Help with this situation - daughters first birthday coming up

[Chantal25]

Oil and water don’t mix except if you go in out of space.

If your father isn’t able to get pass the hurt, i wouldn’t insist that they both find themselves in the same room. It isn’t fair for him neither it is fair for your mother.

I would put my child first and i would not mix them. Myself, i probably would do something special with one of the parent and invite the other one. I would explain the situation to the parent not being invited to the party.

It sad but what is the point to have a nice party if this is packed of tension. How your child will enjoy this?

If both parent agree to make the best of it, then it can be done. I would start saying the Rosary now. I wouldn’t make a decision just yet, but pray.

Rosary would be the out of space to mix the oil and water.

Just my thought.

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

If the dad is willing to take a punch in the gut every time for the sake of everyone else pretending that the family is in tact and “normal” and healthy, fine.

But the mere suggestion that HE modify his behavior is usually the result of a child (even and adult child) wanting to make believe that every thing is ok. To put on airs for the new baby.

The hard cold truth is that things are not ok. Things are broken. And far harder things than a 1 year old birthday ( which the child will never remember) are on the horizon. I think the best answer is mostly seperate celebrations.

It just seems so cruel to ask the dad to change just because his actions aren’t as bad or there is a better chance he may cave than the mom. In my opinion (and it’s just my opinion) asking this is twisting the knife of adultery and betrayal. I’d personally do my best to coddle my dad and make him feel like he had a major role in my granddaughters life without him linking it to mental pain.

The OP stated in her first post that her father often speaks without a filter and makes a lot of people uncomfortable, not just her mother.

I don’t know about you, but if I went to a child’s first birthday party and heard the grandfather of said child loudly talking smack about his ex-wife, grandmother to the child, I’d be extremely uncomfortable.

I would also be sitting there thinking to myself, “Well, no wonder she left him. If that’s what he’s willing to say about her in public, one can only wonder what he said to her in private when she was married to him.”

And the OP has a right to expect civility in her home, especially at an event that is for her daughter.

The OP has a right to not be in the middle of her parents’ battle.

The OP has a right to not be forced to play judge, jury, and executioner between two parents that she obviously loves, despite their flaws.

Her father has a right to his feelings. Nobody said he doesn’t have the right to feel hurt. But he needs to find a counselor to help him deal with them instead of spewing them out all over everybody in his path. He continues on the way he is, and nobody’s going to care how ‘in the right’ he is. As I stated above, eventually, they’re going to start muttering, “No wonder she left him–what a bitter, miserable jerk.”

The child’s birthday should be about the child–not about grandpa getting his digs in at grandma. (Or vice-versa.)

And separate parties aren’t really the answer. Nor is ‘coddling grandpa’. Eventually, there’s going to come something that can’t be two different events (if there hasn’t been already.) First Communion, Sweet Sixteen, high school graduation, school plays, sports games, college graduation, weddings. The sooner grandpa learns how to deal in a more healthy manner with his hurt feelings, the better for his family.

This is not about ‘pretending everything’s fine’. This is about ‘realizing things do hurt us badly, but we have to work through them so we don’t spread the hurt to others who don’t deserve it.’

 

[Xantippe]

The OP stated in her first post that her father often speaks without a filter and makes a lot of people uncomfortable, not just her mother.

I don’t know about you, but if I went to a child’s first birthday party and heard the grandfather of said child loudly talking smack about his ex-wife, grandmother to the child, I’d be extremely uncomfortable.

**I would also be sitting there thinking to myself, “Well, no wonder she left him. If that’s what he’s willing to say about her in public, one can only wonder what he said to her in private when she was married to him.” **

And the OP has a right to expect civility in her home, especially at an event that is for her daughter.

The OP has a right to not be in the middle of her parents’ battle.

The OP has a right to not be forced to play judge, jury, and executioner between two parents that she obviously loves, despite their flaws.

