He fell to porn AGAIN!

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Thanks for clarifying the severity of the problem. I am blessed with two daughters, and if either of them were treated as I’m now realizing Yessi has been, I surely would take my own correctivec action…

Again, I am very sorry I didn’t have the full picture of the situation, and should have looked further before offering my worthless 2 cents.

**Your two cents were definitely NOT worthless! I just know that Yessi must be extremely emotional right now and I wanted to make sure that she knows that your advice doesn’t have to apply to her. It was more of a general “hubby with porn problem” kind of thing as opposed to the complicated situation she is in.

**

 

[duskyjewel]

I’m sorry, I just have to ask this… Yessisan, why did you marry this guy in the first place? From all I have seen you post about him, I can’t imagine what attracted you to him. I can’t imagine what made you stay so long. Is there ANY quality good enough to make up for what he has put you through?

You need to end this once and for all, perhaps pursue nullity, because frankly, with everything, I cannot believe this marriage would be found valid, and most important, you need to do some long, hard, honest, painful self-assessment as to why you would allow yourself to be treated so badly, be brought so low. From the things he has done, I don’t even think this man LIKES you, much less ever loved you. He may have wanted you for some reason, but he has never been self-giving, has never sacrificed for your well-being. At least not from what I see. This guy does not wake up thinking, “How can I take care of my wife today?”

Please, for your safety and for the possibility of your healing sometime in the future, file for divorce and move FAR away. You are not trapped by children, as many women are before they get to the point where you are. You are free to run away from him. Please do. Even if the marriage is never nullified, and you remain “married” to him for the rest of your life, NOTHING in Catholic teaching says you must live with an abusive spouse. And he’s abusive six ways from Sunday!

kevinsgirl,

I posted before I saw your last. I understand your sentiment, but perhaps this surgery is exactly the lens God is using to get her to focus on herself and her own needs and well-being. She has another thread going where she is worried that her husband, having legal rights as her spouse, might refuse a blood tranfusion should she need one, as he is a JW. I think this is the perfect time for her to be thinking about this. From the last I saw on that thread, she was thinking of naming her mother to make medical decisions. I think maybe she should file for legal separation from her husband before the surgery, and give a copy to the hospital, to reinforce that under no circumstances should he make any medical decisions for her. I think filing for separation might take away his ability to do that, but I am not sure of that. It could, at least, convince the doctors that he is not to be involved in any way. Heck, she might want to just tell her doctors that he is abusive and she may be leaving him, and that he should not be consulted. She is not a child, they are not obligated to report anything. It would be confidential, but she is still looking out for her own interests.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I hope ya’ll don’t mind, but I’m gonna repost some of my earlier post, because it kind of got lost on the earlier page…

---

know all of ya’ll mean really well, but maybe it’d be better if ya’ll hold off on all the advice for a little bit. Yessi’s going in for surgery Monday to remove a very large cyst. I know she’s thinking a lot about her marriage problems right now and ya’ll have given her plenty of food for thought. However, I really think we should hold off a little on suggesting she leave him right now.

Maybe we could just give her lots of support on this thread for the time being. The weekend before your first surgery is NOT the best time to rethink all the problems in your marriage.

So what do all you great posters think? Let’s just give her lots of positive thoughts for the next week or so, and then start back with the marriage advice when she’s healthy and able to really focus on that. I think it’ll help her the most.

So let’s hear some encouraging, heartwarming stuff from all of ya’ll!!! :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

 

[teme]

I ask that You, our Heavenly Father, bless Yessi with a safe and successful surgery. Please strengthen her body as You have already strengthened her spirit, that she may overcome the trials before her. May she be blessed with a speedy recovery, and peace of mind and spirit. Through Jesus Christ our Lord!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Amen!

 

[mylo]

Dear God, Monday is Yessi’s surgery and You know how much we love her. Please take good care of her and guide the surgeon’s hands. Give her the strength she needs to have a successful surgery and a speedy recovery. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen!

 

[kage_ar]

Will offer Rosaries for Yessi throughout the weekend.

 

[Taya]

Hi Yessisan, am a guy, don’t know if I’m the 2nd or the 3rd here but it doesn’t matter. You did nothing to deserve all of this.

From what I gather thus far, you come across as an honest to goodness person who puts in alot for her marriage. If you’ve exhausted all means that you have until the point you cannot give anymore but feel nothing but hurt, personally I feel it maybe a valid reason to move on.

