He left us...

[Karin]

I come from a broken family and we are all spread out. After DH left me, I came to live with my mom to conserve what little money we have (but she works a ridiculous amount and isn’t around to help very often at all). My dad lives about 30 minutes from my mom, but he left her for someone else when I was a freshman in college so we aren’t close. My older sister lives about 15 minutes from where DH and I lived but she works almost 80 hours a week and isn’t around much to help. My little sister and her husband live about 45 minutes away but they are moving to North Carolina in a few weeks.

Basically, I have to be here with my mom or I will have to put the babies in daycare. I really don’t have any help though which definitely makes things extremely tough. I am definitely continuing to pray. It is just hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Meg-
As you continue to pray…contact an attorney (your first priority at this point is to protect your kids and yourself)…

 

[cmujake]

Meg,

I will pray for you and your children. I will especially pray for your husband, that he will find his way. He is a lost soul right now.

God Bless.

 

[Jared123]

Meg,
I might be able to give you some advice since I have been through this before as I stated above. There are plenty of women giving you advice so it might be nice to hear some advice from a mans point of view. The worst thing you can do is beg DH to come back. However I don’t think you should slam the door on this relationship just yet. You will have plenty of people who will tell you to divorce him and take every dime you can get in child support/alimony. DH has just left you and is probably in a state of bliss with his new girlfriend. The reality of what he has done hasn’t even probably set in yet. Let him be the one to file for divorce. If you file for divorce, you will have to always wonder what if I would of waited longer to see if there was a chance DH would of came back. Also you have to take into consideration what your children are going to eventually find out. If you divorce DH even if he was seeing another women he will always tell his children that you divorced him. You will want your children to know that you did everything possible to save the marriage. This is very hard to explain if you are the one who filed.
Don’t be worried about the courts siding with you on custody and child support. No fault states will always side with the women unless he can prove that you are an unfit mother. You would have to be harming the children or be on drugs and in jail before he could prove that you are an unfit mother. So you will be calling the shots on these two areas. With him losing custody and figuring out that he will pay $1,000 a month in child support might just be a enough to make him think. I gurantee his girlfriend will be totally annoyed that they will have to pay you $1,000 each month if not more for the next 18 years.
As far as the annulment goes. This process is a very slow one and rightly so. The Church wants couples to make sure that there is no chance of reconciliation before starting the process. In my diocese as well as the surrounding diocese the annulment process doesn’t even begin until you are civially divorced. Then there is a waiting period after that. In my situation it took us almost one year for the civil courts to finalize the divorce (I dragged my feet), and then we had to wait another year after that to start the annulment process. From the time all the paperwork was submitted on the case it took another year to receive the declaration of nullity. So it was a three year process from start to finish. I too thought there was no way my marriage wasn’t a valid sacramental bond in the begining. But after watching how my x-wife handled the divorce and the mistakes we both made before marriage it was obvious that the marriage was lacking and not a sacramental bond. There is much more I could talk and type about will stop for now. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

 

[havemercy]

I will be praying with my patron-name saint, Joseph, and Our Lady for you and your little ones. I’ll also ask Padre Pio to teach your husband a thing or two. (Why I oughta…)

Bless you, and be strong.

In Christ, the Prince of Peace,
tony

 

[dulcissima]

I was going to post a pretty similar message to the one that Jared123 just posted. I think it is entirely possible that once your husband meets with an attorney and sees the financial reality of a divorce, he might have a different view of that greener pasture. Divorces are amazingly expensive. One option that I might add, is that if he has not yet filed for divorce, maybe it would be a good idea to file for a legal separation. That would give you a lot of the financial protection without having to file for a divorce. Talk to an attorney.

I’m going through a divorce myself right now, and although my situation is very different than yours, I just want you to know that there are better days ahead. It is rough, but just hold fast to your faith and stick close to God. I think you will find that sometimes when things don’t turn out the way that you expected, that God was there with you, keeping you going in the right direction even when you couldn’t see the path.