Her father has a right to his feelings. Nobody said he doesn’t have the right to feel hurt. **But he needs to find a counselor to help him deal with them instead of spewing them out all over everybody in his path. He continues on the way he is, and nobody’s going to care how ‘in the right’ he is. As I stated above, eventually, they’re going to start muttering, “No wonder she left him–what a bitter, miserable jerk.”
**
The child’s birthday should be about the child–not about grandpa getting his digs in at grandma. (Or vice-versa.)

And separate parties aren’t really the answer. Nor is ‘coddling grandpa’. **Eventually, there’s going to come something that can’t be two different events (if there hasn’t been already.) First Communion, Sweet Sixteen, high school graduation, school plays, sports games, college graduation, weddings. ** The sooner grandpa learns how to deal in a more healthy manner with his hurt feelings, the better for his family.

This is not about ‘pretending everything’s fine’. ** This is about ‘realizing things do hurt us badly, but we have to work through them so we don’t spread the hurt to others who don’t deserve it.**’

Right.

They don’t have to go to every party or event and play patty-cake with each other, but an hour or two of civility a couple times a year would be nice.

As grandkids get older and have more special events, it’s going to be harder and harder to avoid bumping into each other.

 

[ellam25]

Yes I agree too…but there is a time and place for everything. A 2 or 3 hour party for a grandchilds first birthday party is not the place to air grievances.
I would invite everyone and see how it goes…either they come or avoid it’s up to them.

Did they all come to the baptism and behave?

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.
To answer your question mommy k, my mom chose not to come. There was only 5 people invited besides my husband and I so it would have been extremely uncomfortable to say the least. I was a bit relieved.

To the people hinting that I am not sensitive to my dad and to remember “who wronged who”…I KNOW. don’t you think I realize what an awful thing my mom did? But I am their daughter not their shrink, and I am not willing to cut one out for the other no matter what they did. I spent a long time not speaking to my mother over this but I love her and life is short. With that said I have listened to my father and comforted him but him constantly bringing her up even after all this time wears on me.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The OP stated in her first post that her father often speaks without a filter and makes a lot of people uncomfortable, not just her mother.

I don’t know about you, but if I went to a child’s first birthday party and heard the grandfather of said child loudly talking smack about his ex-wife, grandmother to the child, I’d be extremely uncomfortable.

I would also be sitting there thinking to myself, “Well, no wonder she left him. If that’s what he’s willing to say about her in public, one can only wonder what he said to her in private when she was married to him.”

And the OP has a right to expect civility in her home, especially at an event that is for her daughter.

The OP has a right to not be in the middle of her parents’ battle.

The OP has a right to not be forced to play judge, jury, and executioner between two parents that she obviously loves, despite their flaws.

Her father has a right to his feelings. Nobody said he doesn’t have the right to feel hurt. But he needs to find a counselor to help him deal with them instead of spewing them out all over everybody in his path. He continues on the way he is, and nobody’s going to care how ‘in the right’ he is. As I stated above, eventually, they’re going to start muttering, “No wonder she left him–what a bitter, miserable jerk.”

The child’s birthday should be about the child–not about grandpa getting his digs in at grandma. (Or vice-versa.)

And separate parties aren’t really the answer. Nor is ‘coddling grandpa’. Eventually, there’s going to come something that can’t be two different events (if there hasn’t been already.) First Communion, Sweet Sixteen, high school graduation, school plays, sports games, college graduation, weddings. The sooner grandpa learns how to deal in a more healthy manner with his hurt feelings, the better for his family.

This is not about ‘pretending everything’s fine’. This is about ‘realizing things do hurt us badly, but we have to work through them so we don’t spread the hurt to others who don’t deserve it.’

Yeah, this “She done me wrong” production is only going to diminish grandpa in EVERYONE’S eyes. Personally, I would love nothing more than to have my ex act this way if I did something as horrible as the OP’s mom did. It really shines a spotlight on his shortcomings, not hers.

If grandpa can’t behave himself, then he needs to stay home.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.
To answer your question mommy k, my mom chose not to come. There was only 5 people invited besides my husband and I so it would have been extremely uncomfortable to say the least. I was a bit relieved.

