He left us...

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shirleytowers said:
I believe now that he was bipolar. I have gone on to a closer relationship with God, an annulment, a happy marriage and family, and a better job in a better climate. He has gone on to bankruptcy, a second divorce, being fired, evicted, unemployed for two years, and to lucky to find a job as a long distance truck driver.
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Shirley,
I know this is Meg’s thread, but I really need to speak up about your ex-h’s possible bi-polar. Please remember that mental health problems are like any other health issues. I KNOW how difficult they are to live with and I am am NOT saying you should let anyone abuse you. BUT, we all need to learn to be compassionate about those with mental disease.

Your ex did not CHOOSE to be bi-polar, just as no one chooses cancer or diabetes. His inability to cope well with life is part of the horror of his disease, but also part of what the world puts on those with mental disease. Just as people used to shun those with leprosy or cancer, we continue to shun those with mental disorders. Instead of viewing his life as his “just desserts”, please pray for him as I will be praying for both you and him.
 
Meg,

Many have given great advice and supported you with thier prayers, I’d like to offer what little help I can.

I too had my husband abandon me with three little kids several years ago. I got the ol’ “I don’t love you anymore and I never really did. I married you because I figured no one better would come along…” At the time of our wedding, I had NO idea that’s what was going on in his head. But in thinking back over the years of our marriage, his way of thinking became clear. When the first romances wore off and the kids came along with all the associated stresses he began to lose interest. Anyway, this culminated in his leaving for another woman but I also got the “But she’s not the REAL reason I’m leaving” **** too. We also tried Retrouvialle and failed because he was not willing to work at it.

The points I wanted to make which I hope will help you is this:
  1. Only he and God knows his true state of mind at the time he spoke his vows - he may have had no real intention of this being permanent.
  2. Remember - Jesus’ His Holy and Apostolic Church the authority on these matters. You can seek an annulment after a divorce (if one occurs) and if one is granted you can REST assured it is valid. “What you bind here on earth, so shall it be bound in Heaven…” Annulment tribunals do not always grant an annulment, but will refuse if they find the marriage was indeed sacramental.
  3. Pray to St Rita - and read about her life. She suffered much from her husband and would help you with her prayers. Pour out your heart to her or to Our Lady or any other patron/favorite saint you have. They will hear and help you.
  4. I support you in staying home with your children and hope you would continue to do so as long as possible. Placing them in daycare would further traumatize them. They’re dad has left, if you went to work you would too…
  5. Offer your sufferings to God in union with Christ’s suffering on the cross for a heart of forgiveness toward your husband and for his conversion.
  6. Have masses said for him!
God bless you and He will never abandon you.
 
I lived with my ex husband for 17 trying foolishly to help him control his behavior. Whether his current state is just desserts or not is not my point. I tend to think God is going to have to have him hit bottom before he can turn around.

The psychiatrist told me he cannot be helped because of his attitude and age.

And I know it is like other medical problems because my youngest inherited the problem.

I recommend filing so you can get support, as I said before, and filing does not preclude reconciliation. Asking him to support his family need not lead to acrimony. I hope MegO’s husband sees the light.
 
MegO, my prayers are with you. I experienced something similar to this earlier this year. I converted from atheism to the Catholic Church in 2003 and was confirmed in 2005. My wife remained an atheist. We have no children as my wife and I used contraception until my conversion. After my conversion she simply refused the procreative act (with me, anyway).

Almost exactly one year ago today, my wife told me she would divorce me if I did not stop going to church. A few days later, she moved out and fled the country. Astonishingly, it turned out she had more than $5 million in savings squirelled away and $12 million in real estate outside the USA. It was hers before the marriage. I was unaware of this money, not that I cared. I am a software engineer so my income is fine; and frankly I did not want it. However, the court, in it’s wisdom, said they would pretend it did not exist and awarded her 80% of the total marital assets as she was unemployed because she lost her job when she fled the country. It is amazing the difference between a $4,000/hour lawyer versus a $200/hour one.

While I often do not agree with Karianne (:o), for once I have to. It is time for your maternal instincts to kick in. Get a lawyer. A good lawyer. You must protect you children. It is good to be nice, but **he **is leaving you and your children. You want child support, ideally a sliding scale with a minimum $ amount that is adjusted annually based on changes of his income. As you are a stay at home mom, it is entirely appropriate for you to get maintenance (alimony).

As soon as the divorce is final, begin the nullification process. If it is granted because you think he lied, it is not on your head. Who knows, he may have lied when made the marriage vows. After such a short marriage, that seems likely.
 
MegO said:
This is part of the problem. All the lawyers I’ve talked to want me to file so that the case will be heard where I am now instead of where DH and I lived. I refuse to file though for all the reasons you mentioned. I haven’t had much luck finding a lawyer who is supportive of my religious beliefs.
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I don’t know your case, but I’d urge you not be so quick to dismiss competent legal counsel.

