Help/advice needed - vasectomy related

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Peacefulwishes

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Hello everyone, I am new here so I hope you don’t mind if I jump in. I’ve got an issue arising in my marriage that is leaving me feeling very uneasy. Hubby and I have been married for 3.5 years and have 2 beautiful very active children. 😉 Actually our first was such a piece of cake we couldn’t wait to have our second, and he was born 20 months after the first. But he was not, and is not, a piece of cake! He has had minor health issues (food allergies - he is breastfed and therefor I have been on a strict dairy/soy free diet for the past year) which caused him to be very colicky in the beginning. My temperament is, well, fiery. I really felt as if I was going to have a mental breakdown pretty much every day for the first 6 months of his life. (btw he will be one next week!) This caused my husband grief, because he hated to see me so burdened and unhappy. He has had a lot of trouble bonding with our son as well. He is a great Dad though, very very devoted, caring, loving and kind. But he’s not as close to our son as he is our daughter.

Anyway, to the point. He made mention of a vasectomy not long after our son was born, back when we were in our worst days in his infancy. I had the Mirena IUD (before I realized what it really was!) put in, but a few months later I was really out of it, out of sorts, and couldn’t help but feel that the Mirena and the synthetic hormones it releases was the cause so I did some research and found out that the Mirena does not prevent fertilization. Hubby and I were pretty upset about this so I had it immediately removed. We have been practicing NFP ever since but hubby is still wanting a vasectomy. A large part of me doesn’t want anymore children either, because I am so afraid of going through what we went through with our son, again. You know? Also, our house is very small (just two bedrooms) and we do not have the ability to move or build on at this time so more children is just a bad idea right now. ALSO (lol!) we are not made of money! I am SAHM, and we are saving fervently in order to send our kids to the Catholic school, which is not cheap. Another child would pretty much make that dream impossible. I do not have the mindset, discipline or patience to homeschool even though I did seriously consider it.

What troubles me is my husband is such a good man - I don’t think I could handle allowing him to commit a mortal sin in order to maintain our family size. I went to a Priest that I regularly confide in about this, and he basically said that we need to decide what’s best for us to do, that the church does not condone sterilization, but that it is a man made law and so that is something I should consider.

I still can’t help but feel guilt over it.

I would continue with NFP, but am so afraid we’ll mess up and have a surprise pregnancy. I am not so good with my will power, my husband is pretty irresistible 😃 Seriously though, I know myself, and I know I am just not disciplined enough.

Any thoughts with this??? Any special prayers or meditations you can suggest?

Thanks in advance!

ps - I am new to Catholicism, just recently baptized last Easter so please forgive any ignorances on my part. 🙂
 
I am sooo sorry your Priest gave you wrong information! The Church is infallible on matters of Faith and Morals, you know that of course. I will pray for your Priest.

On the matter of not having more children so you can send your kids to Catholic school. Catholic school is a nice dream, but, it is not something we are commanded to do.

Sending kids to public school is not a mortal sin, vasectomy is.

Keep praying, keep reading, God will bless you for being faithful to HIS Church and Her teachings.
 
Hi! I’m a young guy (23) who started dating a non catholic girl about a year ago. When we first started talking about birth control she was shocked that both the Church and I are against it. It seems like the “thing” to do. Well after some research she has become even more pro NFP than me!! Of course we are not married but we both have been learning and reading about NFP together in case we ever get married. She is also coming into the church this April. I would suggest reading this article: catholic.com/thisrock/1998/9804fea1.asp

Remember, that NFP is 99% effective when done right. My sister has also been very pleased with it. Being against contraception is not merely a random thing the Church teaches. It is a fact that it is God created sex both for the procreative act and the love making act. The two are insepparable. That is why homosexual marriage can never work- the Church recognizes that you must have both the biological and the emotional for a relationship to be a true marriage. It is also the reason that the Church grants annullments to any couple who never planned to have children.