As for the porn addiction portion I cannot really say anything but that guys along the course of their lives come by porn. Worldwide it’s a similar trend as Rich puts it, bout 13-14 years old when we encounter porn.

Out of curiosity and wanting to know the female species more, alot of us get hooked onto lust, this includes myself. Some grow out of it, some learnt to pray and seek the Lord and Mother Mary for their grace in fighting thier inner impulses (like myself), some just embrace it as a normal practice in life. It bites and never truly lets go, I still struggle with the temptation everyday, but feel better equipped at combating this than I did 12 years ago.

Having said that, I cannot tolerate other guys who beat up their wives, when raising a hand should be out of love to her. It really hurts me to see what you’ve gone through. I really don’t know what to say at this point but I really feel deeply saddened by your struggle. Please stay strong in your belief and continue trusting in God. All the best in your surgery.

Ambrose

 

[yessisan]

Wow, from last night to now there were 2.5 pages of long posts! Thank you all for the posts.

To answer some of the things that were brought up…

DH and I are married in the Church since I had a type of convalidation done by the Bishop (a radical sanation).

What attracted me to him was how he was before marriage. I never knew he was capable of putting his hand of me. I found out a year and 2 months after our marriage that he could hurt me. The months before that, he was the most wonderful and loving husband, but I had already found out about the porn 5 months after our wedding. He didn’t act mean or cruel, he was very loving, very warm, the arguments we had before the wedding and engagement never got bad. Once we didn’t speak for 1 day, but it was nothing major.

The porn part, well, I found it in August in 2006, then a month or so later. Then I didn’t find any for almost a yr. Then last yr around April/May and since then I hadn’t found it, until 2 nights ago. I can live with it, but it hurts me to know my husband looks at other women on a screen even though he knows pornography is a sin.

I wish he were Catholic so he could speak to a priest. I have spoken to a priest about the physical part, and he told me to seek counseling. We were already doing retrovaille, so I didn’t look further into it. Then when the last time he touched me, I kicked him out of the house. I enrolled him in anger management at our clinic after he asked me to, and he’s been going to it. He has 6 wks left of meetings, then follow ups with a therapist. Being the reason why we have not seeked legal separation. The 3 times that it happened, it was because of monetary pressures and I know that’s no excuse, but I noticed they happened the 3 times we were faced with deep money problems. Now that we’re not paying for the house, he’s more relaxed, and because he gets that way with money issues, he’s going to see the threapist after the anger management sessions are over.

kevinsgirl, thank you very much for trying to stop the focus on the bad. You always mean to bring the good out! You’re too sweet! I just came from my pre-op appt and my BP and pulse were high… I think it’s because I’m very nervous and Monday is almost here…

Anywho, thank you all for the prayers and support.

Right now I really want to focus on my surgery and on how to deal with the porn. The other issue (physical) is being dealt with for now. Oh, and my mom is the one who will be called in case of emergency, the surgeon noted it on the computer and now it’s on my medical record for future reference.

Again, thank you all for this. I know you are worried and I really appreciate everyone’s concern and friendship!

 

[Milliardo]

I think I’m beginning to see the picture (no pun intended) more clearly now. The anger of your husband stems from your financial difficulties, which is understandable though not to be condoned. I always say that money matters should not tear marriages and families apart–I feel IMO that it is a very flimsy excuse to separate. Vows were made during marriage, which in sum says that whatever happens, the couple will not separate. Money shouldn’t then be an excuse to do so. But we wander–at least now he has controlled his anger. Again, IMO his anger and physical abuse were outlets of his frustration over the situation; he felt helpless and reacted the only way he knew how. Therapy and counseling, which he is doing, should correct that.

As for porn, if he has been viewing it since he was young then it would be a habit that’s very hard to kick. He might be able to, but then again he might not. In any case, be patient and understanding. I can see he is trying to fight it, and that should be some consolation. I remember my priest confessor when I was in high school; he told me it’s not important how many times you sin, but how many times you tried to get up after you fall. So don’t look at how many times he fell. You’ll end up frustrated. Rather, look at how many times he tried to fight it. As mentioned, if this habit has been with him since he was young, I highly doubt he will be completely free of it. Move on, and support him in his efforts to fight it, but also understand that if he falls in his moment of weakness, it is not because you didn’t do enough. It’s just he has this habit for a long time and it will never completely leave his system. Support him, understand him, love him. That’s the best you can do.

