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Katie1723
Guest
Excuse me…I dumped him because he ABUSED me. Does THAT meet with your approval?? And where did I say I am “Shacking up”???
~ Kathy ~
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~ Kathy ~
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Quaere_Verum
Guest
Has anybody read How to Change Your Husband? It is really a book for a wife about changing herself. Change yourself first then all else will follow basically.
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cargopilot
Guest
Your post only said “I didn’t like my husband and that is why he is my EX. However, I absolutely LOVE my BF!”
Perhaps you should have used those great big letters below, lest someone think simply “I didn’t like my husband and that is why he is my EX.”
You’re not living with your BF? I thought you have made no secret of that in other posts. If you’re not living with your BF and have never said so, I stand corrected and apologize.
Katie1723:
Perhaps you should have used those great big letters below, lest someone think simply “I didn’t like my husband and that is why he is my EX.”
You’re not living with your BF? I thought you have made no secret of that in other posts. If you’re not living with your BF and have never said so, I stand corrected and apologize.
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Katie1723
Guest
No where does it say I have to explain everything. If you had trouble interpreting what I was saying that is your problem. And you should not assume anything. As to my living arrangements, that too, Sir is none of your business. Only one I need to explain anything to is the Lord…and you are not him.
~ Kathy ~
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Prodigal_Son
Guest
To return to the subject at hand…
Trista, it seems to me that you and your husband need a little catharsis.
Catharsis: A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit (AHD).
You need to be open, truly open, with him. The title of this thread is clever and amusing, but (I suspect) somewhat untrue. Most likely, you like your husband, but you don’t like the man your husband has become. The advice people have given regarding forbearance is good. But a more rewarding option, in my opinion, is to confront the problem.
That mean, first of all, to stop complaining. Never complain to him. Period. Complaining takes all the real emotions within us, and expresses them in a trivial way. You don’t just “want to be able to talk with him.” You want him to be human to you, to open himself up to you, to let you love him, and to love you in return.
Don’t complain. Confront.
I can’t tell you how to do this, of course. But it should involve ALL of you, the real you. You should feel naked and vulnerable through the words you choose, and you should confront him with his own nakedness and vulnerability. If this is a marriage, it needs to be real; otherwise, you probably will continue to grow further apart and alienated.
Of course, he has the choice to reject you, or to avoid you. But you need the courage to risk that rejection, to lay your life on the line (as Jesus did).
You can’t make yourself like him. And you can’t make him love you.
But you can love him, with real confrontational love. And see what develops.
God bless you!
: Prodigal :
Trista, it seems to me that you and your husband need a little catharsis.
Catharsis: A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit (AHD).
You need to be open, truly open, with him. The title of this thread is clever and amusing, but (I suspect) somewhat untrue. Most likely, you like your husband, but you don’t like the man your husband has become. The advice people have given regarding forbearance is good. But a more rewarding option, in my opinion, is to confront the problem.
That mean, first of all, to stop complaining. Never complain to him. Period. Complaining takes all the real emotions within us, and expresses them in a trivial way. You don’t just “want to be able to talk with him.” You want him to be human to you, to open himself up to you, to let you love him, and to love you in return.
Don’t complain. Confront.
I can’t tell you how to do this, of course. But it should involve ALL of you, the real you. You should feel naked and vulnerable through the words you choose, and you should confront him with his own nakedness and vulnerability. If this is a marriage, it needs to be real; otherwise, you probably will continue to grow further apart and alienated.
Of course, he has the choice to reject you, or to avoid you. But you need the courage to risk that rejection, to lay your life on the line (as Jesus did).
You can’t make yourself like him. And you can’t make him love you.
But you can love him, with real confrontational love. And see what develops.
God bless you!
: Prodigal :
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Quaere_Verum
Guest
This is an interesting reply and different from the rest. There’s a question that comes to mind here. What if he doesn’t like confrontation? What if this is part of the problem? This might make things worse.
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soccerDad
Guest
Trista,
I am experiencing a similar thing in a very different way. I am the husband. My wife lost interest in me, but I am still needed as a father, and a paycheck. She is a very busy woman. I cannot catch up to her very often. She resents me trying to slow down her schedule. She is up at 4am, and asleep or working in the evening.
There is a little joke men share with eachother over the doughnuts after mass. In our thirties, after we’ve had kids, men become superfluous, almost unnecessary. It’s a quip, like the praying mantis mating ritual, but there is a kernel of truth. Our wives cut their hair short, lose the sexy dresses, spend their time with their friends and kids, ask for bigger houses, and bigger cars, and private schools, and then wonder why their husbands are still at work. My wife went to school and works also, which has magnified the disconnection.
I’ve tried confrontation. I’ve given up. My wife drags out all the old resentments, no matter how trivial, says she doesn’t feel loved enough (every woman’s trump card - notice it can be applied to anyone, no matter how loving or not), and I come away feeling I’ve been through the shredder. The words really don’t matter anymore -good or bad. There is the din of aired differences or expectations, and the exhausted lull, and a resumption of the schedule.
What does work, I’m learning; pray, let go, give the hard feelings to Jesus. Go be in the same room with your spouse, even if they ignore you, or fall asleep. Bank time. Pray for them to come around. Try to schedule a date. Build on little kindnesses, no strings attached.
