Help please!

[DexUK]

How to end it?

TheRealJuliane has all the reasons you need to tell him.

Ring him, tell him those reasons, tell him it’s over and that you’re not going to talk about it or discuss it. And then put the phone down. And then book a doctor’s appointment to have a full STI check.

I don’t know if you have a brother, but if I had a sister who had been treated the way you have been treated, if I got to find out about it, you’d have to tie me down otherwise I’d be extremely likely to go and give the guy a piece of my mind.

The guy has stolen your honour, used it, abused, trampled on it, jumped up and down on it and tossed it in the trash. If he were typical of men, it would make me ashamed to be one. You are worth more than him. I wouldn’t let him within 100 miles of you ever again if it were within my power.

 

[PaulinVA]

I have been married for almost thirty years, so I haven’t broken up with anyone for a very long time, but I’ll give it a try:

“You are using me. You do not respect me. You are an idiot. Goodbye”.

You don’t owe him a long involved reason. He knows. Maybe quote Taylor Swift if you want.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I wouldn’t be surprised if after 3 kids he went and got sterilized. You can be sure if you wanted a child, he’d keep getting sterilized very quiet.

 

[startingover222]

Yes. He has had a vasectomy. But told me he could get it reversed. And that is true…

But you know…I started the relationship thinking that I wanted to find love first… And then worry about a child. So that had been my M.O.

I have a friend who I told about the herpes thing… And she said just be glad he told you… I had been hanging on to that until getting the wise feedback from this forum.

I guess his treatment is far from kind to me… He could at least insist on using a condom … If he cared. You are right.

 

[maryjk]

I think this is an excellent point. And I think this is what I’m going to say to him. I’m going to tell him I’ve decided I need to take a step back from intimacy until he’s ready to introduce me to his kids. And I think that will produce his true feelings and expectations.

So after he introduces you, you will be willing to have sex with him? Really? Marriage isn’t important, just meeting his children.

He is not divorced.
He has herpes.
He gave you oral herpes because he didn’t tell you he has herpes.
He has children.
He has an ex-wife who will be in his life at least until his children are grown up.
He has given you a line about how he doesn’t have money so you pay for dinner.
He doesn’t take you out very much.

Ahem.

HE IS USING YOU FOR SEX. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t love you, and YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN BEING USED.

Even prostitutes get paid.

Sorry to be blunt but I had to try and get through to you.

OP, wake up. You are being used, and somehow you are even paying for the pleasure of it.

 

[Metropolis]

He has been the opposite of kind and respectful. You need to break up and I agree that you need to do your best to keep it short and not let him try to convince you otherwise. Tell him that you can’t keep on making excuses for his bad behavior and dating him. He has put you in harms way on multiple occasions, has shown a lack of respect, and is still married to someone else (not divorced yet). As a Catholic and a woman you cannot stay in the relationship any longer. He will be mad and try to turn things around on you or make you look like the bad guy. If he does that I would hang up on him. Don’t answer his phone calls or texts, block him on facebook/twitter, and cut off all contact.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

All of what you wrote above is true… However just when I get it in my head that he is a complete user… He changes. Yesterday, he asked me to go to lunch… And talked about Joel olsteen and all the great things God has brought into his life… He didn’t list ME off… But still you get the picture. His kids were home so he couldn’t push for sex… And it was a nice lunch. He paid…

Maybe I was too extreme with my judgement. But then again… Considering the herpes… I probably shouldn’t even care…

Once more…

YOU ARE BEING USED!

So your price is a lunch date.

Really?? You’re pretty cheap.

HE GAVE YOU HERPES. You’re not even sure you don’t have genital herpes. Have you been tested for it yet?

He says he’s had a vasectomy. HE SAYS.

This thread just grosses me out. I really can’t believe that any woman would sell herself for a lunch date. That is what you are doing, and it makes me sad, and sick.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I have a friend who I told about the herpes thing… And she said just be glad he told you.…
I guess his treatment is far from kind to me… He could at least insist on using a condom … If he cared. You are right.

Just be glad he told you. Why is that said like he’s showing some kind of virtue?
What a pathetic thing to say. Really. Why didn’t he say something before you were intimate? Saying it after he’s caught is useless. It only shows he knew about the STD before hand and did nothing.

Some friend. She should have said Shame on him! Men like that will never enter the kingdom of Heaven unless they change their lives.

If you had fear of God, you would run from this man. The wisdom of God will keep you safe and never let you down. Why have you turned away from Him and His love?

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes. He has had a vasectomy. But told me he could get it reversed. And that is true…

He doesn’t know that…and talk about a situation where you could get the “second thought” bait-and-switch!!

But you know…I started the relationship thinking that I wanted to find love first… And then worry about a child. So that had been my M.O.

I have a friend who I told about the herpes thing… And she said just be glad he told you… I had been hanging on to that until getting the wise feedback from this forum.

I guess his treatment is far from kind to me… He could at least insist on using a condom … If he cared. You are right.

