He left us...

[Karianne]

I did not see anywhere in the OP’s post that he has intention of taking care of the kids.

Your story is the Last thing She Needs to Think About now!

How is this helping her?

Good God!

Exactly, that’s why I wanted her to think carefully about custody, her rights and responsibilities.
My post is the second thing she needs to think about, not the last thing.
She may hate the idea of seeing a lawyer but it’s essential, that she do so, right after she sees a priest.
Stop being so dramatic, it annoys me.

 

[gmarie21]

The only other piece of advice I’d offer is for you to document everything that pertains to your twins. He may not seem interested in custody now, but when it gets to court, he may change his tune and get more than every other weekend (or even fight for custody). Start documenting the times he spends with them, doctor appointments they’re brought to (who brought them). Document if he calls to speak to them on the phone, how long the conversation is. Anytime he calls, ask him if he wants to say hi to your children (just b/c they’re little doesn’t mean that they can’t listen to him on the phone) and document his response as well as how long he talks to them. Document, document, document. Also, even though it hurts a lot, do not do anything to inhibit him from visiting with your twins. That can be used against you. It may be difficult, but you need to start working out a co-parenting situation now, seperating your hurt about the divorce from his being their parent.

Now, he may just feel overwhelmed right now (the reality of being a parent, as you know, can hit some like a brick and not immediately). Most likely he’ll be involved in your children’s lives. I have known men who get a sense of suffocation as a result of being a parent and married (no breathing room, not much time for what they use to do for fun, having to be financially responsible for other mouths to feed besides himself). Maybe he’s going through that right now, maybe not.

Even though I haven’t been married, my dd’s dad went through a period where he didn’t see her much, but he missed her too much and realized that his life was far more sadder and emptier without her. Also, I have a cousin who divorced when her dd was about 2. Her ex-husband finally got his act together and she gets along better with him and his family now more than ever (she even says that in the beginning he was a terrible father, but he eventually grew to be a great dad).

Just try to not hold his actions now against him in the future if he wants a relationship with your twins.

 

[Julianna]

Exactly, that’s why I wanted her to think carefully about custody, her rights and responsibilities.
My post is the second thing she needs to think about, not the last thing.
She may hate the idea of seeing a lawyer but it’s essential, that she do so, right after she sees a priest.
Stop being so dramatic, it annoys me.

Karianne…I’m with you.

Meg, do you work outside the home? Yes, this is an important question. Do you all have a joint bank account? If you own a home, is YOUR name on the deed? Do you own a vehicle jointly? It’s great to be wrapped up in the SAHM and letting hubby “take care” of the finances, et al…but in a case like this, she needs to go into the CYA mode. If Meg’s name is NOT on any of the things I mentioned…he could wipe her out. Remember, he has a “honey” to wine and dine now. This IS the reality.

Seeing her parish priest to get some counseling is an excellent idea to get the ball rolling for spiritual guidance. Then comes the nitty gritty legal guidance.

I can’t imagine that someone would want to stay in a marriage where one partner had no love or feelings for their spouse. Seems to be the case here IMHO. A man that does not love the mother of his children, cannot possibly be a good daddy. A father for bio reasons…but a daddy…no.

There is only so much “hand holding” that can be done. Meg, call your parents and let them know what is going on. If you have a good relationship with them, all the more the better. Your family can be your emotional support, your church your spiritual support and your attorney your legal support. The folks on this board will be here for you…you can count on that…you are not alone. You will get advice from all angles, some you will take, some you will dismiss, but I believe the people on this board are here for you…those who have experience in the annulment process can guide you. I agree with the documentation. You need to do that. Tell him nothing of your feelings…no crying, no sighing,…no begging…no pleading…it only makes you weak…and your babies need their momma standing on two legs. Never tell them what a scummy dad they have as they grow up…they will find out on their own. YOU be the bigger person.

Here in NC there is an alienation of affection law. Where a spouse can sue the “honey” or the “stud” in case of an affair. The “honey” and/or the “stud” has to pay the offended spouse. I love it…if your husbands “honey” had to “pay” YOU…maybe the “honey’s:” and/or “studs” would think twice before getting involved with a married man/woman. A case in my state…a honey had to pay her man’s ex wife…over 300,000 grand. Works for me. Something to think about.

Karianne…your advice was solid and right on. Sympathy is great…but now reality must be dealt with.

