Have you heard a coming-out story from someone who has same-sex attraction?

[estesbob]

By trying really hard. If my experience can be any kind of guide in that. In thinking that the cure to SSA is to get really serious with a girl. To sort of put your hopes in that.

But good luck with it. Because it can maybe help mask things for a bit. It can give a guy hope that he’s over that side of things for a little while. By giving him a distraction from it. By giving him a strong physical proxy. But it does nothing to end the desire. It does nothing to end his strong pull there. Even if they get married. Like in my case. All that happened was a lot of mental fantasies. To keep relations possible. In the end it’s a lot of mental games to get things to make sense. To keep trying to go with the flow of it. Until it all comes unraveled. Because of a single mistake. A single miss can reveal the lie.

Peace Rau.

-Trident

One of my daughters Husband just separated from her after admitting he was Homosexual and was in a relationship with another man. They have been married 23 years.

 

[Rau]

One of my daughters Husband just separated from her after admitting he was Homosexual and was in a relationship with another man. They have been married 23 years.

So is such a man saying he experiences attractions to men and to women and at this point in time, the attraction to the other man dominates. *

A sad development regardless.*

 

[estesbob]

So is such a man saying he experiences attractions to men and to women and at this point in time, the attraction to the other man dominates. *

A sad development regardless.*

Evidently it does in his case! And it is a sad development.

 

[Rau]

By trying really hard. If my experience can be any kind of guide in that. In thinking that the cure to SSA is to get really serious with a girl. To sort of put your hopes in that.

But good luck with it. Because it can maybe help mask things for a bit. It can give a guy hope that he’s over that side of things for a little while. By giving him a distraction from it. By giving him a strong physical proxy. But it does nothing to end the desire. It does nothing to end his strong pull there. Even if they get married. Like in my case. All that happened was a lot of mental fantasies. To keep relations possible. In the end it’s a lot of mental games to get things to make sense. To keep trying to go with the flow of it. Until it all comes unraveled. Because of a single mistake. A single miss can reveal the lie.

Peace Rau.

-Trident

I note your attractions go both ways, thus the scenario is more understandable. If a man is homosexual and gets to the point of discussing marriage with a woman, either he is putting on a determined and effective effort at (self) deception, or the woman is less perceptive than I’d expect.

 

[Trident_H]

One of my daughters Husband just separated from her after admitting he was Homosexual and was in a relationship with another man. They have been married 23 years.

I’m sorry to hear that. I really am. I was done in about 3 1/2. But I never admitted anything to her. And I think that was part of the problem. I got to play the game alone. And then one carelessly kept letter unpinned our fantasy together. For good.

Peace estesbob. I wish things didn’t fall apart so much these days.

-Trident

 

[estesbob]

I’m sorry to hear that. I really am. I was done in about 3 1/2. But I never admitted anything to her. And I think that was part of the problem. I got to play the game alone. And then one carelessly kept letter unpinned our fantasy together. For good.

Peace estesbob. I wish things didn’t fall apart so much these days.

-Trident

This one came to a head when she saw some text messages. I suspected he was having an affair because of some his behavior but quite honestly was floored when I found out it was another man!

 

[bobballen_18]

To have homosexual desires, as long as they are rejected the person is practicing the virtue of purity. If a person becomes aware that all their sexual desires seem to be directed toward same sex attraction then they should know immediately that they have been called by God to remain single and chaste their whole life long.

I want to respond to more than this in your post, but I don’t want to let the thread get too far off-topic. I just want to throw this out there: I disagree 100% with the unequivocal statement that SSA individuals are called to “remain single and chaste their whole life long”. Without getting into it any further (if you wish to do so, feel free to message me so we don’t derail the thread), it is insulting to individuals with SSA to tell them it is impossible for them to “grow out”, so to speak, of SSA, and to make such a claim is to in some way support the general secular idea that homosexuality is inherent in one’s identity and cannot be changed. When you adopt this idea, it is easy to fall into the falsehood that homosexual activity is also normal and okay.

 

[bobballen_18]

I have never directly (i.e., in person) heard a coming-out story, though I have seen a few via internet.

I have mixed feelings about this, though I think my views are quickly evolving on the general topic of homosexuality as I work through my own issues.

On one hand, I tend to look on “coming out” as negative thing, though that is probably largely due to the secular culture encouraging it so that they can then encourage them to be okay with a same-sex relationship.

On the other hand, I am coming to believe that “coming out” to the right people, for the right reasons, is very beneficial to someone with SSA. Obviously telling a priest and/or spiritual director is I think essential, because in my opinion people with SSA tend to have false beliefs about themselves which are spiritually harmful. However, although I in no way support the idea that homosexuality is ever an “identity” or even a part of anyone’s true identity, there is something to be said about talking to your close friends about something so deep and personal which you are struggling with. I hesitate to say this, since it sounds like I could be supporting the idea of “celebrating” one’s SSA, but for many people, it is going to be tough to really connect with people if they feel they are not free to share certain things about themselves.

