Help for depression and marriage

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StRoch

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hello, thank you for reading my thread. It’s been a rough week and a half for me and my wife. I’ve really been hit hard by depression and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been married for a little over 3 years to a wonderful, loving, supporting, caring wife who I love very much. I’ve been battling ups and downs pretty much since we started dating 6 years ago and it seems to have gotten a lot worse lately. I go through periods of feeling nervousness, anxiousness and irritability and it makes for a not so fun home life. But then there are times and periods where I feel fine and completely relaxed with her and our home life and it’s like heaven. And I remember a couple years ago after a down period had passed and I was feeling pretty good. I hugged my wife on our couch really hard and prayed to God that I always remember this moment for when I go through a down period again to remind me how good it feels to hold her and feel God’s love that way. She was my first real relationship and the nervousness and worry I felt before we got married I just felt would get ironed out and eventually go away. But it always seems to creep it’s way back in and builds into a monster and I think it’s come to a head in these past few weeks. I often wonder if I should have gotten married in the first place and wonder if those thoughts are always going to poison our marriage.

I want this to work out with all my heart, I just want to be relaxed and enjoy our marriage. There are no real reasons for these feelings, we get a long, we don’t fight much and if we do we try to resolve it right away and put it in perspective, we both work to pay the bills, we both split duties at home. Neither of us are abusive towards each other or talk bad about each other to other people. We respect and trust each other. She loves me so much and is fighting along with me to fix this. She is always encouraging me that it will get better. She prays for me all the time along with her mother who is a great example of a Catholic. I’ve been praying so much as well.

My father has been battling depression for the past 2 years and my aunt (father’s sister) has been bi-polar for a long time so I know it runs in the family so I hope that is it and not that fact that I am married. I’ve always been kind of a moody person and a quiet more introverted type and can point to times in my past where I’ve had some blue periods. But never like this. I also do not have any close friends outside my wife here. My last good friends moved out of state about 4 or 5 months before I started dating my wife. It’s hard for me to make friends and think that may be contributing to the problem too.

I’ve seen 2 doctors about this this past week, one psychiatrist who believes it is a chemical imbalance due to symptoms and family history and prescribed me some medicine and I’ve been taking that for 2 days now. I know it may take a while to find the right amount to work for me, but I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful that it works. I really hope that is it and once that gets better, everything else will fall into place. My father said they really have helped him and he’s been feeling really good lately. I saw another psychologist who is really just trying to work on the issues and finding the root of the problem. I’m not sure I like him though, I’m afraid he’s going to come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t be married and should be on my own to really fix this.

I really, REALLY don’t want my marriage to fall apart, but there’s always a little voice in the back of my head that thinks that may be the only way to break free of these nervous, anxious, depression feelings. I just want some peace, and a happy ending.

Please pray for me.
thank you
 
You’ll be in my prayers… my husband and I have both been through depression/anxiety issues, so I completely understand and sympathize. Continue to cling to your wife and pray together and go to Mass together… you WILL pull through this.

Please continue to follow your doctor’s instructions on the medications - they CAN be a lifesaver (quite literally) for many people. It was an answer to prayers at times when we needed it. Allow it to work, sometimes it can take a few weeks, but be diligent to take it every day and follow your doctor’s instructions (sometimes skipping doses or going on/off the medications can make them not work properly, so listen to your doctor)…

One thing to consider, regarding the psychiatrist you’re not thrilled with - maybe call your local parish or talk to your priest and see if they can recommend a CATHOLIC counselor? Sometimes having that faith background can make ALL the difference in the world.

May God bless you and keep you! Do not be afraid - He will not abandon you!
 
Just sharing my favorite scripture that I turned to often during my depression/anxiety…

Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope.
When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you.
When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me with you, says the LORD, and I will change your lot;
 
thank you very much! It’s comforting to know other’s have gone through this. We continue to go to mass every week, and this weekend we are starting to do an adoration hour so we are going to be praying a lot then. I did speak with my monsenior first before seeing a doctor and he did recommend someone that is also faith based, the only thing is, he isn’t in our heath care plan so it would be over $100 a session, but it might be worth it. thank you again.
 
Also wanted to mention - don’t give yourself too hard of a time over the “source” of whatever is causing your depression/anxiety. *Sometimes *it truly is just a genetic/chemical imbalance - I KNOW both my husband and I each have family ties with the same issues - hey, it’s just how the genes played out! 🤷
Don’t be too hard on yourself… 😉

I think adoration is a beautiful thing to do together! 🙂
 
thank you again. i really hope it is just genetic. because when i’m feeling fine, everything is great, no worries, completely relaxed and beautiful! it’s like a piece of Heaven!
 
Does your wife realize that she really can’t help “make” you happy and isn’t responsible for your moods? It might help your relationship if she knew that. My boyfriend is a depressive and he reminds me of that from time to time when he is down and I am trying too hard.

One thing that he does that I think makes it worse for himself, is that when he is depressed, he tends to stop just living in the present moment. He becomes bogged down being upset about things that happened to him in the past, which he will never be able to change, or with worrying about how things can go wrong in the future. I seriously think it is so important to just live in the present moment and take things as they come. How about you? Do you tend to do this as well?

Myself, it is just really nice that he and I are able to communicate. That he is willing to tell me how he feels and not make it all be my fault. It is what it is. It is a terrible burden for him and for you, but don’t ever feel like it makes you unworthy of marriage. As long as you are willing to get help and be honest with yourself and your wife, you can really make it work.
 
