He decided to walk out

  • Thread starter Thread starter yjenkins
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
We talked today. He refuses to go to counseling with me because he says that he does not need counseling. I told him that the moment he messes up again I am done.
 
I think his trying to keep you out of the joint accounts and his refusal to get counseling are each a reason to be done, I’m sorry to say. 😦

If he was making a real effort to try to follow the conditions he agreed to, and was willing to go to counseling to fix some of the problems between the two of you, then certainly, the occasional back-slide would be expected, and mistakes forgiven. After all, you can’t expect perfection even in the best of marriages, and especially when you’re working on fixing bad habits; you’re both only human.

However, from reading your other posts, to be honest, I don’t think that is the case here. It sounds more like he’s trying to figure out and do the bare minimum to placate you; he doesn’t seem to have his whole heart in it. He seems to be trying to find the easiest way to get what he wants and he’s just going to test the boundaries until you give in, not really try to solve the problems and commit to the marriage.

And it sounds like you’re generally being very clear and specific about your conditions (well, except for the “moment he messes up again” comment, which I assume was just frustrated venting 😉 ).

Though I don’t think I’ve commented yet, I wanted to let you know I’ve been reading and praying for you, too. I honestly hope and pray that he will come to a real change of heart and commit to his family.
 
CatholicRaven said:
I think his trying to keep you out of the joint accounts and his refusal to get counseling are each a reason to be done, I’m sorry to say. 😦

If he was making a real effort to try to follow the conditions he agreed to, and was willing to go to counseling to fix some of the problems between the two of you, then certainly, the occasional back-slide would be expected, and mistakes forgiven. After all, you can’t expect perfection even in the best of marriages, and especially when you’re working on fixing bad habits; you’re both only human.

However, from reading your other posts, to be honest, I don’t think that is the case here. It sounds more like he’s trying to figure out and do the bare minimum to placate you; he doesn’t seem to have his whole heart in it. He seems to be trying to find the easiest way to get what he wants and he’s just going to test the boundaries until you give in, not really try to solve the problems and commit to the marriage.

And it sounds like you’re generally being very clear and specific about your conditions (well, except for the “moment he messes up again” comment, which I assume was just frustrated venting 😉 ).

Though I don’t think I’ve commented yet, I wanted to let you know I’ve been reading and praying for you, too. I honestly hope and pray that he will come to a real change of heart and commit to his family.
Click to expand...
My parents feel the same way you do. They feel that he wants to have his cake and eat it too and do the bare minimum. I have already taken the steps to file for legal separation. I am not sure if I should mention counseling again. At this point, I have an idea of where to go from here however I am still lost. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
 
And is there is any effort it really is minimum. Today he apologized to me for being judgemantal towards me as for raising his voice. Does this mean that there is hope? I have no clue. As he was leaving he did not say goodbye to me either. Blah!!!
 
This is what he had to say. He sent this to me via text. I may be reading into this too much but I’m not sure how to take the part “I do not enjoy about you.”

“I really hope we work things out. As much as their are things I do not enjoy about you,their are things I love about you. You’re tidy and clean. You keep our children fed and happy. I miss us being on good terms.”
 
Like most men that find themselves betwixed and between----he’s a peace of work.

Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
 
You would not be the first to say he is a piece of work. I find myself wondering if my marriage is worth saving. He fails to see his flaws. He thinks he is perfect and knows everything. He thinks he does not need any help. At this point, all I can do is laugh.
 
I have not heard from him since Christmas Day. He makes all these claims about how he wants to work things out and this and that. He has not called or sent me a text message asking about me or my children. I have no clue what to think anymore.
 
Both have to want to save a marriage. Do you feel he really wants to save it? He didn’t even spend time with the children for Christmas? If not then I’d say he has already moved on.
 
He claims be wants to save our marriage however his actions say otherwise. He only spent Christmas morning with us and left. I have no idea where to go from here. I am doing my part. I am not even sure if I want him to be around this weekend if he does ask.
 
What is the visitation schedule in the legal separation say and has he been served with it?
 
He will be served next week. There isn’t any visitation schedule as of yet. I’m just so confused!!! HELP!!!
 
yjenkins said:
He will be served next week. There isn’t any visitation schedule as of yet. I’m just so confused!!! HELP!!!
Click to expand...
Stay calm for now. I would say that his intentions will make themselves more clear once visitation schedules are put into place and he either follows them or does not.
 
I am calm. I am just frustrated because he claims he wants to work things out yet does not follow through.
 
And it seems to me that he is doing things when he wants to on his own time.
 
When we discussed the conditions one of them was that we communicated with one another. He is not living here, the only way of communication would be via text or via phone. He has yet to do any of the two since Christmas Day. If his idea of communication is only seeing my children and myself twice a week, this will not work. How are we supposed to build on this? How are we supposed to move forward? BLAH!!!
 
This is why the separation agreement will be important. The how will depend on the laws of your state.
 
I am so confused. I am not sure if I want him around this weekend. However I do want to discuss how are we supposed to build our marriage from the ground up if we are only talking on the weekends? This is just not possible. I will hear what he has to say and go from there. Right now I am just frustrated. Now I made the mistake by telling him to text me when he feels comfortable doing so. What I should have said was the above!
 
He contacted me like nothing and told me what he had to do today. He told me he was not sure how long he was going to take at the mechanic so more than likely he will not be coming to my home. We did talk about communication, he agreed that communicating throughout the week makes sense. As far as counseling goes, it would but would not work for us. The only reason why it would not work for us is because he would not be 100% present and it would be counterproductive.Instead, I told him to show me through his actions that he wants to work things out. We are going to have another talk again tomorrow when my children and I get home from mass. I will be honest, I am frustrated and an emotional mess. I feel as though the devil through me off my wagon, I fell and have no clue how to get up. I prayed and prayed throughout the night and I still do not feel okay.
 
He has lied to me about talking to other women when things were getting a bit rough in our marriage. In the past, when he did encounter other women, he would not tell me about it to avoid conflict. When I kicked him out of the house, he turned to these women and contacted them via e-mail and text. I told him that trust needs to be built. The only way I am willing to move forward is if he is willing to allow me to see his e-mails and texts when I ask. He refuses to give in. He is still trying to convince me otherwise. I am not willing compromise my heart and feelings. I have been meeting him where he wants me to during this process. I have respected and acknowledged his feelings and yet he cannot do the same for me? I’m not willing to put my vulnerability on the line. He expects me to take his word for everything. That’s not how things work for me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top