I don’t know if you see what I’m trying to say or not, but since I view homosexuality (male homosexuality at least, can’t speak for female) as an identity problem (with many possible root causes), there are so many things which flow from that, which in my mind make it okay to have to share these things with people.

So I guess in conclusion, no, I don’t support “coming out” in the sense that, “I accept this as my identity and you should too” and/or similar sentiments; but I tend towards wanting to support “coming out” in the sense of “I am broken (as are all humans), I need support”, or “I acknowledge I suffer from this” and other similar ideas.

 

[Rau]

I want to respond to more than this in your post, but I don’t want to let the thread get too far off-topic. I just want to throw this out there: I disagree 100% with the unequivocal statement that SSA individuals are called to “remain single and chaste their whole life long”. Without getting into it any further (if you wish to do so, feel free to message me so we don’t derail the thread), it is insulting to individuals with SSA to tell them it is impossible for them to “grow out”, so to speak, of SSA, and to make such a claim is to in some way support the general secular idea that homosexuality is inherent in one’s identity and cannot be changed. When you adopt this idea, it is easy to fall into the falsehood that homosexual activity is also normal and okay.

You are correct in that SSA does not imply no possibility of marriage. However, if one is also absent any degree of OSA, that certainly weighs against successful marriage.

As to whether the sexual orientation one experiences may change materially, this is unclear, and asserting an answer one way or the other seems speculative.

 

[Trident_H]

I have never directly (i.e., in person) heard a coming-out story, though I have seen a few via internet.

I have mixed feelings about this, though I think my views are quickly evolving on the general topic of homosexuality as I work through my own issues.

On one hand, I tend to look on “coming out” as negative thing, though that is probably largely due to the secular culture encouraging it so that they can then encourage them to be okay with a same-sex relationship.

On the other hand, I am coming to believe that “coming out” to the right people, for the right reasons, is very beneficial to someone with SSA. Obviously telling a priest and/or spiritual director is I think essential, because in my opinion people with SSA tend to have false beliefs about themselves which are spiritually harmful. However, although I in no way support the idea that homosexuality is ever an “identity” or even a part of anyone’s true identity, there is something to be said about talking to your close friends about something so deep and personal which you are struggling with. I hesitate to say this, since it sounds like I could be supporting the idea of “celebrating” one’s SSA, but for many people, it is going to be tough to really connect with people if they feel they are not free to share certain things about themselves.

I don’t know if you see what I’m trying to say or not, but since I view homosexuality (male homosexuality at least, can’t speak for female) as an identity problem (with many possible root causes), there are so many things which flow from that, which in my mind make it okay to have to share these things with people.

So I guess in conclusion, no, I don’t support “coming out” in the sense that, “I accept this as my identity and you should too” and/or similar sentiments; but I tend towards wanting to support “coming out” in the sense of “I am broken (as are all humans), I need support”, or “I acknowledge I suffer from this” and other similar ideas.

Well said my friend. Well said.

 

[bobballen_18]

You are correct in that SSA does not imply no possibility of marriage. However, if one is also absent any degree of OSA, that certainly weighs against successful marriage.

Sure, as long as there is sufficient reason to believe one would not be able to fulfill the sexual needs of a potential spouse, there should be no aspirations towards marriage.

Maybe I interpreted the poster’s claim incorrectly - I hope that poster comes back and corrects me if I did. But I interpreted it to mean, due to the “whole life long” phrase, that anyone who at some point realizes in their life that they “seem to be” (that needs to be specified/defined in any case) attracted exclusively or near-exclusively to the same-sex, then they can NEVER get married.

As to whether the sexual orientation one experiences may change materially, this is unclear, and asserting an answer one way or the other seems speculative.

Well, this poster, by saying that someone who “seems” to have exclusive or near-exclusive SSA has to remain single their whole life, is at the very least indirectly asserting that it cannot change in any way, shape, or form. As long as it remains “unclear”, as you put it, there is absolutely no reason to reject the possibility of a person’s “overcoming” SSA.

 

[CatholicSheila]

I really don’t want to know. Call me a prude or old fashioned, but I think that sex or sexual preferences would be better off kept in private. Tell your confessor, your Dr. or your “partner”, but don’t tell me. I have a right to live in oblivion in such matters. Please.

So long as you keep your sexual preferences to yourself too. If you’re married, no mentioning at work that you went out on a lunch date with your husband on Saturday. In fact, you don’t get to mention that you’re married at all.