Catholic Marriage
Work in progress
I am experiencing a similar thing in a very different way. I am the husband. My wife lost interest in me, but I am still needed as a father, and a paycheck. She is a very busy woman. I cannot catch up to her very often. She resents me trying to slow down her schedule. She is up at 4am, and asleep or working in the evening.
There is a little joke men share with eachother over the doughnuts after mass. In our thirties, after we’ve had kids, men become superfluous, almost unnecessary. It’s a quip, like the praying mantis mating ritual, but there is a kernel of truth. Our wives cut their hair short, lose the sexy dresses, spend their time with their friends and kids, ask for bigger houses, and bigger cars, and private schools, and then wonder why their husbands are still at work. My wife went to school and works also, which has magnified the disconnection.
I’ve tried confrontation. I’ve given up. My wife drags out all the old resentments, no matter how trivial, says she doesn’t feel loved enough (every woman’s trump card - notice it can be applied to anyone, no matter how loving or not), and I come away feeling I’ve been through the shredder. The words really don’t matter anymore -good or bad. There is the din of aired differences or expectations, and the exhausted lull, and a resumption of the schedule.
What does work, I’m learning; pray, let go, give the hard feelings to Jesus. Go be in the same room with your spouse, even if they ignore you, or fall asleep. Bank time. Pray for them to come around. Try to schedule a date. Build on little kindnesses, no strings attached.
Catholic Marriage
Work in progress
R
rayne89
Guest
Have you tried Marriage Encounter. They have word for what your wife is doing is called “married single.” I commend you for sticking by your wife despite being hurt by her seemingly lack of interest in making time for you in her overly busy life.I am a married woman in my 30’s and while none of what you mentioned is an issue in my own marriage -I do see similar behavior around me. (Ok I have cut my hair recently but that’s because I’m on meds that’s making it fall out - trust me I loved my long hair.) Ok well maybe the sexy dress thing too but I’m not a size 5 anymore so I feel less comfortable in them. (Unless I don’t have to wear them out of the house
)I don’t think it happens to just men though. Guys veg out and watch football or spend hours infront of the computer, get a gut -golf, bowl on weekend when they could be spending time with their families. There are guys that at my hubby’s work that want to work overtime on the weekends so they can avoid being at home with their families. These are the same guys that also complain they’re not getting any sex either. Hmmm…
Personally the gut thing doesn’t bother me but I’m comparing it to the short hair and lack of sexy dresses.
If you can get your wife to pencil in a marriage encounter weekend for the two of you into her busy schedule I really feel it would be very helpful. May God bless you and I will keep you both in my prayers.
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aterrell
Guest
Soccer Dad… PLEASE read Love and Respect and try to get your wife to read it too!! It’s not just every woman’s trump card–it is a legitimate feeling of not being loved. Which is probably a result of you not being respected in the marriage. It is a cycle. Read about it in the book!!!
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kage_ar
Guest
Short hair means a wife does not love her husband? Really, that is a joke - right?
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Missy_Gal
Guest
This is an old thread, but I stumbled upon it while looking for some encouragement. Siena’s post is excellent. I’ve been married for 30+ years, we have a lot of children (trying to protect my identify a little by not giving exact numbers) and they all have grown up to be zealous Catholics. One is a professed religious sister in full habit, another entered another order last year. We have children that are happily married to faithful/wonderfully Catholic spouses, and two still at home. My marriage is as described by the OP and Siena. It is extremely painful to be married to a man that doesn’t know what cherish means, refuses to go to marriage counseling or marriage encounter, has no interest in his wife (my own husband just started holding the door open for me at church because another man scolded him when he walked through and let it close in my face. That type of treatment is common and asking for more respect doesn’t change things because he lives in his own world.)
There are men that are nice and friendly and seem like ideal husbands to others, but they are totally oblivious to their wife as an individual. They provide her with no sense of her own dignity and she has to maintain that on her own. Talking it over with the husband does nothing. Serving them and being loving wives changes nothing. To survive and not go crazy, you do have to spend your time in love with Christ in Blessed Sacrament. Hours and hours of adoration and prayer when it doesn’t take you away from your husband and children. There can be no expectations. Being in this kind of marriage can be a gift because it forces one to really love others for love of God, but it is painful because you really can’t discuss it with others and if you attempt to do that, they won’t understand unless they are in the same situation.
I wonder how the OP and Siena are doing. I’ve replied here for any other women who come along wondering if they can stay married and sane. You can do it and your children will be fine, maybe even more generous because as they get older they will see the truth and the charity even if you never mention it.
There are men that are nice and friendly and seem like ideal husbands to others, but they are totally oblivious to their wife as an individual. They provide her with no sense of her own dignity and she has to maintain that on her own. Talking it over with the husband does nothing. Serving them and being loving wives changes nothing. To survive and not go crazy, you do have to spend your time in love with Christ in Blessed Sacrament. Hours and hours of adoration and prayer when it doesn’t take you away from your husband and children. There can be no expectations. Being in this kind of marriage can be a gift because it forces one to really love others for love of God, but it is painful because you really can’t discuss it with others and if you attempt to do that, they won’t understand unless they are in the same situation.
I wonder how the OP and Siena are doing. I’ve replied here for any other women who come along wondering if they can stay married and sane. You can do it and your children will be fine, maybe even more generous because as they get older they will see the truth and the charity even if you never mention it.
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