Help! I know I'm called to marriage but i'm aging and my partner is far from ready!

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professional help, you mean therapists and such? i’ve already commented about therapists here, perhaps you havent got to that post yet, thats fine. but i have a problem with therapists. one of the problems being that they immediately suggest getting rid of the guy, everything is toxic for them, mortification is toxic for them, charity also. Anything founded in christ’s truth that involves giving up of yourself, suffering for god or another person, they will consider problematic.
 
interesting what you said about interventions. he did take them more seriously when they were still new.
 
the way i’ve set boundaries is i have just shown in action that i am continuing forward and moving further away from him in physical contact and dependency, while he goes on with his faults. i feel showing in behavior that i’m serious is more effective.
 
thank you all so much for taking the time to continue with this conversation. i really appreciate all of your advice.
 
Sounds like you need to kick him to the curb. He does not sound like marriage material from this post.
 
i will, i promise i’ll be as accurate and honest as i can about myself and the problem.
 
i never tell a lie. i’m always honest. maybe the only time i lie is to myself about what’s going on…it seems.
 
Misan said:
professional help, you mean therapists and such? i’ve already commented about therapists here, perhaps you havent got to that post yet, thats fine. but i have a problem with therapists. one of the problems being that they immediately suggest getting rid of the guy, everything is toxic for them, mortification is toxic for them, charity also. Anything founded in christ’s truth that involves giving up of yourself, suffering for god or another person, they will consider problematic.
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There was an interesting book that did the rounds years back that we all read as newly weds called “Boundaries” by Dr Henry Cloud. It is considered the bible for co dependant and toxic relationship issues. Try and get a copy of ebay a little cheaper. It’s still considered very good.
 
yes, actually i do, based on how he is/has been, how whenever he gets any gift or any money, he gives it all to me, he gives consoling supportive words and compliments, lifts up my spirit, takes care of me, comforts and helps me when i’m broken down, deals with crisis conflicts really well, works it out, discusses it etc. but financially as in taking a job, keeping it, making sure there’s always money without taking major loans, i’m not sure.
 
i’ve lived with him already as a married couple but without actually being married (5 months total we were under same roof, gf boyfriend before we knew it was wrong) so i’ve seen all his sides and know all the skeletons in his closet.
 
You reach a certain age and you start to see a bunch of marriages gone bad because one of the partners (often, not always, the woman) married a romantic fantasy, not the real person. Be very careful to actually see reality here.
 
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we’ve only been through hard times, with my honor violence/christian persecution crisis, how he had to take me in and get me help, and lots of other things, and how our love stayed fixed and growing despite all the problems with poverty, moving from town to town, my helplessness etc. so i’m sure we can sail through any time. it’s his lack of willingness to pick up his daily cross that worries me
 
he has done what’s best for me in my spiritual and physical life, encouraged me to good, etc, done many such gestures where he shows its about my best, but he is lacking the will to lift his finger to “sweat”.
 
the ironic thing is, he’s the one who’s had 4 different jobs in his life, and finished his military draft, and began (but unfortunately had to cancel due to injury) an extended draft for serving in the national defence, and even got more than one driving licence. I’m the one who hasn’t had a single job, haven’t finished my degree… yet somehow still i have the tenacity, the willingness to suffer, like a …i don’t know, like a beaver.
 
the guy’s spirit is broken, has been broken since he got some issues in his early 20s, and he still hasn’t recovered from it, and i’ve known that, what he is really capable of just looking at his resume, and seen his talents and competence, that i’ve wanted to wait in the hopes that perhaps by the time we reach god, he might be infused with that strength and courage to take that first step to carrying his daily cross
 
Misan said:
the ironic thing is, he’s the one who’s had 4 different jobs in his life, and finished his military draft, and began (but unfortunately had to cancel due to injury) an extended draft for serving in the national defence, and even got more than one driving licence. I’m the one who hasn’t had a single job, haven’t finished my degree… yet somehow still i have the tenacity, the willingness to suffer, like a …i don’t know, like a beaver.
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If the ‘drug’ he is smoking is cannabis, you’re always going to be carrying a dead weight. That’s the long and short of it.
 
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