 

[TMC]

Not sure what the OP means by “coming-out story,” but I don’t know how one can get to full adulthood without knowing anyone who is openly gay. Are there still people who really don’t know any openly gay people? That would be an interesting poll for this forum.

 

[lax16]

So long as you keep your sexual preferences to yourself too. If you’re married, no mentioning at work that you went out on a lunch date with your husband on Saturday. In fact, you don’t get to mention that you’re married at all.

How are sexual preferences and going out to lunch even in the same category??

 

[TMC]

I really don’t want to know. Call me a prude or old fashioned, but I think that sex or sexual preferences would be better off kept in private. Tell your confessor, your Dr. or your “partner”, but don’t tell me. I have a right to live in oblivion in such matters. Please.

So long as you keep your sexual preferences to yourself too. If you’re married, no mentioning at work that you went out on a lunch date with your husband on Saturday. In fact, you don’t get to mention that you’re married at all.

How are sexual preferences and going out to lunch even in the same category??

The point is that if you insist that people not talk about their private lives, that should apply equally across the board. If its oversharing for a gay man to say that he and his husband did such and so last weekend, then it is also oversharing for a straight man to say that he and his wife did the same. The problem with those that say that gay people should keep their lives private, is that they generally do not expect straight people to do the same.

 

[Rau]

The point is that if you insist that people not talk about their private lives, that should apply equally across the board. If its oversharing for a gay man to say that he and his husband did such and so last weekend, then it is also oversharing for a straight man to say that he and his wife did the same. The problem with those that say that gay people should keep their lives private, is that they generally do not expect straight people to do the same.

We normally draw a line between what may be shared and what is inappropriate to share, sometimes depending on the audience. That we share something appropriate (with someone) does not amount to a case that we should feel free to share anything (with anyone).

Thus it becomes clear that the debate above merely reflects differing views about what is inappropriate. For a significant number of people, gay relationships are “inappropriate”. However, I suspect the simple fact that one is Married is not considered inappropriate by anyone.

 

[TMC]

We normally draw a line between what may be shared and what is inappropriate to share, sometimes depending on the audience. That we share something appropriate (with someone) does not amount to a case that we should feel free to share anything (with anyone).

Thus it becomes clear that the debate above merely reflects differing views about what is inappropriate. For a significant number of people, gay relationships are “inappropriate”. However, I suspect the simple fact that one is Married is not considered inappropriate by anyone.

I am not sure what you mean. If you are saying that what is appropriate to say depends on the situation - of course. But if you are saying that it is appropriate to share that you are married to an opposite sex person, but inappropriate to share that you are married to a same sex person, I don’t agree.

 

[Rau]

I am not sure what you mean. If you are saying that what is appropriate to say depends on the situation - of course. But if you are saying that it is appropriate to share that you are married to an opposite sex person, but inappropriate to share that you are married to a same sex person, I don’t agree.

I explained why it is flawed to make the comparative argument you did earlier i.e. “If I can’t share this, then you can’t share that”…

The State, which has declared SSM a good, encourages you to take a positive view on SSM. But a significant number of people have a proper basis to disagree with the merits of SSM. But it appears no one has a basis to be offended by Marriage.

 

[at9009]

I explained why it is flawed to make the comparative argument you did earlier i.e. “If I can’t share this, then you can’t share that”…

The State, which has declared SSM a good, encourages you to take a positive view on SSM. But a significant number of people have a proper basis to disagree with the merits of SSM. But it appears no one has a basis to be offended by Marriage.

To certain individuals, one just disclosing his or her SSA is viewed as being in the certain people’s faces about their sexuality. So certain people basically demand all SSA people be closeted because I guess it makes them uncomfortable (with the out of sight, out of mind mentality). These same people then blissfully go on to talk about their families, wives, husbands, and (my favorite) trying to play matchmaker for the SSA individual (who has to deflect because disclosing their SSA is strongly discouraged). It very much feels like a huge double standard where I have to monitor my words lest someone get offended and uncomfortable because they realize I have SSA.

The whole idea of ‘keep it to yourself’ creates this feeling of isolation that only makes carrying this particular cross that much more difficult. I very much feel like many people would prefer to pretend that I don’t exist which can make one feel totally alone and unwanted (and we wonder why so many people with SSA leave the church).

 

[TMC]

I explained why it is flawed to make the comparative argument you did earlier i.e. “If I can’t share this, then you can’t share that”…

The State, which has declared SSM a good, encourages you to take a positive view on SSM. But a significant number of people have a proper basis to disagree with the merits of SSM. But it appears no one has a basis to be offended by Marriage.

I’m sorry, but that makes no sense to me. Why is it OK for one employee to talk about his significant other, but not for another to do the same? How is that not simply a double standard?