Have past sexual experiences been tough for you in future relationship?

Status
Not open for further replies.
I’d say no to each as well, but, my experiences were pretty limited before marriage. My only regret is that I didn’t treat those I dated in a more unselfish and Christlike way. In today’s world I think it is very unrealistic to expect a future spouse to have no sexual experience. It would be better for them if they did not, but I never expected it (although I did expect it of myself). As it turns out, we married at 39 and 37, and neither of us had ever been with anybody. That’s not to say we hadn’t made mistakes. I’ve never felt bad about her mistakes (she’s kept those private), but I feel sad for her that she has felt bad about it.

The restraint we show in obeying God in relationships before marriage yields VERY useful strengths in marriage. God’s ideal is a high standard and very VERY counter cultural. Consider vigorously pursuing holiness in this area of your life from here forward. And forgive yourself! Also check out chastity project - great stuff there.
 
Last edited:
I think many times this culture of unchaste behavior can really affect a marriage. Our transition from birth control to a holy sex life was incredibly hard because of our past behavior and expectations.

So that is something to think about, how a chaste and holy marriage can evolve from a place where sex was done for wrong reasons. And this applies to sex outside of marriage and with a different partner than you end up with.

I think a lot of people who don’t think harm was done by past experiences don’t really introspect on how untrue that might be.
 
Yes , yes and in some instances, yes. I had to go through a long journey to untangle myself from it.
 
That’s not so though. Without being graphic, consider a person who’s had many fleeting and different experiences. How can that compare to the intimacy of two people who know each other’s bodies and souls as well as their own ?
 
My wife and I met and married late in life…what those past relationships did was show us what kind of person we wanted to spend the rest of lives with…
 
GospelOfMatthew said:
Has anyone found that past sexual experiences, especially if they were multiple times (I mean consensual experiences) have made it tougher for you in future relationships?
Click to expand...
No. They gave me a jaundiced view of sex generally but I didn’t have any problem with “future relationships”, I simply picked people who could deal with me having a jaundiced view of sex. There are a lot of people in the world for whom sex is not the main thing on their mind in a relationship, it’s maybe fourth or fifth down the list. Those are my favorite kind of people.
Do you feel guilty or sad or regretful or feel that you should apologize to the person you are currently in a relationship with?
Click to expand...
No. Someone who truly cares about you doesn’t expect you to be groveling about learning experiences you had or mistakes you made in your past. Also, any man who insisted on his girlfriend/ future wife being a virgin would have been hugely incompatible with me, probably in many ways other than sexually, so it never came up.
For those who are married, has it been painful knowing your spouse has had other sexual experiences, whether sex or different sexual acts?
Click to expand...
Nope. A large part of our relationship involved generally de-emphasizing sex. We had it and we enjoyed it, but I had been with other guys who were jealous and obsessed with what I was or wasn’t doing sexually, and guys who were extremely promiscuous (think dozens of girls), and guys who had othre hangups, and I also had to deal with a Church that felt at the time like it was making weird, impossible demands on my life, and a certain amount of parental hassle/ hysteria about the issue which I understand better now but didn’t at the time.
I just wanted a guy who didn’t care about any of that and was just going to be with me no matter what and never hassle me about my behavior and be my good friend.
I found one. I thank God daily for that.

Sex is one thing in your life. It’s important for marriage and kids. But it shouldn’t be taking on big huge Rock of Gibraltar status. Put it in its proper place, leave it there, put it away in the cupboard sometimes and do something else.
 
Last edited:
In a society that worships at the altar of sex without consequences, it is hardly surprising that society ridicules the concept that sex was designed by God to be open to life in a monogamous expression of marital love. This church wisdom seems foolish I suppose. But what if it really is true that “the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom” in this area of life? Every time I have followed God’s rules, even when counterintuitive or counter cultural, it has always resulted in blessings and benefits far beyond whatever sacrifices and difficulties I went through in order to obey. God has proven that true over and over and over again in my life.
 
What I will say though is that a Catholic will have a whole different view of sex than that. And see it as part of a bigger purpose than just pleasure.
 
Comparing marriage with a series of one off experiences is like comparing apples and oranges. It’s quite possible to have a fantastic Catholic marriage in every way as many of us here do!
 
halogirl said:
Comparing marriage with a series of one off experiences is like comparing apples and oranges. It’s quite possible to have a fantastic Catholic marriage in every way as many of us here do!
Click to expand...
Sure. No one denies it. But that is not the ONLY way to have excellent marriages. I am going to leave this thread, because three of my posts have been “hidden” due to flags. The sad truth is that all of them were polite posts, without saying anything inappropriate.

According to the forum rules and guidelines it is permissible to have a differing opinion, as long as they are expressed in a polite and respectful manner. I guess, it is not really the case. I wonder how many “flags” are necessary to have a post to get hidden. 😉
 
Economist said:
I am going to leave this thread, because three of my posts have been “hidden” due to flags. The sad truth is that all of them were polite posts, without saying anything inappropriate.
Click to expand...
I’m seeing a lot of that in the last few days. I’m not sure what’s going on.
 
GospelOfMatthew said:
Has anyone found that past sexual experiences, especially if they were multiple times (I mean consensual experiences) have made it tougher for you in future relationships?
Click to expand...
Depends on what you mean. For me, the past sexual relationships often comeback vividly in my memory and cause me near occasion of sin and sometimes leads me to sin.
Do you feel guilty or sad or regretful or feel that you should apologize to the person you are currently in a relationship with?
Click to expand...
This is a little bit of a loaded question. If I could go back and time and change things, I sure would. However, I try not to think about it unless I sin due to past memories.
For those who are married, has it been painful knowing your spouse has had other sexual experiences, whether sex or different sexual acts?
Click to expand...
Painful is not the right word. But there was one think my wife told me that happened once with a previous boyfriend that I used to wish she did with me. So SOMETIMES it slightly bothers me that she did something with one guy that she’s never done with me.

