Help please!

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startingover222

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I’m dating a divorced dad of 2. For about 4 months. He has shown signs of being selfish. But today it was worse. I’m wondering if this is normal.

I was in a car accident. I texted him and told him. He replied and asked if I was okay. I said yes but said the damage was bad and we were shaken up. He never called. Just texted a few times asking if I was okay… But never called. Said he was with his kids.

Should I expect more?
 
Just want to point out first, that if you are Catholic and he is divorced without an annulment, you are not supposed to date him according to Church teaching (he is still married in the eyes of the Church). That aside, this doesn’t seem too far off to me. Maybe he should have called (even if it was a short call), but he didn’t ignore the issue and he texted you to see if you were okay. You can’t expect other’s to react the way you would. He probably saw texting as sufficient (he knew that you were okay and not harmed) and to add to it, he was spending time with his children (which as a divorced parent it can be limited time you can spend with your children so that little time is precious) so he probably did not want to be rude or ignore them. Right now the two of you are not married and his kids should come before you.

Also now-a-days many see texting as plenty sufficient way of communicating with other’s in most all situations. It is a growing cultural belief that it is fine to discuss major issues via text. Nothing wrong with that per se, and I don’t take offense even though I call for major things.
 
Thank you. I think I am just seeing a trend. I recently had to have medical tests and he didn’t attend or even call me before my tests. I texted him After and told him I was okay and he just texted … “great news. What a relief”. He said he was “there for me” but never asked me about it. Just seeing. Theme…
 
Also you can’t text him and expect a call back. Generally when someone text’s me I see it as a sign that it is appropriate to answer a text with another text. If it isn’t important enough to you to call him about it, then why should he have to call you about it? It seems you are setting a double standard and expecting him to react how you would. Again, you can’t expect him to react the way you would. I really don’t see what he is doing as selfish at all with the information you have given.

P.S. My husband doesn’t attend any of my doctor’s visits even when I am getting tests. I don’t expect him to either. I don’t attend his doctor visits either. We tell each other results afterwards, but that is it.
 
Metropolis said:
P.S. My husband doesn’t attend any of my doctor’s visits even when I am getting tests. I don’t expect him to either. I don’t attend his doctor visits either. We tell each other results afterwards, but that is it.
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Why not? FH and I have never missed any of each other’s doctor appointments since we’ve met. Would you go if it was something serious?
 
startingover222 said:
Thank you. I think I am just seeing a trend. I recently had to have medical tests and he didn’t attend or even call me before my tests. I texted him After and told him I was okay and he just texted … “great news. What a relief”. He said he was “there for me” but never asked me about it. Just seeing. Theme…
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I got in an accident once, and my boyfriend asked how the car was and forgot to ask how I was. I got pretty angry about that. He apologized. We’ve been married over 20 years. He is a devoted husband, but he doesn’t hover. I don’t think our marriage would have worked, if I had expected that.

You are going to make accommodations to whatever person you marry, but in the best case they will not be accommodations that tie you into a knot. You won’t feel as if you’ve sold yourself down the river. If his idea of “there” for you and yours do not match to the point that it is a red flag for you, then consider it a red flag. Don’t try to give an adult a make-over. You don’t re-make his or her idea of what kind of and what level of “maintenance” is appropriate, insufficient, or suffocating. Go with what you are, and let him find someone who will be happy with what he is. If that is you, great, and if not, well, you’ll each need to keep looking, but everyone will be happier in the end that if you try to shove a square peg into a round hole.

And hey, he’s divorced. Sometimes, there is a reason for that. 🤷
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Why not? FH and I have never missed any of each other’s doctor appointments since we’ve met. Would you go if it was something serious?
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Why not? Why would I? I was navigating doctor’s appointments without anyone to help me since long before I met him. I hope to be able to manage my own until my memory or driving ability give out.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Why not? FH and I have never missed any of each other’s doctor appointments since we’ve met. Would you go if it was something serious?
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I can understand going if it is life threatening but otherwise neither of us would see any reason to accompany the other. Do you work? You both take off? Do you do same when the kids have to go to the doctor?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Why not? FH and I have never missed any of each other’s doctor appointments since we’ve met. Would you go if it was something serious?
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Because he doesn’t need to be there and I have been going by myself to the doctors for many years. It never occurred to me that adults had their SO go with them to doctor’s appointments that weren’t for something really serious (like pregnancy problems, heart problems, surgeries, ect.) . Also most of my appointments are when he is working and his appointments are when I am at school or we have other things that need to get done. We can’t take off of our busy schedule just because our spouse has a doctor’s appointment. If it was something really serious like when my husband had to have oral surgery I went with him and took him home. I have never had a boyfriend come with me to a doctor’s appointment or even a friend or family member since I have been an adult. It seems strange to me that people do that. I figure I am an adult, I am plenty able to handle going in, checking in, talking to the doctor about whatever the issue is and leaving without anyone there.
 
I’m ashamed to admit that my boyfriend made a pretty big mistake early on. We were very drawn to each other early on and I ended up giving him oral sex. After I did that… A few days later… He texted me and told me he needed to tell me (before actual sex) that he had herpes. I ended up getting ORAL herpes too. And he was kind of hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with him out of fear of contracting it. I ended up having sex … And asked to use a condom. He didn’t want to because he said he loses sensitivity with a condom.

So… I kind of feel he’s pretty selfish…
 
OP- Also you can’t expect your bf to live up to your expectations if you don’t tell him what they are. Guys don’t work that way. One thing I have learned about being married is that I have to tell my husband exactly what is expected of him with certain tasks and in certain situations. It isn’t that he doesn’t care or isn’t trying, it just never occurs to him that I wanted him to do certain things.

