that kind of relationship. Good thing my x refused to go then. It might of just caused more pain and suffering. I don’t know enough about it, only what I read on their site.

It’s a general rule that couples counseling is not appropriate for abusive relationships, because one of the goals of couples’ counseling is to put the partners on equal footing and help them see each other’s perspective. This validates the abuser’s perspective and just compounds the problem.

My dh persuaded me to go to a video conference once, before I knew better, and I did it because we knew people who would be there and I was embarrassed. All it did was given him a new “program” to try on me and distract from the real issues. I didn’t go back after the first session.

 

[onlylove]

It’s a general rule that couples counseling is not appropriate for abusive relationships, because one of the goals of couples’ counseling is to put the partners on equal footing and help them see each other’s perspective. This validates the abuser’s perspective and just compounds the problem.

My dh persuaded me to go to a video conference once, before I knew better, and I did it because we knew people who would be there and I was embarrassed. All it did was given him a new “program” to try on me and distract from the real issues. I didn’t go back after the first session.

I see what you mean. I do admit, I am quite naive in this area. Obviously (ugh), I was with in that situation for 21 years and married 19 of those. But I am learning leaps and bounds now that I am out. This march will be 2 1/2 years :extrahappy: . I am quite certain I have so much to learn still.

I think that is why I enjoy reading things here on CA. It gives me the answers I need, while trying to live my faith. I don’t participate much, mostly just read.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You know how most normal men would rather have bamboo shoots under their fingernails than “talk” about a relationship? Abusers are the opposite. They’ll drag YOU to the shrink. A perceptive shrink should recognize that if the man initiates the counselling that is a red flag. Often he is just looking for someone to enlist them in controlling his spouse. (Yes, women can be abusers… whole 'nuther kettle of fish.)

I was dragged to one shrink after another by the ex. He was looking for someone to certify that I was crazy. That would have given him validation that I was the reason everything was wrong.

He’d do all the talking for me. I ended up walking out of one session. Bad sign when you need a referee for your marriage.

Same thing with Retrouvaille. I tried that. Almost walked out. By its very nature it can’t deal with the battering/abusive personality. Everything you say or write will be used against you later. Plus the abuser doesn’t like the format because it is the couple talking and writing to each other. There is no third party for them to bamboozle and reel in and enlist in their campaign for control. Mine didn’t bother to go to the follow-up lessons or do the writing exercises. Turned out his purpose in going was to pretend to want to work on the marriage and get back into the house so he could convince me to move with him the next year to another state far from my family. Once he was back in the house, all pretense ended. Then I couldn’t get him out again.

I fell for it. I so desperately wanted to believe he wanted the marriage to work.



They use that against you. They are evil.

 

[seekdatruth]

Hey Nancy,

You have done the right thing. As a cop one of the things I hate doing is going repeatedly to the same house and telling the (Wife usually) to get out. Yes I can take both to Court and implement restraining orders and such, but it really is down to the individual who is the victim of the abuse doing something.

Why is it the victim that has to leave? I don’t about Australia, but US shelters I’ve seen are no place to bring small children. This was very frustrating to me when a man once hit me, but not hard enough to leave a mark, yet *I *was the one who was told to leave with my child. I am more or less orphaned by my family, and do not have friends I could depend on. I’ve been warned if I just take off with the kids, it could be kidnapping. If I take off alone, it could be abandonment, in which case, I could potentially suffer the loss of any custodial rights to my dear children.
Liberanosamalo, while your advice may be much needed for many women who are in a seriously dangerous predicament, after much consideration on my part, I’ve come to realize that maybe the gravity of *my *situation is not that of a woman that needs to throw herself and her two children into the cold just yet. MY PTSD from my past is putting a great deal of strain on my current situation. (I think I’m overreacting due to very bad situations I have been in the past.) I arranged to have the children out of harm’s way today, and tested those “triggers”. He didn’t react as I expected, and he stayed pretty calm. Not to say I’m back to just plodding along in typical denial, in fact I’ve decided to remain extremely vigilant. I’m going to thoroughly examine things again, with the help of a therapist, before I take a big leap. I’d like to clarify that my current husband is not typically physically violent, and the only incidences where he was, he was VERY drunk. If I see the vodka bottle out, I have fair warning to bug out!
Nancy, you go girl! You deserve to be free of abuse. God bless you and keep you safe! When I feel all is falling apart and utterly alone, I imagine Jesus’s arms wrapped tightly around me. I will pray an extra 10 on my rosary tonight, just for you!

 

[seekdatruth]

You know how most normal men would rather have bamboo shoots under their fingernails than “talk” about a relationship? Abusers are the opposite. They’ll drag YOU to the shrink. A perceptive shrink should recognize that if the man initiates the counselling that is a red flag. Often he is just looking for someone to enlist them in controlling his spouse. (Yes, women can be abusers… whole 'nuther kettle of fish.)

I was dragged to one shrink after another by the ex. He was looking for someone to certify that I was crazy. That would have given him validation that I was the reason everything was wrong.

He’d do all the talking for me. I ended up walking out of one session. Bad sign when you need a referee for your marriage.

Same thing with Retrouvaille. I tried that. Almost walked out. By its very nature it can’t deal with the battering/abusive personality. Everything you say or write will be used against you later. Plus the abuser doesn’t like the format because it is the couple talking and writing to each other. There is no third party for them to bamboozle and reel in and enlist in their campaign for control. Mine didn’t bother to go to the follow-up lessons or do the writing exercises. Turned out his purpose in going was to pretend to want to work on the marriage and get back into the house so he could convince me to move with him the next year to another state far from my family. Once he was back in the house, all pretense ended. Then I couldn’t get him out again.

I fell for it. I so desperately wanted to believe he wanted the marriage to work.



They use that against you. They are evil.

This is such a true observation! I’ve seen this garbage too.
Good advice!

 

[nancy347]

**Geez Nancy…this dude needs major help. I said a prayer for him.
** lol im sorry this just made me chuckle the way u said it. Thank you for your prayers for my husband, he needs many.

Hi friends, well it is already february 22, 2009, time flies even when u r not having fun. I found an apartment and moved in on february 7, 2009. Since i am disabled, volunteers from a local fraternity, 4 wonderful young men, moved the furniture that i needed from my house to my new apartment. God Bless them, i couldnt have done it literally without them. I have bailey with me, nice to have my buddy back, she is getting used to running around the property her about 215 acres. This has been a very scary time for me. This is the first time that im on my own again, without my children living at home, so im alone. I think in a way that is a good thing that im by myself because i have so much to learn. I love my counselor so far, she is great, she gives me things to read and homework to do, the hard part is that im going back almost 52 years to relearn my thinking from growing up in an alcoholic/abusive home with my father and a passive mother. It is very daunting to try to correct ur skewed thinking after all of these years, but i dont really have a choice, if i dont push forward, i will go backwards, and i dont want to live that life anymore. So for me right now its a minute by minute, hour by hour, day to day life. I look at my future as a totally blank canvas, and am hoping through the Graces of our Loving God and a lot of hard work that i will start painting a picture of who God created me to be. I dont look at the canvas because it is blank, and it is scary, but i have to think in the present right now, something i have never done in my life, and as i glance once in awhile at that canvas i hope to see beautiful forms and colors shaping. I dont really discuss anything with my children, they dont ask questions, i only speak to bob when it comes to what bills need to get paid. I am still handling our checking account, paying down our credit cards, which isnt a lot, but i want to make sure all bills r paid for both houses, until bob is ready to take care of his household bills. I want to make sure that our son gets paid back the money he loaned me to fly down to johns hopkins in baltimore to the hospital when i had pancreatitis. Supposedly bob has or had a wednesday appointment with his counselor, that would be his second visit. He had called the spritual director also, but i dont know if he is going to be seeing the deacon. Bob said it will be harder for him to get rid of his anger than the porn, but i have to leave that up to him, i cant help him anymore except to pray, which is even hard for me to do with him at this time, i do pray for him, but right now it is like a bitter pill that u swallow, something u dont enjoy, but do it because it needs to be done. I wasnt able to move to new jersey as i hoped, the dv counselor up here and the one down in jersey and myself, spoke over the phone for two hours, and after all of that, the intake counselor in nj said they couldnt help me because i wouldnt be in imminent danger down there, duh yeah its 350 miles away from here, the dv counselor up here said that i am in imminent danger up here but that didnt change it, so i proceeded to find an apartment up here, i feel that is Gods plan for me right now, since He sent me a good counselor, a spiritual director, and many other people into my life up here at this point in time, and i was able to find an apt that took dogs, so that was important. Legal aid sent me a divorce questionnaire a couple of weeks ago which i filled out and mailed back, to see if they will represent me in a legal separation and alimony and then a divorce. Here is new york u have to be legally separated for a year before u can go for a divorce and they do not have no fault divorce here like they do in jersey, so i will be going for abuse i guess, which i really didnt want to drag up all of the garbage, but one day at a time i guess. I pray that they will help me establish alimony and a legal separation as soon as possible, because right now i am relying on bobs good graces to let me take a little money out of our joint account, which is his paycheck, to take care of my needs, i dont know how long he will be so gracious though. Well i am off to do chores, i will keep u posted, and i want to thank you all so much for ur advise and for ur prayers, and im sorry to hear the stories that others have posted on this thread about their horrid lives. I pray for you all and your families, and if you wouldnt mind please keep me and my family and others that i have met thru the safe house that have little children, and no where to go. God’s richest blessings on you all, i could not have done this without your advise, u were my first stop on this journey. With lots of grateful love and hugs, nancy xo

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Glad to hear things are going good. One bit of advice. That blank canvas… picture it as being blank, but your favorite color. The color YOU choose. The rest is details.

It may help EVERYONE, even your children, to have a court record of the abuse so someday they can’t reinvent the wheel and act like you walked out for no good reason. Plus it may make your son think twice someday that some woman may put similiar things down in a court document about him.

Enjoy the peace. You have earned it.

 

[nancy347]

Hi liberano so nice to hear from you. My favorite color is green so ill think of that for my canvas. That is a good idea about having it documented, yes history does get reinvented even if it is out of the childrens own denial. I actually worry more about my daughter, sarah, since she seems to be getting into relationships with young men that have problems, u know i have to fix this fella cause i couldnt fix my father, so i ask the Blessed Mother and St Joseph, to keep them in Their care. I dont have the peace yet, well i have quiet that im not getting yelled at all the time, hehe, but im actually scared to death right now, and constantly call on the Father to hold me and give me His Peace, i feel like a lost child in a store crying out for their parent, but if i listen to God this time, i know that the peace will come the true peace that only God can give. God bless you liberano, hope we talk again soon. love, nancy xo

 

[EvelynEVF]

Congratulations, Nancy. I know it took a lot to make the move. I wish you the best as you rebuild.

Evelyn

 

[nancy347]

Thank you so much evelyn i appreciate ur thoughts and prayers, please know that u and ur family r in mine as well. love, nancy

 

[thereseozi]

Here is a page that the bishops have put together to address domestic violence which has some good information and links to resources:
usccb.org/laity/help.shtml

Thank you so much for providing the above resource.

All the posts in this thread have been very valuable and greatly appreciated.

Nancy you are an inspiration to me! God bless you and I will be praying for you and all those who suffer from abuse.