And God bless you on your surgery, and your continued efforts on your husband. It will pay off, with prayer and effort.

 

[IHF]

Have you tried speaking to him about how his actions make you feel?

How much your faith means to you?

Maybe ask him what is it about those images that makes him want to look at them in the first place.

If he is addicted have you considered asking him if he wants to the therapy route?

I am not you and answers come cheap to me but I thought I’d enter my thoughts just in case you haven’t thought of it yet.

 

[GraceDK]

Okay… so you all may get angry at me for saying this…

I find this all a bit confusing: Yessi says that her husband watching porn makes her feel like he is cheating on her and it makes her feel like ****, understandable.
But you guys imply that she should not get upset in his face about it because its an addiction and it wont help him to deal with it if she is not supportive…
I think some of you demand the impossible of this poor lady: being understanding, comforting, giving second chances, and speaking calmly to her husband whom she has just caught cheating on her with pornography for the third time…all in order to help him.
No, no, no… I think Yessie, that you should give him a thourough scolding and tell him the truth about your feelings…Dont be afraid of using your voice dear… why write it in a letter?.. no… you should tell it to him with frustration and tears like an Italian mama… For what I think he really needs is LIMITS… limits put by a woman who has self respect and wont put up with being walked on like something on the floor.
I know about a man who cheated on his wife for years… repeating and repeating his pattern of behaviour to the sorrow of the woman for years until she said “STOP… I will not take this anymore!”, and she showed it to him too. Only then did he clean up his act.
Yessi… You have a right to be mad, sad and angry and if you are too afraid of him to tell him that, then that is one more warning sign.
That is what I think

 

[AHapka]

Heck, she might want to just tell her doctors that he is abusive and she may be leaving him, and that he should not be consulted. She is not a child, they are not obligated to report anything. It would be confidential, but she is still looking out for her own interests.

That depends on where they are at. Doctors are mandated reporters for domestic abuse in Wisconsin, for example.

A living will or healthcare power of attorned is needed here since most state laws generally give legal preference to the husband for medical decisions and that can be very hard to counteract with doctors scared of lawsuits the way they are.

 

[jules11]

Once again, there is a difference between a child-parent relationship and a spousal relationship even though the spouse may do the same action as the child.

So, hypothetically, if you do find he has been looking at porn and now have “evidence” what will you do with it? Throw it in his face? What has that accomplished? Your post sounds very negative, like your spouse is “the enemy” and you need “ammunition” to get him to stop his bad habit. I feel that that kind of attitude only breeds more distrust and betrayal. I’m not saying be a doormat, but one needs to be open in order to get someone to open up to them. KWIM?
Like the PP (husband) said, no, he’s not going to be honest if he knows all he’ll get is yelled at and a guilt trip. Treated like A CHILD instead of an adult with a problem. Honesty and compassion (with a call to rise above the problem and encouragement/support) invites honesty and repentance.

Exile, seriously try my advice with an open heart and mind and see what happens. What have you got to lose?

Thank God, porn is one thing my husband has never struggled with, with me.He knows my views on it and he agrees. But I do not believe that a person who views it will ever own up. Like I said, any woman has the right to know. I do not care if its sneaking around or whatever. If it were me, just like if he were having an affair,(sort of the same thing in my book) I believe I have the right to know about something that is affecting me and my marriage. And NO.
All the honesty and compassion in the world doe not make the other person automatically honest. Sorry, I just will never agree. It’s pointless discussing this further. I believe you can deal with the facts better than you can deal with someones lies.

 

[jules11]

Okay… so you all may get angry at me for saying this…

I find this all a bit confusing: Yessi says that her husband watching porn makes her feel like he is cheating on her and it makes her feel like ****, understandable.
But you guys imply that she should not get upset in his face about it because its an addiction and it wont help him to deal with it if she is not supportive…
I think some of you demand the impossible of this poor lady: being understanding, comforting, giving second chances, and speaking calmly to her husband whom she has just caught cheating on her with pornography for the third time…all in order to help him.
No, no, no… I think Yessie, that you should give him a thourough scolding and tell him the truth about your feelings…Dont be afraid of using your voice dear… why write it in a letter?.. no… you should tell it to him with frustration and tears like an Italian mama… For what I think he really needs is LIMITS… limits put by a woman who has self respect and wont put up with being walked on like something on the floor.
I know about a man who cheated on his wife for years… repeating and repeating his pattern of behaviour to the sorrow of the woman for years until she said “STOP… I will not take this anymore!”, and she showed it to him too. Only then did he clean up his act.
Yessi… You have a right to be mad, sad and angry and if you are too afraid of him to tell him that, then that is one more warning sign.
That is what I think