Have you talked to your pastor about this? A civil divorce may be permitted and even advisable in grave circumstances such as yours. Your religious duties may include taking civil actions that ensure that your husband will be held to providing for your children down the road.

Also, realize that you are not alone in having been abandoned on the pretext of such excuses. I’ve found that many, if not most, parishes have support groups for divorced and separated Catholics. That might be a godsend for you.

You might also check out whether there is a club for parents of multiples in your area. Having twins is very stressful on a marriage…and as a mom of twins in a great marriage, I can attest to that. Even with your parents’ help, parenting twins on your own is extremely stressful, regardless of the reason.

If you don’t have a parents of multiples club in your area, check out www.fullhousemoms.com. They have a bulletin board that is available for both members and non-members alike. If you have twin-specific problems down the road, they’re a great resource for ideas and support.
 
MegO said:
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I do know that it isn’t always the man that leaves the woman, and I’m certainly not trying to man-bash. There are plenty of women out there that do despicable things as well. Take the other woman in my case, she knows DH is married and has 14 month old twins but doesn’t even care.
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I have never understood why a woman would think that a man who could leave the mother of his children for her would, in their future together, be any more reliable.
In my experience, leopards don’t change their spots.
 
Karianne said:
I have never understood why a woman would think that a man who could leave the mother of his children for her would, in their future together, be any more reliable.
In my experience, leopards don’t change their spots.
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So true! I think it would be nice if somehow he could come back, but the simple fact is unless there is some type of **major **conversion on his part, I would discourage you from welcoming, or even hoping for, his return.

I find it particularly galling that he says “God told me to leave.” :mad:

You are in my prayers.
 
Karianne said:
I have never understood why a woman would think that a man who could leave the mother of his children for her would, in their future together, be any more reliable.
In my experience, leopards don’t change their spots.
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I agree wholeheartedly. No one that knows DH thinks this relationship he’s starting has any chance.
 
rpp said:
So true! I think it would be nice if somehow he could come back, but the simple fact is unless there is some type of **major **conversion on his part, I would discourage you from welcoming, or even hoping for, his return.
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That’s why I believe it would truly take a miracle.
 
v just had a miracle today on one of the other posts …!!! of exactly this kind where the husband is back home now…

🙂 so dont rule that out…
 
BLB_Oregon said:
I don’t know your case, but I’d urge you not be so quick to dismiss competent legal counsel.

Have you talked to your pastor about this? A civil divorce may be permitted and even advisable in grave circumstances such as yours. Your religious duties may include taking civil actions that ensure that your husband will be held to providing for your children down the road.

Also, realize that you are not alone in having been abandoned on the pretext of such excuses. I’ve found that many, if not most, parishes have support groups for divorced and separated Catholics. That might be a godsend for you.

You might also check out whether there is a club for parents of multiples in your area. Having twins is very stressful on a marriage…and as a mom of twins in a great marriage, I can attest to that. Even with your parents’ help, parenting twins on your own is extremely stressful, regardless of the reason.

If you don’t have a parents of multiples club in your area, check out www.fullhousemoms.com. They have a bulletin board that is available for both members and non-members alike. If you have twin-specific problems down the road, they’re a great resource for ideas and support.
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I’m trying to find a priest that I know is fully in alignment with Church teaching. I haven’t had much of a chance to even talk with a priest since I don’t have anyone to watch the babies and they won’t sit still for longer than about 15 seconds. I did speak with one priest but he has only been ordained for a few months and he didn’t seem very comfortable counseling me or giving me advice.
 
MegO said:
We both moved out. He is currently with his parents and I am with my mom. Since he is in law school and I stay at home, we don’t have much money. I could have stayed in the house but I wanted to save the money.
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Try to ask God to bless him, everyday, during your morning prayers. Before you know it, you will have forgiven him.

Just a real quick prayer, God bless Hank!, you can say it real fast, but eventually, you mean it.

I know it’s harder to pray for the other woman, but if you could do that before too long you will be free from your feelings about her.

Also, remember that seeing a lawyer about your rights and seeing a lawyer about the validity of your marriage are two different and distinct things.

If you don’t protect your rights now your children may pay for it later.
And don’t trust him if he says that you are not to worry about finances, that he will always take care of you, yada yada yada…

Get it in writing, he’s already broken one promise, don’t let him fool you twice.

You know, it was very kind of your mother to allow you to return home, especially with two children, but she can’t be expected to support his kids much longer, maybe it’s time that he got a job and didn’t worry about law school.
I wonder if the woman means THAT much to him.
 
mariam1976 said:
v just had a miracle today on one of the other posts …!!! of exactly this kind where the husband is back home now…

🙂 so dont rule that out…
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Can someone link me to that thread? I would love to read it.
 
rpp said:
So true! I think it would be nice if somehow he could come back, but the simple fact is unless there is some type of **major **conversion on his part, I would discourage you from welcoming, or even hoping for, his return.

