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jules11
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I will PM you.
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JessHav
Guest
Did you read my post? I wrote it in response to your questions about how to “catch” your husband…
There is a difference in monitoring your children (whom need to be parented) and trying to control or “catch” your husband.
Try some of my suggestions and see if you can open up the lines of communication instead of going behind his back and vice versa.
Also, the PP (the husband who contributed) is right on with his advice! Read his post again too!
Good luck and God bless!
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jules11
Guest
I disagree that someone should not be able to check their computer. If he is sneaking around viewing porn, do you think that they are going to be honest about it? They think nothing of adding a lie or ten to the equation.
I think everyone has the right to know what is going on behind their backs. I had my son lie to my face for hours about it. No, they will not be honest and tell the truth!
I think everyone has the right to know what is going on behind their backs. I had my son lie to my face for hours about it. No, they will not be honest and tell the truth!
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JessHav
Guest
Once again, there is a difference between a child-parent relationship and a spousal relationship even though the spouse may do the same action as the child.
So, hypothetically, if you do find he has been looking at porn and now have “evidence” what will you do with it? Throw it in his face? What has that accomplished? Your post sounds very negative, like your spouse is “the enemy” and you need “ammunition” to get him to stop his bad habit. I feel that that kind of attitude only breeds more distrust and betrayal. I’m not saying be a doormat, but one needs to be open in order to get someone to open up to them. KWIM?
Like the PP (husband) said, no, he’s not going to be honest if he knows all he’ll get is yelled at and a guilt trip. Treated like A CHILD instead of an adult with a problem. Honesty and compassion (with a call to rise above the problem and encouragement/support) invites honesty and repentance.
Exile, seriously try my advice with an open heart and mind and see what happens. What have you got to lose?
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exiled
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I appreciate your concern that a “confrontation” will only be destructive; however, Jules is right, I do not expect my husband to be honest, period.
I was told how to check the computer files, which I just did this morning, and sure enough, my suspicions have been confirmed. My husband comes back tonight from travel, so I have all day to pray about this. Right off of the top, I think I will demand (yes, demand) he go to the priest for regular counseling. I do believe he will agree to this. In the meantime, he needs to know why our intimate life is all-of-a-sudden, cold. There is no way I can feel warm and fuzzy towards him knowing that this is likely to be runnig through his head. We have had a pretty good intimate life, but that’s gonna change for awhile. Not to hang it over his head, but because I am revolted and I cannot participate is some sick fantasy of his.
I could only make out one of the internet addresses clearly. Some of them are digits which make no sense to me, and it appears you cannot click on the address to bring up the site.
I am throughly faithful to him and our children. I work my tail off, and I have loved him, obeyed and been enthusiastic for him intimately, and this is what I get. I am not capable of applying a band-aid to this and hoping it goes away. I did that the first time through 10 years ago.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to derail the thread.
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Consecrated
Guest
This is what worked for us as well. Not that I would call what my dearest husband was struggling with an addiction (praised be to Jesus, it didn’t get that far), but when he found the humility and strength of character, (by the grace of God with good spiritual direction from a holy priest) to be completely honest with me every time, I discovered God gave me the grace to be completely forgiving, and even able to forget so that we could move on. Not that I don’t have moments of weakness when it galls me a little, but they are less and less every time. It helps that I acknowledge with an open, loving manner (again, this is pure divine grace… can’t do this on my own!) the humility it takes for him to 'fess up.
I hope that you can come to that point with your husband.
At the initial “reveal”, I happened to be reading St. Faustina’s “Diary”. This helped me tremendously to react with the mercy and love and truth of God to DH, instead of what my normal human reaction would no doubt have been: anger and resentment. We both still look back on the whole thing and count it as a miracle, the turning point of our relationship.
also, we had previous to this consecrated our relationship and our individual selves to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Could you do this as well, even though DH is JW? You wouldn’t eve have to tell him… and then it will truly all be in the hands of Mary, who will take it all to Jesus for you, and you can be sure that whatever the outcome, you will be acting according to God’s will. You can do the Consecration any way you want, but we chose to use the one formulated by St. Louis de Montfort: “Preparation for Total Consecration According to the Method of St. Louis de Montfort”, and his tiny, wonderful book “The Secret of Mary”
anyway, sorry for the long post… but know that you are not alone in this struggle. You rest in the hands of God as His precious child. Your DH does too, even if he doesn’t know it.