 

[gmarie21]

I come from a broken family and we are all spread out. After DH left me, I came to live with my mom to conserve what little money we have (but she works a ridiculous amount and isn’t around to help very often at all). My dad lives about 30 minutes from my mom, but he left her for someone else when I was a freshman in college so we aren’t close.

Meg, this concerns me for your sake. My parents divorced when I was young (dad had multiple affairs) I was never compelled to choose between the two. Since you were an adult when the divorce happened you may have felt that you should have taken sides. Try to reconnect with your dad in any way possible. He is still your dad. This will show your twins a good example of how they are to treat their father despite what happens between the two of you. Your dad is your dad, don’t be mad at him anymore (it’s damaging for you, and relationships that you have wether you realize it or not). Also, I am a little concerned because since you took sides with your parents divorce I hope that you do not make your children take sides. You may not directly make them choose, but your actions (like not talking to your dad) speaks volumes, even to toddlers.

Your husband hurt you, but just like you, he also has dignity and your children need to know that. They are a part of him and they will have his traits too, so even though it seems impossible, you need to figure out how to forgive him. I’m not saying that you and your husband have to reconcile, but you HAVE to forgive him and work out a co-parenting situation. Your twins NEED to have a relationship with their father. You’d be surprised, some men are better fathers after a divorce than when they were married (my dad being one, one cousin’s ex husband being one, another cousin’s ex husband being another, etc.). Your husband may be a **** husband, but he can turn out to be a good father. Try to make sure you don’t get too much in the way of him trying to spend time with his and your children.

Also, try to seek out therapy even through Catholic Charities (they do it on a sliding scale). Work through your anger with your parents divorce and forgiving your father as well as working through your anger at your situation. You will not be able to move on at a healthy pace in your life if you don’t forgive both of the men that have hurt you in your life.

 

[MegO]

Meg, this concerns me for your sake. My parents divorced when I was young (dad had multiple affairs) I was never compelled to choose between the two. Since you were an adult when the divorce happened you may have felt that you should have taken sides. Try to reconnect with your dad in any way possible. He is still your dad. This will show your twins a good example of how they are to treat their father despite what happens between the two of you. Your dad is your dad, don’t be mad at him anymore (it’s damaging for you, and relationships that you have wether you realize it or not). Also, I am a little concerned because since you took sides with your parents divorce I hope that you do not make your children take sides. You may not directly make them choose, but your actions (like not talking to your dad) speaks volumes, even to toddlers.

Your husband hurt you, but just like you, he also has dignity and your children need to know that. They are a part of him and they will have his traits too, so even though it seems impossible, you need to figure out how to forgive him. I’m not saying that you and your husband have to reconcile, but you HAVE to forgive him and work out a co-parenting situation. Your twins NEED to have a relationship with their father. You’d be surprised, some men are better fathers after a divorce than when they were married (my dad being one, one cousin’s ex husband being one, another cousin’s ex husband being another, etc.). Your husband may be a **** husband, but he can turn out to be a good father. Try to make sure you don’t get too much in the way of him trying to spend time with his and your children.

Also, try to seek out therapy even through Catholic Charities (they do it on a sliding scale). Work through your anger with your parents divorce and forgiving your father as well as working through your anger at your situation. You will not be able to move on at a healthy pace in your life if you don’t forgive both of the men that have hurt you in your life.

The affair isn’t the only reason I have limited contact with my dad. I do speak with him, I am just closer with my mom. I have forgiven him, but I don’t feel that because I have forgiven him that I need to have him extremely involved in my life. He is true narcissist. He can never take responsibility for anything, turns any argument around on the other party, and makes the other do all the work to maintain any kind of relationship. It is very draining to have a relationship where one must do all the work. I do call him periodically and we actually had dinner last week. I just don’t have the energy to do ALL the work to maintain a high quality relationship with him.

I would not make my children take sides. I think that they will figure out what kind of person DH is on their own and in their own time. I do worry about what kind of influence he will be in their lives. I’m hoping it will turn out better than I fear.

I am going to counseling. I have Catholic counselor who actually sees patients at a discounted rate through a parish in my area.