HOORAY! I agree! I can tell you if it were MY husband he would have got a real serving! I dont care what people think of me. Porn sickens me to the pit of my stomach. If he did this, he would expect it, I’m sure. Sorry, just cant be compassionate on this one. I am on so much other stuff, but not this.

 

[hasikelee]

Okay, this is not medical advice, but the cyclic nature of the husband really sounds like a mental illness or borderline personality. You mention that when you married everything was fine, then it went kaput, then it was fine again, then it went kaput.

Usually with an addiction, there is a beginning stage where the user is in control and then it grows completely out of hand, getting worse and worse.

If you own the computer and can prove that you alone purchased it, why not sell the computer and all the hardware? If a computer is important to you, buy a personal laptop and keep it with you. If he is going to continue using the computer and online service for porn, at least make sure he is doing it out of his own pocket.

If you are a SAHM, I guess the above doesn’t apply to you, but I wasn’t sure if you are or not.

Has he been recently examined?

 

[Dameedna]

The thing w/DH is that he was introduced to porn in middle school (at 13 - in 7th or 8th grade), and 2 yrs ago at the age of 23 he admitted he had this problem. And I do call it an addiction since he would even miss work before we married just so he’d be able to look at videos and pictures online.

Something doesn’t need to be a physical substance for it to be addictive, but it might help to understand “how” this particular addiction can occur.

I used to be okay with Porn for the most part. I didn’t like it myself, but didn’t find anything particularly wrong with a lot of it, since I used to read my romance novels from time to time and porn for men, was compared to a romance novel for a woman.

Then I started understanding the human brain a bit more, and stumbled on “brain plasticity”. This is a certain understanding of the brain that has enabled technology such as Cochlear implants, and helping people with Phantom limbs(dismembered limbs people can still feel) and many other things etc etc.

In a very simple way, our brains are constantly re-mapping themselves. Whatever we are exposed to, assists with that re-mapping.

Now take a gander, at something like moderately violent porn(which most videos are). You have two different concepts. Sexual arrousal and voilence(even if it’s minor violence). Being exposed to these two things, stimulates the brain, it “excites” the brain and releases chemicals…some of them “feel good” chemicals.

If sex is associated with voilence, BOTH of these parts of the brain(one that controls sexual function and the other that controls aggressive) fire at the same time. With enough exposure, BOTH parts of the brain will fire at the same TIME…even if the exposure is for one element only. In other words, eventually a person will see violence, and become aroused, or they will become aroused and feel violent. This is because those parts of the brain have 're-mapped" themselves so that they fire simultaneously.

It’s like a massive shot of happy chemicals combined with adrenaline and causes even further addiction problems. The addiction, is to the brain chemicals themselves.

After beginning to understand the real effects of sexualizing our society and tieing violence/action/romance/sex constantly in the media, our minds/brains are actually be conditioned in a way that is very, very unhealthy.

The reason I tell you all this, is that if your husband is violent AND is addicted to porn, years and years of being exposed to violent porn could have actually caused this, especially if it was during his teens.

You cannot change it, and it sounds like your relationship is in so much trouble, that you may not be able to help him.There are some good books on this subject. IF some-one has been exposed to this, they MUST do the work required to stop equating violence with Sex, submissive women with Sex, and Women as sexual objects only. In other words, they must re-map their brain and deprogram themselves. We Do have the will to do it, but it can be very , very hard.

I’m not against porn, because I’m either prudish or because of a Higher Moral code.I’m against it, because it conditions the human mind in a way that is not healthy and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to overcome. Try and learn a bit more about this from a medical perspective, and it might help you to understand wether or not you and your husband can overcome it.

The choice to change(given the right knowlege) will alway’s be his. It’s not your fault.