To the people hinting that I am not sensitive to my dad and to remember “who wronged who”…I KNOW. don’t you think I realize what an awful thing my mom did? But I am their daughter not their shrink, and I am not willing to cut one out for the other no matter what they did. I spent a long time not speaking to my mother over this but I love her and life is short. With that said I have listened to my father and comforted him but him constantly bringing her up even after all this time wears on me.

Yep.

You should not have to carry your dad emotionally for years.

 

[pianistclare]

Don’t engage in these conversation.
Have the party you’d like to have WITHOUT either parent.
Baby gets their own special day with each of the parents at a a later date.
Problem solved.
Every time you make special arrangements or look the other , you give them permission to carry on. I’m sure both party would rather spend time alone with you and the baby anyway.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Don’t engage in these conversation.
Have the party you’d like to have WITHOUT either parent.
Baby gets their own special day with each of the parents at a a later date.
Problem solved.
Every time you make special arrangements or look the other , you give them permission to carry on. I’m sure both party would rather spend time alone with you and the baby anyway.

That is a great drama free resolution!

 

[As_for_my_House]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.
To answer your question mommy k, my mom chose not to come. There was only 5 people invited besides my husband and I so it would have been extremely uncomfortable to say the least. I was a bit relieved.

To the people hinting that I am not sensitive to my dad and to remember “who wronged who”…I KNOW. don’t you think I realize what an awful thing my mom did? But I am their daughter not their shrink, and I am not willing to cut one out for the other no matter what they did. I spent a long time not speaking to my mother over this but I love her and life is short. With that said I have listened to my father and comforted him but him constantly bringing her up even after all this time wears on me.

Please don’t think I am saying you are insensitive to your dad, you don’t need that on top of all thatyou are going through. You most definitely are not insensitive! I know that you are in pain. I know that your dad’s behavior is a great burden on you and I know that you love your mother. I wish I could give you a great fix because I went through every phase that you may go through… rejecting my father, trying to include my father, trying to reconcile with my father, tying to help him to come back into the Church,blaming my mother, suffering for my mother,hating the new wife, trying to include the new wife and thinking that was forgiving the new wife( she cheated with my dad when he was married), tying to make the new wife understand how she had devastated by her actions, hoping for apologies. etc etc.

My best advice is to hand it over to God, every time. It’s not the grand kids that feel the pain. It’s you. Take care of you and your family first. If you have to set priorities because all things can’t be fixed and something or someone has to be left out. Accept this with peace.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I need help with a very uncomfortable situation involving my parents and my daughters upcoming first birthday.

So but of history; some years ago my mom cheated on my dad with the man she is now married to. They kicked him out and there was a custody battle over my sister who is now 15. Anyway my dad HATES my mom. Like full on hates. He never says it but it’s clear he does. He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”. My mom never talks bad about my dad but it’s cLear that she isn’t comfortable around him. At my baby shower last year she hid away from his sister and sister in law (my aunts) and didn’t even attempt to say hi. Now I have this birthday party coming up and I’m so afraid that they’re going to be hateful or bitter towards each other. My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion. I’m just so sad my baby can’t even have a birthday party without me refereeing my parents.

Several thoughts here.

1. If you know how emotional it is when your mom comes up, why would you answer a phone call from her in front of him while you are visiting? That seems cruel.
2. From a Catholic perspective your dad’s comment about her “fake” husband is spot on. This is his bride sharing her life, house, kids and body with another man. Adultery, divorce and remarriage without annulment is not something that happened in the past, it’s something that continues. If your parents were validly wed in the church and did not receive an annulment he is spot on and your mom continues to cheat on him every day she placates and satisfies her carnal needs with another. Kids don’t generally think in terms of thier parents being sexual beings but this man unified with your mom in the most intimate of ways and then created you. No matter the “fault” or shortcomings of your dad, she broke and continues to break that union. While you may see “hate” in your father there is deep pain and love, or he just wouldn’t care. The wound is not something he should “get past” because it happened several years ago but rather it’s something that continues to happen. You asking him to change and not your mom from bringing her altultery into the picture at family gatherings is born of a selfish want to pretend something didn’t happen.
3. Even if a valid Catholic marriage is not involved or even if an annulment was decided, it does not change the way the wronged spouse feels.