 

[mariam1976]

i know what you mean about a true change of heart needs to take place before he comes back home… however, remember that even if it does, it could take a while. I dont know anything about your husband but he might just not be interested anymore. Its a very big step to take when you have 2 small kids waiting at home.
Take care of your kids and yourself based on the advice given out there… this forum is great and you will have great friends to take you through the process…
Praying will help you… believe me when I say this as I went through the same process some months ago and I am going through a divorce right now. Praying will put you more in touch with God during this time and that is essential. I struggled with the whole concept of God’ will and his will and finally realised that no matter what HE can take every situation and change it for our good… so hang in there.
you might think his coming back would be good…but maybe it will not be as it would cause more heartache…

 

[leonie]

You should talk to a Priest about annulments. If your spouse did not intend to stay married when he took his vows, you may have valid grounds for an annulment. Plus, he sounds very immature. It may be that he didn’t have the ability to understand the marriage covenant.

I’m surprised that he would pursue an annulment. It seems like guys this selfish don’t usually care about annulments and be in good standing in the Church.

What a lousy thing to happen. I’m so sorry. It’s a very heavy cross that you are being asked to carry. Be sure to take care of yourself physically and spiritually. You will need your strength in the months to come.

Sending prayers. Leonie

 

[Jared123]

I have been through this same scenerio except that I am a guy and my ex-wife left me for another man. We have a daughter together and live in a no fault state as well. I can tell you that you have a big advantage over your husband as far as getting custody of the children and financial support. I don’t have any custodial rights and get to make no decision in my daughters life.(what school she goes to, what doctor, daycare etc.) I only get to see her every other weekend and one day a week. That one day a week was an extra bone my ex-wife threw me, the state only allows every other weekend. At anytime my wife could leave the state and take my daughter with her and I would have no say. I am required to pay child support, 1/2 of private school tuition, 1/2 of insurance, 1/2 of daycare, and as one person wrote my ex-wife can take me back to court and raise my child support at any time she feels necessary if I have made more money. I just wanted to let all of you know that it isn’t always the guy who leaves the women high and dry it goes both ways, and would venture to say that most of the time women are now leaving the man since she usually has very little to lose.

I do want to post a website for you to look up, go to:

www.retrouvaille.org This is a good organization that helps couple who are on the verge of divorce. It might help

 

[MegO]

I’m surprised that he would pursue an annulment. It seems like guys this selfish don’t usually care about annulments and be in good standing in the Church.

The girl he’s involved with is from a Catholic family and DH is from a big Italian Catholic family. I don’t think HE cares about being in good standing with the Church, but I’m sure the others do and he knows it.

 

[MegO]

Meg, do you work outside the home? Yes, this is an important question. Do you all have a joint bank account? If you own a home, is YOUR name on the deed? Do you own a vehicle jointly? It’s great to be wrapped up in the SAHM and letting hubby “take care” of the finances, et al…but in a case like this, she needs to go into the CYA mode. If Meg’s name is NOT on any of the things I mentioned…he could wipe her out. Remember, he has a “honey” to wine and dine now. This IS the reality.

Seeing her parish priest to get some counseling is an excellent idea to get the ball rolling for spiritual guidance. Then comes the nitty gritty legal guidance.

I can’t imagine that someone would want to stay in a marriage where one partner had no love or feelings for their spouse. Seems to be the case here IMHO. A man that does not love the mother of his children, cannot possibly be a good daddy. A father for bio reasons…but a daddy…no.

There is only so much “hand holding” that can be done. Meg, call your parents and let them know what is going on. If you have a good relationship with them, all the more the better. Your family can be your emotional support, your church your spiritual support and your attorney your legal support. The folks on this board will be here for you…you can count on that…you are not alone. You will get advice from all angles, some you will take, some you will dismiss, but I believe the people on this board are here for you…those who have experience in the annulment process can guide you. I agree with the documentation. You need to do that. Tell him nothing of your feelings…no crying, no sighing,…no begging…no pleading…it only makes you weak…and your babies need their momma standing on two legs. Never tell them what a scummy dad they have as they grow up…they will find out on their own. YOU be the bigger person.

Here in NC there is an alienation of affection law. Where a spouse can sue the “honey” or the “stud” in case of an affair. The “honey” and/or the “stud” has to pay the offended spouse. I love it…if your husbands “honey” had to “pay” YOU…maybe the “honey’s:” and/or “studs” would think twice before getting involved with a married man/woman. A case in my state…a honey had to pay her man’s ex wife…over 300,000 grand. Works for me. Something to think about.

Karianne…your advice was solid and right on. Sympathy is great…but now reality must be dealt with.

I am a SAHM, but I pay all our bills and control all of our money. We do not own a home and both of us owned our cars before we got married so they are legally our separate property. We do have a joint bank account but the majority of our money is in my savings account since it earns the most interest there.

I wish we had an alienation of affection law here, but we don’t.