I find it particularly galling that he says “God told me to leave.” :mad:

You are in my prayers.
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I know two people whose marriages were annulled. In both cases, the Tribunal would not even talk to them until the civil divorce was completed.
In other words, in the eyes of the Church, they were a married couple when they appeared before the tribunal.

I think that Meg needs a Civil attorney and a Canon Law Attorney.

Both of them will expect to be paid, although I think that the Church helped one person because he could not afford the Canon lawyer. I have no idea where a person goes to get a specialist in Canon Law. I guess the term could be googled, however, as I said, unless the Church has changed a lot, the annulment process can’t begin until the Civil Divorce is final.

Divorce is very expensive, it’s a shame to think that money that could go towards a better life for the family will be used in such a way.
I can think of many different ways to spend money beyond legal fees.
I have lawyers in my family so don’t think I’m anti lawyers, but still, there’s a better way.
 
Karianne said:
Try to ask God to bless him, everyday, during your morning prayers. Before you know it, you will have forgiven him.

Just a real quick prayer, God bless Hank!, you can say it real fast, but eventually, you mean it.

I know it’s harder to pray for the other woman, but if you could do that before too long you will be free from your feelings about her.

Also, remember that seeing a lawyer about your rights and seeing a lawyer about the validity of your marriage are two different and distinct things.

** If you don’t protect your rights now your children may pay for it later.
And don’t trust him if he says that you are not to worry about finances, that he will always take care of you, yada yada yada…

Get it in writing, he’s already broken one promise, don’t let him fool you twice.**

You know, it was very kind of your mother to allow you to return home, especially with two children, but she can’t be expected to support his kids much longer, maybe it’s time that he got a job and didn’t worry about law school.
I wonder if the woman means THAT much to him.
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All good advice!

Do not be afraid to file for the divorce yourself. There are certain advantages in doing this.

If you do reach some type of financial agreement before the court, which I recommend, absolutely get it in writing! If you start hearing the words, “We don’t the judge to decide, we can keep it between us…” ignore them! It is a trap.

Another issue, some men will threaten to fight for custody of the children. He does not really want them, he is just trying to use this as ammunition to get you to settle for less child-support or alimony. Don’t buy it! Call the bluff for what it is.

Remember, he probably has access to some good free advice from his professors. You want a sliding-scale child support and alimony, or at least the opportunity to have the court revisit it, as his income will probably increase dramaticly after he graduates from law school. Your children, and his, deserve to benefit from his prosperity.
 
rpp said:
All good advice!

Do not be afraid to file for the divorce yourself. There are certain advantages in doing this.

If you do reach some type of financial agreement before the court, which I recommend, absolutely get it in writing! If you start hearing the words, “We don’t the judge to decide, we can keep it between us…” ignore them! It is a trap.

Another issue, some men will threaten to fight for custody of the children. He does not really want them, he is just trying to use this as ammunition to get you to settle for less child-support or alimony. Don’t buy it! Call the bluff for what it is.

Remember, he probably has access to some good free advice from his professors. You want a sliding-scale child support and alimony, or at least the opportunity to have the court revisit it, as his income will probably increase dramaticly after he graduates from law school. Your children, and his, deserve to benefit from his prosperity.
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You’re right, and the old trick of pretending to want custody of the children is almost a tradition in divorce courts.
 
Thanks, that’s a very inspirational story. DH is supposed to be driving up here on Thursday to see the babies. Please keep us in your prayers. Specifically, pray that I can treat DH as Christ would and not as I want to out of anger.
 
MegO said:
Thanks, that’s a very inspirational story. DH is supposed to be driving up here on Thursday to see the babies. Please keep us in your prayers. Specifically, pray that I can treat DH as Christ would and not as I want to out of anger.
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I think it is good he is coming to see his children. I would caution you, however, to always either be with the kids too, or have one of your parents be with the kids at all times. He may decide to take your children on “a trip”.
 
MegO said:
Thank you for all the prayers.

I’m 99.999% sure we didn’t sign anything the day we were married, but I agree about the vows speaking for themselves.
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My hubby had to sign papers…this was because the day we got married he was NOT baptized and was NOT Catholic. The papers he sign said that he realized that this was an sacramental marriage and the all children we have would have to be raised Catholic. (Hubby converted 1 year after our wedding day)

My brother-in-law had to sign papers…this was because the day he married my sister he was NOT Catholic (His papers were the same as my husband) (Brother-in-law is still a Non-Catholic…but he’s helping my sister raise the baby Catholic :))

I have NOT heard of 2 Catholics signing papers…
Are you and hubby both Catholic?
 
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