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DJgang
Guest
I am praying for you.
It would be very unchartiable for me to even type out what I think about your husband.
However, he needs help. He needs to hit a rock bottom. And I think you should let him. Nobody deserves this type of treatment.
It would be very unchartiable for me to even type out what I think about your husband.
However, he needs help. He needs to hit a rock bottom. And I think you should let him. Nobody deserves this type of treatment.
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duskyjewel
Guest
The man constantly lies to you about porn. He hit you. When he had a wierd boss who wouldn’t pay him, he refused to go to court and get what was owed to his family. He disrespects your faith. These are just the ones I know.
Why are you still married to this man? I have been wondering that for months, even before I knew about this latest stuff.
You made a mistake. Don’t continue it. End it now. Having a child with him would immoral, IMO. No child should be subjected to such a toxic marriage, with a lying, porn-addicted, abusive father.
Why are you still married to this man? I have been wondering that for months, even before I knew about this latest stuff.
You made a mistake. Don’t continue it. End it now. Having a child with him would immoral, IMO. No child should be subjected to such a toxic marriage, with a lying, porn-addicted, abusive father.
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Island_Oak
Guest
Thought-provoking post…and I am among the earlier posters who rejected the idea of “addiction” for the husband’s problem. That his practice of viewing porn has become a habit that imparts some form of release, thrill, etc., and become so strong that it has become almost a reflex–an impulsive and powerful need–I do not doubt.OK, more perspective from a man.
Like it or not, pornography is an addiction. I know some folks believe that stating it is an addiction is a “cop out”. Whether true or not, the fact is your husband is addicted, or in the habit of indulging in this sin. Disease or not, he can’t stop alone at this point. He’s not doing this because you have failed him, or because you aren’t good enough. He’s doing it now because he has done it for a long time, enjoys the thrill of “sneaking” and can’t stop.
I couldn’t tell from your other posts, but if he is physically harming you, get out. But, if he’s not, remember your vows to love, honor and cherish in good times and BAD, SICKNESS and health. To love someone, you desire heaven for them. So, if you don’t help him fight this sin, who will?
Think about when he falls to the temptation. It’s happening on the home computer. In the same way you wouldn’t leave an alcoholic home alone with booze, or a thief in your home while you run an errand, you and he need to find a way that he’s not on the computer when you’re not with him. I imagine he wouldn’t look at porn while sitting next to you, we hope…
He needs to know you love him, and hate the sin. It sounds like you are upset, which you should be. But it also sounds like you are confronting him in a non-supportive way. He needs to know you are upset because you love him, and desire heaven for him. But if you aren’t willing to help him fight it in more ways than merely blocking and tracking his internet access, he won’t feel supported.
To truly “overcome” his sin, he needs to be able to see the situation and temptation, and choose to do right. Blocking his access merely keeps him out of the situation, so as soon as he is exposed again, he’ll fall. Be with him when he’s online. Let him know that you love him, and talk to him about why he spends his time viewing porn. He’ll open up and ask for help if he knows you are willing. But, if he thinks you are only going to yell at him and treat him like a child, he’ll continue to act as one.
It isn’t going to be easy for either of you. You will need to choose to help him so he can choose to help improve your relationship. While it’s his sin, since marriage has joined you as one, it’s a shared problem to overcome. To throw up your hands and leave him to deal with it without you is as much a betrayal as his viewing of pornography. What are you willing to do to help him?
