George’s visit went alright. He actually cried when he left. I’m glad to see him showing at least a little emotion finally.
I had my first appointment with the counselor at a nearby parish. It went really well. I realize now that George is much more immature than I ever thought. Counseling is helping me to realize that while I do have a part in our problems, the majority of this is not my fault. The counselor believes that there are four main issues in our marriage: codependency on my part (basically enabling George’s poor behaviors and making excuses for him); immaturity on George’s part; dysfunctional family control and enmeshment by George’s parents; and inappropriate use of alcohol by George (she actually think he shows addictive behavior but I’m not so sure). She says that unless George can see that it isn’t appropriate for a married man (especially one with children) to be going to bars and leaving his wife home to take care of the children on a regular basis, unless he can develop a healthier relationship with his parents, and unless I can quit enabling his behavior, we really don’t have a shot of making anything work. George refuses to work on either of his parts. I am working my co-dependency issues, something I need to do irregardless of what George does.
I still pray for a miracle, but in all reality, I realize that our marriage is probably over, and not only that, but we probably never had a sacramental marriage in the first place. According to the counselor, George never had an accurate view of what marriage should be. She says that marriage should be George’s second priority, with God being his first priority, but in reality George’s order is George first, parents 2nd, marriage 3rd, God lower down the list of priorities. It really makes me sad. Sadder than you can even imagine for myself and for the babies, but mostly for George. He is going to miss out on such great joy.
I have reached a point where I am no longer mad at George. Although he claims to see things so clearly now, in reality, he is extremely confused and needs time to grow up and find himself. I hope he takes the time to do so, but with this new relationship already in progress, I fear that he won’t.
I’m actually feeling fairly at peace with what is happening. I know that God can work even the worst things for good. Like I said I still pray for our marriage to be saved, but I also pray that if it isn’t, God will give me time to heal and then provide me with a holy spouse, one who will treat Grace and Jake as his own, who is loyal to the Church and all it’s teachings, someone who is mature and can truly lead a family. I don’t doubt for a minute that my calling remains to be a wife and mom and I still want a big family. I just have to trust God to provide that even if it isn’t with George.
I’m actually enjoying taking more time to focus on my faith. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and praying. I’m even looking for a spiritual director, and I’m hoping God will provide someone soon. I feel closer to God now than I have in quite awhile.
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