 

[Dameedna]

…

 

[Milliardo]

Okay… so you all may get angry at me for saying this…

I find this all a bit confusing: Yessi says that her husband watching porn makes her feel like he is cheating on her and it makes her feel like ****, understandable.
But you guys imply that she should not get upset in his face about it because its an addiction and it wont help him to deal with it if she is not supportive…
I think some of you demand the impossible of this poor lady: being understanding, comforting, giving second chances, and speaking calmly to her husband whom she has just caught cheating on her with pornography for the third time…all in order to help him.
No, no, no… I think Yessie, that you should give him a thourough scolding and tell him the truth about your feelings…Dont be afraid of using your voice dear… why write it in a letter?.. no… you should tell it to him with frustration and tears like an Italian mama… For what I think he really needs is LIMITS… limits put by a woman who has self respect and wont put up with being walked on like something on the floor.
I know about a man who cheated on his wife for years… repeating and repeating his pattern of behaviour to the sorrow of the woman for years until she said “STOP… I will not take this anymore!”, and she showed it to him too. Only then did he clean up his act.
Yessi… You have a right to be mad, sad and angry and if you are too afraid of him to tell him that, then that is one more warning sign.
That is what I think

Being calm would be more productive than being combative. Although being in a fighting stance might produce results in the short run, it will strain an already strained marriage, which in the long run would only result to it shattering, not healing. One should stay loving and supportive of her husband’s efforts in fighting porn; no one is saying to stay supportive of his love for porn, of course! But she should also understand that this addiction to porn might have been with him since he was young, so kicking it will not be an easy task. He will still fall every now and then. That’s a given. Yes, be mad; every person who feels betrayed would be mad, but after being angry approach the person with calmness and talk it out as mature adults. Shouting, getting angry, fighting back might only have the husband fight back as well; given that he is also prone to physical abuse, that’s the last thing we’d like to see. In such tough situations, the best thing to do is to remain calm, take stock of things, organize one’s self, and prepare for whatever lies ahead. As I have said, understand and love the husband despite his weakness.

 

[Simon_X]

Something doesn’t need to be a physical substance for it to be addictive, but it might help to understand “how” this particular addiction can occur.

I used to be okay with Porn for the most part. I didn’t like it myself, but didn’t find anything particularly wrong with a lot of it, since I used to read my romance novels from time to time and porn for men, was compared to a romance novel for a woman.

Then I started understanding the human brain a bit more, and stumbled on “brain plasticity”. This is a certain understanding of the brain that has enabled technology such as Cochlear implants, and helping people with Phantom limbs(dismembered limbs people can still feel) and many other things etc etc.

In a very simple way, our brains are constantly re-mapping themselves. Whatever we are exposed to, assists with that re-mapping.

Now take a gander, at something like moderately violent porn(which most videos are). You have two different concepts. Sexual arrousal and voilence(even if it’s minor violence). Being exposed to these two things, stimulates the brain, it “excites” the brain and releases chemicals…some of them “feel good” chemicals.

If sex is associated with voilence, BOTH of these parts of the brain(one that controls sexual function and the other that controls aggressive) fire at the same time. With enough exposure, BOTH parts of the brain will fire at the same TIME…even if the exposure is for one element only. In other words, eventually a person will see violence, and become aroused, or they will become aroused and feel violent. This is because those parts of the brain have 're-mapped" themselves so that they fire simultaneously.

It’s like a massive shot of happy chemicals combined with adrenaline and causes even further addiction problems. The addiction, is to the brain chemicals themselves.

After beginning to understand the real effects of sexualizing our society and tieing violence/action/romance/sex constantly in the media, our minds/brains are actually be conditioned in a way that is very, very unhealthy.

The reason I tell you all this, is that if your husband is violent AND is addicted to porn, years and years of being exposed to violent porn could have actually caused this, especially if it was during his teens.

You cannot change it, and it sounds like your relationship is in so much trouble, that you may not be able to help him.There are some good books on this subject. IF some-one has been exposed to this, they MUST do the work required to stop equating violence with Sex, submissive women with Sex, and Women as sexual objects only. In other words, they must re-map their brain and deprogram themselves. We Do have the will to do it, but it can be very , very hard.

I’m not against porn, because I’m either prudish or because of a Higher Moral code.I’m against it, because it conditions the human mind in a way that is not healthy and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to overcome. Try and learn a bit more about this from a medical perspective, and it might help you to understand wether or not you and your husband can overcome it.

The choice to change(given the right knowlege) will alway’s be his. It’s not your fault.

Not to sidetrack the OP’s issues, but this is a very good post and makes a lot of sense…