Help with baggage from the past

[vluvski]

I’m looking for some advice on really, truly letting go of baggage from past “sexual encounters.”
Both my fiance and I decided to learn about mutual masturbation the hard way. He seems to be dealing with it relatively well, and doesn’t really have any ill feelings toward my ex or his.
I don’t struggle so much with my ex, but depending on the day I absolutely, positively would like to do awful things to his ex. Sometimes, like now, I’m pretty complacent about it and feel like I can forgive and forget for the most part, but other times, like last night, I would prefer to take it outside and tell her exactly what I think of her. First with my fist, then with my tongue, and possibly even with bodily excrements. I know this is terribly immature, but I really don’t like this girl.
I have tried contacting her to get some closure, I guess- bad idea. You know, if my ex boyfriend’s new interest ever was crazy enough to contact me because she was hung up on anything we did, my first and probably only response would be to offer my deepest, most sincere apology for my part in it. This girl did no such thing (it was pretty ugly), and I’m having a very hard time forgiving her for something for which she accepts or expresses no responsibility or regret.
HELP please and thank you!

 

[Siena]

v-

Don’t worry about her. Pray for her. I pray for my ex boyfriend occasionally, (we had sex ), and I pray that he found a nice girl, is happily married, and that he will go to heaven. There is nothing you can do to “make” her feel bad, if she is decieved about the culture we live in. Pray that she will have a conversion of heart. Confrontation will not do this.

Be grateful if your fiance has repented of this past life. To this day, my spouse has not repented of his sexual encounters. It can be a source of pain for me (when I think about it), as he does not understand how and why it was wrong. I have forgiven him for this (in my heart), and asked forgiveness of him for not saving myself for him. He did not accept it, b/c he said it was something that helped make me who I am, so nothing to be regretted. I also occasionally pray for these women. It helps.

 

[dhgray]

I think you should seek counseling for anger management and then for your insecurities. Next time you want “closure” condiser this … He’s with you not her. And next time you want to call her, ask yourself, “Would I want my Ex to contact my fiance or me?”

I’m more concerned with your statement:

Both my fiance and I decided to learn about mutual masturbation

 

[Siena]

(dh gray- I think that was a delicate way of saying they had been seriously impure in previous relationships, but are still “technical” virgins. I hope she and her fiance are currently chaste in their relationship with each other)

 

[vluvski]

(dh gray- I think that was a delicate way of saying they had been seriously impure in previous relationships, but are still “technical” virgins. I hope she and her fiance are currently chaste in their relationship with each other)

Yes, Sienna and DH, that is precisely what I meant. I was never told point blank that it was wrong, and even though I kind of thought it was, it wasn’t enough to convince myself of that in the “passion of the moment.” My ex grew up in a permissive Methodist church and never believed what we did was wrong. He still doesn’t, but he is at least apologetic for having hurt me.

 

[mattrue]

I read Christopher West’s book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage,” and i advise everyone to read it as well. In the book West explaines how he asked forgivness from his wife for all his past encounters because he knew his current wife was his true wife. I then appologized to my wife for all my past encounters becuase in all reality she is my true one and only wife and the sins i commited in the past were wrong. And like the person said before me, pray for everyone for we are called to love everyone and we want the highest and best things for them.

 

[YinYangMom]

Listen to Jason Evert’s Romance without Regret available online.

Keep in mind that your fiance’s past brought him to you. It is because of this girl that he was able to see the light in you and choose your light instead of her darkness.

Whenever she comes to your mind say a little prayer to God"

• Thank Him for bringing your fiance to you even though he had to experience some bad times with that woman.
• Tell Him you trust Him with His reasonings for having your fiance endure that in order to appreciate you.
• Ask Him to help you remain true to Him so that your light will shine on your fiance through you as He wishes.
• Then ask Him to keep that girl in His heart so that some day she, too, will return to Him through another love.

Every time she comes to mind…pray those four things, especially before you allow your emotions to get riled up…it’ll nip them in the bud and soon you will stop thinking of her in a negative light.

Remember, it’s not about you. It never is.
It’s always about God and bringing as many souls to Him as possible, even those we can’t get along with. He loves them and wants them home with Him.

 

[vluvski]

YinYangMom:

Remember, it’s not about you. It never is.
It’s always about God and bringing as many souls to Him as possible, even those we can’t get along with. He loves them and wants them home with Him.

But why can’t I sock her one first?
BTW, I’m not a violent person.

 

[luvmykids]

But why can’t I sock her one first?
BTW, I’m not a violent person.

I’m sorry. I feel like I must be missing part of the story here. How is this ex of his still involved in his life that you would need to call her to get some closure? Did this relationship occur before you and him were together, or was it something that happened while you knew him? And are they still in contact with each other in some way? In other words, why is this person still a threat to you?

 

[Princess_Abby]

Did your fiance apologize to you for his part in it? I’m surprised you’re focusing so much on her and not his part. I also would cease any attempt at contacting her and expecting discussion or closure. The issue is with him, not her, even if you’re directing the anger at her instead. IMO, it’s not appropriate to expect someone (who is not your boyfriend and/or husband) to discuss with you their personal sexual sins and/or past involvement with someone else you happen to love now. Especially because it looks like you’re expecting an apology from her and therefore assuming she views marital love the same way you do.

