Help with this situation - daughters first birthday coming up

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ellam25

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I need help with a very uncomfortable situation involving my parents and my daughters upcoming first birthday.

So but of history; some years ago my mom cheated on my dad with the man she is now married to. They kicked him out and there was a custody battle over my sister who is now 15. Anyway my dad HATES my mom. Like full on hates. He never says it but it’s clear he does. He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”. My mom never talks bad about my dad but it’s cLear that she isn’t comfortable around him. At my baby shower last year she hid away from his sister and sister in law (my aunts) and didn’t even attempt to say hi. Now I have this birthday party coming up and I’m so afraid that they’re going to be hateful or bitter towards each other. My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion. I’m just so sad my baby can’t even have a birthday party without me refereeing my parents.
 
Wow, that sounds like an almost impossibly hard dynamic to deal with, Ellam. I’m almost embarrassed to say it because it’s so obvious, but have you tried simply pleading with them to be decent to each other for your daughter’s sake? I don’t know. I think I would just continually beg and plead over and over until it (hopefully) finally registered with them. 🤷 Wish I had something to suggest you didn’t already know. 😦
 
Exiled_Child said:
Wow, that sounds like an almost hard dynamic to deal with, Ellam. I’m almost embarrassed to say it because it’s so obvious, but have tried simply pleading with them to be decent to each other for your daughter’s sake? I don’t know. I think that’s what I would just continually beg and plead over and over until it (hopefully) finally registered with them. 🤷 Wish I had something to suggest you didn’t already know. 😦
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I did ask my dad to be nice, I guess I should have said this and he went off about how it’s not HIM I need to worry about, and “tell your mother” etc etc…I just kinda gave up. he’s extremely stubborn, I am going to have a hard time getting through to him.
 
ellam25 said:
I did ask my dad to be nice, I guess I should have said this and he went off about how it’s not HIM I need to worry about, and “tell your mother” etc etc…I just kinda gave up. he’s extremely stubborn, I am going to have a hard time getting through to him.
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I don’t know. 🤷 Maybe the fact of their shared granddaughter can bring about some soul searching and civility?

I’ll be praying and pondering.

:gopray:

You might try reminding them of how sensitive and perceptive children are, even (and maybe especially) the very, very young.
 
Exiled_Child said:
I don’t know. 🤷 Maybe the fact of their shared granddaughter can bring about some soul searching and civility?

I’ll be praying and pondering.

:gopray:
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thank you very much. I think it’s extremely selfish that they are making my sister’s and I feel like we can’t even have a family function without civilite flying out the window and causing us embarrassment. Idk if anyone out there watches friends (it was my favorite show in high school:blush: well the situation reminds me of Rachel parents and how they do separate parties to avoid a fight. It’s not so funny anymore now that it’s become my reality.
 
Maybe limit the number of guests to only two or three.

Maybe just family friends who have children the same age as daughter.

It would minimize the confusion on daughter.

These family disagreements can get so unpleasant that friends have complained to me that they have to take a tranquilizer to get through them.

So, maybe just keep it very small.
 
If it is that uncomfortable for both of them, I would not invite them to the same events. I know several divorced people who will not be at the same event together. If and when your father says negative things about your mother, refuse to respond, and ask your father to talk to his pastor or counselor.
 
Would saying, “Dad, I understand how you feel and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t feel that way, but this is event isn’t about you or mom or anyone else but YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER. Would you please be civil to mom for an hour? If you can’t, then please come over another time to celebrate with us” work on him?

It’s not a pleasant situation and it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. You are in my prayers.
 
Ouch. My sympathies.

As much as it sucks…you might have to play hardball with your parents about this, because there’s going to be more events coming up in future that they’ll have to see each other. And it might have to be a simple, “Since I can’t count on either of you to behave, neither of you will be invited to these major events. I’m sorry that the two of you and your grandchild will miss celebrating these milestones together, but I’d rather she miss the two of you there than risk her remembering all her birthdays as being miserable because her grandparents couldn’t be civil. This is not about my taking sides, this is about keeping my child out of the line of fire of something that isn’t her problem. If you two aren’t happy about this, then you two can come to a mutual agreement and let me know when you do.”

In short…put it in their court.
 
“Mom/Dad, X event is coming up, and Dad/Mom is going to be there. You will need to be civil. If you can’t manage that, you will need to ignore the other parent.”

(Parent interrupts protesting that it’s the other person who’s being rude.)

“Well, I’m talking to you right now, and asking you to behave politely. This event is about (daughter).”

If one of them acts up during the party, ask the offender to leave.
 
It’s a tough situation your parents have put you in. But you need to be clear. Set a boundary once and for all. It sounds more like it is your father that is causing you trouble.