I agree with teme’s post above to the extent that he observes this man cannot likely break this habit without help. However…we differ on where the responsibility to fix this problem lies at this point. This couple has gone through some counseling/marital retreat. He refuses to return. HE knows there are multiple problems in the marriage arising from his conduct. HE should be taking the initiative to seek counseling, HE needs to show some recognition and ownership of this and his other problems.
It’s not that different from an alcoholic or drug addict hitting bottom~in this case the wife’s continued support has kept that from happening–yet. Without some initiative from the “addict,” some surrender to the reality of all the problems, how long can any of us reasonably advise a spouse to continue to suffer, endure, forgive, put herslf at risk, be deceived and ultimately put her life ‘on hold’ while he fritters away his own?! There comes a time to say no more. It doesn’t have to mean the end of the marriage, but it can mean temporary separation and an end to overlooking enabling, stalling and making excuses.
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kage_ar
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Agree.
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JessHav
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I agree with you, Island and kage in the case of the OP. My advice was merely for those who have only a pornography habit (if you prefer that word instead of addiction.)
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QuietTimes
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Yessi please listen to the advice some here have given you. I know you are not weak you went to the Retrouvaille and that speaks volumes its not easy going, but sometimes it does not work for a spouse that is bent on destroying themselves and think nothing else of their marriage.
Trust me I know what you are going through and it does not feel good. Sweetie you have to get healed from this and move on I dont know if you are married through the catholic church but if you are not you might consider leaving him for good.
Yeah I said it!!
I would not want to see you keep getting hurt emotionally and physically any longer. This is his cross to bear all you can do is pray from the side lines and hope that one day he will be happy because he is not.
Children are not band aids and I know you want to start a family I did read “not right now” but eventually you do and I think you have to really discern what kind of a father he will be. He might be a awesome father that treats his wife like ****
I cant stress enough to you that this is about him and about how he cannot handle temptation when it presents itself.
Rich you have the same story as my DH we went to retrovaille and were able to move past this HUGE problem but some are not.
My heart breaks for you Yessi because I would love to see much happiness for you and my prayers are with you, stay strong.
Trust me I know what you are going through and it does not feel good. Sweetie you have to get healed from this and move on I dont know if you are married through the catholic church but if you are not you might consider leaving him for good.
Yeah I said it!!
I would not want to see you keep getting hurt emotionally and physically any longer. This is his cross to bear all you can do is pray from the side lines and hope that one day he will be happy because he is not.
Children are not band aids and I know you want to start a family I did read “not right now” but eventually you do and I think you have to really discern what kind of a father he will be. He might be a awesome father that treats his wife like ****
I cant stress enough to you that this is about him and about how he cannot handle temptation when it presents itself.
Rich you have the same story as my DH we went to retrovaille and were able to move past this HUGE problem but some are not.
My heart breaks for you Yessi because I would love to see much happiness for you and my prayers are with you, stay strong.
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teme
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You have hit the nail on the head as to where we differ regarding responsibility. Great summation!
It may the the language in your post, but if he really does know/feel it’s "his conduct’ causing all the problems, why would he want to go somewhere where he’ll feel attacked for something he can’t fix on his own?
Again, it may just be the way emotion and language doesn’t always transfer as clearly online. But, if he doesn’t feel supported, or know that his wife wants to help him overcome this, and instead thinks his wife hates him for his actions, it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to expose himself to more ridicule.
What he is doing is wrong, sinful, and very harmful to his marriage. But, OP, we know you are upset and hurt, and have reason to be. Yet, it sounds like you have decided to give up on him, and your marriage. If that’s the case, his refusal to seek help is not much different than your actions. He’s having trouble changing; think about what other ways you may be able to help him keep his salvation.
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kage_ar
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Teme - if you will go back and read some of Yessi’s other posts, this is the tip of the iceberg. This man has hit her, he has lied to her, he has over and over been cruel, it is not just giving up because he looked at some porn.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
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**Exactly. We are not talking about a typical man who is good but has fallen into sin. We are talking about, from what has been described to us, a cruel man with serious character defects who doesn’t seem capable of being a husband.