I know you said you have already have 2 children, but I don’t think contraception will cure your problems. Also, I realize that your priest said its ok, but priests are human too. I believe that many priests are tired of giving advice in a area that many people disregard. Luckily, the Church as a whole has not gotten tired. Sorry if this came across “preachy” but I firmly believe contraception is not the way to go. Janet Smith has also written a very good article and lecture called “Contraception: Why Not.” It is on Youtube I believe. Also there is a great NFP group on facebook that can give support and advice (lots of smart women).
 
Sorry, one other thing: not all people who practice NFP want or even end up having 5 or 6 kids. This is an unfortunate portrayal and not accurate. NFP can prevent you from ever having any kids or it can prevent you from having 4. The great thing about it is that it is natural and it is BOTH people using it. Its not a woman taking a pill or a guy taking a condom. It is a concious decision from both people to do it which means no one is taking advantage of the other and both are equally valued.
 
I’m not sure what advice you want to hear.

As you have already been told, it is against church teachings.

This is one of those issues that tend to separate the cafeteria Catholics from those that adhere strictly to the rules.

I, and many of my fellow Catholics, have had permanent birth control. Many of us have stories similar to your own. While we would never abort a child, we are willing to take steps that prevents future children. As you can see from speaking with your priest, many clergy also sympathize with this position.

This is something that the two of you need to carefully decide. Vasectomy can sometimes be reversed but not always. You should assume the procedure will be permanent.

I had a vasectomy 7 years ago. No regrets.

Good Luck.

Paul
 
Thank you so much for the quick responses! 1ke, that website was very eye opening! Thank you for that, especially since my husbands “hoses” 😛 are 42 years old!!

I really love the Father who gave me that advice, and I’m just hoping that perhaps I misinterpreted his message to me. He is a devoted Priest and very devoted to the Church. He was my RCIA teacher.

Deadlift, you are a knowledgeable guy! Thank you for your wise words. I wish there were NFP classes around here or something. I have the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and it is what I am basing everything on right now. I know you are right about it’s success rate - if used perfectly. My problem is, I don’t know how perfectly I can hold myself to it!

I think the bottom line is I need to have a heart to heart with dear hubby tonight. Maybe if I got him more involved in the NFP it would be easier to feel comfortable with it.

Deadlift, how do you and your gf stay in sync together? Does she write everything on a calendar for you to see or is it just a normal part of your daily conversations? How do you incorporate that into your daily routine? lol! “Hi honey, how’s your cervical fluid looking today?” 😛
 
Thanks for the compliments! I might have been misleading though because my girlfriend and I aren’t sexually active. Its more of we talk about issues that might come up and talk about the theory. I bought some charting supplies for her a while back, but other than that I don’t help her chart or anything. From my understanding of NFP- the hardest part is getting things back on track after birth.

I would assume that your husband has to be fully on track or it will never work. One of the interesting things about Mother Teresa’s work in the slums of India is that she took illiterate women who knew NOTHING about NFP or cycles and using simple counting, colors, charts, she got them to master NFP. Most of the women said they felt like their husband respected them more too. Because ultimately it is: are we going to make a baby tonight or are we going to abstain because we can’t afford? Not, take this pill and have sex with me we can’t afford another kid (oversimplification I know).

As my sister has said: if it is one of those days when you could get pregnant and you don’t want to, when he gets that look in his eye (her husband), its time to break out the Scrabble board!
 
Peacefulwishes said:
Thank you so much for the quick responses! 1ke, that website was very eye opening! Thank you for that, especially since my husbands “hoses” 😛 are 42 years old!!

I really love the Father who gave me that advice, and I’m just hoping that perhaps I misinterpreted his message to me. He is a devoted Priest and very devoted to the Church. He was my RCIA teacher.

Deadlift, you are a knowledgeable guy! Thank you for your wise words. I wish there were NFP classes around here or something. I have the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and it is what I am basing everything on right now. I know you are right about it’s success rate - if used perfectly. My problem is, I don’t know how perfectly I can hold myself to it!