"Dad, if you want to be included in any family celebrations from now on, you are going to have to be civilized. You will have to keep your comments disparaging mom to yourself. We do not want to hear them any longer. If you feel you are able to do this, we would love to have you be there for family events. If you act up, you will be asked to leave, and you will not be invited anymore. It’s your choice. We no longer will be put in this position. "

Your father is stubborn? Be as stubborn and don’t let him ruin **your **family events.
 
ellam25 said:
I need help with a very uncomfortable situation involving my parents and my daughters upcoming first birthday.

So but of **history; some years ago my mom cheated on my dad with the man she is now married to. They kicked him out **and there was a custody battle over my sister who is now 15. Anyway my dad HATES my mom. Like full on hates. He never says it but it’s clear he does. He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and **say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”. **My mom never talks bad about my dad but it’s cLear that she isn’t comfortable around him. At my baby shower last year she hid away from his sister and sister in law (my aunts) and didn’t even attempt to say hi. Now I have this birthday party coming up and I’m so afraid that they’re going to be hateful or bitter towards each other. My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion. I’m just so sad my baby can’t even have a birthday party without me refereeing my parents.
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It sounds like your father is still deeply hurt by your mother’s actions.

I get it–you don’t want to cut your mom out because she’s your mom. You want her at your daughter’s first birthday party. You want everyone to just be 'nice" at the party, but the problem is that your mother is * not * “nice”. Nice people don’t do to other people and their families what your mom did. She cheated on her husband, kicked him out, then dragged him through a custody battle over one of his children. She may not “talk bad” about your father but from what you write, she’s behaved despicably towards him. Her actions hurt your father (and others) far more than words.

Is your dad a horrible human being? Was he abusive to your mom when they were together? Is there* anything *he did to her that in any way justifies what she did to him? And…did your parents get an annulment before she remarried or are they still married in the eyes of the Church?

Unless you there’s some better reasons that your mom left your dad which you haven’t mentioned, I’d suggest you let your father come to the first birthday party and talk to him about inviting your mom or not. *What does your father want? *Maybe if you leave it up to him, he’ll come up with a solution along with you. Maybe he’ll be okay if your mom comes without her new guy. Maybe he’ll want her to stay away. Maybe he’ll decide she can come with the new guy, and then since it was his decision he might not say anything negative to them when they’re there. Knowing that you recognize the gravity of the situation and the pain your mother has put him through (and continues to put him through) might help him. While you are talking to him about this, if your parents never went through the annulment process, you might suggest to your dad that look into it to help him heal from the loss of his wife.
 
gardenswithkids said:
It sounds like your father is still deeply hurt by your mother’s actions.

I get it–you don’t want to cut your mom out because she’s your mom. You want her at your daughter’s first birthday party. You want everyone to just be 'nice" at the party, but the problem is that your mother is * not * “nice”. Nice people don’t do to other people and their families what your mom did. She cheated on her husband, kicked him out, then dragged him through a custody battle over one of his children. She may not “talk bad” about your father but from what you write, she’s behaved despicably towards him. Her actions hurt your father (and others) far more than words.

Is your dad a horrible human being? Was he abusive to your mom when they were together? Is there* anything *he did to her that in any way justifies what she did to him? And…did your parents get an annulment before she remarried or are they still married in the eyes of the Church?

Unless you there’s some better reasons that your mom left your dad which you haven’t mentioned, I’d suggest you let your father come to the first birthday party and talk to him about inviting your mom or not. *What does your father want? *Maybe if you leave it up to him, he’ll come up with a solution along with you. Maybe he’ll be okay if your mom comes without her new guy. Maybe he’ll want her to stay away. Maybe he’ll decide she can come with the new guy, and then since it was his decision he might not say anything negative to them when they’re there. Knowing that you recognize the gravity of the situation and the pain your mother has put him through (and continues to put him through) might help him. While you are talking to him about this, if your parents never went through the annulment process, you might suggest to your dad that look into it to help him heal from the loss of his wife.
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While some of that is fair, the OP’s dad is attempting to interfere with his children’s relationship with their mother.

Some examples:

“He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”.”

“My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion.”

Even if he was sinned against by his wife, he is behaving very badly toward his daughter.

This might be a case for family counseling for the OP and her dad.
 
ellam25 said:
I need help with a very uncomfortable situation involving my parents and my daughters upcoming first birthday.

So but of history; some years ago my mom cheated on my dad with the man she is now married to. They kicked him out and there was a custody battle over my sister who is now 15. Anyway my dad HATES my mom. Like full on hates. He never says it but it’s clear he does. He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”. My mom never talks bad about my dad but it’s cLear that she isn’t comfortable around him. At my baby shower last year she hid away from his sister and sister in law (my aunts) and didn’t even attempt to say hi. Now I have this birthday party coming up and I’m so afraid that they’re going to be hateful or bitter towards each other. My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion. I’m just so sad my baby can’t even have a birthday party without me refereeing my parents.
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Two parties. My parents have restraining orders for each other so it’s my only option. I’m sorry.
 