Also, try to remember that whatever God has forgiven (meaning I assume your fiance has been to confession) is something you, too, should be able to forgive. Pray!

 

[CatholicSam]

As if you needed more advice about praying for her… But I have to tell you my little secret. I pray “Jesus I trust in You…” and then finish it off with whatever is bothering me. In your case, it would be “Jesus I trust in You to help me forgive this woman,” or something along those lines. But the best one I found to work (after having Jesus’ peace stressed to me in the confessional) is “Jesus I trust in you to give me your peace.” Another devotion I found to help in my own life is to pray seven Glory Be’s to the Holy Spirit for the virtue you find you’re lacking. In your case, pray for forgiveness and charity to others. These devotions are super quick and super effective! You will never be able to get over this baggage on your own, you need Divine Intervention !

 

[vluvski]

I don’t feel threatened by her at all whatsoever. She is quite in the past, and in fact I wouldn’t know her from Eve if I saw her. The contact I made was by email. My fiance has bumped into her two or three times after we started dating (which wasn’t long after they split up), but all he got was a cruel smirk. I know he would feel better if she gave him some sort of “Hey, I am sorry about all the cr*p between us, but I hope you’re with someone who’s better for you now.” They have had no planned contact since the breakup. Actually she had a guitar in his dorm room when she dumped him, and instead of getting it like a normal person, she had her mom call the resident advisor and make up some story about how he stole her belongings and to please go confiscate them from his room.

She turned into a feminazi whack-job well into the relationship, and to be honest my fiance was pretty rotten back to her. He has no patience for idiocy so that didn’t go over very well. Being insecure (for some reason, I have no idea), he tried to hang on to the sinking ship and made things miserable for both of them. This on top of the escalating physical difficulties.
He wanted to avoid situations where they would be alone together for any amount of time, but she kept insisting that they ought to be mature enough to resist the temptation and even pushed for making out that included everything but climax.

I’ve seen my ex a few times here and there, have been to his apartment to retrieve some borrowed furniture, and he has met my fiance when he ran into us at the movies. I’ll probably never contact him again, but if we were to run into eachother I’d make polite conversation.

Sometimes I think my difficulties with his ex are partly due to his lack of closure with that relationship- all he got was the RA’s news of the phone call from her mom after she had asked to have a week of no contact to sort out her feelings. I think some of it is also displaced disappointment and anger toward myself, my fiance, and my ex… since I don’t know her, she’s an easy target for any residual hard feelings. Another big thing that bothers me is that my fiance blames himself for pretty much all of what happened between them because she blames him for it even though he was the one trying to regain chastity in their relationship.

And I know this is juvenile, but I really want to know if I’m more attractive than she is by worldly standards.

 

[YinYangMom]

But why can’t I sock her one first?
BTW, I’m not a violent person.

Oh I know. Really I do…but what happened between them was before your time. She did not offend you personally, you weren’t in the picture.

Besides, even if she did offend you personally you’re still supposed to forgive and move on. You don’t have to forget and you don’t have to accept as in, it’s ok…you just can’t let any negative emotions fester inside over it. It hurts you and those you love more than anything to do with the offending person. Your life really is happier when you don’t let the negatives hang around.

 

[vluvski]

Yes, he has asked for my forgiveness. The first day we started dating, he asked if I had ever been involved, and when I said yes, he said, “Well, I’m not happy for you that you put yourself through that, but I hope it will make it easier for you to forgive me for what I have done.”

The email I wrote her was not “about” any kind of sexual stuff whatsoever, I basically apologized on his behalf (because she would have none of it if he ever tried to contact her) and told her I hoped the best for her. I didn’t actually expect her to respond.

The thing that got me upset in the first place was something dumb my fiance’s mom did. She got it in her head that I ought to listen to this CD of them singing together, which would have been bad enough, but I also had to hear the cutsie talk beforehand when he brags on his “beautiful and talented girlfriend” and calls her a certain pet name my fiance also used to call me. I knew I should have declined, but my curiousity got the best of me.

 

[YinYangMom]

vluvski:

I don’t feel threatened by her at all whatsoever. She is quite in the past, and in fact I wouldn’t know her from Eve if I saw her. The contact I made was by email. My fiance has bumped into her two or three times after we started dating (which wasn’t long after they split up), but all he got was a cruel smirk. I know he would feel better if she gave him some sort of “Hey, I am sorry about all the cr*p between us, but I hope you’re with someone who’s better for you now.” They have had no planned contact since the breakup. Actually she had a guitar in his dorm room when she dumped him, and instead of getting it like a normal person, she had her mom call the resident advisor and make up some story about how he stole her belongings and to please go confiscate them from his room.