In the past several years there has been much attention in the church to show “mercy” to serial adulterers. The unintended consequence of this discussion in the church is a further decaying of the sacrament of marriage and decaying if the sacrament of the Eucharist and indeed possible further damage to the other “victims” the spouses who took thier vows seriously.

When a church, or a child (even an adult child) try to extend mercy where there are ongoing wounds it is misplaced mercy. Because the real mercy should be to the one who is being cheated on. And I say IS being cheated on because I’m viewing this from a Catholic understanding of marriage. Of course it’s a whole other ball of wax if your dad has a “fake wife”. But if not it sure says a lot about his feelings, and they are probably not “hate”

 

[pianistclare]

Several thoughts here.

1. If you know how emotional it is when your mom comes up, why would you answer a phone call from her in front of him while you are visiting. That seems cruel.
2. From a Catholic perspective your dad’s comment about her “fake” husband is spot on. This is his bride sharing her life, house, kids and body with another man. Adultery, divorce and remarriage without annulment is not something that happened in the past, it’s something that continues. If your parents were validly wed in the church and did not receive an annulment he is spot on and your mom continues to cheat on him every day she placates and satisfies her carnal needs with another. Kids don’t generally think in terms of thier parents being sexual beings but this man unified with your mom in the most intimate of ways and then created you. No matter the “fault” or hortcomings if your dad, she broke and continues to break that union. While you may see “hate” in your father there is deep pain and love, or he just wouldn’t care. The wound is not something he should “get past” because it happened several years ago but rather it’s something that continues to happen. You asking him to change and not your mom from bringing her altultery into the picture at family gatherings is born of a selfish want to pretend something didn’t happen.
3. Even if a valid Catholic marriage is not involved or even if an annulment was decided, it does not change the way the wronged spouse feels.

In the past several years there has been much attention in the church to show “mercy” to serial adulterers. The unintended consequence of this discussion in the church is a further decaying of the sacrament of marriage and decaying if the sacrament of the Eucharist and indeed possible further damage to the other “victims” the spouses who took thier vows seriously.

When a church, or a child (even an adult child) try to extend mercy where there are ongoing wounds it is misplaced mercy. Because the real mercy should be to the one who is being cheated on. And I say IS being cheated on because I’m viewing this from a Catholic understanding of marriage. Of course it’s a whole other ball of wax if your dad has a “fake wife”. But if not it sure says a lot about his feelings, and they are probably not “hate”

Well, we can show mercy for a repentant sinner, but God is the one who ultimately decided his or her fate. But you’re right, mercy doesn’t mean “doormat” or blanket permission to go about hurting people.

 

[Xantippe]

Several thoughts here.

1. If you know how emotional it is when your mom comes up, why would you answer a phone call from her in front of him while you are visiting. That seems cruel.
2. From a Catholic perspective your dad’s comment about her “fake” husband is spot on. This is his bride sharing her life, house, kids and body with another man. Adultery, divorce and remarriage without annulment is not something that happened in the past, it’s something that continues. If your parents were validly wed in the church and did not receive an annulment he is spot on and your mom continues to cheat on him every day she placates and satisfies her carnal needs with another. Kids don’t generally think in terms of thier parents being sexual beings but this man unified with your mom in the most intimate of ways and then created you. No matter the “fault” or hortcomings if your dad, she broke and continues to break that union. While you may see “hate” in your father there is deep pain and love, or he just wouldn’t care. The wound is not something he should “get past” because it happened several years ago but rather it’s something that continues to happen. You asking him to change and not your mom from bringing her altultery into the picture at family gatherings is born of a selfish want to pretend something didn’t happen.
3. Even if a valid Catholic marriage is not involved or even if an annulment was decided, it does not change the way the wronged spouse feels.

In the past several years there has been much attention in the church to show “mercy” to serial adulterers. The unintended consequence of this discussion in the church is a further decaying of the sacrament of marriage and decaying if the sacrament of the Eucharist and indeed possible further damage to the other “victims” the spouses who took thier vows seriously.

When a church, or a child (even an adult child) try to extend mercy where there are ongoing wounds it is misplaced mercy. Because the real mercy should be to the one who is being cheated on. And I say IS being cheated on because I’m viewing this from a Catholic understanding of marriage. Of course it’s a whole other ball of wax if your dad has a “fake wife”. But if not it sure says a lot about his feelings, and they are probably not “hate”

So, a wronged spouse gets to carry on like King Lear on the blasted heath indefinitely at all events where the erring spouse turns up?

Birthday parties, soccer games, school plays, kids’ award ceremonies, Christmas concerts, grandparents’ day at school, graduations, weddings, funerals–all of these events that are supposed to be for and about other people are going to center around the wronged spouse’s feelings from now until one of the two dies?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Several thoughts here.

1. If you know how emotional it is when your mom comes up, why would you answer a phone call from her in front of him while you are visiting. That seems cruel.
2. From a Catholic perspective your dad’s comment about her “fake” husband is spot on. This is his bride sharing her life, house, kids and body with another man. Adultery, divorce and remarriage without annulment is not something that happened in the past, it’s something that continues. If your parents were validly wed in the church and did not receive an annulment he is spot on and your mom continues to cheat on him every day she placates and satisfies her carnal needs with another. Kids don’t generally think in terms of thier parents being sexual beings but this man unified with your mom in the most intimate of ways and then created you. No matter the “fault” or hortcomings if your dad, she broke and continues to break that union. While you may see “hate” in your father there is deep pain and love, or he just wouldn’t care. The wound is not something he should “get past” because it happened several years ago but rather it’s something that continues to happen. You asking him to change and not your mom from bringing her altultery into the picture at family gatherings is born of a selfish want to pretend something didn’t happen.
3. Even if a valid Catholic marriage is not involved or even if an annulment was decided, it does not change the way the wronged spouse feels.

In the past several years there has been much attention in the church to show “mercy” to serial adulterers. The unintended consequence of this discussion in the church is a further decaying of the sacrament of marriage and decaying if the sacrament of the Eucharist and indeed possible further damage to the other “victims” the spouses who took thier vows seriously.

When a church, or a child (even an adult child) try to extend mercy where there are ongoing wounds it is misplaced mercy. Because the real mercy should be to the one who is being cheated on. And I say IS being cheated on because I’m viewing this from a Catholic understanding of marriage. Of course it’s a whole other ball of wax if your dad has a “fake wife”. But if not it sure says a lot about his feelings, and they are probably not “hate”

None of this is any excuse to continue to act out at family gatherings in front of people who have nothing to do with this and who may not know, or even care to know, the backstory.

He’s airing dirty laundry, putting his daughter in the middle of his marriage and divorce, and risks alienating his grandkids as they grow up and don’t feel comfortable hearing about his many resentments.

There’s a lot to be said for being wronged but moving forward with dignity and grace. It’s something we all have to do sooner or later. It’s well past time for him to stop making this everyone else’s problem.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So, a wronged spouse gets to carry on like King Lear on the blasted heath indefinitely at all events where the erring spouse turns up?

Birthday parties, soccer games, school plays, kids’ award ceremonies, Christmas concerts, grandparents’ day at school, graduations, weddings, funerals–all of these events that are supposed to be for and about other people are going to center around the wronged spouse’s feelings from now until one of the two dies?

I’m assuming the other man will be around as well.

I’m going to be blunt so my apologies in advance. How is it ok to expect a man to smile, eat cake and share a celebration with his wife who no longer is intimate with him and the other man who has genital contact with his wife. Talking about the weather is the moral expectation? How about displays of affection in front of the dad? “Here dad, watch your wife kiss another man and ok look zoey just scored a goal!”

This is the reality of broken families, of our divorce culture. And in our world we expect the victim to correct behavior for the sake of the family.

The mom is the one acting inappropriately.

perhaps the mom keeps the other man away. That’s better but still not right.