Yessi has put up with a lot and has TRIED everything in her power to help her struggling marriage. But there is only so much that one spouse can do. For true healing it requires the commitment of both spouses.
Teme, I don’t know if you have daughters, but just consider what kind of advice you would give your daughter if her husband had hit her, been cruel after a miscarriage, ridiculed her faith, AND had a problem with porn. (That is if you could even give her advice while running out the door with a baseball bat in search of the guy who had hurt your little girl)
**
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teme
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Thanks for clarifying. I did not intend to say she should remain in an abusive relationship, but was merely addressing what I saw in the post. I’m truly sorry for giving that impression. As I posted earlier:
It may then be time to take the computer and go, but definitely talk to a priest as others have recommended. I didn’t post it before, but I’m praying for you.
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teme
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Thanks for clarifying the severity of the problem. I am blessed with two daughters, and if either of them were treated as I’m now realizing Yessi has been, I surely would take my own correctivec action…
Again, I am very sorry I didn’t have the full picture of the situation, and should have looked further before offering my worthless 2 cents.
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Milliardo
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Porn is bad, and porn unfortunately attracts men. First, of course pray for him–it is his weakness, and you must work together to help him overcome it. If nothing else, accept this weakness of his; it will make your life easier. I’m not saying that you tolerate it, but the first step is to accept his weakness and love him despite this weakness. We all have our weaknesses, and the more you come to terms with it, the easier it will be for both of you. After acceptance comes the hard part–working on it for him to overcome it. This is quite hard, especially if your husband has been seeing porn for years. Withdrawing from it would take time, so you have to get used to seeing him sneaking about watching pron every now and then. Accept that as part of his weakness, and discuss it together and ask why he is attracted to it (if you haven’t asked yet). This is not blaming you, but if he watches porn it might be that he is seeking something that he does not find in your marriage; in short, he feels the need to satisfy that in porn. Explore that with him and ask him what is exactly troubling him. From there, both of you together can find ways to make him more satisfied (and you as well, since marriage is about being together). But this all take time. Be patient with him, above all. It will not go away overnight.
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Truly_Beloved
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I think you gave VERY sound advice, with the information you had. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s impossible to keep tabs on everyone on the forums, here.
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kevinsgirl
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I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you, Yessi, read over all these posts and think about them…BUT not until at least a week after your surgery.
I know all of ya’ll mean really well, but maybe it’d be better if ya’ll hold off on all the advice for a little bit. Yessi’s going in for surgery Monday to remove a very large cyst. I know she’s thinking a lot about her marriage problems right now and ya’ll have given her plenty of food for thought. However, I really think we should hold off a little on suggesting she leave him right now.
Maybe we could just give her lots of support on this thread for the time being.
The weekend before your first surgery is NOT the best time to rethink all the problems in your marriage. 
So what do all you great posters think? Let’s just give her lots of positive thoughts for the next week or so, and then start back with the marriage advice when she’s healthy and able to really focus on that. I think it’ll help her the most.
So let’s hear some encouraging, heartwarming stuff from all of ya’ll!!! :bounce:
I know all of ya’ll mean really well, but maybe it’d be better if ya’ll hold off on all the advice for a little bit. Yessi’s going in for surgery Monday to remove a very large cyst. I know she’s thinking a lot about her marriage problems right now and ya’ll have given her plenty of food for thought. However, I really think we should hold off a little on suggesting she leave him right now.
Maybe we could just give her lots of support on this thread for the time being.
The weekend before your first surgery is NOT the best time to rethink all the problems in your marriage. So what do all you great posters think? Let’s just give her lots of positive thoughts for the next week or so, and then start back with the marriage advice when she’s healthy and able to really focus on that. I think it’ll help her the most.
So let’s hear some encouraging, heartwarming stuff from all of ya’ll!!! :bounce:
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