 

[MegO]

I have been through this same scenerio except that I am a guy and my ex-wife left me for another man. We have a daughter together and live in a no fault state as well. I can tell you that you have a big advantage over your husband as far as getting custody of the children and financial support. I don’t have any custodial rights and get to make no decision in my daughters life.(what school she goes to, what doctor, daycare etc.) I only get to see her every other weekend and one day a week. That one day a week was an extra bone my ex-wife threw me, the state only allows every other weekend. At anytime my wife could leave the state and take my daughter with her and I would have no say. I am required to pay child support, 1/2 of private school tuition, 1/2 of insurance, 1/2 of daycare, and as one person wrote my ex-wife can take me back to court and raise my child support at any time she feels necessary if I have made more money. I just wanted to let all of you know that it isn’t always the guy who leaves the women high and dry it goes both ways, and would venture to say that most of the time women are now leaving the man since she usually has very little to lose.

I do want to post a website for you to look up, go to:

www.retrouvaille.org This is a good organization that helps couple who are on the verge of divorce. It might help

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I do know that it isn’t always the man that leaves the woman, and I’m certainly not trying to man-bash. There are plenty of women out there that do despicable things as well. Take the other woman in my case, she knows DH is married and has 14 month old twins but doesn’t even care.

 

[mariam1976]

dont worry… what goes around comes around… she will get her own… God is the great equaler…

 

[darthsmozers]

I am so sorry I will pray for you and your chidlren, most definitely. May God bless you.

 

[For_Truth]

Dear Meg,

This is my first ever forum so hear goes. Divorce is wrong we all know this. Is there any chance at reconcilliation, I am sure you still love him. If there is a chance of reconcillitation please read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Doctor James Dobson. Even if there is no chance of getting back together this book will turn on a switch about relationships. My husband left me a couple of years ago and I literally begged him to stay saying that I would change. (This was definatly the wrong thing to do, as I was basically turning into a doormat for him to wipe his feet on) He went away for a couple of days and inbetween I read the book, well we are still married today and have just had our ninth anniversary. I am not saying this will definatly be a cure all, but what have you got to loose? Read the book it won’t take long, give it a go.

Thinking of you from one girl who does know the feeling (also have two children) you are a beautiful child of God and never forget that.

God Bless

A. For Truth

 

[mariam1976]

i agree!! do not BEG him to stay… that is the worst thing to do and the BIGGEST mistake to make!!!

 

[Damascus]

Exactly, that’s why I wanted her to think carefully about custody, her rights and responsibilities.
My post is the second thing she needs to think about, not the last thing.
She may hate the idea of seeing a lawyer but it’s essential, that she do so, right after she sees a priest.
Stop being so dramatic, it annoys me.

Sorry you get so easily annoyed. First, She agrees he does not want the kids, so, as I imagined he would not, the picture you painted about wild senarios of her possibly not seeing the twins was IMHO, not to bloody helpful.

I never told her Not to get a lawyer.

Drama? Welcome to knowing what this is all about minus twins.

 

[shirleytowers]

I wonder whatever happened with megO…?

 

[Damascus]

She might have gotten nightmares about being Sally Field in “not without my daughter- I mean twins”

I am only guessing.

Talk about drama.

Its Christmastime, maybe its hard for her to get through the holidays so I am hoping she will come back.

 

[MegO]

I’m here. It’s just hard to get very much time on the computer since I don’t have any help. Just trying to make it through each day…

 

[shirleytowers]

Meg, my sister’s husband pulled this exacty same stunt and then came crawling back a week later when his “love interest” turned out to be crazy as a bedbug. They are in serious therapy.

Ten years ago, my husband of 17 years who I help put through college left me with three kids, moved out, said he wanted a divorce etc. when really what he wanted was to punish me for calling the police and FINALLY having him arrested for smacking me. I believe now that he was bipolar. I have gone on to a closer relationship with God, an annulment, a happy marriage and family, and a better job in a better climate. He has gone on to bankruptcy, a second divorce, being fired, evicted, unemployed for two years, and to lucky to find a job as a long distance truck driver.

Prayer–pray your brains out.

So chin up and ask God to take the situation over. God answered my prayers and he will answer yours. Do your best NOW to provide for your children. If it has been months, you need financial support first. I hope you can find family or friends who will help and support you at this time. Bless you and your twins. I will pray for you.

 

[Julianna]

I’m here. It’s just hard to get very much time on the computer since I don’t have any help. Just trying to make it through each day…

Meg, do your parents live near you or your siblings?

 

[MegO]

I come from a broken family and we are all spread out. After DH left me, I came to live with my mom to conserve what little money we have (but she works a ridiculous amount and isn’t around to help very often at all). My dad lives about 30 minutes from my mom, but he left her for someone else when I was a freshman in college so we aren’t close. My older sister lives about 15 minutes from where DH and I lived but she works almost 80 hours a week and isn’t around much to help. My little sister and her husband live about 45 minutes away but they are moving to North Carolina in a few weeks.

Basically, I have to be here with my mom or I will have to put the babies in daycare. I really don’t have any help though which definitely makes things extremely tough. I am definitely continuing to pray. It is just hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel.