Has anyone here been a victim of spousal abuse?

[nancy347]

I read this bishops letter, it made me cry. It is hard to see the people who r being abused, we learn to hide it so well. I cannot believe that i have experienced this from the womb until now, age 51. You get so used to things, the survival skills u learn to help u cope, the adrenalin of living a chaotic life, u feel uneasy when u dont have chaos in ur life because that is all that u have learned how to deal with. I pray that if i have done anything by starting this thread, that it will help someone else get out of their situation as soon as u can, and to realize it isnt ur fault, there is no reason in the world for anyone to be mistreated. I wish i could express what i am feeling right now but i cannot put it into words. Ive been nervous lately because my husband has been extremely quiet since i moved into my apartment. It is very unsettling when u r used to a particular person being in ur face constantly to all of a sudden them being very quiet, u r waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is he going to try to hurt me, or does he not care anymore. It can also lead us victims into complacency, thinking well hes quiet now i can let my guard down a bit, and then if u talk to your husband, u end up getting sucked back in to his empty promises again, u can feel all of these emotions at the same time, which is what i am going thru at this point in time, why is he so quiet, why is he letting me take small amounts of money out to take care of my needs, is he plotting something or did he just give up. As victims we have to learn to trust ourselves and God, victims do not understand these concepts, trust is a foreign word to us. We have to learn to trust ourselves so we dont get sucked back into the vacuum, and learn to trust God as our Father as a male figure Who really will help us, not like our earthly spouses. Thank you for giving me this website i have sent it on to family and friends, so we can all learn about this tragic way of life that so many r trying to survive in. Love, nancy

 

[EvelynEVF]

I hear you. It took me months (and I’m still not there yet) to find out what normal really is. Last week my spiritual director said something careless that offended me, and after agonizing for a couple days, I finally got up the nerve to phone him and let him know. He asked for clarification, then immediately apologized and said he would be very careful not to do it again.

My head was almost spinning, and I think I may have ended the conversation abruptly, because for the last decade, anytime I told my husband he had hurt my feelings, he would tell me I had no business being hurt because he didn’t mean it, then he would get angry and defensive and tell me all the ways that I had offended him in the last year or so, which he had never bothered to tell me at the time, but I was magically supposed to know.

To have someone just plain apologize, without any excuses, and want to know that he had offended me because he loves me and doesn’t want to accidentally do it again? That’s normal. Even though it just about knocked me over, that’s just the baseline!

To not have to second-guess every move you make, because no one is breathing down your neck waiting for a chance to scold you? That’s normal, too!

To cook and eat what you want, without someone over the age of five making faces and reluctantly choking it down? Normal.

To have people offer to help you when you need help, and not expect you to do everything for them without even being asked? Normal.

Today, ENJOY NORMAL. Pretty soon you might even start to get used to it.

Love,
Evelyn

 

[nancy347]

You are absolutely right evelyn, i am looking forward to being and feeling normal, what a concept isnt it lol, who would have thought about this great idea of normal except for God of course! You saying that to me has given me great hope. I hope that the administrators let this thread keep going, so people who r in this situation can get hope from the postings also and those who havent experienced it will learn, like the bishops said that this situation is happening in households around the world and we can all become better informed. God bless you evelyn, that one word normal has made me very happy today! God bless you as u continue on ur healing process. love, nancy

 

[ajcoley1]

Nancy I am so proud of you! The people here are excellent.
I shocked myself last night. Took the kids to $3 theater, on the way home I had to correct my dd’s rudeness, my oldest, 18, who lives with his (abusive) father said “What did SHE do wrong?” over and over, I just kept ignoring him & said what was needed to DD. Son thinks meanness is normal! I shocked myself. It’s an awesome, aha moment when you realize you don’t have to take certain behaviors. Took me 7 yrs to figure that out. And the second guessing that Evelyn described? That is slowly going away too. Actually, what I did with my kids is a perfect example!
God Bless You!

 

[Xplorer]

I will be married 25 years at the end of january, 2009. I am married to a man who has a history of anger, verbal, mental and physical abuse. We have been to counselors since we got married in 1984, he really wanted to learn how to control his temper and why he did things he would do, but keeps relapsing. We have separated several times, the last time from 2003 to 2006, and were a month away from our divorce being finalized, but i took him back again, hoping that if i just loved him enough he would change. Here it is 3 years later, and he doesnt like God, still has a temper, gets paranoid about things, and nit picks at me all of the time. He doesnt think that he does anything wrong, hes 52 yo and watches mtv and teenage shows, is addicted to porn, tries to hide it, and after we moved out of state a year and a half ago and are empty nesters now, he sits and watches these stupid shows on tv and is on the internet a lot. As we are getting ready to celebrate our 25th anniversary, it is actually making me more sad and i feel like a fake because we dont have anything in common anymore, our children are grown and i went back with him the last time, so that our daughter would be able to finish high school in the town we lived in. Again, i feel like a fake, i am not happy in this relationship, the more i try to show him love the more it seems to depress him, he doesnt want to hear about God anymore and says everything is my fault. I started counseling today to try and figure out of i should just give up and leave him for good. I have been waiting for 25 years for him to become stable with his anger and his views on God but i am really tired of this and feel like we are just two strangers living in our house. Advise would be welcome. Peace, Nancy

I was raised in a family full of violent tempers.
It was the only way I learned to vent frustration.
That and unforgiveness were destroying my life.
Through long hours on my knees asking Gods help
and solid teachers I learned how to change.
…and help others in my family as well.
First thing that began to effect change was to read prayerfully:
1 Corinthians 13 at least twice a day. Like medicine.
I applied my name and made it personal. I have the love of Christ in me that is perfect , even as the Father is perfect. I am patient. I am kind,I dont even notice when others do it wrong …etc.
I kept at it for months …which led into years. It took discipline but it paid off in huge dividends.
The Bible states; Be transformed … by the renewing of your mind through the washing of God’s word.
If you can find a "teachable moment’ perhaps you can suggest this to your husband. and perhaps do it together … applying the words to yourselves and those you love.
If he is opposed to that then do it anyway… on your own . apply the words to him and yourself. Make it a lifestyle. God honors that kind of tenacity. The fruit will be amazing.
I am witness to that.