You seem to have two threads on this topic. Check your private messages. I sent you one from a fully recovered (in remission) depression sufferer.
 
yes i have told her that a few times. no one can make someone else completely happy, it’s up to the individual. she definitely tries very hard when i’m not feeling good and i appreciate it, but like you said, it doesn’t always help. i do the same thing and dwell on the past when i was feeling bad before and make myself worse. i just want to relax and live in the moment like you said! when i’m feeling fine that’s no problem. but once those other feelings start creeping in, it can have a snowball effect and become a huge avalanche.
 
Don’t worry, your marriage won’t fall apart. Stay in therapy; take your medication. You can have your life back. My husband was sucessfully treated for depression and it gave him back the life he should have had all along. It took two years and was very painful at times, but it was more than worth it!! :yup:
 
thank you thank you! that is all i want and it makes me feel good to hear that from someone!

thank you to everyone who has prayed for my wife and I and thank you all for the kind words.

God bless you all
:o
 
We all love you and are praying for you. Like everyone else in the thread said, it could be a chemical imbalance.
 
You’re doing all the right things. I just wanted to mention that there are many medications for depression, and not every medicine works for every person. It may take more than one try to get just the right treatment for you. If that is the case, don’t lose hope. There are lots of alternatives, and you’ll soon get the right one.

Betsy
 
I’ll keep you in my prayers. I was depressed at one time too, thankfully I was able to get out of it without harming myself, so I do know where you’re coming from.

Just know that you’ve got people praying for you 🙂

Also, just think of it this way, even if you did leave your wife, there would be other things that would creep up on you. It wouldn’t be a sudden change and you’d be happy. There’s a different issue, not your marriage. So you wouldn’t be fixing the root of the problem with that. Just something to keep in mind. I’m sure that you guys will be able to get through it!
 
I, too, have suffered from depression, and it also runs in my family.

One thing we have learned, which I hope may be helpful to you, is that it’s not just the “bad” stresses that can trigger depression–GOOD stresses, like marriage or a new job or a new child, can knock us off balance and into a worse phase of the depression cycle as well.

It seems weird, but stress is stress and your mind reacts to them all the same, regardless of cause.

Hang in there. If you pay attention to your symptoms and work with your doctor/therapist, you will find the combination of medicine, therapy, and spiritual practice that works for you. (don’t forget about prayer and Mass, and nutrition and exercise–your body and soul need to support your mind!)
 
Going to Adoration really helps. I’ve had anxiety problems and tried going to a therapist but it didn’t work for me (not that it won’t work for you!). But from years of going to Adoration I can say that while my anxieties haven’t disappeared, I know that Jesus is better than any therapist. He hears me and knows me inside and out. This has helped me a lot. I also pray the Divine Mercy chaplet and just saying the words: Jesus I trust in You, helps to calm me down when I’m worked up over something.
One other spiritual thing that helps is praying to the Holy Spirit and asking for His guidance. I hope this helps you.🙂
 
StRoch, please remember that clinical depression is a serious illness that you did not ask for and cannot control. It sounds like you have gone untreated for a long time i.e. years. If you knew someone with diabetes or any other kind of serious illness would you think they should go untreated and somehow get better on their own? I doubt it. Therefore it is great that you are seeing a doctor. I also had serious depression and it was untreated for much too long because I thought I was supposed to be able to manage. It also runs in my dad’s family.

The good news is you can get better, completely better and you will look back and be shocked at how you struggled without any health care for so long. I started on anti-depressants and they changed my life. I now have a steady mood, happiness and no despair. I thought anti-depressants were a bad thing and I resisted taking them because I thought they meant failure. Instead they mean health! Not all medications work the same for everyone but stick with your doctor and keep taking your medication, anti-depressants usually take a few weeks to really have an effect.

Other tips I would pass on are as follows:
a) People with depression often have problems with sleep, either too much or too little. They often go to bed happy and wake up depressed (classic evidence of chemical imbalance). Therefore try and create a schedule (maybe with your wife’s help) and stick to it. Don’t go to bed late, try and go to bed and get up at the same time every day. Routine is your friend.

b) Exercise. Exercise has been proven to have huge positive effects on depression. If you don’t have the ability to go to a gym right now because of your mood try and go for a walk each day at least.

c) Sunlight/daylight. Again light had a big effect on brain chemistry. Make sure you spend time each day outside in the sun or at least daylight. Many of us work inside all day and in the fall/winter we can be living with very little natural daylight.

d) Eat well. Food = Mood. Too much processed food has been linked to depression. Eat a healthy diet and make sure you are taking plenty of B vitamins (especially B12) and Iron which both have a positive effect on mood.

e) Do activities which cheer you up or distract you from your depression temporarily such as go to the movies.

To sum up, try and get up early and go for a walk/run first thing in the daylight! This gets all the right messages to your brain. Then have a healthy breakfast. If any of this is a serious struggle ask your wife to help you. If you can’t do any of it don’t worry - you should gradually start to feel better. If you don’t make sure your doctor knows.

I’ll be praying for your full recovery! God bless you.
 
Me again! Found another page put out by the Rotary Club which has many great tips and ideas when looking for practical help with depression. I was happy to see so many of the things I have picked up over the years on the list with many more other great ideas and resources helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

You cannot heal yourself but as you are on the road to recovery you can add things to your life that help keep you on that road and subtract those that don’t. For example I was recently offered a job unexpectedly - I am currently a stay at home mom with 3 young children. I realized when I prayed about it that I am not ready to be away from my youngest children so long and also I am 90% healthy and want to stay that way. Therefore adding extra stress is not a good idea. I would prefer to be a really healthy mom and bring love and happiness to my family right now. My husband supported my choice either way, I am blessed to have him. The page I linked above talks about reducing stress, being less of a perfectionist and saying “no” when it will add too much stress. That is just what I’m talking about.

Learn to understand who you are and what makes you tick. Listen to your heart and listen to God. Be gentle and kind to yourself. God bless you and your wife.
 
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