 

[MegO]

As for forgiving DH, I am working on that. I know that a lot of his problems are a result of deeper issues from his past. I would like to say that I have forgiven him, but it is a work in progress. It is very hard to forgive someone that you trusted so completely and then completely betrayed you. I know it is not impossible, it just takes some time.

 

[mariam1976]

please see if there is a divorcecare program in your neighbourhood. It will help you in the healing process. It is a christian program based on the bible

 

[shirleytowers]

Is DH supporting you at all?

Jared and others said to let your DH file first. That might be bad advice if the filer has any legal advantage or if you have to do that to get child support. You need a lawyer to know that for sure.

Don’t be too sure about the custody thing. I hate to throw cold water on their rosy concepts about moms getting custody, but I lost custody of my three daughters to my bipolar abusive ex husband without so much as a hearing – not due process, but it happened! By the time I got it nullified, he had had them for a few months and my attorney advised me NOT to get them back yet, but to get legal custody. Bad advice, as it turned out. It took me two years and $50K to get them back. So dot your I’s and cross your T’s. ** And don’t take legal advice from anyone not licensed to practice law in your state.

**Don’t be all depressed. Treat this as the start of a new and better life and get moving! You must ac to protect your children. Ask for God to guide you and trust him to point you in the right direction.

 

[Jared123]

Is DH supporting you at all?

Jared and others said to let your DH file first. That might be bad advice if the filer has any legal advantage or if you have to do that to get child support. You need a lawyer to know that for sure.

Don’t be too sure about the custody thing. I hate to throw cold water on their rosy concepts about moms getting custody, but I lost custody of my three daughters to my bipolar abusive ex husband without so much as a hearing – not due process, but it happened! By the time I got it nullified, he had had them for a few months and my attorney advised me NOT to get them back yet, but to get legal custody. Bad advice, as it turned out. It took me two years and $50K to get them back. So dot your I’s and cross your T’s. ** And don’t take legal advice from anyone not licensed to practice law in your state.

**Don’t be all depressed. Treat this as the start of a new and better life and get moving! You must ac to protect your children. Ask for God to guide you and trust him to point you in the right direction.

Of course you should talk to an attorney and find out your legal rights. But I am very confident that you will not have any problem getting full custodial rights of your children, especially if this a no fault state. Once you start the process by contacting an attorney, he or she will want to file for divorce as soon as possible. In my opionion it would not be wise to file as soon as possible. This will only lower the chances of any reconciliation. Most Attorneys could care less about your marriage and whether or not you get back together. They make a living off of people divorcing, sad isn’t it. Its a fine between protecting yourself and children and officailly ending the marraige.
I think it is great you are seeing a Catholic counselor. Hopefully they are giving you good christian advice. I went to a Catholic counselor at Catholic social services and he told me that most counselors will tell their clients to divorce and start over. Sure enough my x-wife went to a counselor one time and she gave her a book titiled “How to divorce your husband guilt free.” I knew right then and there that there was know way she would ever reconcile. Most counselor are not pro marriage, but rather pro divorce, hopefully you picked a pro marriage one.

 

[MegO]

please see if there is a divorcecare program in your neighbourhood. It will help you in the healing process. It is a christian program based on the bible

Does this program tend to be good for Catholics? I checked out the website and all the groups are offered at Baptist/Non-Denom churches. Now, I don’t have a problem with that, but here in the south, they can be rather anti-Catholic. I’d be afraid they’d try to convert me. I want support, not to have to constantly defend my faith.

 

[dulcissima]

If you have left your home with your daughters to live with your mother, then there is another reason to be quick about getting to a lawyer. When I left my husband and took my kids to my parents’ house and told him that I was going to file for legal separation, he avoided being served and went to a lawyer and filed for divorce seeking full custody saying that I had “kidnapped” the kids. Fortunately the judge did not buy that, and I got custody. However, because he was able to serve me first, our divorce is being heard by a court in the county where we lived, which is 5 hours away from my parents’ house. I got ordered to move back down here with the kids. Fortuntately the judge also ordered him out of our home and issued a restraining order against him. It really could have turned out a lot worse though. It is not all that uncommon for women who “take the kids and go to Mom’s house” to lose custody at an ex-parte hearing, with the husband saying that she kidnapped the children. Your husband is going to have motivation to seek at least partial custody of your daughters though, once he finds out just how expensive child support and spousal support are. That is why it is really important to find a good attorney and soon.