If it bothers you that he doesn’t call in those certain situations, tell him that you would like him to call in situations like your tests at the doctors or about your accident. He probably thought the text messages were enough and never occurred to him that you would want him to call you instead of just text you back.
 
As a father, his responsibilities are first for his children. Please don’t call that selfish. He knew you were ok. You might want to ask yourself if you wish to be 2nd to the children. Also, a divorced man is not free to marry a Catholic woman. You might like to look more deeply into that situation before really becoming involved and ‘can’t live without him’. It might be that you would have to leave the Church to marry him, and it would be good to know that now.
 
I’m ashamed to admit that my boyfriend made a pretty big mistake early on. We were very drawn to each other early on and I ended up giving him oral sex. After I did that… A few days later… He texted me and told me he needed to tell me (before actual sex) that he had herpes. I ended up getting ORAL herpes too. And he was kind of hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with him out of fear of contracting it. I ended up having sex … And asked to use a condom. He didn’t want to because he said he loses sensitivity with a condom.

So… I kind of feel he’s pretty selfish…
 
startingover222 said:
I’m ashamed to admit that my boyfriend made a pretty big mistake early on. We were very drawn to each other early on and I ended up giving him oral sex. After I did that… A few days later… He texted me and told me he needed to tell me (before actual sex) that he had herpes. I ended up getting ORAL herpes too. And he was kind of hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with him out of fear of contracting it. I ended up having sex … And asked to use a condom. He didn’t want to because he said he loses sensitivity with a condom.

So… I kind of feel he’s pretty selfish…
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He knew he had herpes and didn’t tell you? Drop him. You probably can pass it on to others so get yourself treated. This is not someone you want in your life. I think you know this otherwise you wouldn’t have shared this experience with us.

You are intimate with a divorced man (what were the reasons for the divorce?), who already has kids, plays around and gets and gives sexually transmitted diseases, and doesn’t call you after you’ve been in an accident. And this is the romantic period of the relationship. Find the door.
 
startingover222 said:
I’m ashamed to admit that my boyfriend made a pretty big mistake early on. We were very drawn to each other early on and I ended up giving him oral sex. After I did that… A few days later… He texted me and told me he needed to tell me (before actual sex) that he had herpes. I ended up getting ORAL herpes too. And he was kind of hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with him out of fear of contracting it. I ended up having sex … And asked to use a condom. He didn’t want to because he said he loses sensitivity with a condom.

So… I kind of feel he’s pretty selfish…
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See, that is selfish and frankly really out of line. I would have broken up with him right away. You shouldn’t be with this guy if he would endanger your health like this. If you are a Catholic you shouldn’t be dating a divorced man and as a person you shouldn’t date a person who would endanger your health just so he doesn’t “loose sensitivity”. This is a good reason not to date him anymore. The other reasons weren’t serious, but this one is.

p.s. You can pass on your oral herpes by kissing and you can give other people genital herpes now if you perform oral sex on them.
 
YES. You should expect more.
He didn’t phone you? That’s a drop in the bucket compared to giving you HERPES.
Wake up and shake yourself.
You may have contracted genital herpes as well. The only safe sex is no sex.

You are in mortal sin. Please do not go up for communion until you have gone to confession and resolve not to sin with this man further. Please continue to go to Mass, hear the readings and listen to the homily. God loves you and has better in store for you, just come back to Him who gave his life for you so you can walk in blessing!
 
I know that he was embarrassed about having it… And said he is on oral medication. He said he got it from his wife when they were dating. She had a cold sore… And gave it to him during oral.

He really didn’t think there was a chance I could catch it…, but reading up on it… I don’t think that is necessarily true. He said he felt as if I was looking down on him when I told him no sex… Unless we were together forever. He then said a lot of people have it and don’t disclose… Essentially telling me I should be grateful he told me.

I think that’s why I didn’t end it., I felt that he was a good guy deep down. But I very scared I contracted it.
 
startingover222 said:
I know that he was embarrassed about having it… And said he is on oral medication. He said he got it from his wife when they were dating. She had a cold sore… And gave it to him during oral.

He really didn’t think there was a chance I could catch it…, but reading up on it… I don’t think that is necessarily true. He said he felt as if I was looking down on him when I told him no sex… Unless we were together forever. He then said a lot of people have it and don’t disclose… Essentially telling me I should be grateful he told me.

I think that’s why I didn’t end it., I felt that he was a good guy deep down. But I very scared I contracted it.
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If you have that sort of thing you can still give it to others while on medication. Even if he was on oral medication or whatever it is incredibly selfish and wrong not to disclose an STD before having any sort of sexual relations with someone. Some do not disclose, but everyone should. The point is he was selfish and just wanted to get what he wanted and didn’t want to risk you saying no. He put you at risk. A good guy doesn’t put your health at risk (especially when it is something that you will have for the rest of your life) without telling you first. That is taking away your informed consent.

You need to end it and end it now. One more thing, you said earlier you had oral herpes but that last sentence sounds like you are unsure. If you aren’t sure, get tested and get on medication and don’t do to anyone else what he did to you.
 
Sounds like you are trying to fill your need for intimacy with someone who doesn’t want to be intimate (in the emotional sense). You can be with a “good guy” and not have your needs met.
 
Well his kids come first and I certainly don’t disput that. I haven’t met them yet., and because of that there are weeks with them… And work … We can’t see each other more than once or so. It’s not easy to be in a relationship with someone like that.

As for the herpes… I got a cold site right away. I know I got THAT. However I don’t know about genital. That’s what I’m concerned about.
 
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