Find someone who actually has the same values as you do, not totally different values and a haphazard way of actually living them. You can’t retrain adults, and it is not fair to them to try.

 

[startingover222]

I need some support to stay strong… I have had more bad news in my life. I found out that I may be laid off… It’s devestating because I have a very good career

Not to mention… I told him about it… And the very next day… He only texted a few times … And just said “keep your chin up”. He was busy with work… But never found a moment to call.

It is further proof that he doesn’t care about my well being.
Help me stay strong,.,

 

[Warandpeace]

If you’re serious about starting over then letting go of your old life is a step in the right direction.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I need some support to stay strong… I have had more bad news in my life. I found out that I may be laid off… It’s devestating because I have a very good career

Not to mention… I told him about it… And the very next day… He only texted a few times … And just said “keep your chin up”. He was busy with work… But never found a moment to call.
**
It is further proof that he doesn’t care about my well being. **
Help me stay strong,.,

Get angry about this, not sad. This is a man who gave you herpes, remember? What made you think that he would be all sympathetic if you are in danger of losing your job? He didn’t care enough about you to inform you of a DISEASE that he carries.

You can get mad at yourself for accepting such rotten conditions. Just don’t bother calling or texting him any more. Use that energy to help YOURSELF and start looking for another job.

Are you looking for a father figure?

 

[startingover222]

Yes… I believe I am. You are perceptive. I suppose it’s easier for someone objective to see my mistakes. What are my clues?

 

[VivienneJ]

Startingover, most of what you write makes me wonder if you’re “dating” the “guy” I dated for more years than was sensible around 8 years ago. (Except for the STD and the not divorced yet, sounds like the same man.) Of course I know the fellow I knew is on a different continent from you, so there are more like him out there.

While I absolutely knew he was messing me around; messing with my emotions and manipulating me; I, like you just could not break free from the manipulation. However, when shedding bitter tears, on way too many occasions, I did have a sneaking thought what I would tell any friend of mine who was involved with someone who was treating her the way I was being treated.

If you can’t see what he is doing to you and free yourself from this cycle; and if you persist in thinking that all those giving you advice are so amazingly perceptive because they are looking at your situation from the outside; what you need to do is to imagine that a very close friend confides to you that she is in this “relationship” that is exactly the one you are in. Now what advice will you give your friend?

From someone who was where you are: Run, girl, run - I should have and I still regret it - even after confession and absolution.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes… I believe I am. You are perceptive. I suppose it’s easier for someone objective to see my mistakes. What are my clues?

You can find a counselor to help you decide if you have a pattern of bad decision-making or if you have a blind spot that has lead you through a series of relationships that didn’t work out. Maybe yes, maybe no, but either way this is a dead-end relationship. You’ve seen that this fellow isn’t good for you, so start for now by breaking up with him. Getting that weight off of your shoulders will almost certainly clear your vision and your thinking.

You don’t need a reason to say “this isn’t working for me,” because you aren’t trying to fix the relationship. It certainly isn’t your job to fix him! He doesn’t deserve to have you say “it wasn’t you” and you don’t need excuses or arguments from him about what isn’t working. Just don’t go there.

You just need to say, “Sorry, this isn’t working for me. I don’t feel a need to discuss it because I don’t feel we have any mutual commitment here at all. You don’t have an investment here, and so you don’t really need any reasons from me. Goodbye.” And if he says, “What? You’re not going to tell me what I did wrong? What do you mean, I have no investment in you?” You can say, “Listen. I’m not trying to fix our relationship and I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t want you to come up with ways to get me to stay. I don’t want to give you a laundry list of grievances. I just want out. We are to the point that my needs are besides the point, because I’m not interested in making this work. I’m done. Let your next girlfriend tell you what she needs.” And then you block correspondence coming from him and cut off communication coming from him. If he wants to identify his own faults, he can get that work done on his own.

 

[Evania]

You can find a great man. They are out there. This guy seems like a real piece of work. Respect yourself, and show him the door.

 

[HoosMommie]

I’m ashamed to admit that my boyfriend made a pretty big mistake early on. We were very drawn to each other early on and I ended up giving him oral sex. After I did that… A few days later… He texted me and told me he needed to tell me (before actual sex) that he had herpes. I ended up getting ORAL herpes too. And he was kind of hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with him out of fear of contracting it. I ended up having sex … And asked to use a condom. He didn’t want to because he said he loses sensitivity with a condom.

So… I kind of feel he’s pretty selfish…

And you’re staying with this man because . . . ?

 

[Jane42]

I would say that this man is not a good match for you. Sounds like you need somone more nurturing and protective. I was involved with someone for quite a long time and kept trying to excuse his selfishness. I was involved in an accident serious enough to send me to hospital, just for a day, and his sister and brother-in-law (who were friends of mine) came to the hospital but he didn’t. The final straw was when I phoned and told him my father had terminal cancer, and his reply was “When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping”. Needless to say I ended the relationship at that point, but had wasted a very long time on it. If this man is so unconcerned about you at the beginning of a relationship I can’t imagine what he would be like further down the road. You deserve better.