I think the bottom line is I need to have a heart to heart with dear hubby tonight. Maybe if I got him more involved in the NFP it would be easier to feel comfortable with it.

Deadlift, how do you and your gf stay in sync together? Does she write everything on a calendar for you to see or is it just a normal part of your daily conversations? How do you incorporate that into your daily routine? lol! “Hi honey, how’s your cervical fluid looking today?” 😛
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I had a vasectomy after our second child was born with severe special needs. After that experience and living with it every day, I do not regret it. You have to do what is right for YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND and not what others on these forums say to do. You are not going to care what advice anyone gave you on this site 3 years from now if you have more kids, never wanted them, and find that you are at your wits end either emotionally or financially. I am a new member here but have rapidly come to find out that there are many people here that will quickly condemn by proclaiming its “a mortal sin” and that you will damn your soul for this or that. Do what is right for you and you husband, not what I or any other holier than thou says. Let the criticism and moral outrage begin!!!
 
I’m not condemning anyone. I’m saying what I believe to be correct and moral. At the end of the day though, you can use the argument “make yourself (and your spouse) happy. who cares what anyone else says.” this is a very isolating and relativistic argument to do ANYTHING (including artificial birth control)
 
deadlift750 said:
I’m not condemning anyone. I’m saying what I believe to be correct and moral. At the end of the day though, you can use the argument “make yourself (and your spouse) happy. who cares what anyone else says.” this is a very isolating and relativistic argument to do ANYTHING (including artificial birth control)
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If this was directed to me I don’t think YOU are condemning her and I absolutely respect the decision that is right for you. What I can’t stand are the people who are so quick to dismiss her real concerns simply by saying “no, its a mortal sin” and end it at that. There is a very real “I’m holier than you” feel to many of these posts and I wonder if any of these same people have heard of the sin of pride.
 
God is bigger than your fears and doubts. He has a plan for your family and will not abandon you. While the Church allows for using NFP to postpone children for serious reasons, the reality is that children are a blessing from God, not a curse. They are the means in which God uses to bring about the sanctification of parents. My husband and I struggled for years with Church teaching in this area–trying to understand God’s plan for the family and how we could accept another child into our family. We were fearful of another pregnancy, had plans of our own, wanted to go on vacations without babies… We learned to trust in the Church’s wisdom above our own and to trust in God’s love for us. He is the author of life and He is the one who places the immortal soul in a human baby. He will not give us more than we can handle. Our society is just so selfish and oriented to comfort of self that any hardship including having and raising a bunch of children is not valued or supported. God has been faithful to my husband and I–we have 8 beautiful boys and I would not change that for the world! I would suggest that you and your husband pray together asking for direction in this area of your marriage.
 
tr1strev said:
You have to do what is right for YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND and not what others on these forums say to do.
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Moral relativism is the first step to Hell.

We are called to do what is right, not what is “right for you.” There is only one right and one wrong, and God is the author of that. Not us.
 
Oh how I do understand both of your sentiments!

tr1strev, I agree with you. And don’t be fooled - I am not about to make a decision out of persuasion. One of the pp made the statement that he didn’t know what kind of advice I wanted to hear. Well, the only adjective that come to mind is “good.” The point is, I don’t want this to become a wedge in my conscience. In fact my conscience is very sensitive. I know he won’t go to hell for having a vasectomy, that is absurd. But I don’t want him to do something that God will frown upon, or maybe make his days in Pergutory longer. It’s not fair to him because he really is such a wonderful soul. I am essentially trying to find a way to make a knowledgeable decision - both practically and spiritually.

Maybe what I am asking is for a resource to either clear my conscience of this vasectomy guilt - or a resource that will master us in NFP and help us to overcome our fears of an unwanted pregnancy, in the event that might happen. Did any of that make sense?

Thanks so much to you all for expressing your personal opinions and feelings about this. I welcome them all! 🙂
 
1ke said:
Moral relativism is the first step to Hell.