She turned into a feminazi whack-job well into the relationship, and to be honest my fiance was pretty rotten back to her. He has no patience for idiocy so that didn’t go over very well. Being insecure (for some reason, I have no idea), he tried to hang on to the sinking ship and made things miserable for both of them. This on top of the escalating physical difficulties.
He wanted to avoid situations where they would be alone together for any amount of time, but she kept insisting that they ought to be mature enough to resist the temptation and even pushed for making out that included everything but climax.

I’ve seen my ex a few times here and there, have been to his apartment to retrieve some borrowed furniture, and he has met my fiance when he ran into us at the movies. I’ll probably never contact him again, but if we were to run into eachother I’d make polite conversation.

Sometimes I think my difficulties with his ex are partly due to his lack of closure with that relationship- all he got was the RA’s news of the phone call from her mom after she had asked to have a week of no contact to sort out her feelings. I think some of it is also displaced disappointment and anger toward myself, my fiance, and my ex… since I don’t know her, she’s an easy target for any residual hard feelings. Another big thing that bothers me is that my fiance blames himself for pretty much all of what happened between them because she blames him for it even though he was the one trying to regain chastity in their relationship.

And I know this is juvenile, but I really want to know if I’m more attractive than she is by worldly standards.

Girl, you’ve got to wake up to the blessings you already have!

Who’s attractive by wordly standards? and what difference does that make anyway?
We’re each made in the image and likeness of God, goodness, what’s better than that??
And you’re certainly attractive by your fiance’s standards. The only one who really matters here is if you’ve accepted your own attractiveness. Never rely on others to make you feel beautiful or secure or safe. Trust in God for that.

As for the ex, please, allow your fiance to own his own feelings here, don’t take them on yourself. You can help him get past them by loving him, listening to him and accepting him.

As an engaged couple I seriously recommend the two of you take on these issues at your engaged encounter weekend, and if that doesn’t give the two of you closure on your pasts before your wedding, then seek outside Catholic family therapy for it. What you are expressing as your deep down wishes is something you don’t want to take down the aisle with you, trust me.

 

[luvmykids]

I would highly recommend adoration…bring this to Jesus. It will REALLY help. Tell him to take this from you.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Veronica, Veronica, Veronica…

You do NOT really want to know if you’re more attractive by “worldly standards.” Do you want your fiance to objectify you and say, “hmmmm yes this this and that about your body makes you much better looking!” or worse, “well, you’re pretty enough to marry but by worldly standards, my ex has better x, x, or x.” Noooooooooooo! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Even if he tells you how much better looking you are then her, there will be a part of you that feels upset because he’s actually compared you. Just leave that whole issue alone!

Apparently you have the most beautiful soul that your fiance has ever encountered or he wouldn’t have suggested walking down the aisle with you this coming May. I think you’ve mentioned in other threads that he is also so tempted by your beauty that in order to maintain chastity the two of you don’t even kiss right now and choose not to do so until marriage. Can he find any other way to show you the depth of his desire??? Accept it for what it is and don’t dwell upon this little temptress from his past. She is over and done with and who cares if there is any closure, he apparently has been able to move on or he wouldn’t be engaged to you. (Almost everyone I know has an ex or two that they wish things had ended differently about–whether it was more kindness or clarification or whatever–but in the end that just doesn’t matter. People move on, they grow up and they meet the individuals whom they are truly meant to be with forever.)

Anyway, I do hope you feel better about this.

 

[vluvski]

Yeah, he thought that was a dumb question, too, when I asked him last night. “Gee, I was under the impression our relationship was a lot deeper than that.” That must mean she IS prettier than me, I said.
Then he goes, “I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.” I hate it when he’s right!
And as for keeping things festering inside, that’s the whole point of giving her a great big shiner, right?

 

[YinYangMom]

vluvski:

And as for keeping things festering inside, that’s the whole point of giving her a great big shiner, right?

Well, kinda, sorta…
find a thick pillow and duke it out with your demons if need be.
It’ll do wonders.
But if you’re honest with yourself, the person you really would be hitting would be your insecure self (we all have one inside us).
It’s not this woman that troubles you so.
It’s something deep inside you which is having you doubt anyone’s love for you.
Face it, beat it if you need to, but go after it and hand it over to Jesus so that it won’t follow you into your beautiful sacred marriage.

 

[SemperJase]

vluvski:

but other times, like last night, I would prefer to take it outside and tell her exactly what I think of her.

Your anger is completely misplaced. You are blaming her because…

my fiance blames himself for pretty much all of what happened between them because she blames him for it even though he was the one trying to regain chastity in their relationship.

Regardless of her initiation of the sex, your fiance was a willing participant in it.

It sounds like you haven’t really forgiven anything. You don’t like the contact they had (understandable). But instead of forgiving, you excused his responsibility by blaming it on her.

It really doesn’t matter if she initiated anything. He is solely responsible for his participation. You started this thread by saying their actions were mutual. Without his consent they wouldn’t have done anything.

We all want to think the best of the ones we love and think it must have been another person’s fault. If your fiance hadn’t agreed, they wouldn’t have done it. You can’t forgive him by shifting the blame. When you can really forgive him, there will be no blame left over for her.