Help with baggage from the past

[YinYangMom]

vluvski:

How does “This [the ex stuff] is why I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t leave you for your sake. I am a worthless piece of sh*t, and I don’t want to ruin your life” sound? Granted, he was mad at me for bringing this up, but perhaps you can begin to understand my concern based on statements like this.

Forgive me for chuckling, but it’s a knowing chuckle…how does it sound? Familiar.

Do you know what that really is? That’s him getting the message from you that he isn’t good enough for you. Because you keep bringing this issue up you’re the one breeding guilt inside him. The more you push him to reflect on the relationship the lousier he feels because you’re obviously upset so he must have been the bad guy then just as he is now…this is how guys react.

So, really, be careful about how often you bring this thing up anymore. We women are really bad about recognizing the damage we do with our prodding and nagging because we honestly don’t intend to hurt our spouses and are just trying to understand what they’re going through, but guys, they just aren’t wired that way and we need to step back to find better ways to reach out to our men.

Or, “I don’t know what to think because in my own mind I can’t sort out how much of what she said is her mind-warping feminazi cr*p and how much is really accurate.”

Again, this is the way guys are. He had put this behind him, is looking at his present life with you and his future with you. You keep pulling him back into the past forcing him to look deeper into details he had wiped out already…add to that you throwing in your interpretation of how things really went even though you weren’t around and the guy is utterly confused.

How about, “When I think about bring this into our relationship I just want to die.”?

Now this is one worth looking into…what does he mean by ‘this’? and why does bringing it into the relationship make him want to die? What’s so overwhelming about it? and Why? Is it because of how you would react? Is it because he’s already getting an indication (right or wrong) that to do so would upset you to the point that you’d not be able to let it go and thus carrying it into your marriage?

I’m not making this stuff up. Thanks for all your (name removed by moderator)ut, it really has been helpful to get me to put this stuff in perspective. Please realize, though, that I couldn’t possibly cover all the bases nor would it be appropriate for me to do so on this forum.

Of course you aren’t making it up! And I understand not being able to be more specific. But I hope you can see the way you are interpreting what it is he is saying is adding to the problem. It’s all a matter of effective communication, the thing FOCCUS works on…it’s so simple it’s difficult, but you two will be ok with proper guidance from the priest or couples counseling (or better yet, as the other poster suggested separate Catholic avenues to deal with each of your confused perceptions in a safe zone of all women/all men so that you can then meet together in a couples format to share what it is you each discovered apart).

 

[YinYangMom]

vluvski:

Perhaps a more accurate version of the hacksaw analogy would begin with someone trying to cut off their own arm, then the other joins in and says, “I’ll cut off yours and you can cut off mine” then leaves because the other person is now disfigured.

Yeah, and that pretty much describes the situation for most people who end troubled relationships. It’s not pretty and unless you’ve been through one like that yourself it’s near impossible to comprehend the depth of the disfiguration. Since you have not been in such a relationship you could ask a thousand questions, get two thousand answers and still not be much closer to understanding. Really, the best you can do for your fiance is love him, support him - even in his silence and desire to keep this to himself - and focus on what you have with him.