We are called to do what is right, not what is “right for you.” There is only one right and one wrong, and God is the author of that. Not us.
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What an absolute worthless and cowardly response. You are exactly what I was talking about. So quick to damn to Hell anyone who might differ from you and judge them accordingly. How sinfully full of pride you are. Should she or anyone have children that they cannot afford or even want? Is God going to pay the bills? Are you.
 
Peacefulwishes said:
Oh how I do understand both of your sentiments!

tr1strev, I agree with you. And don’t be fooled - I am not about to make a decision out of persuasion. One of the pp made the statement that he didn’t know what kind of advice I wanted to hear. Well, the only adjective that come to mind is “good.” The point is, I don’t want this to become a wedge in my conscience. In fact my conscience is very sensitive. I know he won’t go to hell for having a vasectomy, that is absurd. But I don’t want him to do something that God will frown upon, or maybe make his days in Pergutory longer. It’s not fair to him because he really is such a wonderful soul. I am essentially trying to find a way to make a knowledgeable decision - both practically and spiritually.

Maybe what I am asking is for a resource to either clear my conscience of this vasectomy guilt - or a resource that will master us in NFP and help us to overcome our fears of an unwanted pregnancy, in the event that might happen. Did any of that make sense?

Thanks so much to you all for expressing your personal opinions and feelings about this. I welcome them all! 🙂
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I do want to point out a vasectomy is grave matter. Therefore **if **it is done with full knowledge and free will it is a mortal sin. Unconfessed mortal sin does in fact lead to hell. So, please don’t be so cavalier regarding this fact. It’s not absurb, actually. I would hope if he did move ahead with it, that one day he would come to regret it and confess it. But, we have to be ready to meet our maker every day.

Regarding vasectomy, contraception, NFP, the website www.omsoul.com has great materials including books by couples who have reversed their sterilizations.
 
tr1strev said:
What an absolute worthless and cowardly response. You are exactly what I was talking about.
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It’s a fact, not an opinion. God demands obedience to his Law.
tr1strev said:
So quick to damn to Hell anyone who might differ from you and judge them accordingly.
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Again, stating a fact. Moral relativism has been condemned by the Church as heretical.

I did not condemn anyone to Hell. I stated that moral relativism is the first step in that direction.
tr1strev said:
How sinfully full of pride you are.
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Not at all. Those coming to a Catholic message board are asking for Catholic answers. Not answers that directly contradict Church teaching. Sterilization is grave matter, and if done witih full knowledge and free will is a mortal sin.
tr1strev said:
Should she or anyone have children that they cannot afford or even want? Is God going to pay the bills? Are you.
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One does not have to transgress the moral law in order to space their children.
 
Pax, with all due respect sir, having a vasectomy does not condemn you to hell. Who has made you to believe that? Why would you think that having a vasectomy is a mortal sin? Lead me to your sources, please! I am intrigued!

It is canon law to abstain from contraception, yes. But Canon law is a law made by MAN. NOT God. Therefor it can not be a mortal sin to refrain from abiding by Canon Law.

Of course if I am wrong I will promptly apologize! Please inform me with your sources.

This may sound silly, but follow along… In Catholicism for Dummies (which is an approved reading material) it clearly outlines causes of mortal sin. I don’t have a copy in front of me but I don’t think that breaking canon law is one of them.
 
1ke said:
It’s a fact, not an opinion. God demands obedience to his Law.

Again, stating a fact. Moral relativism has been condemned by the Church as heretical.

I did not condemn anyone to Hell. I stated that moral relativism is the first step in that direction.

Not at all. Those coming to a Catholic message board are asking for Catholic answers. Not answers that directly contradict Church teaching. Sterilization is grave matter, and if done witih full knowledge and free will is a mortal sin.

One does not have to transgress the moral law in order to space their children.
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Space their children? What if she or anyone simply doesn’t want anymore children? What, like in my case, if I simply did not want another child with such disabilities that it would simply bankrupt me and condemn my other children to poverty if I did so. Should I never have sex again with my wife? Am I going to Hell?
 
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