 

[MegO]

Is DH supporting you at all?

Jared and others said to let your DH file first. That might be bad advice if the filer has any legal advantage or if you have to do that to get child support. You need a lawyer to know that for sure.

Don’t be too sure about the custody thing. I hate to throw cold water on their rosy concepts about moms getting custody, but I lost custody of my three daughters to my bipolar abusive ex husband without so much as a hearing – not due process, but it happened! By the time I got it nullified, he had had them for a few months and my attorney advised me NOT to get them back yet, but to get legal custody. Bad advice, as it turned out. It took me two years and $50K to get them back. So dot your I’s and cross your T’s. ** And don’t take legal advice from anyone not licensed to practice law in your state.

**Don’t be all depressed. Treat this as the start of a new and better life and get moving! You must ac to protect your children. Ask for God to guide you and trust him to point you in the right direction.

I appreciate your advice, but DH is way too self-centered to want to take care of the babies. I know it is always a possibility, but I HIGHLY doubt he will put up any fight regarding custody.

See… I feel like by treating this as the start of a new and better life I am betraying my vows. I understand what you are saying, but I am not ready to join my DH in throwing in the towel just yet. I know that the person underneath all the baggage is wonderful, kind, and caring. That person is just so buried that I don’t know if DH can ever dig himself out. I can see the person God created my DH to be, and it makes me so utterly sad to see him turn his back on God and make choices that I KNOW without a doubt God does not approve of. I know that no one is beyond being reached by God, but I feel like my DH is so far down an unholy path that it would take a true miracle to save him. But I did take a vow and do not want to turn my back on him even though he has turned his back on me.

I do admit that I think of life if he does go through with a divorce and it just depresses me. Not because I won’t be with him (although I will mourn not being with the person I know he is capable of being), but because I want a family. I want my children to have a mom and a dad. I don’t want them to know a time without a “dad”. I’m not saying I would go out and marry the next person that comes along just so they will have that, I’m not saying that at all. But I do worry that I won’t find anyone else (ever or not for a very long time). I feel like I will be stigmatized by Catholic singles in my age range (I’m only 25) because of divorce. I’m afraid that the kind of person I would want for a spouse (very devout) would not want me because I would be divorced. Yes, I know these thoughts are very preemptive, but they run through my mind nonetheless. I’m not saying I want someone to rescue me, although I suppose what I’m saying could be taken that way. It’s just that I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am called to be a wife and mother. It IS my vocation. It is my calling. I wish I had faith that God had someone out there for me that would be all the things I want in a spouse, someone who will love my children as if they were their own, someone who is 100% faithful to the Church and all It’s teachings, someone who wants a large family and who not only will but also has the capacity to lead our family spiritually. I’m just afraid that person doesn’t exist or that I will never find them and that I will be alone and my children will never know the love of a “father” who loves their mother. I suppose I am really struggling right now with fear and lack of faith that God will provide everything I need.

I have such turmoil inside right now. On the one hand, I don’t want to give up hope that my marriage can be saved, but I also don’t want to hold out false hope. I need to make decisions regarding my path. Thank God that I can live with my mom and stay home with the babies until they are in school, but eventually I will need to get a job. I don’t have the first clue what I want to do! My life was so on track and then all of a sudden…boom! Now nothing is as I planned and I don’t have the first clue what to do. Literally, all I can do right now is pray and take care of my babies.

 

[MegO]

Of course you should talk to an attorney and find out your legal rights. But I am very confident that you will not have any problem getting full custodial rights of your children, especially if this a no fault state. Once you start the process by contacting an attorney, he or she will want to file for divorce as soon as possible. In my opionion it would not be wise to file as soon as possible. This will only lower the chances of any reconciliation. Most Attorneys could care less about your marriage and whether or not you get back together. They make a living off of people divorcing, sad isn’t it. Its a fine between protecting yourself and children and officailly ending the marraige.