I hope this was not too graphic and I hope it answers your question. But needless to say, if we had both practiced chastity before marriage, I honestly think things would be better.

NOTE: If someone thinks I’m too graphic, please PM me and I will edit my post.

God bless.
 
Last edited:
It hasn’t been a problem for me, but different people attach different meaning and importance on various things for a variety of reasons.

I think it’s most important to be honest with yourself and your partner about your feelings on the issue, so you can make sure you are on the same page or can work to get to the same page.

If you walk through an old cemetery, it soon becomes clear that many, if not most people were married more than once if they lived to old age. It was common to lose a spouse and remarry. So people have always dealt with the fact that a partner has been with another person before them. Indeed, having been married to a person and perhaps raised kids with them is a bigger issue and a deeper intimacy than simply having sex with someone (which may or may not include a committed relationship). Yet people understand that sex/marriage/intimacy are normal parts of life and humans are perfectly capable of adapting, moving on and weaving all manner of experiences into the narrative of life.

We can get hung up on anything or we can find ways to integrate experiences, even ultimately learning from them and being better for it, if we so choose and are willing to do the work involved.

I was surprised after my divorce (after 27 years of marriage) that it wasn’t harder to move on and have relationships with other people. Yes, I had to grieve the loss of my marriage, the loss of my future plans, and having an intact family, but after doing so I was very able to move forward to love again, be intimate, commit and care for another person. It’s just part of life.

I think it helps if you trust the process, whatever process or higher power you believe in, that you can navigate the seas of life as people have before you, as people do beside you and as people will do after you. Humans have a great capacity to love, heal and move on.
 
Just logged in and read through the thread. I’m pretty sure your posts were flagged because someone felt you violated forum rule #5:
Non-Catholics are welcome to participate but must be respectful of the faith of the Catholics participating on the board.
Some of your comments are not quite in line with Church teaching.
Just an FYI. There really has been an uptick in flagged posts lately.🤔
 
Last edited:
I’m also pretty sure that for posts to be hidden, more than one person has to flag them, so probably several people found the posts objectionable.
 
I saw nothing flagable in your posts and you are correct that you have been polite. I think some people take offence at an unpopular viewpoint that we would not consider in keeping with the Church. But I am sorry that the public can flag posts in the format we have now for CAF because of this. It is far better to engage well meaning posters in dialogue especially when the premise (as yours was) was incredibly untenable. The ideology you were putting forth was more conducive to trashy daytime TV baby daddy shows than the entirety of the history of mankind with billions of humans and relationships. An odd position for one who prides themselves on the rational…
No flag needed!😆
 
humbleseeker said:
Just logged in and read through the thread. I’m pretty sure your posts were flagged because someone felt you violated forum rule #5:
Non-Catholics are welcome to participate but must be respectful of the faith of the Catholics participating on the board.

Just an FYI. There really has been an uptick in flagged posts lately.
Click to expand...
Well, in my neck of the woods, being respectful does not equal agreement. 🙂 If respectful disagreement is disallowed, that is very discouraging. Looks like that many people are uncomfortable of being exposed to disagreement.
Tis_Bearself said:
I’m also pretty sure that for posts to be hidden, more than one person has to flag them, so probably several people found the posts objectionable.
Click to expand...
I have no information about this. I heard that not all “flaggers” are equal, some people higher on the “food-chain” can make just one flag, and it will hide the post. But I have no information about it. It may just be a rumor.
Hoosier-Daddy said:
It is far better to engage well meaning posters in dialogue especially when the premise (as yours was) was incredibly untenable.
Click to expand...
In that case a simple refutation would have been in order. With actual data supporting the argument. 🙂 To say that some post is against the official teachings of the church is laughable. Of course it is against the teachings… what else would it be? Even self-proclaimed Catholics disagree with some teachings of the church. If you think that my posts were based upon some incredible untenable" foundation, you could have enumerated my errors, for everyone’s edification - mine included.

If you would think about 100,000+ years of humanity, and realize that less than a handful people ever lived according to the principle of “one partner” and “no sex outside the marriage” then you might rethink about lack of “rationality” of my principles. Of course the number of proponents does not make a principle rational, but you might think about the millennia who lived according to it.
The truth is that the new format, with community flags is not conducive to meaningful dialogues. The old forum was much nicer, but it needed more money to sustain it. In my opinion (shared by many others) the flags should be publicly displayed, hopefully with the avatar of the “flagger” and the reason for the flags - for us to learn from it. It is possible that it might lead to flag-wars, but then people might learn to exercise self-restraint, and only flag those posts which are clearly against the forum rules. Using profane language, calling someone bad names, spamming, attempting to “evangelize”, etc… for example. Of course the basic “welcoming” message could be changed to say explicitly: “opinions, which do not conform with the official teachings of church are not welcome”.

Oh, well. It is not my place to suggest how to manage the forum. All I can do is decrease or stop the participation. There is only one good reason why I would like to keep my avatar valid, that being the ability to follow conversations.
 
Economist said:
The old forum was much nicer, but it needed more money to sustain it. In my opinion (shared by many others) the flags should be publicly displayed, hopefully with the avatar of the “flagger” and the reason for the flags - for us to learn from it.
Click to expand...
If that were the case, few people would flag, because anyone who flags and identifies themself as the flagger runs a large risk of being harassed by the recipient of the flag. It has happened over and over on here. I would suggest if you want to further discuss the flagging system, please start or add to a thread in Site Feedback subforum to avoid derailing the thread topic here.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top