Xantippe said:
While some of that is fair, the OP’s dad is attempting to interfere with his children’s relationship with their mother.

Some examples:

“He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”.”

“My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion.”

Even if he was sinned against by his wife, he is behaving very badly toward his daughter.

This might be a case for family counseling for the OP and her dad.
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Yep. he’s behaving badly, which is the reason I wrote that it sounds like he’s deeply hurting.

The comment about “Fake husband” sounded like the parents were originally married in the Church and that the second marriage happened without the first marriage being annulled. Catholic marriage is life-long. Someone in a Catholic marriage shouldn’t just “move on” and start dating and marrying other people.

I get that the dad is behaving badly. He’s also not behaving as one is suppose to behave in this culture of divorce-and-remarriage. The culture around is telling him that she’s not his wife anymore and that he should go find someone else. But that’s not the Catholic way. He made a life-long commitment and he can’t re-marry unless his first marriage is annulled or unless his wife dies. That kind of leaves without the benefits of having a wife while he sees his wife with another man. :blackeye:

The dad isn’t a saint yet and he hasn’t learned the spiritual benefit of “long suffering”. Instead he’s just suffering. So he’s acting like someone who is suffering and in pain. The wound may still feel quite fresh to him and every mention of his wife is like touching a very sore point. He needs to heal.

I don’t exactly know how to go about such healing. I can’t imagine how painful it would be if I had to see my husband with another woman at our grandchild’s first birthday while everyone around tried to pretend that is was perfectly normal that he left me. Fortunately, that’s not my situation, but I’m guessing it’s similar to the situation that the op’s father is in. So he’s acting up. He points out to others that what his wife did is NOT okay because people keep trying to act like it is okay. It’s not.

I think the op needs to learn how to help her father move past his hurt–or to offer it up to grow in holiness. Perhaps she can start by offering up this suffering that she’s going through for her parents. It’s hard.
 
Things aren’t quite so fraught in our family, but we’re avoiding this problem by just having it be the three of us for her first birthday party. It helps that everyone lives far away. I think the advice that your father agrees to be civil as a condition of his invitation is good. He should not be saying these things to you and especially not in front of your child.
 
Agree. Two parties. Your dd will never know and it will be less stress!
 
gardenswithkids said:
Yep. he’s behaving badly, which is the reason I wrote that it sounds like he’s deeply hurting.

The comment about “Fake husband” sounded like the parents were originally married in the Church and that the second marriage happened without the first marriage being annulled. Catholic marriage is life-long. Someone in a Catholic marriage shouldn’t just “move on” and start dating and marrying other people.

I get that the dad is behaving badly. He’s also not behaving as one is suppose to behave in this culture of divorce-and-remarriage. The culture around is telling him that she’s not his wife anymore and that he should go find someone else. But that’s not the Catholic way. He made a life-long commitment and he can’t re-marry unless his first marriage is annulled or unless his wife dies. That kind of leaves without the benefits of having a wife while he sees his wife with another man. :blackeye:

The dad isn’t a saint yet and he hasn’t learned the spiritual benefit of “long suffering”. Instead he’s just suffering. So he’s acting like someone who is suffering and in pain. The wound may still feel quite fresh to him and every mention of his wife is like touching a very sore point. He needs to heal.

I don’t exactly know how to go about such healing. I can’t imagine how painful it would be if I had to see my husband with another woman at our grandchild’s first birthday while everyone around tried to pretend that is was perfectly normal that he left me. Fortunately, that’s not my situation, but I’m guessing it’s similar to the situation that the op’s father is in. So he’s acting up. He points out to others that what his wife did is NOT okay because people keep trying to act like it is okay. It’s not.

I think the op needs to learn how to help her father move past his hurt–or to offer it up to grow in holiness. Perhaps she can start by offering up this suffering that she’s going through for her parents. It’s hard.
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He can’t be coming to every family event and making every event be about him and his pain.

I have an auntie that I dearly love that has been guilty of this behavior. Yes, her husband behaved abominably, but at some point, it’s time to suck it up and not make every wedding or funeral be about the drama between mom and dad.

We’ve already had a number of weddings in our family be dominated by this stuff, and it’s so unfair and selfish of the parent or parents responsible. This is somebody else’s big day–let them have their day! If you can’t be happy for them and pleasant–stay home!
 
gardenswithkids said:
I think the op needs to learn how to help her father move past his hurt–or to offer it up to grow in holiness. Perhaps she can start by offering up this suffering that she’s going through for her parents. It’s hard.
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Also, I don’t think this is the OP’s job to fix this for her dad.

If her dad can’t do it by himself, he needs to seek out a neutral third party for help.

OP, I would encourage you to tell your father, “Dad, I can’t fix this for you. Have you talked to your pastor or a counselor yet? I cannot be where you go to vent about my mother.”
 
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