This is part of the problem. All the lawyers I’ve talked to want me to file so that the case will be heard where I am now instead of where DH and I lived. I refuse to file though for all the reasons you mentioned. I haven’t had much luck finding a lawyer who is supportive of my religious beliefs.

 

[MegO]

If you have left your home with your daughters to live with your mother, then there is another reason to be quick about getting to a lawyer. When I left my husband and took my kids to my parents’ house and told him that I was going to file for legal separation, he avoided being served and went to a lawyer and filed for divorce seeking full custody saying that I had “kidnapped” the kids. Fortunately the judge did not buy that, and I got custody. However, because he was able to serve me first, our divorce is being heard by a court in the county where we lived, which is 5 hours away from my parents’ house. I got ordered to move back down here with the kids. Fortuntately the judge also ordered him out of our home and issued a restraining order against him. It really could have turned out a lot worse though. It is not all that uncommon for women who “take the kids and go to Mom’s house” to lose custody at an ex-parte hearing, with the husband saying that she kidnapped the children. Your husband is going to have motivation to seek at least partial custody of your daughters though, once he finds out just how expensive child support and spousal support are. That is why it is really important to find a good attorney and soon.

I see what you are saying but he repeatedly said it was ok for me to come here and I have multiple witnesses who can confirm that. There is no way he will be able to claim that I kidnapped the babies. As for making me move back where we were, I do know that could happen, but even if I file here he could still force me to move back there because I have to be here for 90 days at the time he files. I’ve only been here for 2 weeks and he plans to file asap. If he decides to make me come back there, I can’t really do much.

 

[Jared123]

Be prepared for him to file, but let him file first.

 

[shirleytowers]

I think you should move back into your house and make HIM move out.

I also thought my husband wouldn’t want the kids, but as it turned out he DID want to hurt me and so he asked for custodywhich as I had taken the kids out of state (with his written permission) turned out to work against me. Take nothing for granted and do not think he will not eventually start taking his own interests more seriously than he now is.

It is not betraying your vows if he left you for another woman. He has already divorced you, more or less. Legal filing doesn’t make it final, you know, it just starts the ball rolling for support. And it does not preclude reconciling.

 

[Jared123]

I think you should move back into your house and make HIM move out.

I also thought my husband wouldn’t want the kids, but as it turned out he DID want to hurt me and so he asked for custodywhich as I had taken the kids out of state (with his written permission) turned out to work against me. Take nothing for granted and do not think he will not eventually start taking his own interests more seriously than he now is.

It is not betraying your vows if he left you for another woman. He has already divorced you, more or less. Legal filing doesn’t make it final, you know, it just starts the ball rolling for support. And it does not preclude reconciling.

He might fight for custody to hurt you if this turns out to be a bitter, horrible thing like most divorces are. I have to disagree with Shirley about your vows. Just because DH has done a horrible thing that doesn’t nullify ones wedding vows. Remember when one gets married they say “for better or worse.” Not better for better or else I am throwing in the towl. Also a civil divorce doesn’t make a marriage null and final in the eyes of God and the Church, only a declaration of nullity will do this. I am going to say this again and probably get beat up for it. Don’t give up on DH, he is young and blinded by sin. Continue to pray for him and leave every door open to reconciliation. Let him be the one to shut the doors. Just think if this marriage is saved and both receive couseling. You could have a stronger marriage than ever, plus your children will not have to suffer the anxiety of growing up without dad in their life. I have been down this road and have an 8 year old daughter who goes back and forth between mom and dad. A divorce doesn’t end the suffering for anyone. At night I will tuck my daughter into bed and lay down beside her and have a “father, daughter talk.” She will often say to me, why can’t you and my mother get back together. Or why can’t we all live in one big house as one big family. After 6 years it still hurts, not as bad, but still hurts.

 

[MegO]

I think you should move back into your house and make HIM move out.

We both moved out. He is currently with his parents and I am with my mom. Since he is in law school and I stay at home, we don’t have much money. I could have stayed in the house but I wanted to save the money.