But sure, everyone just tie dad down and make him a cuckold for the sake of a birthday party.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

None of this is any excuse to continue to act out at family gatherings in front of people who have nothing to do with this and who may not know, or even care to know, the backstory.

He’s airing dirty laundry, putting his daughter in the middle of his marriage and divorce, and risks alienating his grandkids as they grow up and don’t feel comfortable hearing about his many resentments.

There’s a lot to be said for being wronged but moving forward with dignity and grace. It’s something we all have to do sooner or later. It’s well past time for him to stop making this everyone else’s problem.

Seperate time with the grandchild is the answer. It’s a sad answer.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m assuming the other man will be around as well.

I’m going to be blunt so my apologies in advance. How is it ok to expect a man to smile, eat cake and share a celebration with his wife who no longer is intimate with him and the other man who has genital contact with his wife. Talking about the weather is the moral expectation? How about displays of affection in from of the dad? “Here dad, watch your wife kiss another man and ok look zoey just scored a goal!”

This is the reality of broken families, of our divorce culture. And in our world we expect the victim to correct behavior for the sake of the family.

The mom is the one acting inappropriately.

But sure, everyone just tie dad down and make him a cuckold for the sake of a birthday party.

So your answer is yes, he should make every family function about his grievances. That’s going to make every relative and family friend who witnesses this think “Wow, what a narcissist”. It’s very selfish to wreck events that are about other people with your own public issues.

If he wants to write his ex and her husband a letter letting it all out and making clear that he’ll be cordial but that doesn’t mean he approves, great. But as it stands, he’s trying to punish everyone around him, including his daughter and grandchild, for the sins of his ex.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So your answer is yes, he should make every family function about his grievances. That’s going to make every relative and family friend who witnesses this think “Wow, what a narcissist”. It’s very selfish to wreck events that are about other people with your own public issues.

If he wants to write his ex and her husband a letter letting it all out and making clear that he’ll be cordial but that doesn’t mean he approves, great. But as it stands, he’s trying to punish everyone around him, including his daughter and grandchild, for the sins of his ex.

No that was not my answer.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Seperate time with the grandchild is the answer. It’s a sad answer.

Then he needs to recuse himself from events and set up one on one time. He’s the one refusing to be pleasant, so he needs to not be there. It’s just not practical to have two of every special event or party.

If it sounds like I’m being harsh, it’s because I am. We have a similar divorce/remarriage situation in my husband’s family (no infidelity though, at least not to my knowledge) and no one thinks his dad is a cuck. If he refused to come to family functions and or loudly made a scene when he did, that would be different. But he carries himself with confidence and strength. That’s definitely the best, most mature way to go - and it protects the relationship he has with the rest of the family.

If you want to be respected, then be respectable. No one likes to watch former lovers race each other to the bottom of decorum.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m assuming the other man will be around as well.

I’m going to be blunt so my apologies in advance. How is it ok to expect a man to smile, eat cake and share a celebration with his wife who no longer is intimate with him and the other man who has genital contact with his wife. Talking about the weather is the moral expectation? How about displays of affection in front of the dad? “Here dad, watch your wife kiss another man and ok look zoey just scored a goal!”

This is the reality of broken families, of our divorce culture. And in our world we expect the victim to correct behavior for the sake of the family.

The mom is the one acting inappropriately.

perhaps the mom keeps the other man away. That’s better but still not right.

But sure, everyone just tie dad down and make him a cuckold for the sake of a birthday party.

The other man hasn’t been mentioned by the OP as coming to these events. She’s just mentioned mom.

Plus, surely the point of attending the soccer game or awards ceremony is supporting Zoe? Any grandpa who can’t commit wholeheartedly to cheering Zoe ought to stay home.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The other man hasn’t been mentioned by the OP as coming to these events. She’s just mentioned mom.

Plus, surely the point of attending the soccer game or awards ceremony is supporting Zoe? Any grandpa who can’t commit wholeheartedly to cheering Zoe ought to stay home.

Bolding mine. Yes! This exactly!

Using your role as grandpa to make a public stink about your ex is just low.